So today was the perfect day to do lots of thinking. I went out with Phil for lunch. That was fun, it is nice to catch up with people from High school. He's grown taller than he was, if you can imagine that.

Later on today, I sat and read my book and thought about relationships. I think I have a relationship phobia. I'm scared, as most people are, of rejection. But I'm so scared of this rejection that it prevents me from doing anything when I am interested in somebody. At the same time, it causes me to close myself off when I sense someone else might be interested in me. I think it is becuase of this phobia that I am often attracted to guys that I can't have (not single, gay, different city) because these guys are safe. Because they are not available I do not have to worry about them hurting me. Sigh... so it is my goal to get over this retarded fear of relationships that was instilled in me four long years ago... I am going to do everything in my power to develop a healthy attitude toward relationships as the one I have right now does not serve me very.

Anyhow, I guess that is all I have been thinking about lately. I got into my lab course which is good news. I don't have to worry about that anymore. Now I just need to know if I have somewhere to live next year.

I guess I'll write more when I have more revelations...

State: Pensive
Song: My Number- Tegan and Sara
Book: Dune Messiah- Frank Herbert

It's been too long since my last post and aI keep thinking of cool things I'd like to write in here, things that never seem to get written. So I guess those things will never get written.

I went out with Rachel tonight... it was lots of fun.

I'm really tired and I don't know why I am posting because I can't think of anything good to say.

Goodnight!

State: Woah, tired!
Song: I'm not a pretty girl- Ani Difranco
Book: Dune Messiah (book 2 in the series)

I was so happy at work today that Virginia was like in her very cute portugese accent, "Do you have a boyfriend, because you are really happy?" Haha... it's funny that work could possibly give me the same kind of glow that a boyfriend could. I think I must have been just happy to be back at work. It was a semi-busy day today, but I think I handled it well. Chris was funny, haha all sad because today is Sunday and the liquor stores are closed early on Sunday.

So my mom's computer is virus ridden and I think I have made problems worse. Actually, I know I have because before it would start up and now all I get is the blue screen of death. I believe (based on some research I have done using the one virus name that came up) that the stupid hotbar web broswer toolbar might have something to do with this stupid virus problems. She has some sort of TrojanDownloader virus. Anyhow, can I say I told you so to my mom? I can't but I did tell her not to buy a PC and did she listen? No... and if she had she wouldn't have this problem. I have never had a virus on my mac although apparently they exist. I know how to fix macs most of the time when they break whereas I don't really know much about the PC so it didn't make sense for my mom (who knows even less about computers than I do) to buy a computer that I won't be able to fix.

Oh well, I just hope that we can recover stuff from her computer...

Anyway, I am kind of really tired. YAY!!!! Goodnight everyone!!!

State: Good/happy/tired
Song: H.W.C.- Liz Phair
Book: Dune- Frank Herbert

Two days off is almost too much seeing as I never really got to go out with anyone. And if I sound bitter, I think it is because I am. But it really isn't anyone's fault. My days off just happened to fall on two night where anyone was busy. So I just sat at home and watched some of season 4 of Sex and the City. I won't say how much of it I watched because that would just make me sound really sad and pathetic. I also sent out a lot of e-mails to my friends. Hopefully some of them will reply.... I think I just managed to make myself seem more sad and pathetic. Oh well, at this point I really don't care anymore and I am really, really happy that I get to go back to my mindless, mind numbing job tomorrow. I guess that is what days off are for. I guess their purpose is to refresh you and make you feel like you want to work again...

So I think I am about done rambling... maybe I'll go start one of my new books that I got at the library today. Maybe that will make Sunday arrive quicker as I am not very tired because I haven't really done much today.

Sometimes I don't even know why I post on here. I mean, what is the point? Half the time I can't even share what is on my mind completely. Half the time, I feel like I hide things on here just as much as I hide things from people in real life, if not more. Perhaps it is because I don't want my life to be an open book. But at the same time, I wonder why I only post my superficial thoughts? Why don't I post anything that is really, really important to me? Maybe it is because those things are too important to share? But that doesn't seem quite right...

