I feeling much better about things as of late. Actually things are looking up. I have an industrial internship lined up for the coming year which is awesome. Awesome because I don't have to make any choices about what courses to take next year.

I still plan on writing a whole big long thesis on my beliefs on spirituality and the like. It might only be after the 29 though. That's right... maybe only once I have had some time to myself in Brooks to actually write it all down. I don't know why I feel the need to write it down, but I do. It is very individual though and I am not wanting to convert anyone to my way of thinking. Actually, that is the last thing I am looking to do. If you happen to agree with what I am saying, great. But this writing on my beliefs will be more just so I can write them down and so other people can understand where I stand. Not that I think that matters much either.

Anyhow... my roommates are bitches and that's all there is to it. How was I supposed to know in September that I would get an internship? There was no way of knowing if I would be here or not next year. Internships aren't easy to get in biosci. I think only 15 people get them a year. It is kind of like winning the lottery, only with better chances. Anyhow, it wasn't my intent to screw them overby only signing my lease until May. But honestly- who signs a lease until September unless they know for sure that they will be staying there the whole summer. I mean, landlords will renew leases if you decided you did want to sublet it for summer and continue to live there throughout the year. So legally I am not bound to pay rent for the summer. I will however be nice and try and rent the room for the summer.

So if anyone that reads this is looking for a place to live in Edmonton for the summer, my room is up for grabs. It is a rather large room, unfurnished. 400$ a month plus phone and cable. They might even let you stay for the school year. They won't be there for the summer so I'm sure the living situation won't be too bad.


Sleep calls.

State: Decent

I had a guilt attack tonight. I'm not sure why. It could be because I am getting nothing in the means of work done. I mean I have a lab exam a week from yesterday (Monday) and I haven't started studying. And there are so many other things I need to do as well.

I hate guilt. Especially when it is undeserved. My family is all about guilt. It's how they want us to live. I guess that's what makes us such good Catholics even though we never go to church.

Fucking guilt. I managed to fight my guilt monster tonight. It wasn't easy, and I don't think the battle is over yet. Anyhow... I don't want to scare anyone. I will ask for help when I need it. I always have. I may not be my happy cheery self for the next little while, but don't be concerned. I need this right now. I need to deal with what I have going on inside right now.

So if you ask me how I am, I'll probably say fine, because any other answer will require a long drawn out explanation. Don't feel bad if I don't explain to you what I am really feeling. In high school, I probably would have willingly shared this information with anyone who'd listen.

I just want everyone to know, I will be fine. I've dealt with worse and I have felt much worse than this in my life. I'm nowhere near rock bottom lows I've hit before. I'm just not nearly as happy as I might have been before. So that that is my story... and now I am going to sleep.

State: Not peachy-keen
Song: Autumn's Here- Hawksley Workman, The Most Depressing Song- The Get Up Kids, Numb- Linkin Park

I feel very overwhelmed right now. I haven't felt this way in quite sometime. I feel like I need to reorganizing. I don't know what I want to do next year. Whether I want to take this job or not. Right now, I feel like I shouldn't. Like it would be a bad idea to uproot myself from Edmonton. The experience, no doubt would be wonderful. But do I want to go and live in Brooks for a year to do it. I have no idea. I'm definitely related to the rest of my family. All of us have problems making decisions.

I have so many decisions to make right now and so much work to do and really all I want to do is crawl into a hole for awhile and I don't know when I would want to come out.

The bottom line is, I don't think I've felt quite like this in a long. And instead of waiting for things to get better, I am going to be proactive and do something about it right away. Because I shouldn't feel like this. And I can't make this many decisions in my state. It just won't happen.

Let the reorganization of my life begin.

State: Like a black hole is swallowing me from the inside out

Wow... it seems like forever ago since last Saturday. It feels like just yesterday that I quickly packed what I could and hopped on the bus down to Calgary so we could drive down to Swift Current the net day. I can't believe a whole week went by already. It was an intense week and even that might be an understatement. Very emotional, but I really didn't expect it to be anything else.

This past week made me really appreciate my family. As dysfunctional as we are, we still all managed to come together this week and support each other through a rough time.I saw family members that I haven't seen since I was 13. It was really nice to catch up with them. I don't get to see my cousins very often anymore now that we are older. I really hope we do stay in touch, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I mean, I have enough trouble staying in touch with my sisters- let alone my cousins.

