Nothing Heals Me Like You Do

I decided that my posts needed titles... mostly because I wanted to put a title on today.

Sigh... I don't want to go back. This weekend was just too good. When I pulled into Edmonton on Friday, I was instantly sad. Mostly because I knew I was going to have to leave in just a short few days. I wandered around the university- but this too just saddened me. I want to be back soooo bad. But things looked up from then on, although I didn't get to see everyone I wanted because people were busy with school stuff which is completely understandable.(Sorry I didn't call Jeanine- I really wanted to but kept leaving your number at home- I promise I'll call the next time I'm up and we'll do something- okay?)

I had some good talks with Ryan we spent some quality time together. It was really nice. It was one of those ordinary weekends, that are somehow so comforting. I don't know... I really don't have much to say about this weekend, other than it was great and I am sad that I am heading back to Brooks.

Anyhow... I think I might go shower and get ready so until next time- so long!

State: Sad to be going back
Song: London Rain- Heather Nova
Countdown: 97 days 12 hours and 57 minutes remaining

I haven't posted for awhile because my ex-roommate took off with the internet. I'm actually really jealous of her. I have to live with her fat, lazy boyfriend and she gets to be back at school and will see Ryan more than I will in the next three and half months. That's only because she is in his lab but still. I can't help but feel slightly bitter that she can pick up and leave, no notice, guilt free; while I slave away at work and carry some guilt about giving four months notice on leaving my internship.

Why do I do this to myself? Honestly, I haven't done anything wrong by wanting to leave early. I admit, 16 months experience would look better than 8, but honestly there is more to life than trying to get a good job. I don't feel like I am giving up a wonderful opportunity because I think I have already had one. People at work are trying to convince me to stay, but I don't think they understand why I am leaving. They try to convince me, if I try I will meet people and come to like it here. I don't doubt that they are right. I think I could meet people down here, and possibly even find it bearable. The thing is, nothing can replace the people I have met in Edmonton. Right now, I don't think this is the place for me to be.

I'm not even sure I should have taken the internship to begin with. I mean there were all sorts of signs to me that I shouldn't do it. My Uncle and step brother told me Brooks was a horrible place to live. And I got this funny feeling, that I shouldn't go right before I accepted the job. Something in my heart was telling me not to go. But my head told me I'd be silly to give up an opportunity like this, and so I took the job. Turns out I probably should have listened to my heart all along.

In other news, I found a new place to live. It is a Bachelor suite which means I will be living ALL BY MYSELF! Nothing could make me happier except maybe if it were January already and I was moving into a new place in Edmonton.

Also, I'll probably be in Edmonton on the 24, 25 and 26 of September. I can't wait!!

Anyhow... you probably won't hear from me for awhile again because of the lack of internet so, goodbye for now and hopefully I get around to posting sooner or later!

State: Lonely

Okay... so this will be a little bit of a rant. One petpeeve of mine is people who don't cash cheques right away. I wrote the 1st on the cheque so that I could see the money leave my account shortly thereafter. Not weeks later.

Not having internet again sucks. Especially because it isn't like my rent went down after internet service was discontinued... not that internet costed that much divided by three...

I'm looking for a place to live in for the next four months. I mean I want to be on my own, I'm sick of having roommmates. But I'm not sure I can afford it... especially in Brooks where everything is so expensive.

Ugh... I don't want to go back but I should at least shower and do something. That's how I can tell I hate this place so much. At least I'll be working, that makes time go faster.

Countdown:116 days, 11 hours and 28 minutes remaining
State: blah, sad to be going back

So I told my boss about leaving early (at the end of December) and she was fine with it. In fact she was more than fine with it, she understood completely and was happy I told her now. Now she has plenty of time to find a replacement and I get to leave guilty-free sans screwing anyone over. The plus side to that is that my supervisor is likely to give me a great reference which is what I need. Apparently, I had a wicked performance review. And I think I'll still be able to do Biology 400 which would get "Internship program" written on my diploma. I don't care so much about that one... in fact I wouldn't even care if I couldn't get that anymore.

Anyhow... the fact that I am leaving in 4 months makes work that much more bearable. I should go to bed though I have to get up somewhat early considering the time it is now.

State: Content

I'll be tired to tomorrow, but it was worth it to see old friends. There is something about my high school friends that I can't get anywhere else. You have been through so much with them and not matter how much everyone changes or doesn't you still feel super comfortable around them. We tried to watch the fireworks from Michael's house on Cresent Rd. But apparently they weren't shooting the fireworks off the building like they said they would.

I feel a lot better now that I have made some concrete decisions about next year and this internship. I'm staying for another 4 months only because that is the easiest time to leave and still be eligible for my honors degree. So look out U of A, I return in January! According to the IIP co-ordinator if I can find a supervisor, my 499 can be done over the summer which would be ideal because then I would only have fall term of the following year to finish my degree. Although I am not happy about having to stay another 4 months, I can honestly see the end now so it makes it that much more bearable. I have even decided what classes I am taking in the Winter term already, I'm just in the process of trying to get registered into two of them. It wasn't that hard to decide- without having a 499 to deal with I decided I would take 420 and only 2 other courses. That way I have tons of time to spend on it which is ideal considering it is a lot of work. I'm also trying to get back into the Genetics and Ethics courses I managed to get into before I got my internship. I decided I still want to take it... So my returning term is all genetics which is honestly my first love. Microbiology is okay... but genetics is where it is at!

I'm so excited to come back to school it isn't even funny. That's what makes me think that it was the right decision to make. I know it is the right decision. I have the warm fuzzy- I just made the best decision of my life feeling. I should go to bed though. I have to drive back to Brooks before my 12 hour shift which should be fun. I think I will start a countdown until my internship is over!

And the countdown begins: 120 days, 23 hours and 9 minutes remaining!

State: content with my decision

I haven't been updating my blog because honestly I don't think people want to read about how miserable I am. But that's the truth. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I thought I would like working in a lab and I do. But I don't like the type of lab work I am doing right now. I am pretty sure I could not work in that sort of diagnostic lab for the rest of my life. First of all, they don't want us to think so everything is automated and I honestly feel like I am getting stupider every day I work there. I mean I already forget how to do the simplest things because I am used to my stupid lab where all the thinking is done for you. I hate it... I mean the only thing I can take away from the whole experience is that I can multitask way better now than I was ever able to before. I'm agonizing over making this decision because I don't really have the money to go back to school, but that is what I would like to do. I also feel bad for leaving them without someone, especially because Wendy, the other student has already left.

I mean, I've been spending most of my pay cheque travelling back to Calgary because I am so homesick I can't stand to stay there and be by myself. I've never felt this homesick before. Not even when I moved to Edmonton and didn't know anyone. I knew eventually I'd meet people and all would be good. I don't see myself meeting anyone here. I'm thinking of taking the semester off to work anyways though and still taking the extra year to finish my degree. I would take an extra semester in January which would allow me to take all the courses that I don't have room to take.

I don't know... I will see how this all pans out. But I decided that it doesn't matter what kind of reference I would get at the end of this, not if I spend a year of my life being miserable.

Anyhow... before I spread this dark mood to everyone who reads, I will go.

State: Tired, racked with guilt about wanting to leave and wanting to leave real bad