I'm scared of getting hurt but I guess most people are. Part of me is very bold, part of me can see myself asking a guy out- the part of me that is confident that someone might say yes. The other part of me, the part of me that pushes people away when they get too close, the part that says no to people without even thinking- that part of me is insecure.

I hide behind my geekiness. Yes, I am a geek. I always have been and probably always will be. But it is a much smaller part of who I am than I make it out to be, or than most people probably think. But it is my fault people don't get to know more than that about me. I mean, for a lot of the people I meet at University, all I talk about is school. So, really I haven't given them a chance to know anything more about me really. It is funny, in high school I'd pretty much tell anyone who'd listen everything and everything about myself. I still talk a lot, but I don't disclose as much about myself as I did in high school. I made myself very vulnerable in high school, and I was hurt a few times because of it. What I share with most people now is fairly superficial. But I think this is more of how it should be. The few and select know a lot about me, and most people only know what they need to know. The result of this is me having very few people I am truly close to in Edmonton. And that sometimes can be lonely.

I miss my friends that already know everything about me, the ones that know when I am upset just by looking at me. The ones that you can just get together and do nothing and still have fun. The ones that I never run out of silly things to chat about. The ones that know when I am up for something crazy by the look in my eyes. The ones that don't get scared by my crazy look. At least not usually...

I don't know where I am going with this... Sometimes I guess I feel like I am back in high school, where I feel like I need people to like me. I feel like I need to impress them. I hate that feeling, and I hate the way I act when I feel like that. And I've been feeling like that too much lately. I haven't felt like that since high school and not even that much in high school. More so in junior high.

Hmmm I've lost my train of thought, but I need to start working on all of this or I won't be happy. I mean, if I don't do anything about it I'll end up being depressed or something like that. And that isn't fun at all...

I think I'll head off to bed now as it is quite late!

State: Pensive, but good
Songs: Bulletproof- Blue Rodeo, The Only Living Boy in New York- Simon and Garfunkel