Wow... I overreacted just a little. But I talked it through with him, so hopefully things get better. It is hard to stay mad or upset at him because he is always so happy to hear from me on the phone. So I forget all of my worries of him not liking me any more when I talk to him on the phone. I'm coming to Calgary anyways, because I have some books to return so if anyone wants to do anything, I'm in town.

State: Much better

I never thought this long distance thing would be so hard. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. I'm starting to think that I might have to break it off if it doesn't get any better because I can't live like this. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go back to being lonely, than to be with someone and never actually be with them. Maybe the reason why this upsets me so much is because I like him so much. Sometimes I don't know why, but I guess I can't help the way I feel.

I need to tell him how I feel, because it isn't going to get any better if he doesn't know. I think it would help if I heard from him more- but honestly if he can't do that I think I'd going to have to end it. Is it wrong to want to hear from him every other day? I don't think it is because we hardly see each other as it is. Maybe he just doesn't like me as much as I like him, but if that is the case,I wouldn't want to stay with him. I've been there and done that and it never turns out nice.

Maybe I'm so sad because I feel like its over already, before I've even tried to work things out with him. As far as I know, he doesn't know there is a problem. he wouldn't, because I haven't talked to him in a week. Anyhow, I should go get ready for work. I may or may not go to Calgary this weekend. I haven't decided yet.

State: Emotional Wreck.
Song: You wouldn't like me- Tegan and Sara

I had a good weekend, but it left me thinking about some not so good things. Things that make me sad.

What would happen if one liked some one a lot, but didn't like a particular attitude that this person possessed. The attitude isn't present most of the time, but only around others that possess the same attitude.

It makes me sad, because it is something I am very against and I have never been in the position where I like someone who possesses this attitude. I thought it would be a total turn-off, but for some reason it isn't. Maybe I don't want to believe that they would think the things they think... maybe I am blinded by the fact that I like them so much.

Part of me thinks I should end it, before it gets harder to do so. Another part of me, wants to wait it out. I already feel like it would tear my heart apart if I broke up with him. But if this is a large part of who he is, I don't know if I can be with him. It is pretty much the only thing we don't have in common. Ugh... It kills me really. I don't think it is something that can be changed, although I would love to. I also don't believe in trying to change a person. If they change out of their own free will, fine... but trying to change someone- it seems wrong to me.

Anyhow... I guess I'll just have to think about this. And I think I need to tell him that it bothers me, and if that is the end, then so be it. I don't want this to be the end... but if it has to be, it will be.

State: Conflicted

Wow... I haven't posted in awhile. I guess I haven't felt like it. Mostly my life involves working, eating and sleeping... and relaxing on my days off. I was supposed to go to Edmonton this weekend to see Ryan, but his shifts got changed and he ended up working for most of the weekend so I decided against it. I'm seeing him next weekend so that is good, because it has been entirely too long. Especially because for awhile there our work schedules made it so we couldn't talk to each other on the phone.

I got my copy of the new Harry Potter yesterday and have not been able to put it down. It is soooo good. It is like a drug I just can't get enough of. That is the only good thing that has come out of me not being able to see Ryan. I have gotten to read Harry.

My dad bought me a car. It is pretty nice. It's a 1991 Toyota Tercel, white with blue interior and the most awesome sounds system. I mean I didn't expect to get a car with anything more than a tape deck so this was a great surprise. Hopefully it passes the inspection tomorrow.

Anyhow... I should be off to bed. These crazy work hours (5 am to 3 pm) make me tired early.

State: Missing Ryan/Loving Harry

Wow... it has been awhile since my last post. I guess I just haven't felt like posting lately.

I've gone back to work for all of you who didn't know. Some people don't think I should ever go back, but I figured I'd give it a try before making any decisions. That trial week was last week, and it went well so I think I will be sticking with it. I like my roommates and my co-workers and I think I would forever regret giving up the opportunity to get this kind of experience. And I didn't feel nearly as paranoid (about getting sick)when I was working as I did before I started working.

I didn't do much this weekend except spend lots of money on scrapbooking stuff. Yes, I have taken up scrapbooking. It is my hobby for the next little while because honestly, in a town the size of Brooks you need a hooby to keep you sane. Most people take up drinking, I decided scrapbooking would probably be better for my health. Ryan thinks I should find a better hobby, but honestly I don't care what he thinks, he won't be around when I am making my pictures pretty so it doesn't matter :)I'm starting with the band trip to Mexico... because I figured I should start relatively small before I jump into doing my Europe pictures.

