I feeling much better about things as of late. Actually things are looking up. I have an industrial internship lined up for the coming year which is awesome. Awesome because I don't have to make any choices about what courses to take next year.

I still plan on writing a whole big long thesis on my beliefs on spirituality and the like. It might only be after the 29 though. That's right... maybe only once I have had some time to myself in Brooks to actually write it all down. I don't know why I feel the need to write it down, but I do. It is very individual though and I am not wanting to convert anyone to my way of thinking. Actually, that is the last thing I am looking to do. If you happen to agree with what I am saying, great. But this writing on my beliefs will be more just so I can write them down and so other people can understand where I stand. Not that I think that matters much either.

Anyhow... my roommates are bitches and that's all there is to it. How was I supposed to know in September that I would get an internship? There was no way of knowing if I would be here or not next year. Internships aren't easy to get in biosci. I think only 15 people get them a year. It is kind of like winning the lottery, only with better chances. Anyhow, it wasn't my intent to screw them overby only signing my lease until May. But honestly- who signs a lease until September unless they know for sure that they will be staying there the whole summer. I mean, landlords will renew leases if you decided you did want to sublet it for summer and continue to live there throughout the year. So legally I am not bound to pay rent for the summer. I will however be nice and try and rent the room for the summer.

So if anyone that reads this is looking for a place to live in Edmonton for the summer, my room is up for grabs. It is a rather large room, unfurnished. 400$ a month plus phone and cable. They might even let you stay for the school year. They won't be there for the summer so I'm sure the living situation won't be too bad.


Sleep calls.

State: Decent

I had a guilt attack tonight. I'm not sure why. It could be because I am getting nothing in the means of work done. I mean I have a lab exam a week from yesterday (Monday) and I haven't started studying. And there are so many other things I need to do as well.

I hate guilt. Especially when it is undeserved. My family is all about guilt. It's how they want us to live. I guess that's what makes us such good Catholics even though we never go to church.

Fucking guilt. I managed to fight my guilt monster tonight. It wasn't easy, and I don't think the battle is over yet. Anyhow... I don't want to scare anyone. I will ask for help when I need it. I always have. I may not be my happy cheery self for the next little while, but don't be concerned. I need this right now. I need to deal with what I have going on inside right now.

So if you ask me how I am, I'll probably say fine, because any other answer will require a long drawn out explanation. Don't feel bad if I don't explain to you what I am really feeling. In high school, I probably would have willingly shared this information with anyone who'd listen.

I just want everyone to know, I will be fine. I've dealt with worse and I have felt much worse than this in my life. I'm nowhere near rock bottom lows I've hit before. I'm just not nearly as happy as I might have been before. So that that is my story... and now I am going to sleep.

State: Not peachy-keen
Song: Autumn's Here- Hawksley Workman, The Most Depressing Song- The Get Up Kids, Numb- Linkin Park

I feel very overwhelmed right now. I haven't felt this way in quite sometime. I feel like I need to reorganizing. I don't know what I want to do next year. Whether I want to take this job or not. Right now, I feel like I shouldn't. Like it would be a bad idea to uproot myself from Edmonton. The experience, no doubt would be wonderful. But do I want to go and live in Brooks for a year to do it. I have no idea. I'm definitely related to the rest of my family. All of us have problems making decisions.

I have so many decisions to make right now and so much work to do and really all I want to do is crawl into a hole for awhile and I don't know when I would want to come out.

The bottom line is, I don't think I've felt quite like this in a long. And instead of waiting for things to get better, I am going to be proactive and do something about it right away. Because I shouldn't feel like this. And I can't make this many decisions in my state. It just won't happen.

Let the reorganization of my life begin.

State: Like a black hole is swallowing me from the inside out

Wow... it seems like forever ago since last Saturday. It feels like just yesterday that I quickly packed what I could and hopped on the bus down to Calgary so we could drive down to Swift Current the net day. I can't believe a whole week went by already. It was an intense week and even that might be an understatement. Very emotional, but I really didn't expect it to be anything else.