The funeral was good and I think spending time with family was healing. I didn't have to try and think of something good to say or do. Simply being there, and supporting my other family members was enough. My grandpa lived a good long life to the age of 91 and I am happy that he is now with my grandma.

My other cousins went out to Kareoke and drank the night after the funeral. I guess that is our family's version of a wake. My cousin Kris and I decided not to go and chose to sit in my hotel room and catch up with each other as well which was really nice. We drank "apple juice" in the continental breakfast room and stayed up until 3:30 am with the kareoke bunch. I guess it probably sounds bad that we had fun the night of our grandpa's funeral, but you have to understand we'd already been mourning for days. I think he would have wanted us to have fun.

Anyhow, I'm at my Dad's now, trying to support him because he isn't taking this so well. I think I've moved on from being sad about my grandpa's death, to being really worried about my father.

But I should go to bed... I promise I will write about that list of things that I wanted to write about eventually, but tonight is not the night.

State: Still tired

I just have to say, all of my friends ROCK! Especially Jeanine, who dropped me off chocolate and a card. Jeanine, I love chocolate way more than flowers. Sarah T. and Charles and all of the other people at the Genetics formal, for making me feel normal again.

I'm still sad, but I can hold off on the crying and such until the funeral (which I now know when it is). to go to that funeral, I am going to have to finish my paper tomorrow and do two days of lab work in one day, but I am willing to do it. Not to mention all the classes I am going to miss.

So I am this weird mixture of happy and sad right now. It's like there is two parts of me for the moment. One part of me that is still mourning, and the other part that carries on with life. But I am going to go to bed now... I need my sleep if I am going to write a paper tomorrow.

{edit-11:31 am} - Chad needs to be added to the list of people that rock. He just offered to find virgin females (flies) while I am gone. My friends are amazing :)

I don't know what to do with myself. I tried writing my paper, but I can't think. I tired talking to people but I don't know what to say. Everything seems wrong. I want to cry to let it all out, but little seems to come. I want to phone someone to talk to them, but I don't know what to say. They don't know what to say. I want to see my family. I don't wnat to be here. I want to be with people but at the same time I want to be alone. I don't think i'll try and do more work right now. I need to just let myself go for a bit and not worry about school. I feel so powerless and so guilty for never visiting. Finally... the tears are coming. God, it feels good to cry.

I said I wouldn't post before my paper is done, but this is really important. I just found out this morning that my grandfather died. I'm sad I didn't get to see him before he died, even though he doesn't know who I am anymore. I'm worried about my father and how this might be affecting him and argh I just want to pick and leave and go to Saskatoon, but I can't. Not until I know more. I don't want to do anything anymore... I just want to be there for my family. I hope I know more soon.

State: Sad

Due to hormonal imbalances associated with this time of the month no major decision making will happen until I am more hormonally balanced.

Things I want to post about at a soon to come date:
1) My Philosophy on life/religion
2) Enjoying life in Edmonton again
3) Chronic procrastination

Things I must do before I post about these things:
1) Sleep
2) Spend money I don't have on genetics formal ticket
3) Write my paper (or at least a rough draft for my witchcraft class)

So until then, so long and goodnight :)

State: Good
Song: When I Goosestep- The Shins

And the annual meltdown begins! It is the time of year when Lisa gets to pick her courses and cringe about what the future may bring. Here is my dilemma: I think I want to take this lab course that everyone says is really evil and hard and tells me not to take. Even after hearing how evil and hard it, I still want to take it. Something inside of me tells me I simply have to take this course. I don't know what is compelling me, but something is. Ugh, I wish I had an Urim and Thummim to help me make this decision. But I don't and I have to rely on what my gut tells me, because my gut feeling is usually right. I'm not interested in any of the other LIST C options. And most of the ones I am interested it, conflict- once again with my required courses. If I were looking for omens I am getting mixed messages. The people, which could be leading me off my path, are telling me stay away. The other omens, like me loving the lab and doing well in it, are saying, "Take it... you'll hate but in the end you'll be really happy you took it". I'm leaning toward taking it for any of you who are wondering. There are a few reasons... but I don't want to go into that right now.

