Since I've already manically checked for a mark that probably won't get posted, I figured I would make a post. That and I am sick of studying the GIT.

I'm excited for this internship. I'm kind of scared too. I mean what if I'm horrible? I always seem to have this huge fear of failing. It is almost a phobia because most of the time it is completely ridiculus. I mean I don't mean to say- hmmm I think I did bad and then proceed to do really well. I guess that is a lack of confidence in my abilities. I really shouldn't doubt myself so much. I mean, I have proven to myself time and time again that I am capable of doing things and yet I never have a very good idea of whether I've done well or not. woah... that was rambly.

Last night was good. I was sick of studying physiology (then again, when am I not?)so Ryan came over and we went for a walk to steeps and got some tea. It was nice to just sit and chat over a cup of tea. I had strawberry and cream Rooibos and he had vanilla bourbon black tea. I'm going to miss him when I am gone to Brooks. We decided to try the long distance thing out though. We both work shift work so we will both be getting longish strings of days off in a row. Which means I probably won't spend many of my days off in Brooks, but I never planned to anyways. This is the first time in my life I have met a guy I immediately felt so comfortable with. And it is really nice. It was like when I met Lindsay, except with physical attraction as well.

I can't wait until Thursday, when I will be done once and for all the horribleness that is PHYSIOLOGY! And then I will pack all day and go out to a BBQ in Hawrelak park and then to Jay's multiday party. The next day all my stuff will be moved out into the moving truck and the day after that I will on the road headed down to Brooks.

I'll be living in a trailer, so you can make fun of me and call me trailer trash if you want for a whole year!!! But hey- my room has its own bathroom so that isn't half bad. Apparently the paint is ugly, but they said that they would fix that. Or I can on my first set of days off. I think I shall go watch the amazing race while I try and learn about the liver.

State: wanting to gouge my eyes out with dissecting forceps because physiology is so boring.
Song: London Rain- Heather Nova

It is going to take a lot of will power for me to study hard for this physiology exam I have a week from yesterday. I hate physiology. It's all just crappy memorization. That's why I like genetics. it started out by being problem solving, which I love. Then in second year (270 and 275) turned out to be a little more memorization based. Third year we still have to memorize, but it is almost back to that problem solving based questions again. And that is what I like. I'm good at it, it is something that is intuitive for me now. I guess you could say I think like a geneticist. And you'll see that trend in my marks too. I just got the first two A's I've had since I got a 9 in first year in biology 107. And that makes me happier than you can imagine. Who really cares that my other marks are a lot lower. I broke my B+ rut. Not that it was really a rut, because B+'s are really good.

In other news, I found a place to live in Brooks. I'll be living with the other student that is going down there. The rent is kind of high, but rent is ridiculus in Brooks and it is about what I would be paying on my own, except that on my own I would be resposible for paying bills and stuff and she is just going to include everything. whoa- that was a really poorly written sentence. Meh... I guess that is why I got a B in witchcraft. I think I'm probably going to be able to move my stuff with hers. Which is awesome because we were having trouble trying to find a vehicle that isn't too big to move all my stuff.

Anyhow... I think I will crack down on this thing called physiology. I need to get a good mark in that class because it counts for two. Stupid physiology is going to be the death of me. Die physiology! Die!

State: Don't want to study, but will force myself to

Why have I not started to panic like I usually do? I haven't even started studying for population genetics and I'm only gone through almost everything in 302 once. I want to panic. I need to panic. Panic dammit. Panic works. To an extent. I need to panic enough to do something I hate, which is study.

Okay... I think it is starting to work :) Yay!

State: Pre-panic, Ideal for studying

Because it has been awhile, I've updated the quote on my blog. I guess that one sums up more how I feel right now even though I did decide to stick with the Garden State theme.

Anyhow, I have to get back to studying boundary elements, which have become the new bane of my existance.

State: Can't wait for tonight

And the study hermitage begins! As much as I don't want it to. For those of you who know what I am like around exams (Daley) you'll note the hermitage has started later this year. And although I really want to go out tonight, I think I will just have a quiet evening at home after my Safewalk shift.Some alone time you might say. I haven't been getting much alone time lately and I think it will be nice. As much as that will disappoint certain people, I need to get to bed early tonight and um focus.

Obviously, I won't be able to turn myself into a complete study hermit like I normally do, I've already planned out in my mind how that will work. I don't do a whole lot of studying past nine most nights, so this time will be available to spend with people (Namely, Ryan). As long as I am in bed (sleeping) by 12 pm. Now I may sound like my own study nazi... but it is for my own good in the long run. And on that note, off to my books. It is so nice only having to concentrate on two classes for the time being. (That is about my max that I can concentrate on at once)But like I said, I have 5 topic in one class to get through and a third of the course for the other class to get through.