I have tomorrow off as well and then I go back to work. I haven't decided what I am going to do today yet... but I'm sure I'll find something. Oh yeah- I'm thinking of taking an anthro course during my year off- so I have one less course to worry about taking. I think the one I found was called Archeology of the Ancient World. It sounded pretty interesting. Anyhow... I should go get my day started. Until next time...

Song: Like a prayer- Madonna
State: good good

I had a most wonderful weekend, it was hard to leave Edmonton. I've kind of turned into a hermit here in Calgary. I mean, I don't phone anyone, no one phones me(and honestly, I really don't expect them to). So essentially my social life consists of going out with my mom. Which I am fine with mostly... but I think I want to see my friends before I head back to work so I think I will have to pick up the phone and call them, and end my hermitdom.

I want to head back to work as soon as I can... I'm getting pretty bored here. I think I might go to the Library tomorrow and see if I can pick up some books to read. I bought a Discover magazine today... it is pretty interesting. It's funny, I think I must have picked the right field to go into because I can never get enough of reading about the new scientific discoveries. I study science all school year and yet I cannot stop myself from picking up science related material during the summer.

Right now I'm just looking at the food network website, looking for something fun to cook for supper tomorrow. But I really should go to bed soon...so I think I will.

State: Bored...by my own fault

So I'm back in E-town and it seems a bit surreal. I mean I feel like it was just yesterday that I was here finishing up classes... and at the same time it feels like forever. A bit hard to explain really. Part of me has become fond of the city, more than I could have imagined because at first glance I didn't really like Edmonton. I think I started to like it when I started thinking about all the good memories I have made here. I mean I still stand by Edmonton not being much on its own. Its not one of those cities you fall in love with at first sight, not like say Paris or Montreal. It's one of those cities that takes a little getting to know before you truly appreciate its nuances. I'll admit, I haven't gotten to know much of Edmonton- really only the university area and I'm starting to see more of the downtown area.

For some reason, I love the university and all of its ugly and beautiful bits. My favourite building has to be one of the ugliest on campus, but it is dear to my heart because it is where I do what I love most on campus. And what would that be? Work in the lab of course!

I love the Powerplant, because I have never had a bad time there. And I love RATT because it allows me to fake a requirement I have for any city I live in. And what requirement is that? To be able to go to a point in the city and look a large portion of it from above. Usually this requirement is fulfilled by a hill like it is numerous times over in Calgary, but Edmonton lacks hills so RATT will do I guess.

I love Pharos Pizza... and countless other Edmonton only restaurants that I have been craving food from since getting better ( or since I started to eat real food). I actually had fantasies in the hospital about Pharos Pizza. Full out, very vivid I thought I was eating pizza until I opened my eyes- fantasies. That was right before they upped my diet to full fluids (aka- pureed food)... at least full fluids was somewhat filling.

Last but not least I have met some of the most amazing people here in Edmonton, people I will not soon forget. They are the main reason I am kind of sad to be doing an internship for a year. I really will miss them.

Anyhow... I think I've killed enough time doing this, so I'll write an update when I get home from the capital.

State: Little tired from the travelling, but not bad.

I'm off to Edmonton for the weekend. I'm so excited! I went to the doctor today and I am doing better according to my blood work. This is good :) But according to the doctor I am still not well enough to go to work. I feel a lot better, but I still get tired really easy. But I'm not taking an afternoon nap anymore so that is good!

Anyhow... I have to go eat lunch so I can catch my bus downtown and Red Arrow myself to Edmonton.

State: good

P.S- Jeanine I promise that my next post I will discuss my musical tastes... no time right now :)

This weekend was the best weekend I have had in quite some time. Ryan came down from Edmonton which was really nice. We met at the Zoo on Saturday and we walked around for about 3 hours before we both got tired and decided we wanted to head somewhere for food. We ended up at the Rose and Crown on 17th ave. where we had some exellent pub food. By this time, I was pretty tired because I hadn't taken my afternoon nap, so we headed back to my place and took a nap for a bit (okay 3 hours). Then we played some scabble, watched a little TV and since I was falling asleep went to bed around 11.

Sunday, was spent a little more leisurely sleeping in and then just going to the mall to wander around. I found a cute top that was on for 50% off so I couldn't resist. I also bought Settler's of Catan because I really like playing that game and Craig left his in Newfoundland and so I decided we needed one to play while I recuperate. Ryan left to return home around 5 pm, but it won't be as long before I see him again as I am going up to Edmonton next weekend.

