Thoughts on Graduation

I had this whole blog thought up about graduation and that sort of nostalgic feeling it gives you. But graduating from university has been so different from graduating from high school. When I graduated from High School I felt like I could do anything I wanted to- my whole life was ahead of me. It has only been 6 years since then, but I somehow have this feeling now that I am running out of time. I have a degree now, I'm working in the field that I got my degree in and yet I have realized that it isn't what I want to do. I've decided to work at my job for next year and then I am probably heading back to school. The problem is- to do what? There are so many things I am interested in. I like working with people and I like working with animals. Recently, I have been thinking about Vet school, but I don't have some of the pre-reqs to get in. I have some of the harder ones to get like direct experience working with animals- but I'm missing physics and calculus both of which scare me to death. I'm good at science, but not at math and physics. Other career possibilities have included occupational therapist, nurse or maybe a teacher. Its funny, I always thought that by the time I was this age I'd know what I want, but I don't. I'm just an older, more mature, version of the girl that graduated from high school 6 years ago.

What scares me even more is I seem to be in this unmotivated funk where I don't feel like doing anything. Part of me is kicking myself- telling myself to get off my ass and do something about my life if I don't like it. And the other part of me is the one that always seems to win. My Facebook fortune cookie seems to have some good words of wisdom," Many a false step is made by standing still." That is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like I'm messing up my life by being apathetic, by standing still. I wish I weren't so numb to the kicks that part of me is giving... because one day the numbness will where off, I'm going to feel the bruises from the kicks and that won't be pleasant.

The Ghost of Blogging Past

So I can't sleep and I decided that I would look back on blogs of the past. My blog used to be interesting or at least it seems that way to me. It is funny because I often post on my blog when I can't sleep. Which apparently happens more often than I used to think. Especially lately...

Part of me thinks that it is a defense sort of mechanism, especially when I am sort of at a crossroads in my life. I don't sleep, because time seems to go by slower when you aren't sleeping and if I can prolong awakeness tomorrow won't come as soon. Seems silly, but I can't explain it any other way.

Anyhow... I feel like my blogging has been boring lately, like I've lost the spark for pouring my soul out onto the internet. Maybe I just don't feel as comfortable as I used to which is fair enough, I have no idea how many people read this thing. Anyhow I wanted to write down what a few of the goals I have come up with for the 101 things in 1001 days.

1) Start volunteering for two different organizations
2) Apply to occupational therapy
3) Complete an Olympic length triathlon
4) Buy a bike (probably before I do the Triathlon)
5) Complete at least 2 more half marathons
4) Run at least 3 days a week (unless sickness comes)
5) Reread the Wheel of Time Series

I had more, but I forgot what they were now. Oh right:
6) Get 8 hours of sleep a night. Good thing I haven't stated this yet... Anyhow, I think I am going to go try this sleep thing.

Goal List... considering the 101 in 1001

I'm thinking about doing the 101 things in 1001 days. Why? Because I have a lot of things that I want to do and I feel like because I don't have them written down, I am falling short of reaching my goals... it is just a idea.

I have a start date in mind already. Graduation day. I think it is June 12 or 11/07. I'll have to check to make sure. It will literally be the first day of the next 1001 days of my life. That gives me some time to come up with some goals that I think I want to do.


Anyhow... I should go to bed. That should probably be a goal of mine. Bed. Sleep. 8 hours of it. Whenever possible.

"I say my day is spent and my spirit's dead"

I don't know where to start. The title of this post is from a song called Legs Away by a band called Mother Mother. I quite enjoy them and you should go check them out because they are awesome.

The title sums up how I have been feeling since the semester began. I'm beyond procrastinating. I've full out given up. I sit and home and do nothing. I'm not even going out and having fun, or thinking of studying. I haven't even felt like posting on here because- honestly what would I post about. How am I feeling? Shitty, but I don't really like to let people in on that. I'm sick of hiding it. Pretending I'm okay. Because I'm not okay. I'm so far from okay that I don't even know who am I anymore. I look in the mirror and think, "This isn't you. You don't slack off like this. You work hard despite not liking the class, because you don't like to do badly." Well I am doing bad now...