State: Kind of excited about studying (I know I won't feel like this later)
Song: Random Classical

I have to say that this has been some week. I had the best birthday I have had in a really long time because birthday's can often be kind of disappointing (like New Year's) because you have such high expectations for it, but this exceeded any expectations I could have ever had.

Things are going well with me and Ryan (yes that would be the person I have been refering to cryptically for the last little while). Now I just have to figure out how I am going to get work done. I think that we are going to stay away from each other for a couple of days. There isn't much I can say beyond that.

Anyhow happy BSD for those in Calgary and happy last day of school for those in Edmonton.

State: Still Happy
Song: Best I've Ever Had- Vertical Horizon

Last night, I decided to blow off studying (I know, how uncharacteristic of me) and go watch a movie with my boy. When he asked me, I hesitated for about a split second before thinking- I'm so distracted right now anyways, that all I will think about if I don't go is how much I'd rather be at his place watching a movie. It was really nice. The movie was quite good too. We watched Hero and I have to say it is quite good. The cinematography is amazing and the story line is pretty good too. (And yes, we actually watched the movie...) Then we just watched some random TV. I discovered he likes watching the same sort of random TV as I do. Some matchmaker, some Sex, Toys and Chocolate, some food network... and by that time it was time to go home because otherwise I would miss the LRT home.

This is really my first experience dating someone and it is so much better than anything that went on in high school. Maybe it is because we both know who we are. I mean in High School, many of us don't know who we are or where we are going in life. Now, I just don't know where I am going in life. I'm also more confident than I was in High School and a lot happier. I heard somewhere that you have to be happy with yourself and by yourself before you'll ever be happy with someone. You can't come to someone half full (or empty, depending on how you look at it)with happiness and expect them to fill you up to the brim. (No I don't mean that in a dirty way, but I just realized it might sound dirty.) Anyhow, today I am going to study all day, and actually I feel much much less distracted. It appears going out helped with that. I guess sometimes you have to succum to the distraction before you will cease to be distracted.

State: Happy

Mmmmm that's really all I can say. There is nothing like what I am feeling right now in the world. It's honestly been too long, and I hope I don't lose my head this time. I don't think I will, because I am in a much better place.

Anyhow, I'm dead tired. I was almost falling asleep when we were out so I think I will just leave this at that.

State: On Cloud 9
Song: No Begining No end- Hawksley Workman

This will be another short post and although some of you may not get it, it describes how I am feeling to a tee. I feel like a virgin fruit fly that has been cooped up in a vile all by myself, for too long.

That's all for now..

Until after tonight, when I may have some more exciting news, good day and goodnight.

I'm so excited about today! But I was just looking through my music collection and I don't seem to have many happy songs. I need to fix that. Anyhow, off to class.

State: Excited
Song: You're the Storm- The Cardigans

Last night was amazing, but boy am I paying for it today. We went out as a lab and proceeded to get really really drunk. I honestly don't think I have ever been that gone before. I couldn't feel my lips or my hands. And I loved everyone.

It also took care of the whole being shy around the person you like thing. lol... yeah but since this isn't some random person this time, I won't say what happened.

So today, I amazingly made it to school and to all of my classes :)

Well hopefully I make it to the rest of my classes.

I will. It is the last class before the final!

State: Dead tired (or maybe this is what characterizes a hangover.I don't get them very often, but I think this one might be one.)

So it is over. I've repressed the memory of it. I hope I got good results.

People think the person I like, likes me back. Apparently he never took his eyes off of me. Anyone who is a guy- does that mean anything? If only I was staying, something would happen. Maybe he is too good a person to start something with me now, knowing it will be even harder later. Maybe I want that... I haven't liked anyone this much in a long time and maybe I am just ready to get my heart broken again. Not that anyone's really ready for that... I'm ready for the good stuff that comes before that.

Does anyone believe that we are just meant to meet certain people? People, that for some reason or another you have an instant connection. Take my friend (and roommate from last year) Lindsay, we hit it off from the moment we met each other. It was like I could tell her anything and she would understand. Most of the time, it takes me awhile to get to that point with a person, but with her it has been instant. It is the same way with this guy. Normally, I hesitate before giving out my MSN/phone number. I didn't with him. Normally, I have trouble opening up to guys I barely know. Not him... ugh! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

State: Torn
Song: What Would Happen- Meredith Brooks

I don't feel like I have a final tomorrow. That is generally not a good sign, but I think all will be fine tomorrow. I don't know why I am not worried... I'm just not. I think I might practice setting up some digests tonight. But other than just reading over all of the stuff there really isn't much to study. It is kind of like reading comprehension. Pretty hard to study for.