Anyhow...I think I am going to get dressed and maybe go for a walk in the rain.

State: Pretty good

I woke up this morning, and for the first time in a long time I felt well rested and not tired. If only this feeling would last all day.

Update on the state of my health: I'm starting to feel better. I mean I'm still tired a lot of the time- usually toward the end of the day where I have to fight to stay up to my self enforced 9 pm bedtime. I sleep usually about 10-11 hours a night. I usually have a 2 hour nap sometime during the day. So obviously, seeing how much I sleep I am not completely healthy yet. But being anemic and have mono at the same time will make you tired. I have a feeling I would already be feeling much better if it weren't for the mono.

Yesterday, I went to Brooks to pick up some clothes seeing as I am going to be here for awhile. That's right for all of you who are worried about seeing me before I head back to Brooks- don't worry. I won't be going back to work anytime soon. Not until I have enough energy to be on my feet for at least 8 hours. I got my birthday present from Lindsay and that was nice. I know certain people who are really going to like Lindsay, even though they haven't met her yet.

In other news, if I continue to improve, I think I am going to make a trip up to Edmonton to see Ryan next weekend. But that is only if I feel pretty good. I mean I don't want to get myself sicker with travel. I'm excited and I think it is good to have a goal for getting better.

Tomorrow, I get to go for my first blood tests since having them everyday when I was in the hospital. How exciting! I actually am excited for Thursday, when I find out if this feeling better is because my hemoglobin levels have gone up. I hope they have.

Sorry, if all I talk about is getting better. Honestly, my life is pretty boring. I sit at home watching movies and walking around "to get my strenght back". I eat, sleep and have no social life. That is really what is killing me. I'm a social being, and I have been deprived of socialization. That hopefully will stop soon. I guess I'll have to change my bedtime if I want more of a social life. OR con people into seeing me in the morning, when I have lots of energy. Either or.

Anyhow...that's all for now.

State: Getting better

I'm sick of being sick. Sure I'm home from the hospital but only because I am not sick enough for them to keep me there anymore. I mean I still don't feel like myself again. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again.

I don't know how people deal with having cancer. I feel so weak(in mind/soul) compared to them. I'm sitting here, crying, thinking poor me and there are people that are suffering far worse than I in the world. Yet, thinking about them, still doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel like a horrible person for still feeling the way that I do. I feel so isolated. I haven't seen any of my friends since I have been back because of being too sick. Honestly, I'd give anything to be well enough to see one of my friends right now. It was so great to talk to Craig on the phone last night. Finally, I felt like I was connecting with someone outside my immediate family. On the note of family- they have been great through this whole ordeal. I saw my aunt that I rarely see, my sister and nephew, my Dad and Carol. Really it is amazing how you don't see family until something bad happens.

One thing, although I am feeling lonely, bored, restless, being sick has given me a greater appreciation for life.

I'm going to Brooks tomorrow to pick up some more clothing. Not that it will fit me properly. I'm 12 pounds lighter than I was when I went into the hospital. The funny things is, everything still fits me around the waist. It is just too big elsewhere. Actually, in all honesty, my clothing (except for my jeans) fits me better than it did before I got sick. My jeans are really baggy and they aren't supposed to fit like that.

Anyhow, I think that it enough complaining/ranting for today. I'll probably post again tomorrow. Or maybe not. We'll see. My snack calls so bye for now.

So I'm still alive. But I just spent from about the last time I posted until yesterday in the hospital in Calgary. I ended up with the complications that can arise with the E. coli infection. Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome to be exact. That is why I was so bloated. But now I am not. I weigh 10 pounds less than what I did before I got this which makes a lot more sense. Seeing as you know, I didn't eat for a week and a bit.

In the hospital, while I did get better, those doctors and their drugs managed to give me the symptoms of Parkinson's Disease. They are going away now that I am off the drug, but I still can't type very fast.

To top it all off, I ended up with mono. That is what I am fighting right now. Why am I up so early? Because I go to bed at like 8:30 pm because I am so tired all the time. Luckily, the mono hasn't given me much of a sore throat (knock on wood)so I am still able to eat.

Thanks to those of you who commented while I was in the hospital. I checked my e-mail when I could, but I never really had anything and that was kind of sad. I would have sent out some sort of mass e-mail, saying hey I'm sick- leave me messages because the hospital is lonely, but I was too tired. And I am am finally getting tired again, so I will leave this post at this and hope to hear from you all at some point. I'm still in Calgary, so just give me a call at my mom's. I might not feel like talking much, but it is the thought that counts.