So there you have it... that is the whole reason I have gotten nothing done in my school work today. It's still eating me up inside, but I think I'll live.

Song: Bad Day- Something Corporate
State: Conflicted

PS- Good stuff happened today too... climbing was awesome. What a stress reliever! We did bouldering problems... ones that we made up and my partner was awesome, so that made it lots of fun :)

I love spring. I realize Edmonton will most likely have another snowfall before the school year is out, but what is happening right now is very spring like and it makes me think that spring is here. I don't know what it is about spring, I think it is one of my favourite seasons. Spring and fall I guess would be my two favourite seasons. I guess I like them because they both have moderate temperatures, not too hot, and not too cold.

Spring always makes me feel so hopeful about the future, and while I'm walking to school taking it all in, I forget about all my worries for even just a little while. Maybe that is just the extra vitamin D that I am getting because it has been so amazingly sunny. Whatever it is, it feels nice.

Something I realized on one of these walks (I'm sure this isn't the first time I have realized this, but I seem to forget) is that although I have very real physical desires, what I am really looking for is love (or at least deep like to begin with). I think I forget this when my physical desires overrun my emotional desires. I'm looking for a connection (emotional first, physical later). I am confident that I will find the person out there somewhere. I'm not sure when, where or how, but that doesn't matter. I also realized the fact that I know exactly what I want has probably limited me. How you might ask? It limits me, and stops me from exploring completely unexpected and yet plausible possibilities.

Oh and I love climbing. It was amazing tackling stuff that I used to not be able to do. I want my own shoes... I want to climb more. The rush was amazing! I love bouldering too, but climbing the high walls is totally different. Bouldering is great for learning technique, and technique is something that really helps with climbing the high walls.

Sleep calls. Goodnight!

State: Amazing
Song: Anyway- Gavin DeGraw

I shouldn't be posting... but I am. I should be working on the lab report I have due. So last night I ended my four and half year drought. Not in a way I would have expected, and not in a way that was really very satisfying. I mean, it is one thing to have the drought end in a meaningful way, say a huge downpour that lasts for days and days and actually replenishes moisture to the cracked starved ground. But when it ends in a short, meaningless shower that barely produces mud it is sort of anticlimactic. And only leaves one dry and thirsty for more. What I am trying to say, next time I hope a monsoon ends this new dry spell.

State: Pensive
Song: Smoke Baby- Hawksley Workman

Was that me? I can't believe it- I'm capable of flirting :)

State: incredulous
Song: Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene

Yesterday kind of sucked. I was on the verge of tears most of the day because of various stupid reasons, one of which been the absence of my lab manual. I had a splitting headache and do not remember most of what went on in class yesterday. After I took some headache drugs and drank lots of water I seemed to feel better and managed to give a rather good phone interview for an industrial internship position in Brooks. Night class was good, but by the time I got to Safewalk, I didn't know what day it was.

When I got home from Safewalk, I found an e-mail that contained the most wonderful news I've had since Monday. My precious lab manual has been located. It is now back in my hands and I hope it never leave me again.

I hear back from the lady tomorrow about the lab job. I think I will take it if I get it. Experience is everything in my line of work. It doesn't matter what your marks are, if you don't have experience and someone else does they are more likely to get the position. I know, because I have no experience at this point.

Anyhow... on to the whole reason why I am posting. I'm looking for some new music to listen to. What I'd like people to do is post (in the comments for this post) new music (stuff I haven't mentioned) that you'd think I'd like. Or you can just post what your favourite songs are or albums or anything to do with music.

State: Procrastination makes nothing happen

I was way too tired to put any sort of post together last night so I figure now is as good a time as any. Actually, I'm still kind of tired and sort of out of it so yeah...

Anyhow, on with the story. I started leg two of my coast to coast journey last Tuesday. Our flight was late leaving Calgary due to some child that was too scared to fly and therefore they had to remove their bags. I honestly didn't care because I had a four hour layover in Toronto. Yes, you saw right- 4 hours. Honestly, I don't know why I stayed in the secure part of the airport (in Terminal 3) because as I quickly found out, although terminal three is rather large, it contains very little in the way of stores/eating places. Not compared to the much smaller secure area of the Calgary airport which happens to have a decent sized food court and a pointless moving sidewalk. At least the airport had lots of those to play on... lol. All and all it was a most wonderful airport to get a lot of work done in. I have almost finished all of my reading for the term in my witchcraft class. That would be two 200 page books worth of reading. It is amazing what you can get accomplished in airports.