On to something a little more cryptic...Why does this have to happen now? I just had the most enjoyable afternoon I've had studying (or not studying, just talking to someone) in a while. Stupid timing... I hate it. I haven't been this compatible with someone in a long time or maybe ever. Is it silly that it makes me want to cry? I'm pretty sure nothing will happen. The sensible side of me says its for the best, you are leaving. I am sure something would have happened had I stayed here... but because I am leaving... questionable.

So I just got back from more procrastinating- Princess and I went out for Suishi. Well she had suishi and I had green tea ice cream. It was good :)

Okay back to work :)

I should be studying so I am going to make this quick. Well as quick as I can considering, there is just too much spinning around in my mind right now for me to concentrate on why we wash membranes with the solutions that we do.

Firstly, although I am excited that I managed to land an internship, there is that part of me that wants to stay here next year and just finish my degree. But as far as future career stuff, it is best that I go. It just kills me that the person she hired to also be a student there is such a prick. Not to mention he talks to me like I am an idiot. I don't think he likes me much either. But I understand why he got the position- he has the background with all of the courses he has taken. He of the "I'm not going to help you because university is competitive, and I don't want to give anyone an upper edge" variety. It is funny that he thinks that, because in every course that I have helped someone, they tend to help me back and I tend to do better than I would have if had just tried to learn it alone. He doesn't seem to understand that in the real world, no one ever really works alone. I've never had a job that was completely solitary. I mean, everyone may have their individual part, but usually it all comes together in the end to form a big part. Most jobs involve some sort of teamwork. Hopefully, he drops this whole competition attitude at work, because if he doesn't I might want to stab him with some dissecting forceps by the end of the year. I think we will be on different shifts after the first three months.

Secondly, my timing sucks. We will just leave it at that. Most of you who read this know what I am talking about.

Thirdly, I'm tired because of daylight saving time. I looked up why we do it though- it has something to do with saving energy. Which is cool, but it doesn't make me any less tired today. Here is a good website I found that is all about daylight saving time.

Fourthly, I noticed I start liking Edmonton again when it starts getting sunny again here. Maybe it's like seasonal affective depression disorder(SADD), except that it is Seasonal Dislike Edmonton Disorder (SDED for short). Because right now, I really like Edmonton.

Fifthly, I need to go to MEC for a new watch band.

Sixthly, I really don't have much else to say, but that I am just writing now to not go study.

Okay, okay... I'll go. Hope everyone has a nice day :)

State: Feeling very much like a good procrastinate...
Song: Rhapsody in Blue

I feeling much better about things as of late. Actually things are looking up. I have an industrial internship lined up for the coming year which is awesome. Awesome because I don't have to make any choices about what courses to take next year.

I still plan on writing a whole big long thesis on my beliefs on spirituality and the like. It might only be after the 29 though. That's right... maybe only once I have had some time to myself in Brooks to actually write it all down. I don't know why I feel the need to write it down, but I do. It is very individual though and I am not wanting to convert anyone to my way of thinking. Actually, that is the last thing I am looking to do. If you happen to agree with what I am saying, great. But this writing on my beliefs will be more just so I can write them down and so other people can understand where I stand. Not that I think that matters much either.

Anyhow... my roommates are bitches and that's all there is to it. How was I supposed to know in September that I would get an internship? There was no way of knowing if I would be here or not next year. Internships aren't easy to get in biosci. I think only 15 people get them a year. It is kind of like winning the lottery, only with better chances. Anyhow, it wasn't my intent to screw them overby only signing my lease until May. But honestly- who signs a lease until September unless they know for sure that they will be staying there the whole summer. I mean, landlords will renew leases if you decided you did want to sublet it for summer and continue to live there throughout the year. So legally I am not bound to pay rent for the summer. I will however be nice and try and rent the room for the summer.

So if anyone that reads this is looking for a place to live in Edmonton for the summer, my room is up for grabs. It is a rather large room, unfurnished. 400$ a month plus phone and cable. They might even let you stay for the school year. They won't be there for the summer so I'm sure the living situation won't be too bad.


Sleep calls.

State: Decent

I had a guilt attack tonight. I'm not sure why. It could be because I am getting nothing in the means of work done. I mean I have a lab exam a week from yesterday (Monday) and I haven't started studying. And there are so many other things I need to do as well.

I hate guilt. Especially when it is undeserved. My family is all about guilt. It's how they want us to live. I guess that's what makes us such good Catholics even though we never go to church.