State: Tired

So I'm alive. Not that anyone was concerned that I was dead, I mean people usually don't assume the worst when someone hasn't posted on here for awhile. Well, I'm not dead- but I could have been. Some of you who don't know are probably asking yourself-what? Could have been dead? Hold your horses and let me explain.

My first week of work went fine. They didn't let us do anything really because they wanted us to get used to the lab environment before they start letting us work with samples all the time. I came home for Mother's day and on Saturday I started to feel sick. I thought it might have been from the Denny's I had that morning, but really there wouldn't have been enough time for any of the food to make me that sick. The next day I started to feel a little better, but not for long. By 9 pm that evening, I felt more horrible than I had before. I took some advil and when to sleep. I woke up about 3 hours later with violent cramping and diarrhea. I wasn't going to go to work, but my roommate (and co-worker)was going and she said she felt sick too. So I drove us to work for our 5 am start time. We both lasted an hour before we had to go home. I drove us to IGA, we bought sick food (gatorade and chicken soup) and I went home and lay down on my bed only getting up to go to the bathroom. The cramping was becoming unbearable. Then, around 10 am I noticed I was bleeding from somewhere one should never bleed. That is when I told my roommate, that I wanted her to drive me to the hospital, because at this point the cramping was so bad I could barely speak.

We got to emergency, and I could barely tell the nurse what was wrong. She told me, "I don't read hands." and finally she directed me to admitting. I got my papers and was sent back to the mean emergency nurse and was able to tell her what was wrong. I was fairly certain at this point that I knew what I had. But they have to test all posibilities. I waited a relatively short time (3 hours- which if you have ever been to emerg, is pretty short) before I saw a doctor. They promply hooked me up to an IV, asked me to give a stool sample and whisked me off to the private room where I would spend the next five days in isolation. Isolation meaning that I wasn't allowed to leave my room.I couldn't even phone my parents long distance to tell them I was in hospital. But my boss fixed that and gave me the company phone for the week. This wasn't so bad at the begining, where I didn't feel like leaving my bed at all. But when I started to feel a little better I felt trapped.

So what did they find I had? E. coli 0157. One of the bacteria that we test for in the lab I work in. I was pretty sure based on my symptoms that this is what I had. What is more is that a day later, my roommate was hospitalized for the same thing. We think that we got it at work- even though we never touched incubated samples. We think that we might have picked it up sorting the samples that we sign in when they come from the plant. It only takes 1-5 cells to cause the infection. If you want to learn more about E. coli 0157 go here. It has a lot of good info.

Now I am in Calgary, recovering. I don't know when I will go back to work. When I can eat a decent amount of solid food and don't feel so weak I guess. I'm very bloated right now. I think it might be from being on IV for 5 days staight. I gained 15 pounds in water. Well it has to be water, because I was on the liquid diet and I could barely keep that down half the time.

I'm sad I got sick, mostly because I was supposed to go up to see Ryan in Innisfail this weekend for his birthday. I miss him a lot, but really I wouldn't be much fun this weekend. If I am feeling better, I might go up next weekend.

Anyhow, we have internet at my place now, so pretty soon I will be able to post a little more regularly.

I get tired really easily, so I think I am going to get off the computer. So hopefully, the next time I post I am in much better health. Perhaps I will post when I can eat pizza again.

State: I don't feel like death anymore

This is just a quick note to say- I'm in Brooks now. I'm working. I'm coming to Calgary tomorrow night. I get internet on the 10th. Perhaps a bigger update when I get to Calgary... Oh things are going good just- I just have crappy dial up internet so I won't be posting for awhile.

I managed to pull off the mark I needed in physiology (B+) to get my 3.5 and get on the dean's list so that made me happy. I'm must have really pleased the physiology gods with my 13 hour homage/sacrifice to them. I studied from 11am to 1 am the night before that exam. I made up for never once opening my book during the course of the semester. Take that year long horrible, awful useless course that I don't remember anything from!

State: tired, but good

Since I've already manically checked for a mark that probably won't get posted, I figured I would make a post. That and I am sick of studying the GIT.

I'm excited for this internship. I'm kind of scared too. I mean what if I'm horrible? I always seem to have this huge fear of failing. It is almost a phobia because most of the time it is completely ridiculus. I mean I don't mean to say- hmmm I think I did bad and then proceed to do really well. I guess that is a lack of confidence in my abilities. I really shouldn't doubt myself so much. I mean, I have proven to myself time and time again that I am capable of doing things and yet I never have a very good idea of whether I've done well or not. woah... that was rambly.