I think my flight leaving Toronto was late too. I forget why- something to do with the crew not being there fast enough. Anyhow... we weren't too late and made up a good half hour in lateness. I met a nice guy on the plane from Halifax who was visiting his girlfriend in Toronto. He was quite interesting and we shared a common love for Calgary. He is the first person not native to Calgary that I have met that found it easy to find his way around. He also found Edmonton confusing which I think I did too when I first moved here.

So we got into Halifax at 10:40 pm and I think we stayed up until 3:30 pm chatting. It was nice to visit. But we only got up at noon because of this. I have a theory that I kind of lived on Alberta time the whole time I was there.

The next day we made our way downtown to the Maritime Museum where I learned all about the Halifax explosion. Call me sheltered but I didn't know that in 1917 Halifax was the site of largest man made explosion before Hiroshima.This site has more info on the explosion and the damaged caused by it.

That night we had a gathering of people with Jane's friends. This was the night that I got accused of having fake ID at the liquor store. He said it looked fake because of the way the birthday is raised. I told him it was a security feature, but apparently that wasn't in the book.

So we sat around told jokes, socialized and read really bad erotica. I didn't think anything could be worse than Harlequin, but the best of 1993 Erotica managed to beat it. Apparently, 1993 wasn't a good year for erotica.

The next day we went out on the bus to York Redoubt. It was pretty cool. Very fortified and lots of cannons. It was also cool that we could take the bus out to somewhere that remote. That night we went over to Eric's house and played Settlers of Catan. I won, or at least I think I did. Only after I got people off my back at the beginning and laid low until toward the end.

Friday, we toured around the country side to see the sites. Only the sites were a little hard to see in the blizzard. We went to Peggy's Cove which looked like the picture except grey and blizardy. I have to say it was really fun seeing the sites at a time when most people don't see them. We saw a few more beaches, had some warm drinks at the bakery in a small place that wasn't peggy's cove and went back to Halifax. That night, we could have gone to a party, but he decided to just hang out at home and Jane and Craig did homework... for a bit and then we played Wizard. After a bit, just before Jane's friends came over at 2:00 am we finished off the rum I bought with my "fake" ID (Jane ate her rum in apple sauce) and then we socialized for a bit- until like 3:30 am and went to bed.

I woke everyone up at 10:30 the next day, in an effort to actually get to the farmer's market before it closed. We got there before it closed, but not much before. I bought 3 pounds of Mac apples for 2$ and some fudge. Then we took a tour of the Keith's Brewery. The tour was actually kind of cute. For a virtual tour, just click on the brewery button and take the virtual tour. Then we wandered around downtown and I found a place that sells Yerba Maté tea.

Early Sunday morning (4:55 am) I boarded the Airbus to the airport and left Halifax late at 8:00 am. It didn't matter because our plane was late coming in from Cuba so my flight to Calgary was delayed.

Got back to Edmonton last night... and now I am really really really tired. But must do homework. So... I guess I will go make dinner now:)

State: Very Tired
Song: Farewell To Nova Scotia

So I figured that while I am up late doing laundry for part two of my Coast to Coast TREK, I would give a little run down of how part one of the trip (the Pacific coast)went!

I arrived in Victoria at approximately 1:00 pm on Friday afternoon. It was sunny and warm (+10C) and my winter jacket was quickly thrown to the back seat of the car and later hung up and forgotten for the remainder of the trip. The weather for the whole weekend was simply amazing! Of all the times I have been to Victoria during a reading break, I don't think it has ever been that nice. Not a cloud was seen in the sky for the whole 4 days. And those of you who know Victoria, know that this is a feat unto itself.

On Friday, we went out for really good sushi and then tried to see Leeroy Stagger play at Lucky Bar, but alas the opening band only started playing at 11 and they were horrible and there was still another band to come on before Leeroy, so one of Lindsay's friends bought both of his albums and we left and listened to him on the way home in the car.

