So I'm not getting much done on my lab report... so I'm going to kick myself later for wasting so much time and getting so little sleep.

So I decided to procrastinate and take the following quiz:

Take the Dead German Composer Test!

Wow... I didn't know my perfectionism would shine through in the Dead Composer test but apparently it does.

BTW... Stats can kiss my ass. Fucking P values, t-tests and ANOVA. Fuck them all. And what sucks even more is I am the only person in my stupid group that seems to understand anything about stats. So I almost have all of my results written out... and my materials and methods. Argh...

So off to Safewalk I go... at least that will get my mind off school for a bit.

Hope everyone else is doing well :)

State: Stat-urated with work
Song: Anxiety- Black Eyed Peas

I guess I haven't updated in awhile. I really don't know what to say. I think I have decided to stay in my program, but I might do my degree in 5 years instead of four.

I have a hellish month of school ahead of me. It least it looks horrible. hmmm...

I think I am going home for the summer, and I'll just work at Heritage Park for the summer. It's far easier to do that instead of trying to find a job in Edmonton and paying rent and the lot.

I baked cookies last night. skor bar cookies... they are so good.

anyhow... I'm tired. I wish I didn't have any assignments left. They take away from doing actual work. mind you that is kind of a backward thought seeing as most people find assignments to be the "real" work. Not me... assignments just get in the way of me studying for the subject.

Okay... that's enough for now.

State: Bleh...
Song: Anxiety - Black Eyed Peas

Okay, so I said I'd update this with the story from last night. I will start from the begining.

As some of you know, I have been questioning remaining in my chosen program. Not because I don't enjoy genetics. It's not that. I feel the program is too narrowly focused. Which is to be expected from an Honors program. I still feel capable of doing it, but the question is whether I want to or not.

So my Safewalk evening begins and I meet my partner. Really nice guy- 4th year Biological Sciences major with a minor in psych. Another hopeful med student, which is fairly typical at the U of A. He then tells me he used to be in Honors physiology. I'm intrigued... not so typical anymore. So I asked him why he switched out. And he said he saw it coming from the end of second year. He wasn't enjoying the program much but he thought he'd give third year a try. He, like me, was stubborn and didn't really want to leave the program. So third year comes along, and he said it was like living hell. The hardest most detailed courses he's ever taken. And although he was doing well, he hated it. Not because he didn't like physiology... no because the program had become so focused that the big picture was gone. And you learn so much about ONE thing that you are like, "don't want to know any more...make it stop" So he switched out after third year and decided to do the major/minor thing.

I also liked what he said about the focus in the honors programs isn't really the material, but more the marks and although you may be smart, no fail you end up feeling like the stupid person amongst all the smart people.

Listening to him, I thought- that could end up being me. Just a couple of days ago I mentioned to Daley, that maybe I should stay in the program just to finish it. Which has to be the stupidest reason I have EVER heard to stay in a program. Mostly that stems from me not wanting to give up. He called that the science student stubborness. Which again is stupid. Because it really isn't giving up. I still have to convince myself of that though... The honors programs here, and probably a lot of other places, are so rigid. And I think that if I continue, I will end up hating something that I love.

Walking around, talking, thinking, laughing, just being last night gave me a chance to reflect. I had completely lost track of my ultimate goal when I went into genetics. Getting caught up in the program, in getting good grades to stay in the program, I lost my focus. I still want to be a genetic counsellor. So I am going to go for it. But in a different way. I think I basically decided to switch out of my program last night. Do a major in biosci, minor in psych. I think I like psych enough to get a minor in it. It also allows me to take a lot of the biosci courses I really wanted to take but couldn't with my honors degree and not take the ones I didn't want to take. And I'll decide what I am doing next if I don't get into genetic counselling. Pretty much everything I want to do requires some sort of degree before I can do it anyhow.... but it doesn't have to be an honors degree.