This past week made me really appreciate my family. As dysfunctional as we are, we still all managed to come together this week and support each other through a rough time.I saw family members that I haven't seen since I was 13. It was really nice to catch up with them. I don't get to see my cousins very often anymore now that we are older. I really hope we do stay in touch, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I mean, I have enough trouble staying in touch with my sisters- let alone my cousins.

The funeral was good and I think spending time with family was healing. I didn't have to try and think of something good to say or do. Simply being there, and supporting my other family members was enough. My grandpa lived a good long life to the age of 91 and I am happy that he is now with my grandma.

My other cousins went out to Kareoke and drank the night after the funeral. I guess that is our family's version of a wake. My cousin Kris and I decided not to go and chose to sit in my hotel room and catch up with each other as well which was really nice. We drank "apple juice" in the continental breakfast room and stayed up until 3:30 am with the kareoke bunch. I guess it probably sounds bad that we had fun the night of our grandpa's funeral, but you have to understand we'd already been mourning for days. I think he would have wanted us to have fun.

Anyhow, I'm at my Dad's now, trying to support him because he isn't taking this so well. I think I've moved on from being sad about my grandpa's death, to being really worried about my father.

But I should go to bed... I promise I will write about that list of things that I wanted to write about eventually, but tonight is not the night.

State: Still tired

I just have to say, all of my friends ROCK! Especially Jeanine, who dropped me off chocolate and a card. Jeanine, I love chocolate way more than flowers. Sarah T. and Charles and all of the other people at the Genetics formal, for making me feel normal again.

I'm still sad, but I can hold off on the crying and such until the funeral (which I now know when it is). to go to that funeral, I am going to have to finish my paper tomorrow and do two days of lab work in one day, but I am willing to do it. Not to mention all the classes I am going to miss.

So I am this weird mixture of happy and sad right now. It's like there is two parts of me for the moment. One part of me that is still mourning, and the other part that carries on with life. But I am going to go to bed now... I need my sleep if I am going to write a paper tomorrow.

{edit-11:31 am} - Chad needs to be added to the list of people that rock. He just offered to find virgin females (flies) while I am gone. My friends are amazing :)

I don't know what to do with myself. I tried writing my paper, but I can't think. I tired talking to people but I don't know what to say. Everything seems wrong. I want to cry to let it all out, but little seems to come. I want to phone someone to talk to them, but I don't know what to say. They don't know what to say. I want to see my family. I don't wnat to be here. I want to be with people but at the same time I want to be alone. I don't think i'll try and do more work right now. I need to just let myself go for a bit and not worry about school. I feel so powerless and so guilty for never visiting. Finally... the tears are coming. God, it feels good to cry.

I said I wouldn't post before my paper is done, but this is really important. I just found out this morning that my grandfather died. I'm sad I didn't get to see him before he died, even though he doesn't know who I am anymore. I'm worried about my father and how this might be affecting him and argh I just want to pick and leave and go to Saskatoon, but I can't. Not until I know more. I don't want to do anything anymore... I just want to be there for my family. I hope I know more soon.

State: Sad

Due to hormonal imbalances associated with this time of the month no major decision making will happen until I am more hormonally balanced.

Things I want to post about at a soon to come date:
1) My Philosophy on life/religion
2) Enjoying life in Edmonton again
3) Chronic procrastination

Things I must do before I post about these things:
1) Sleep
2) Spend money I don't have on genetics formal ticket
3) Write my paper (or at least a rough draft for my witchcraft class)

So until then, so long and goodnight :)

State: Good
Song: When I Goosestep- The Shins

And the annual meltdown begins! It is the time of year when Lisa gets to pick her courses and cringe about what the future may bring. Here is my dilemma: I think I want to take this lab course that everyone says is really evil and hard and tells me not to take. Even after hearing how evil and hard it, I still want to take it. Something inside of me tells me I simply have to take this course. I don't know what is compelling me, but something is. Ugh, I wish I had an Urim and Thummim to help me make this decision. But I don't and I have to rely on what my gut tells me, because my gut feeling is usually right. I'm not interested in any of the other LIST C options. And most of the ones I am interested it, conflict- once again with my required courses. If I were looking for omens I am getting mixed messages. The people, which could be leading me off my path, are telling me stay away. The other omens, like me loving the lab and doing well in it, are saying, "Take it... you'll hate but in the end you'll be really happy you took it". I'm leaning toward taking it for any of you who are wondering. There are a few reasons... but I don't want to go into that right now.