Last night was good. I was sick of studying physiology (then again, when am I not?)so Ryan came over and we went for a walk to steeps and got some tea. It was nice to just sit and chat over a cup of tea. I had strawberry and cream Rooibos and he had vanilla bourbon black tea. I'm going to miss him when I am gone to Brooks. We decided to try the long distance thing out though. We both work shift work so we will both be getting longish strings of days off in a row. Which means I probably won't spend many of my days off in Brooks, but I never planned to anyways. This is the first time in my life I have met a guy I immediately felt so comfortable with. And it is really nice. It was like when I met Lindsay, except with physical attraction as well.

I can't wait until Thursday, when I will be done once and for all the horribleness that is PHYSIOLOGY! And then I will pack all day and go out to a BBQ in Hawrelak park and then to Jay's multiday party. The next day all my stuff will be moved out into the moving truck and the day after that I will on the road headed down to Brooks.

I'll be living in a trailer, so you can make fun of me and call me trailer trash if you want for a whole year!!! But hey- my room has its own bathroom so that isn't half bad. Apparently the paint is ugly, but they said that they would fix that. Or I can on my first set of days off. I think I shall go watch the amazing race while I try and learn about the liver.

State: wanting to gouge my eyes out with dissecting forceps because physiology is so boring.
Song: London Rain- Heather Nova

It is going to take a lot of will power for me to study hard for this physiology exam I have a week from yesterday. I hate physiology. It's all just crappy memorization. That's why I like genetics. it started out by being problem solving, which I love. Then in second year (270 and 275) turned out to be a little more memorization based. Third year we still have to memorize, but it is almost back to that problem solving based questions again. And that is what I like. I'm good at it, it is something that is intuitive for me now. I guess you could say I think like a geneticist. And you'll see that trend in my marks too. I just got the first two A's I've had since I got a 9 in first year in biology 107. And that makes me happier than you can imagine. Who really cares that my other marks are a lot lower. I broke my B+ rut. Not that it was really a rut, because B+'s are really good.

In other news, I found a place to live in Brooks. I'll be living with the other student that is going down there. The rent is kind of high, but rent is ridiculus in Brooks and it is about what I would be paying on my own, except that on my own I would be resposible for paying bills and stuff and she is just going to include everything. whoa- that was a really poorly written sentence. Meh... I guess that is why I got a B in witchcraft. I think I'm probably going to be able to move my stuff with hers. Which is awesome because we were having trouble trying to find a vehicle that isn't too big to move all my stuff.

Anyhow... I think I will crack down on this thing called physiology. I need to get a good mark in that class because it counts for two. Stupid physiology is going to be the death of me. Die physiology! Die!

State: Don't want to study, but will force myself to

Why have I not started to panic like I usually do? I haven't even started studying for population genetics and I'm only gone through almost everything in 302 once. I want to panic. I need to panic. Panic dammit. Panic works. To an extent. I need to panic enough to do something I hate, which is study.

Okay... I think it is starting to work :) Yay!

State: Pre-panic, Ideal for studying

Because it has been awhile, I've updated the quote on my blog. I guess that one sums up more how I feel right now even though I did decide to stick with the Garden State theme.

Anyhow, I have to get back to studying boundary elements, which have become the new bane of my existance.

State: Can't wait for tonight

And the study hermitage begins! As much as I don't want it to. For those of you who know what I am like around exams (Daley) you'll note the hermitage has started later this year. And although I really want to go out tonight, I think I will just have a quiet evening at home after my Safewalk shift.Some alone time you might say. I haven't been getting much alone time lately and I think it will be nice. As much as that will disappoint certain people, I need to get to bed early tonight and um focus.

Obviously, I won't be able to turn myself into a complete study hermit like I normally do, I've already planned out in my mind how that will work. I don't do a whole lot of studying past nine most nights, so this time will be available to spend with people (Namely, Ryan). As long as I am in bed (sleeping) by 12 pm. Now I may sound like my own study nazi... but it is for my own good in the long run. And on that note, off to my books. It is so nice only having to concentrate on two classes for the time being. (That is about my max that I can concentrate on at once)But like I said, I have 5 topic in one class to get through and a third of the course for the other class to get through.

State: Kind of excited about studying (I know I won't feel like this later)
Song: Random Classical