Post Number 350

I'm getting really bad for not blogging. Mostly because I had been really busy and something's got to give. I was thinking that would do some huge update to say how my life has been up until now but part of me doesn't really feel like it. Really it isn't that fascinating... or at least I don't think so.

So I officially hate the curve... and finally have been bitten in the ass by it. 0.5 of a % away from a B+. Ugh... officially (or unofficially as it is right now) my lowest mark in a genetics course to date. And it is stupid because there is no spread in the class (our highest mark was 80%, most people getting the class average which is 62%) and somehow they have to hand out a variety of grades. I highly don't recommend it, to any0ne who might be thinking of taking human genetics for fun not to. It is a 4th year survey course of the worse kind- the kind where you really leave it knowing as much as you did when you started and wonder why you wasted your money taking a course that didn't teach you anything new. I learned more in my physiology course I didn't study for until the final. And that is saying something.

Anyhow... I'm off to get my hair cut- it really needs it after almost a whole year of growing.

Dead End or Existential Crisis?

I'm having another- 'why am I here and what am I doing with my life?' crisis. A couple of days or weeks ago, I started to feel mediocre and that my life is going nowhere. I feel like I am at a dead end and I don't know what I am going to do.

I honestly can't bring myself to write much more right now, because I am falling asleep and I want to go to bed.

I just hope I'll see a sign. Something to tell me I am on the right path.

Sicker than a Dog

My body seems to like to quit on me when I least want it to. I have so much due in the next few days and I feel like my head is going to explode. Yesterday, I didn't move off the couch. Today, I got slightly more done, but still not that much considering what is still left.

Is my body trying to tell me something? Ugh... I don't need a lesson right now. I need a mind that can process things and energy to work.

Why?

My First Post in My New Hobby Blog

I have finally made my first post in my new food blog. The only thing it doesn't have but needs is pictures. But alas my camera's batteries were dead and I was hungry and said meal that I talk about in the entry was devoured.

The address is: http://tequilalimes.blogspot.com/. And it is also a link in the "Links" section of this page!

Check it out!

g'night!

Why was I so scared?

So I finally did something I should have a long time ago: I told someone I care about exactly how I was feeling. It wasn't easy... it just sort of came out. I tried to bring it into the conversation, but it is hard to talk seriously with someone that that likes to joke about things. And then I got frustrated and started to cry. I think the fear of sharing these feelings comes from times in the past where I completely opened up and got really hurt. I was scared of it happening again, but it didn't. So my goal is to get over this fear completely and free myself from emotional constipation.

Anyhow... I had a productive day in the lab and it was nice to get to hang out with Ryan. Reading week is actually going to be spent reading. And relaxing of course... but I want to have my oral presentation done and over with before school starts back.

So disappointed...

Ugh... I hate doing poorly, when I think I could have done better. I feel like that is the story of my life in this lab course. I wish there were some sort of effort mark in the class. You know, 5% to tell you that yes you did try hard even if your mark does not reflect it. I feel like I need to do more, always more to do better in that class. At times, I love the challenge. At other times, like right now, I just feel burnt out. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to do as well as I might like. I need to become more consistant. I've decided, especially in regards to my lab course, I am going to start doing all the background readings and making myself a notebook that describes exactly why we are doing everything- reagents, steps, everything. As well as some more general knowledge about lab techniques.

I think if I do that, I'll have the background I need to possibly do better in this class. I hate floundering like I am right now. It feels awful. Its almost like part of me has stopped caring. Anyhow, I need sleep if I am going to face the lab tomorrow.

Randomness... a google thing... taken from Steph's blog

Your Name
Lisa Rae
http://davepics.com/Album/2003/05-23.Lindy_Prom.SDLX/tn/dsc01011.jpg.html

First Pet's Name
Marmalade
http://www.swallowhillfarm.com/photos/Apple%20Marmalade.jpg

Favourite thing to to do on a Saturday
Relax
http://www.wiwi.uni-bielefeld.de/~wolf/software/relax/relax_files/hello2.jpg

What You Wanted To Be When You Grew Up
Interior Designer
http://www.aperfectworld.org/10303.htm

The Last 4 Numbers Of Your Phone #
(0532)
http://science.ksc.nasa.gov/shuttle/missions/sts-96/images/high/KSC-99PP-0532.jpg

Have a great Valentine's Day everyone :)

Children, wake up, hold your mistake up

So much stress... it's funny because I think I thrive on it. Maybe I'm just a masochist, but when I'm not being challenged I'm not happy. Challenge is interesting. I guess I like to see how far I can push myself and how much I can accomplish. I think unless I can find a career that is ever changing and constantly challenging, I will end up changing careers a lot because of this.

So if I complain about how much I have to do, or how stressed I am or mention how I broke down into tears, it isn't because I am unhappy. In fact, despite the amount of stress I am under right now, I think I am the happiest I have been in awhile. And as weird as that might sound, it is surprisingly true. I know I wish for easier times at times like these, but when it's an easy time I wish I had more to do.... so it is a catch-22.

