Ranting instead of working

I should be stuyding for a make-up exam I have tomorrow but I am too angry. Some forgot to put TAE in our running buffer, and I subsequently made a gel with this so called running buffer (water) and tried to run it in the so called running buffer.

At about 12:30 pm today I am told by our technician that it was a water gel and that she threw it out. I didn't know whether to cry or to walk into the lab and find the culprit and kill them. This ruined about three full days (8 hour days, no classes) of work, not to mention put me about a week behind and IT NEVER HAD TO HAPPEN. Fucking hell- I wish people were more careful when they are making something that everyone will use.

So I decided that all I would be able to do today is my mouse stuff and then go home because I was shaking that I was so upset. So upset. I cried on the way to the mouse facility. And I still don't know how I am going to work in there tomorrow.

Certainly not a good day in the life of Lisa. Not good at all.

Lab Monkey

And so it begins again. Hours spent in the lab on weekends. The more I think about it... the more I realize that I am really not in the right career. I am such a people person and I am heading towards a career that involves minimal contact with people. Well- you always interact with people but there are long periods where you don't. I guess that would be like a lot of jobs... like a desk job except that instead of a desk, I would get a lab bench and a desk.

I guess the plus side of this- is I know that I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I could probably hack it for maybe about 2 or 3 years before becoming fed up with it. I mean it is awesome when things work, but when they don't- and they don't for as long time, it gets frustrating. I'm going to start researching careers, see if I can find a career where I get to work with people (yes I know every job involves working with people) but actually helping people.

If anyone has any idea of what they think I might be good at and like- please let me know. So far- people have said I could become a teacher, some sort of counsellor and someone even told me they thought I would make a good sales person.

Anyhow... I should get back to studying for my music exam. Not that I really need to study that much... but I want an A in this class, so I need to so especially well on the exams to do that because it is not curved. Yes- a class at the U of A that is not curved. I was as shocked as you might be.

Devonshire Cream

Devonshire cream has to be the most sinful and most amazing thing I have ever tasted lately. For those of you that don't know what this most delectable treat is I will have to enlighten you. It is whipped cream mixed with cream cheese. I thought I was forever in love with cream cheese icing until I found out about Devonshire cream. It tastes amazing on the scones that our pastry chef Jean makes. But I can think of many other thing this would taste amazing on... for example on angel food cake with strawberrys instead of normal whipped cream. I am going to have to find the recipe for this, although I am pretty sure work would give it to me. It isn't like it is some closely garded trade secret.

Well... since I am done yamming on and on about Devonshire Cream... I've been doing good lately. Besides having a crisis/revelation that I will never be happy couped up in a lab everything is just fine. It is funny, because it doesn't even bother me that I don't want to do lab work, after all this time and effort trying to get lab experience so that I could get said lab jobs. I feel like I am getting closer and closer to finding something I really want to do. Want that is- I'm not sure. But one thing is for sure. I HAVE TO WORK WITH PEOPLE. After spending years thinking I don't like working with people, I have discovered that I actually really enjoy it. more than enjoy it- I LOVE it.

Now I just need to find the right career involving people and everything will be good. Any suggestions would be welcome.

Anyhow... I should sleep. Big day in the lab tomorrow. Woot!

Why was I so scared?

So I finally did something I should have a long time ago: I told someone I care about exactly how I was feeling. It wasn't easy... it just sort of came out. I tried to bring it into the conversation, but it is hard to talk seriously with someone that that likes to joke about things. And then I got frustrated and started to cry. I think the fear of sharing these feelings comes from times in the past where I completely opened up and got really hurt. I was scared of it happening again, but it didn't. So my goal is to get over this fear completely and free myself from emotional constipation.

Anyhow... I had a productive day in the lab and it was nice to get to hang out with Ryan. Reading week is actually going to be spent reading. And relaxing of course... but I want to have my oral presentation done and over with before school starts back.

So disappointed...

Ugh... I hate doing poorly, when I think I could have done better. I feel like that is the story of my life in this lab course. I wish there were some sort of effort mark in the class. You know, 5% to tell you that yes you did try hard even if your mark does not reflect it. I feel like I need to do more, always more to do better in that class. At times, I love the challenge. At other times, like right now, I just feel burnt out. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to do as well as I might like. I need to become more consistant. I've decided, especially in regards to my lab course, I am going to start doing all the background readings and making myself a notebook that describes exactly why we are doing everything- reagents, steps, everything. As well as some more general knowledge about lab techniques.

I think if I do that, I'll have the background I need to possibly do better in this class. I hate floundering like I am right now. It feels awful. Its almost like part of me has stopped caring. Anyhow, I need sleep if I am going to face the lab tomorrow.

Do I need to sell my soul to do well in 420?

I just finished the first of many hellish weeks to come. I wish I hadn't spent so much time on my stupid stupid lab course because what did I get back? Crap sequences on most of my stuff. I think I have one that might be useable... ONE. I bombed my debate yesterday. I froze up and forgot what I was going to say. Even though I practiced.

Not to mention I probably did crappy on the assignment I handed in... needless to say it is back to the drawing board for my lab course. I think I'll set up a new set of phage lysates... and see if I can get anything interesting.

I think today will be better. Unless I find out that my one sequence is crap too.

I feel like I'm losing my soul to this course. What if research is beyond what I am capable? I don't want it to be... but what if it is?