It was simply a great night. One of my best shifts ever. We soon got on to other more interesting topics such as playing pranks on people and I have to say, I was in the company of quite the master mind. When we got back to the office, we filled out the incident report sad we missed the Northern light everybody had talked about but happy that we saw 6 bunnies in Quad. Just as we walk outside though- there they are- the most beautiful Northern Lights I have ever seen.

So yeah... I'm a horrible story teller...

So that was my night. My happy elated feeling has been ruined by the prospect of trying to find a summer job. stupid working. bah.

Anyhow seeing as I was so excited last night, I only got 3 hours of sleep I am going to go to bed now. Goodnight Everyone!

State: tired... anxious
Song: Globes and Maps -Something Coporate

Okay... I can't write much right now because I am going to class in like 5 minutes.... well leaving for school. But I think I may have had a HUGE HUGE HUGE revelation last night. Thanks to my wonderful safewalk partner.

It was one of those magical sort of nights. Northern Lights dancing above, six bunnies, hanging out in Quad.

Lets just say a huge light bulb went off in my head and I think I will be happier from now on. Light bulbs can be kind of annoying, as I didn't really sleep last night. My revelation indiced a sort of insomnia. Hopefully, I am able to sleep tonight!

I will tell the WHOLE story... when I get home.

For now you will just have to wait :)

State: Still excited... sort of annoyed I couldn't sleep
Song:I'm too excited for a song...

I'm wondering if I should listen to the wise advice of Aimee Mann...
hmmmm....
This is my song of the moment:

Wise Up
by: Aimee Mann
It's not
what you thought
when you first
began it
You got
what you want
Now you can hardly stand it, though
but now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

You're sure
there's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think
one drink
will shrink you 'til you're underground
and living down
But it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

Prepare a list
of what you need
before you sign
away the deed
'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No it's not going to stop
So just give up

I better get back to work... although I am kind of enjoying it. It happens now and again... which makes me question myself even more.

State: confused...
Song: See above :)

So, it has been a long time since I have written anything on here. Not because I haven't had anything to say, but more because I haven't really felt like typing stuff out. I'm been letting the thoughts stew in my head. I might continue to let them stew.

I'm not sure I want to sell my soul to the gods of genetics. As my roommate always says... "You are supposed to like it." Yeah... I know... but the more I learn the less I seem to want to. I do like my eukaryotic genetics course although it is kinda weird and I never know quite what I need to know... but it is interesting. I don't really like bacterial genetics that much. Or at least it doesn't feel like I like it. I'm not even sure anymore. Oh well... I hate talking about this stuff it's stupid and I wish I could just make up my mind.

I saw the Barbarian Invasions last night. It was really good but very very sad. the kind of movie where you have to hold back the sobbing. And it was educational- I now know what a blowjob is in french.

Right now I am working on my lab report that is due in a little less than two weeks. Yes, that's right it isn't due tomorrow and I am working on it. And it is coming along quite well. I'm planning on finishing it today. Or at least the rough draft.

I had more to talk about but I can't remember what it is anymore. I was feeling very philosophical earlier today. But I guess that passed. Darn.

State: Off...
Song: No Sleep - Sam Roberts

So I just got back from my Safewalk shift and I have to say this one went much better than the one before. I just don't think that me and the conservative guy, who likes american history really hit it off. My partner was really nice tonight and we actually never ran out of things to talk about, and I think he actually listened to me. The guy I walked with on Sunday would ask me questions at the begining of the night and then he asked me the same questions about an hour later.

We got off early though because he was sick. The shift mostly comprised of riding the bus from the school to the Fac and then back. We took our break in the safewalk office and the dispatcher told us we could go home. I've decided I really like the 10-1 shift. It's nice and peaceful out and there are more walks I think so you keep busier. I don't know it just seemed like it went by a lot faster.

Anyhow so far so good on the homework doing schedule although it is exhausting. My safewalk shift helped me forget I spent all that time studying though. It broke the evening up a little.

Anyhow... off to bed. Although I still do get to sleep in tomorrow. Yay for 12 o'clock classes!

State: Content but EXHAUSTED
Song: Completely random.... I have one line of a Dido song going around in my head... "be careful what you wish for" so something like that....