Anyhow... The title of this entry... it's a line from my favourite song of the moment- Wake up by the Arcade Fire.

I should sleep and not be tired tomorrow.

Do I need to sell my soul to do well in 420?

I just finished the first of many hellish weeks to come. I wish I hadn't spent so much time on my stupid stupid lab course because what did I get back? Crap sequences on most of my stuff. I think I have one that might be useable... ONE. I bombed my debate yesterday. I froze up and forgot what I was going to say. Even though I practiced.

Not to mention I probably did crappy on the assignment I handed in... needless to say it is back to the drawing board for my lab course. I think I'll set up a new set of phage lysates... and see if I can get anything interesting.

I think today will be better. Unless I find out that my one sequence is crap too.

I feel like I'm losing my soul to this course. What if research is beyond what I am capable? I don't want it to be... but what if it is?

Time to Vote... so what are you waiting for???

I've already voted today. It was surprisingly easy to get registered despite not being on the voter's list for my riding, Edmonton-Strathcona. So you can't tell me that it is hard to vote, because it really isn't. And most polling stations seem to be very close to where people live. Mine was about a block away from my house. Honestly- I don't think anyone should have an excuse to not vote. So what are you waiting for? Go vote!

And if you don't vote, don't complain to me about how much you hate the government.

What makes someone smart?

I've been pretty busy lately, it is a wonder I have had time to think of anything philosophical at all, but I guess this is something that has been nagging at me for a bit. It is something you run into a lot at University I guess...

People have often told me I'm smart. It is funny- because I don't see myself as being smart at all. Now this may sounds like the opposite of being conceited or smug or people might think I'm just being modest because no one likes it when someone thinks they are smart and then lets the world know. No- I actually don't see myself as smart and I am always surprised when I do well on things.

Is it weird not to feel smart? Just because I do well in school or at my job should I feel smart? I don't know its weird. Maybe it is a lack of self confidence... or maybe it is just because I am so put off by people who know they are smart and are convinced most other people are stupid and act like we should worship the ground they walk on. Barf. These are often the same people that assume that because someone doesn't have a 3.0 or higher, we shouldn't give them a chance to do anything. Newsflash again- some of the smartest people aren't actually that great at exams and traditional style school. When you give them something applied they excel and yet we turn these people away from Grad schools and Med schools because their GPA was sub-standard. I mean being a doctors isn't only about knowing facts. It is about interacting with patients and problem solving to diagnose and give patients the best care. Some med schools are doing a good job of selecting people to do this, others, however, are not.

Ugh... obviously this is something I get a little riled up about.

Anyhow... I must get to bed- I have a lot to learn about radiation tomorrow!

I can't believe I am saying this...

I love it here right now... I never thought I would say that about EDMONTON!!! Need sleep, might say more later.

Where did she go?

When did I become so anti-social? Has living in the middle of nowhere turned me into a solitude loving hermit?

Best New Year's In Many Years...

Before I tell you about my wonderful New Year's, I will start with the story of my less than perfect move.

It took an hour for us to actually get the U-haul. Then we spent the rest of the 28th packing my apartment and loading it into the truck. By the time we had finished cleaning my place I was almost passing out with exhaustion. I gave my keys to my landlords and we got a hotel to sleep in for the night.

We left early the next morning- a foggy dreary day. My car had been acting up a bit but we chose to ignore it (bad move) and keep going. We followed some very slow moving vehicles heading to some middle of nowhere oil field for a bit and tired not to fall asleep.

My car died in Killam so we figured it was the battery and put a new one in. (Again, bad move). By the time I reached Sherwood Park I was driving in erie silence. I knew that as soon as I reached a stop light I was screwed and that the car was going to die again. And so it did. So my mom picked me up in the moving truck, and we drove to Canadian Tire. The Canadian Tire guys gave me a number to call for the pick-up truck and I beat the police to calling him by about 5 minutes. So we left the car at Canadian Tire to be fixed and proceeded to my new place to unload. At this point neither my mom nor I really wanted to unpack and we snapped at each other a few times and I cried. All and all... not a cool time.

We got everything unpacked and headed to Pharos for Lasagne. While there, I received a call from the Canadian Tire mechanic telling my that my alternator needed to be replaced (and that turns out to be pretty expensive). When we got back we set up our sleeping places (I got my mattress, my mom took my box spring) and we went to sleep. Best sleep I had in a longtime.

My mom went home the next day (the 30th) and I picked up my car. I proceeded to start the enormous job that will be unpacking and went to bed at around midnight. the next day, i got up and 8:30 to clean up the mess I made a bit before having to leave for Innisfail to ring in the New Year!

It was so nice to see Ryan. It feels like forever since I had seen him. I felt bad that his Christmas gift wasn't ready for him when I saw him. He got me mittens with idiot strings and the beautiful necklace pictured right.

We hung out and played some Settlers of Catan (with the Knights and Cities expansion pack) and ate some appetizer that Ryan's mom made (so good!). After, we went over to one of Ryan's friend's houses in Red Deer which was fun. We left early so that we could beat the crazies home and rang in the new year on the road. We watched The Brothers' Grimm when we got home (or rather Ryan watched it, I fell asleep on him). He said it wasn't that great though, so I didn't miss much apparently.