So there you have it... that is the whole reason I have gotten nothing done in my school work today. It's still eating me up inside, but I think I'll live.

Song: Bad Day- Something Corporate
State: Conflicted

PS- Good stuff happened today too... climbing was awesome. What a stress reliever! We did bouldering problems... ones that we made up and my partner was awesome, so that made it lots of fun :)

I love spring. I realize Edmonton will most likely have another snowfall before the school year is out, but what is happening right now is very spring like and it makes me think that spring is here. I don't know what it is about spring, I think it is one of my favourite seasons. Spring and fall I guess would be my two favourite seasons. I guess I like them because they both have moderate temperatures, not too hot, and not too cold.

Spring always makes me feel so hopeful about the future, and while I'm walking to school taking it all in, I forget about all my worries for even just a little while. Maybe that is just the extra vitamin D that I am getting because it has been so amazingly sunny. Whatever it is, it feels nice.

Something I realized on one of these walks (I'm sure this isn't the first time I have realized this, but I seem to forget) is that although I have very real physical desires, what I am really looking for is love (or at least deep like to begin with). I think I forget this when my physical desires overrun my emotional desires. I'm looking for a connection (emotional first, physical later). I am confident that I will find the person out there somewhere. I'm not sure when, where or how, but that doesn't matter. I also realized the fact that I know exactly what I want has probably limited me. How you might ask? It limits me, and stops me from exploring completely unexpected and yet plausible possibilities.

Oh and I love climbing. It was amazing tackling stuff that I used to not be able to do. I want my own shoes... I want to climb more. The rush was amazing! I love bouldering too, but climbing the high walls is totally different. Bouldering is great for learning technique, and technique is something that really helps with climbing the high walls.

Sleep calls. Goodnight!

State: Amazing
Song: Anyway- Gavin DeGraw

I shouldn't be posting... but I am. I should be working on the lab report I have due. So last night I ended my four and half year drought. Not in a way I would have expected, and not in a way that was really very satisfying. I mean, it is one thing to have the drought end in a meaningful way, say a huge downpour that lasts for days and days and actually replenishes moisture to the cracked starved ground. But when it ends in a short, meaningless shower that barely produces mud it is sort of anticlimactic. And only leaves one dry and thirsty for more. What I am trying to say, next time I hope a monsoon ends this new dry spell.

State: Pensive
Song: Smoke Baby- Hawksley Workman

Was that me? I can't believe it- I'm capable of flirting :)

State: incredulous
Song: Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene

Yesterday kind of sucked. I was on the verge of tears most of the day because of various stupid reasons, one of which been the absence of my lab manual. I had a splitting headache and do not remember most of what went on in class yesterday. After I took some headache drugs and drank lots of water I seemed to feel better and managed to give a rather good phone interview for an industrial internship position in Brooks. Night class was good, but by the time I got to Safewalk, I didn't know what day it was.

When I got home from Safewalk, I found an e-mail that contained the most wonderful news I've had since Monday. My precious lab manual has been located. It is now back in my hands and I hope it never leave me again.

I hear back from the lady tomorrow about the lab job. I think I will take it if I get it. Experience is everything in my line of work. It doesn't matter what your marks are, if you don't have experience and someone else does they are more likely to get the position. I know, because I have no experience at this point.

Anyhow... on to the whole reason why I am posting. I'm looking for some new music to listen to. What I'd like people to do is post (in the comments for this post) new music (stuff I haven't mentioned) that you'd think I'd like. Or you can just post what your favourite songs are or albums or anything to do with music.

State: Procrastination makes nothing happen