Fucking guilt. I managed to fight my guilt monster tonight. It wasn't easy, and I don't think the battle is over yet. Anyhow... I don't want to scare anyone. I will ask for help when I need it. I always have. I may not be my happy cheery self for the next little while, but don't be concerned. I need this right now. I need to deal with what I have going on inside right now.

So if you ask me how I am, I'll probably say fine, because any other answer will require a long drawn out explanation. Don't feel bad if I don't explain to you what I am really feeling. In high school, I probably would have willingly shared this information with anyone who'd listen.

I just want everyone to know, I will be fine. I've dealt with worse and I have felt much worse than this in my life. I'm nowhere near rock bottom lows I've hit before. I'm just not nearly as happy as I might have been before. So that that is my story... and now I am going to sleep.

State: Not peachy-keen
Song: Autumn's Here- Hawksley Workman, The Most Depressing Song- The Get Up Kids, Numb- Linkin Park

I feel very overwhelmed right now. I haven't felt this way in quite sometime. I feel like I need to reorganizing. I don't know what I want to do next year. Whether I want to take this job or not. Right now, I feel like I shouldn't. Like it would be a bad idea to uproot myself from Edmonton. The experience, no doubt would be wonderful. But do I want to go and live in Brooks for a year to do it. I have no idea. I'm definitely related to the rest of my family. All of us have problems making decisions.

I have so many decisions to make right now and so much work to do and really all I want to do is crawl into a hole for awhile and I don't know when I would want to come out.

The bottom line is, I don't think I've felt quite like this in a long. And instead of waiting for things to get better, I am going to be proactive and do something about it right away. Because I shouldn't feel like this. And I can't make this many decisions in my state. It just won't happen.

Let the reorganization of my life begin.

State: Like a black hole is swallowing me from the inside out

Wow... it seems like forever ago since last Saturday. It feels like just yesterday that I quickly packed what I could and hopped on the bus down to Calgary so we could drive down to Swift Current the net day. I can't believe a whole week went by already. It was an intense week and even that might be an understatement. Very emotional, but I really didn't expect it to be anything else.

This past week made me really appreciate my family. As dysfunctional as we are, we still all managed to come together this week and support each other through a rough time.I saw family members that I haven't seen since I was 13. It was really nice to catch up with them. I don't get to see my cousins very often anymore now that we are older. I really hope we do stay in touch, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I mean, I have enough trouble staying in touch with my sisters- let alone my cousins.

The funeral was good and I think spending time with family was healing. I didn't have to try and think of something good to say or do. Simply being there, and supporting my other family members was enough. My grandpa lived a good long life to the age of 91 and I am happy that he is now with my grandma.

My other cousins went out to Kareoke and drank the night after the funeral. I guess that is our family's version of a wake. My cousin Kris and I decided not to go and chose to sit in my hotel room and catch up with each other as well which was really nice. We drank "apple juice" in the continental breakfast room and stayed up until 3:30 am with the kareoke bunch. I guess it probably sounds bad that we had fun the night of our grandpa's funeral, but you have to understand we'd already been mourning for days. I think he would have wanted us to have fun.

Anyhow, I'm at my Dad's now, trying to support him because he isn't taking this so well. I think I've moved on from being sad about my grandpa's death, to being really worried about my father.

But I should go to bed... I promise I will write about that list of things that I wanted to write about eventually, but tonight is not the night.

State: Still tired

I just have to say, all of my friends ROCK! Especially Jeanine, who dropped me off chocolate and a card. Jeanine, I love chocolate way more than flowers. Sarah T. and Charles and all of the other people at the Genetics formal, for making me feel normal again.

I'm still sad, but I can hold off on the crying and such until the funeral (which I now know when it is). to go to that funeral, I am going to have to finish my paper tomorrow and do two days of lab work in one day, but I am willing to do it. Not to mention all the classes I am going to miss.

So I am this weird mixture of happy and sad right now. It's like there is two parts of me for the moment. One part of me that is still mourning, and the other part that carries on with life. But I am going to go to bed now... I need my sleep if I am going to write a paper tomorrow.

{edit-11:31 am} - Chad needs to be added to the list of people that rock. He just offered to find virgin females (flies) while I am gone. My friends are amazing :)

I don't know what to do with myself. I tried writing my paper, but I can't think. I tired talking to people but I don't know what to say. Everything seems wrong. I want to cry to let it all out, but little seems to come. I want to phone someone to talk to them, but I don't know what to say. They don't know what to say. I want to see my family. I don't wnat to be here. I want to be with people but at the same time I want to be alone. I don't think i'll try and do more work right now. I need to just let myself go for a bit and not worry about school. I feel so powerless and so guilty for never visiting. Finally... the tears are coming. God, it feels good to cry.