So that was my New Year's. It was nice, rather tame but nice. I'm not much into the wild party New Year's, nor have I ever been. All the best to everyone in the New Year.

Long story... will tell later

So I've moved into my place in Edmonton... it was quite an adventure actually. An adventure that will have to wait to be told.

A short teaser... a long ride in fog, the little car that could gave up and many emotional outbursts from myself and my mother.

Anyhow, I have to go eat so that I can drive down to Innisfail and then to Calgary to finish up the last of the stuff I need to do there!

Adios and Happy New Year EVERYONE!

It's begining to feel a lot like springtime...

This is what Calgary looked like this afternoon. It's Christmas, But it feels more like spring time. My mom and I went for a walk down Edmonton Trail to the Rotary Park which overlooks downtown near my mom's apartment. It was amazing...

Anyhow... that's really all that is going on with me. I got some really nice Christmas presents. My mom really liked the scarf I made her too. It took a long time but it was worth it see the smile on her face when she opened it up.

I am thinking about starting a food blog... but I'm not sure how much time I'd have to devote to it. Especially since I am going back to school... but it is something to think about.

I should go though... I hope everyone is having a good Christmas! Happy Holidays everyone!

The Last Day

So today is my last day at work... and I'm actually kind of sad. I won't miss living in Brooks or my job really, but I'm feeling sad from all the goodbyes. I'm going to miss the people. Well most of them at least. I almost cried when I opened up Vanessa's going away gift she got for me.

Anyhow... I should be happy but I'm not really. Give me a few days and I'll be okay. Sometimes moving on is hard, but it has to be done.

Merry Christmas if I don't post before then.

State: Sad
Song: Letting Go- Sozzi

Anti-social

tomorrow at 14:30 pm I commence the first of my last four shifts at the lab. Part of me is ecstatic and the other part of me is sad. I am going to miss the people I work with. That is honestly the ONLY thing I will miss.

Today, I saw Lindsay and Michael which was nice. Now instead of being pratically married, they are engaged. I'm pretty sure they won't mind me saying anything. We went shopping, and I finished up my Christmas shopping. The malls were busy, but I think I have seen worse. It all depended on where you were shopping. I got some pretty good deals today. I finished up Lindsay C.'s gift- probably the one I am most proud of. I felt like Martha Steward as I wrapped her present in two scarves I purchased from Smart Set... $8.00 flat for both and they look like they are worth about $20 each. And they suit Lindsay; I could see her wearing them.

Tonight, we took my cat in for his yearly shots. He was such a good cat. But we found out he is going to have to get some teeth pulled because they are absessed. Which sucks, but what can you do? Both I took my cat up to the vets, I did the last two weeks worth of laundry. By the time I got back from the vet, I was beat. I feel like I am jet lagged, which really isn't surprising, because with my job switching from days to night the way it does, really is tough on the body. I mean, right now I'm struggling to stay up until 11 pm, whereas at the beginning of last week I was struggling to go to bed at 8 pm. I think that is the root of my anti-social behaviour tonight... tired, with the potential of grouchy. So instead of forcing my social side out I am going to curl up with my book and go to sleep.

Why?

So I am checking my e-mail here at the Brooks library and find something unexpected. Last year at around Christmas I sent out a whole bunch of e-mails to numerous professors, the heads of labs ect. and got a few bites but not a lot and certainly no jobs. It is funny, because I haven't even applied for anything this year, nor am I planning on staying in Calgary and I get an e-mail from the Director of the Molecular Diagnostic Lab at the Alberta Children's Hospital asking me to apply to work in their lab for the summer. I vaguely recall e-mailing him last year, but I didn't receive much a of response. I'm amazed that they still have my e-mail address and e-mailed me. I think it would an awesome opportunity, but it would also mean I finish my degree a whole semester later. I mean this right up the alley of what I thought I wanted to do. It would be a chance for me to see what it would be like. I guess it couldn't hurt to apply.

Grrr... this makes my life a whole lot more difficult. I mean, I'm sick of making huge decisions. I thought I would be free of this for awhile. But I guess not.

Anyhow, I should go. I have a ton of stuff I want to get done today, for christmas you know.

Until next time...

Short

This is going to be short update because I : 1) Have to go to bed and 2) My cat wants me to go to bed.

So I have exactly 15 days 1 hour and 24 minutes left until I am done my job. And good riddance!

I found a lovely place to live with Anne and her roommates. I have a good feeling about this place...

Things are going well with my boy... ;)

I found mits on a string and I am getting them for Christmas (yes, I want and need mits on an idiot string).

I had SOOOOOO much fun last night at kareoke with my Sarahs and Ryan! It rocked and I'd love to go again sometime.

For the first time in a long time: I am happy and excited about life. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Man, does it feel good!

State: Glowing, with a pinch of dread for tomorrow
Song: Alive- Melissa O'Neil