If I could tell you what I think is wrong- well I'd probably say everything. But that is a lie, an exaggeration. I think I am having trouble because I have no solid goal. I feel like I'm losing it. Maybe I am. For example- it is midnight the night before my Anatomy midterm and I haven't studied and I have an assignment due tomorrow and I haven't started. And I'm not freaking out. It is like it doesn't even phase me. And it isn't like I don't have goals, I do. I need to do well in my classes because I really do want to get into occupational therapy. Am I self sabotaging my life?

It looks like I am probably going to withdraw from Anatomy. Five years in my degree and I have never had to withdraw from anything, but there is no way I can salvage that class. I feel bad for letting it get this far. I probably should have gone to talk to someone when I first started feeling like this. I thought it was just a mood swing, that I would swing back to normal like I normally do. But I never did...

Have no fear. I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor tomorrow after I fail my Anatomy exam. Because I can't go on "living" like this. I don't really feel like I am living right now. I'm going through the motions. It is time to start living again.

I am a procrastiholic

Not that admitting it really helps. I guess it is the first step to recovery. I've fallen back into the bad habit of putting things off. It really isn't healthy and frankly, makes me feel awful about myself. Not that feeling awful will help me stop procrastinating. It is a vicious cycle really. I already got my first mark back. I just got my first mark back that was affected by my procrastinating. It wasn't good, but honestly I have no one to blame but myself. Hopefully this isn't a repeat of what happened in 418 where I just couldn't bring my mark up after starting so low. I don't think it is. I know why I did bad. Simple. I did know nearly enough. I think I can come back though. At least I hope I can.

I feel pretty lost right now... I have no idea what I am doing what my life and it scares me, because sometimes I wish I didn't have to think about it. Sometimes I just don't feel like thinking about my future anymore. I still think I want to do occupational therapy, but why can't I motivate myself to volunteer or do something good? I don't know what is stopping me. I'm scared that my biggest obstacle in reaching my goals will be myself and my lack of motivation at times. I don't always feel like this, but when I do, I can barely motivate myself to do stuff that I like. I've felt like this now for probably about three weeks. It probably has something to do with not doing my work and feeling guilty about it, which in turn, makes me feel shitty and not like doing anything.

Tonight, I am going to stop the vicious cycle. Starting now, I will have a few ground rules for myself.

The RULES:

1) Set attainable goals and write them down
2) Rewards only upon completion of goals
3) Reduce procrastinating
4) No wallowing in self-pity/guilt for slipping up. These are counter-productive, demoralizing and generally only lead to more procrastination

That's all for tonight. I will try and post the more major goals on here. If I don't put it off...

It been awhile

I haven't posted for awhile mainly because I was super busy. I got all my marks back and I did really well this semester. Straight A's for the first time in my undergraduate degree. Things are going good, I have had a good few days to relax with Ryan before going back to school today. I'm looking forward to this semester. It is the first semester in a long while that I have been able to take whatever I want. I dropped this music class I was in because it was going to be way too much of the feminist high horse sort of class and I hate classes like that. Not that I have ever taken one, but honestly, I know. I didn't want to do the class within the first 5 minutes of being there and it seemed like it would be so much more work than a class like that is worth. So much more. Don't get me wrong... I'm all for women's rights and equality but some of these women's studies classes take it too far. I don't want to analyze the feminist qualities coming through the music.

On the other hand, I loved my Cognitive psychology class. I think it is going to be awesome. I hear it is a hard class, but honestly I think it will be worth it for interests sake.

Anyhow... I need to go to bed, because I have a lab meeting at 11 and I want to go in and get work done before it, so I want to be up by 7:50 and out the door by 8:30. Lets see if that happens!