On Saturday, I forced Lindsay to get up early so that we could go have breakfast in Victoria with other Lindsay (we will call her Linds for the sake of not confusing you) and Michael. The food was awesome- Blue Fox Cafe, I highly recommend it. But the service was kind of slow. Oh well, it was all worth it when we got our French toast topped with fruit and cream cheese sauce... mmmm. Then we drove back to Duncan and went out to dinner with Erin and Alan(Lindsay's boy). Dinner was good... Then we watched Troy which may not be true to the story, but we highly enjoyable if only for its hot man factor. Mmmmm Brad Pitt wearing next to nothing. What more can I say? Then we had a good long chat about sex (something I miss a lot not having Lindsay around) and ended up going to bed around 2 in the morning.

Sunday, we tried to sleep in. I succeeded, Lindsay didn't. Later, we went hiking in The East Sooke Regional Park. I believe we did the Coast Trail. It was absolutely breathtaking! We even saw a seal bathing in the sun on the rocks. After the hike, we made some delicious supper and then decided we wanted to use up the bananas in banana bread and muffins. I made the bread and she made the muffins. While the muffins were baking, we fixed my Dairy Queen deprivation and went home to finish our baking. By the time our baking was done it was time to for bed.

Monday, Lindsay brought me to the airport for my flight that was going to leave at 1:15 pm. So I got to the airport at 12:15. Only our flight didn't leave until 4:30, a good 3h 15min late. This was due to the weather in Toronto. Which makes me a little concerned about my flight tomorrow being on time. Anyhow... I should go check on my laundry. Until at least 5 days from now...

State: Tired

Okay I did something totally out of character and what I consider to be something really stupid last night. But as of right now, I don't regret a moment of my time not spent studying. Why? Because I feel so much more focused now. I'm not sure if it is focus so much as panic but I'll take what I can get. The truth of the matter is I've studied more for more exam from about 1:00 am until now than I have all week for my midterm. And at the rate I was going, I wasn't going to study at all. And that would have been really horrible.

So you are probably all wondering what this stupid thing Lisa did was? Well, if you really want to know. After having a particularly horrible horrible lab where I ended up counting a whole vial of flies TWICE, I decided, why not go out for a beer after my lab? The thing is... one beer turned into well seeing as only four of us went out after the lab and only three of us were drinking beer and three pitchers were bought and drank over the course of 3 hours... one beer turned into a pitcher. It was only when I was walking home (stumbled, whatever) that I noticed the drunkenness truly set in. It is funny, because the last time I was as drunk as I was last night was the night I went out with Jane and Eric and could barely walk home. Beer seems to have that effect on me. Moral of the story, if you want to see me drunk, don't give me tequila. Give me 3 pints of beer or a pitcher. I have to drink a lot more tequila to get to the same place. And I love the fact I feel very little hangover after drinking beer. Yay water content :)We decided that we should plan to go out on the Friday after our next lab, to be a little more responsible and so more people come. And we were thinking of inviting the thurs/fri lab too because they would be done their lab too.

And it was really nice to sit and talk about my field about people who are equally passionate. And I didn't feel like a big nerd or geek or like I was only talking about one thing all night. We talked about more than just genetics. We talked about our families, experiences etc. Apparently there are people in the other lab that come to lab stoned. Honestly, I have no clue how they could do one of our labs high, not to mention how dangerous that would be. I mean we work with HIGHLY mutagenic substances. I mean they would have to be to do the cool things they do to DNA. Sometimes, I can barely keep everything straight when I am sober. Then again, my results are half decent whereas theirs probably suck. So these are the things you learn when you go out for beer with the TA.

But I feel much more sober now that I have had a three hour nap. I've also studied a good hour of witchcraft and I am planning on going early tomorrow and studying more. (we'll see, depends on how fast I fall asleep) It is funny how doing something fun the night before a midterm makes you feel all focused and ready to study for it. Anyhow... I am going to sleep again for a little while and get up and study more.

Mood: pretty good right now
Song: Virus of the Mind- Heather Nova

An interesting concept and because everyone else has: (I choose to be a sheep this time)

*******If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened.

Then post this in your journal. See what people remember about you...********

Obviously stuff is bothering me. I know because I generally have trouble focusing when stuff bothers me. Like today... I think I studied for an hour. That's not very much considering I have two midterms next week.

