Wow... I overreacted just a little. But I talked it through with him, so hopefully things get better. It is hard to stay mad or upset at him because he is always so happy to hear from me on the phone. So I forget all of my worries of him not liking me any more when I talk to him on the phone. I'm coming to Calgary anyways, because I have some books to return so if anyone wants to do anything, I'm in town.

State: Much better

I never thought this long distance thing would be so hard. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. I'm starting to think that I might have to break it off if it doesn't get any better because I can't live like this. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go back to being lonely, than to be with someone and never actually be with them. Maybe the reason why this upsets me so much is because I like him so much. Sometimes I don't know why, but I guess I can't help the way I feel.

I need to tell him how I feel, because it isn't going to get any better if he doesn't know. I think it would help if I heard from him more- but honestly if he can't do that I think I'd going to have to end it. Is it wrong to want to hear from him every other day? I don't think it is because we hardly see each other as it is. Maybe he just doesn't like me as much as I like him, but if that is the case,I wouldn't want to stay with him. I've been there and done that and it never turns out nice.

Maybe I'm so sad because I feel like its over already, before I've even tried to work things out with him. As far as I know, he doesn't know there is a problem. he wouldn't, because I haven't talked to him in a week. Anyhow, I should go get ready for work. I may or may not go to Calgary this weekend. I haven't decided yet.

State: Emotional Wreck.
Song: You wouldn't like me- Tegan and Sara

I had a good weekend, but it left me thinking about some not so good things. Things that make me sad.

What would happen if one liked some one a lot, but didn't like a particular attitude that this person possessed. The attitude isn't present most of the time, but only around others that possess the same attitude.

It makes me sad, because it is something I am very against and I have never been in the position where I like someone who possesses this attitude. I thought it would be a total turn-off, but for some reason it isn't. Maybe I don't want to believe that they would think the things they think... maybe I am blinded by the fact that I like them so much.

Part of me thinks I should end it, before it gets harder to do so. Another part of me, wants to wait it out. I already feel like it would tear my heart apart if I broke up with him. But if this is a large part of who he is, I don't know if I can be with him. It is pretty much the only thing we don't have in common. Ugh... It kills me really. I don't think it is something that can be changed, although I would love to. I also don't believe in trying to change a person. If they change out of their own free will, fine... but trying to change someone- it seems wrong to me.

Anyhow... I guess I'll just have to think about this. And I think I need to tell him that it bothers me, and if that is the end, then so be it. I don't want this to be the end... but if it has to be, it will be.

State: Conflicted

Wow... I haven't posted in awhile. I guess I haven't felt like it. Mostly my life involves working, eating and sleeping... and relaxing on my days off. I was supposed to go to Edmonton this weekend to see Ryan, but his shifts got changed and he ended up working for most of the weekend so I decided against it. I'm seeing him next weekend so that is good, because it has been entirely too long. Especially because for awhile there our work schedules made it so we couldn't talk to each other on the phone.

I got my copy of the new Harry Potter yesterday and have not been able to put it down. It is soooo good. It is like a drug I just can't get enough of. That is the only good thing that has come out of me not being able to see Ryan. I have gotten to read Harry.

My dad bought me a car. It is pretty nice. It's a 1991 Toyota Tercel, white with blue interior and the most awesome sounds system. I mean I didn't expect to get a car with anything more than a tape deck so this was a great surprise. Hopefully it passes the inspection tomorrow.

Anyhow... I should be off to bed. These crazy work hours (5 am to 3 pm) make me tired early.

State: Missing Ryan/Loving Harry

Wow... it has been awhile since my last post. I guess I just haven't felt like posting lately.

I've gone back to work for all of you who didn't know. Some people don't think I should ever go back, but I figured I'd give it a try before making any decisions. That trial week was last week, and it went well so I think I will be sticking with it. I like my roommates and my co-workers and I think I would forever regret giving up the opportunity to get this kind of experience. And I didn't feel nearly as paranoid (about getting sick)when I was working as I did before I started working.

I didn't do much this weekend except spend lots of money on scrapbooking stuff. Yes, I have taken up scrapbooking. It is my hobby for the next little while because honestly, in a town the size of Brooks you need a hooby to keep you sane. Most people take up drinking, I decided scrapbooking would probably be better for my health. Ryan thinks I should find a better hobby, but honestly I don't care what he thinks, he won't be around when I am making my pictures pretty so it doesn't matter :)I'm starting with the band trip to Mexico... because I figured I should start relatively small before I jump into doing my Europe pictures.

I have tomorrow off as well and then I go back to work. I haven't decided what I am going to do today yet... but I'm sure I'll find something. Oh yeah- I'm thinking of taking an anthro course during my year off- so I have one less course to worry about taking. I think the one I found was called Archeology of the Ancient World. It sounded pretty interesting. Anyhow... I should go get my day started. Until next time...

Song: Like a prayer- Madonna
State: good good