Anyhow I don't know where I am going with this and also don't feel the need to explain my self, even if I did have some idea of what I am talking about. Sometimes I miss high school and how I would share my deepest darkest thoughts with anyone who would listen. At the same time, I am also happy that I am not back in the high school with its raging hormones and misunderstandings. I can only think of a couple of people with whom I can share everything with. I think what triggered these thoughts was the fact that some people haven't been returning my e-mails. Its rather annoying actually. Back in high school I probably would have taken it personally. Now not so much, although it did cross my mind that they might be mad at me.

I'm not even sure what I have been writing at this point, but I guess I hate to admit the next thing I am going to admit. I'm lonely, plain and simple. I hate admiting this to myself because I want to be okay by myself, independent. I am okay by myself, happy even. But I still can't shake the feeling that I'd like something more. Is that so wrong? Does it make me a bad person to not want to be alone? I'm not sure... I'm really not sure about many things. At the same time I feel suspended in time. The summer is passing so quickly, I can't believe we are almost half way through June. It's insane.

And now for something completely different: I was looking at the Vote Anders Out site and it has given me more reasons NOT to vote conservative. What an idiot! Thanks for the link, Daley. I'm now searching for which canidate I will bestow my vote. It will be for any one of the other canidates running. I didn't know we had a Marxist-Leninist Party in Canada. Our very own communist party. I'm sure I'm that left-wing though. I also discovered The Canadian Action Party. They have a fairly interesting message, the site is worth checking out anyhow, if only for the sake of learning about one of the political parties of Canada.

I'm not sure if I want to vote for the Liberal canidate in my riding, Justin Thompson. I might have been the clichés in his website that turned me off. Who knows? I am still undecided. Apparently Justin takes the road less travelled... WTF? He is a Aberhart Alumnus though...

Anyhow, I think I have done enough babbling for one evening and hope that tomorrow night will be more eventful. Oh yeah I saw The Stepford Wives with my mom tonight. I thought it was pretty funny, but the audience didn't seem to get many of the jokes. Oh well it was amusing anyhow...

Until next time...

State: Lonely/happy (yes, I think you can be both)
Book: None
Song: Deliver Me- Sarah Brightman

I didn't realize that I haven't posted since last Sunday. Wow. My week had been fairly uneventful since then except for Monday when I went to RIcki's house and played Sequence with Ricki, Dave, Micki, Jane and Eric. Then we all said good bye to Jane and Eric. I was sad to see them go; we had some good times together.

Also on Monday I got to watch the end of the hockey game. It was sad to see the Flames lose, but at the same time I am so happy for how well they did. I mean it is pretty amazing for the 6th place team to become the western conference champions.

Work was pretty busy this week. We had a grade 9 grad pretty much every day this week. I'm very tired. for the first time in my life I suspect iron deficiency. We'll see though...

And the biggest news of all: I have my own vehicle for the next little while. The summer anyhow... so I think I am going to spruce it up tomorrow... It needs washing inside and out. It is definately a fixer-upper! But it does run... and once I get the brakes adjusted it will be ready to be my transportation to and from work!

State: tired,but good
Book: While I Was Gone by- Sue Miller

I was really hoping I'd get to see the Flames win the Cup tonight but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I had fun tonight. I went to Kilkenny's to watch the game and that was pretty good. The atmosphere was great, everyone cheering the Flames on loudly.

What was also interesting is that I met my long lost friend Janel's brother David at the bar. He came over and talked to us in between periods. He was very very drunk!!! And him and Jane got into this argument about tapwater, but her arguments made a lot more sense because she was sober. He was funny and said to me at one point after he's been hitting on me for awhile, "Don't be offended, I'd hit on you more if you weren't my sister's friend." I think I would have been more creeped out by him had I not known him since I was like 7 years old. It was entertaining anyhow...

After the flames lost :( , we went to play pool. It was fun, but I found the pool hall had the same sort of atmosphere as the bowling alley I used to go to in Cochrane. And that was kind of creepy or something. It kind of seems wrong to play pool anywhere other than Caitlin's Rec center.

State: Content
Song: Escape- Rupert Holmes
Book: Same as last post...

Okay... so I added Trackbacks for Daley's amusement... and yeah I don't have much else to say at this point! I went to see Harry Potter last night. It was very good, but I think I enjoyed the last two better... I found this one skimmed the surface too much. I was prepared for the fact that I might not like this movie as the third book was my favourite and as I expected I was disappointed.

Anyhow... I should go now.

State: Still tired...
Song: Will we rock you- Queen ( or whatever that song is called!)
Book: Same as last post...