If I could afford it, I'd move out on my own next year. I don't know there are things I like and don't like about living here. I mostly only like the fact that I am close and I probably could sublet my place for the summer. I really hate moving every year. My roommates aren't people I could ever be friends with. They are very shallow and all at one point have done things that I have't liked. Mainly, they are often inconsiderate of the fact that there is a main floor bedroom by the kitchen. And none of them wanted to take it- I understand why Becky and Lindsay didn't. But Di says she is a light sleeper... but she is the one who is often up late in the living room, she is the one who has people over late in the living room. And she is usually up before the rest of us anyways. I don't know... out of all of us it would make the most sense for her to have the kitchen room. I like my room and it would be fine with you know, considerate roommates who don't have kitchen parties the night before exams and such. Or living room gatherings with drinking on Sunday nights. Honestly, this will sounds a little anal of me, but I think it would almost be common sense to you know, be quiet by about 12:00 am on a Sunday night.

I am almost considering asking Rachel if she has any spots free in the house she might be getting. At least I'd know that there wouldn't be any Sunday night drunk fests. I mean, sure I'd have to take the bus to school, but I'd almost rather do that then live here another year. I don't know... I'm just considering not living here next year.

Di is really the only person I can't stand. I never thought I'd meet a person that was so loud. And you can imagine I felt like screaming one morning when she told me I was being noisy. I felt like saying, you've obviously never heard how much noise you make in the morning. We are polar opposites. I'm annoyed by almost everything about her. She was mad we made a cleaning schedule. What she wanted to keep doing what we did last term, where Becky and I clean all the time, you clean once or twice and Lindsay doesn't clean at all? Becky and I were like I don't think so. I mean, we don't have to go in order as long as everyone cleans once a month. I'm going this weekend. I mean she can do a couple of weekends in a row when field hockey is over. I know she doesn't like me. Well, I don't like her either. Oh and another thing I hate about her- is how she always thinks she is right. Or how she thinks I am the person that scratches up her pans. I rarely use the pan that is all scratched up. And she always makes a point of being, "Oh my poor pan... its all scratched, people need to stop using metal on this or I'd going to put them away." Newsflash: even really expensive non-stick pans wear-out eventually. Even if you only use teflon on them, friction is friction and we are using them 4 times as much as she was on her own. Four times as much as a normal family would, because you tend to cook only one meal for a family and we each cook four.

So I guess I have ranted enough about my roommates... I guess if I left it would be because of Di. I mean, I'll never be friends with Becky or Lindsay but they don't get on my nerves. And they are both considerate most of the time.

I think the fact that I don't have a job yet for the summer sucks too. I hate that. Ugh... I really need to go to bed. It feels good to rant about something that has been bothering me for awhile.

State: Under the weather

Since the theme of this semester has been PROCRASTINATION... I figured I should write in my blog before studying for my genetics midterm.

Biggest pet peeve for the day: people who don't care to listen. I know I have been guilty of this too, especially when I am deep in concentration about other things or I am doing something that requires deep concentration, but I usually ask the person to repeat themselves because I do care what they are saying. I'm talking about when you are having a conversation with a group of people, and as soon as you start talking it seems like everyone kind of stops listening and then the conversation moves on as if you never said anything. I'm sure I've done it too, and if I have done it to anyone that reads this, I am truly sorry, because I do really hate it. I also hate that I could be guilty of such a thing. I think the only solution, in my case, is to spend less time with these types of people and be conscious enough not to do it myself.

I had a horrible sleep last night. Horrible. I think I maybe slept for 4 hours. I had weird dreams about my lab and missing safewalk because I was at a play and they made me take my shoes off and the play was horrible and we wanted to leave during intermission, but they would give us back our shoes. I just made myself two Chai lattes. They were both really good. But I noticed that I have to use two tea bags of my crappy tetley Chai tea to get it to taste the same as the wonderful loose Chai I bought at Steeps. Their Chai is amazing...

I was going to post something, but I'm too many things right now. Feeling to many things that is to be coherent. I'm tired, annoyed at my stupid "How to think about Weird things" book, frustrated in more than one way, happy, panicked, etc. You get the picture. I'm probably just tired. I'm in need of a good cuddle. I think I'll go cuddle with bear and minou now... aka go to sleep.

State: See above