The most thinking since...

I haven't thought this much about life and stuff in general for a long time. I'd love to expose what I have been thinking about, but some things are just too personal to share in an online journal.

I often wonder where I am headed in life... why am I here? What do I want to do with my life? Some of the answers to those questions are simple, others much more complex. I have a feeling I am going to be up late tonight thinking... and that certainly isn't a bad thing. I mean I have another day off tomorrow, so as long as I am alert enough to drive it is all good.

My mind is reeling... I simply can't write. I usually write to clear my mind... but I think I need to write to somebody in particular.

Working, Working and More Working

I've been working alot. Thankfully, I've been off since yesterday. I baked cookies today, read some book, and went to see my Dad.

Last weekend, I went to see Harry Potter with my mom in Medicine Hat. It was so cheap. I haven't paid $13.00 for two people to see a movie in a very long time. I enjoyed it, probably because I haven't read the fourth book in quite some time so I probably forget a lot.

I'm excited to go to Edmonton this weekend, although everyone is pretty busy so I'll probably be spending quite a bit of time alone. I kind of want to go shopping for new pants, but I don't really want to go without someone who knows the mall (which sounds dumb, but honestly it saves me a headache). I'll probably go anyways... or just go to southgate. My favourite store is there anyways.

I don't have much to say... I haven't been happy or sad lately. Just in this in between state. The state of the living dead. Stagnant. Never changing. Probably because that is what my job is like. And all I do is work so its no wonder. I have a feeling I'll come alive again this weekend. Just a feeling though. I'm not going to expect anything because I don't want to be let down. Taking the hair off my legs makes me feel like I am coming out of hibernation...

Maybe I am...

A Teary Tuesday

This past Tuesday brought the most tears I have cried since probably the death of my grandfather. And for no apparent reason... I woke up at 6:00 am that morning and started crying and didn't stop until about 7:00 am.

And then later, on my drive home to Brooks, I cried again for another half an hour. I started to think I was going crazy. I started to try and find reasons for my overwhelming sadness... and the conclusion I came to when I got home- it was all my blasted hormones. Sometimes I hate being a girl, with my monthly mood swings that send me into tears. It's weird how hormones can affect your mood so much. I mean I suddenly felt insecure about everything, all my thoughts were irrational and I was convinced that no one liked me. For no apparent reason.

But most of the time: I'm happy being a girl, I'm not insecure about most things, and I have mostly rational thoughts. And most of the time, I'm pretty sure all the important people in my life like me.

Anyhow... that is all for today.

Mood: Meh... have to work for the next three days
Countdown: 43 days, 10 hours and 52 minutes.

Reflecting on the Past

I was just packing what is left in my old room up today because my mom is moving and I got the urge to read my old journals. I found a letter I wrote to myself when I was 15 to be opened on my 18th birthday. I think I might share it with everyone- because even at the ripe "old" age of 22 I haven't acheived my dream. I don't know what made me think 18 would be a magic number, but it seems to be when you are younger. The comments in italics are me now, the rest I wrote when I was 15. Anyhow... without further ado...

How Life Will be When I'm 18

I have a dream and a reality image about what my life will be life when I am eighteen. I will start with my dream and end with my reality.

Dream
1) I will know what to do for the rest of my life
2) I will have a steady, without intercourse, relationship with a member of the opposite sex
3) I will be going to my dream school- an American Ivy league one- on full scholarship
4) I will be less screwed up than I was when I wrote this
5) I will have starred in at least one school play
6) I will have a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment
7) I will be happy with myself for who I am

Reality
1) I probably will still have no idea of what going to do with my life (still true to this day)
2) I don't really want a boyfriend, they tie you down (okay- being tied down isn't so bad)
3) I probably won't have taken the SAT's which are necessary for American schools and will not have enough money or scholarship money to go (nor do I want to go anymore)
4) I'll probably be just as screwed up as I am now (I think I have managed to become less screwed up thank goodness)
5) I don't think I will ever have a lead role because I prefer playing second string (that and I don't want to act anymore AT ALL!)
6) I can still hope for a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment (this I can say is coming)
7) I will hope to God that after changing schools to get away from those who bring me down, I will be happy with myself for who I am. (Changing schools didn't do this for me, I had to change my attitude and develop better self-esteem. I learned you can't run away from your problems- they have a tendency to follow you)

I don't think being eightteen will change much, except for the fact that I will now be allowed to legally drink alcohol (and vote and buy cigarettes) and that I will have finished my quest through public education.

The Dream is my eternal optimism coming through, and the reality is what I have observed from the world around me... so that is my view on how life will be three year from now.

Anyhow... I have to go, I just thought it was kind of interesting.