So I'm not getting much done on my lab report... so I'm going to kick myself later for wasting so much time and getting so little sleep.

So I decided to procrastinate and take the following quiz:

Take the Dead German Composer Test!

Wow... I didn't know my perfectionism would shine through in the Dead Composer test but apparently it does.

BTW... Stats can kiss my ass. Fucking P values, t-tests and ANOVA. Fuck them all. And what sucks even more is I am the only person in my stupid group that seems to understand anything about stats. So I almost have all of my results written out... and my materials and methods. Argh...

So off to Safewalk I go... at least that will get my mind off school for a bit.

Hope everyone else is doing well :)

State: Stat-urated with work
Song: Anxiety- Black Eyed Peas

I guess I haven't updated in awhile. I really don't know what to say. I think I have decided to stay in my program, but I might do my degree in 5 years instead of four.

I have a hellish month of school ahead of me. It least it looks horrible. hmmm...

I think I am going home for the summer, and I'll just work at Heritage Park for the summer. It's far easier to do that instead of trying to find a job in Edmonton and paying rent and the lot.

I baked cookies last night. skor bar cookies... they are so good.

anyhow... I'm tired. I wish I didn't have any assignments left. They take away from doing actual work. mind you that is kind of a backward thought seeing as most people find assignments to be the "real" work. Not me... assignments just get in the way of me studying for the subject.

Okay... that's enough for now.

State: Bleh...
Song: Anxiety - Black Eyed Peas

Okay, so I said I'd update this with the story from last night. I will start from the begining.

As some of you know, I have been questioning remaining in my chosen program. Not because I don't enjoy genetics. It's not that. I feel the program is too narrowly focused. Which is to be expected from an Honors program. I still feel capable of doing it, but the question is whether I want to or not.

So my Safewalk evening begins and I meet my partner. Really nice guy- 4th year Biological Sciences major with a minor in psych. Another hopeful med student, which is fairly typical at the U of A. He then tells me he used to be in Honors physiology. I'm intrigued... not so typical anymore. So I asked him why he switched out. And he said he saw it coming from the end of second year. He wasn't enjoying the program much but he thought he'd give third year a try. He, like me, was stubborn and didn't really want to leave the program. So third year comes along, and he said it was like living hell. The hardest most detailed courses he's ever taken. And although he was doing well, he hated it. Not because he didn't like physiology... no because the program had become so focused that the big picture was gone. And you learn so much about ONE thing that you are like, "don't want to know any more...make it stop" So he switched out after third year and decided to do the major/minor thing.

I also liked what he said about the focus in the honors programs isn't really the material, but more the marks and although you may be smart, no fail you end up feeling like the stupid person amongst all the smart people.

Listening to him, I thought- that could end up being me. Just a couple of days ago I mentioned to Daley, that maybe I should stay in the program just to finish it. Which has to be the stupidest reason I have EVER heard to stay in a program. Mostly that stems from me not wanting to give up. He called that the science student stubborness. Which again is stupid. Because it really isn't giving up. I still have to convince myself of that though... The honors programs here, and probably a lot of other places, are so rigid. And I think that if I continue, I will end up hating something that I love.

Walking around, talking, thinking, laughing, just being last night gave me a chance to reflect. I had completely lost track of my ultimate goal when I went into genetics. Getting caught up in the program, in getting good grades to stay in the program, I lost my focus. I still want to be a genetic counsellor. So I am going to go for it. But in a different way. I think I basically decided to switch out of my program last night. Do a major in biosci, minor in psych. I think I like psych enough to get a minor in it. It also allows me to take a lot of the biosci courses I really wanted to take but couldn't with my honors degree and not take the ones I didn't want to take. And I'll decide what I am doing next if I don't get into genetic counselling. Pretty much everything I want to do requires some sort of degree before I can do it anyhow.... but it doesn't have to be an honors degree.

It was simply a great night. One of my best shifts ever. We soon got on to other more interesting topics such as playing pranks on people and I have to say, I was in the company of quite the master mind. When we got back to the office, we filled out the incident report sad we missed the Northern light everybody had talked about but happy that we saw 6 bunnies in Quad. Just as we walk outside though- there they are- the most beautiful Northern Lights I have ever seen.

So yeah... I'm a horrible story teller...

So that was my night. My happy elated feeling has been ruined by the prospect of trying to find a summer job. stupid working. bah.

Anyhow seeing as I was so excited last night, I only got 3 hours of sleep I am going to go to bed now. Goodnight Everyone!

State: tired... anxious
Song: Globes and Maps -Something Coporate

Okay... I can't write much right now because I am going to class in like 5 minutes.... well leaving for school. But I think I may have had a HUGE HUGE HUGE revelation last night. Thanks to my wonderful safewalk partner.

It was one of those magical sort of nights. Northern Lights dancing above, six bunnies, hanging out in Quad.

Lets just say a huge light bulb went off in my head and I think I will be happier from now on. Light bulbs can be kind of annoying, as I didn't really sleep last night. My revelation indiced a sort of insomnia. Hopefully, I am able to sleep tonight!

I will tell the WHOLE story... when I get home.

For now you will just have to wait :)

State: Still excited... sort of annoyed I couldn't sleep
Song:I'm too excited for a song...

I'm wondering if I should listen to the wise advice of Aimee Mann...
hmmmm....
This is my song of the moment:

Wise Up
by: Aimee Mann
It's not
what you thought
when you first
began it
You got
what you want
Now you can hardly stand it, though
but now you know
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

You're sure
there's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think
one drink
will shrink you 'til you're underground
and living down
But it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
'Til you wise up

Prepare a list
of what you need
before you sign
away the deed
'Cause it's not going to stop
It's not going to stop
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No, it's not going to stop
'Til you wise up
No it's not going to stop
So just give up

I better get back to work... although I am kind of enjoying it. It happens now and again... which makes me question myself even more.

State: confused...
Song: See above :)

So, it has been a long time since I have written anything on here. Not because I haven't had anything to say, but more because I haven't really felt like typing stuff out. I'm been letting the thoughts stew in my head. I might continue to let them stew.

I'm not sure I want to sell my soul to the gods of genetics. As my roommate always says... "You are supposed to like it." Yeah... I know... but the more I learn the less I seem to want to. I do like my eukaryotic genetics course although it is kinda weird and I never know quite what I need to know... but it is interesting. I don't really like bacterial genetics that much. Or at least it doesn't feel like I like it. I'm not even sure anymore. Oh well... I hate talking about this stuff it's stupid and I wish I could just make up my mind.

I saw the Barbarian Invasions last night. It was really good but very very sad. the kind of movie where you have to hold back the sobbing. And it was educational- I now know what a blowjob is in french.

Right now I am working on my lab report that is due in a little less than two weeks. Yes, that's right it isn't due tomorrow and I am working on it. And it is coming along quite well. I'm planning on finishing it today. Or at least the rough draft.

I had more to talk about but I can't remember what it is anymore. I was feeling very philosophical earlier today. But I guess that passed. Darn.

State: Off...
Song: No Sleep - Sam Roberts

So I just got back from my Safewalk shift and I have to say this one went much better than the one before. I just don't think that me and the conservative guy, who likes american history really hit it off. My partner was really nice tonight and we actually never ran out of things to talk about, and I think he actually listened to me. The guy I walked with on Sunday would ask me questions at the begining of the night and then he asked me the same questions about an hour later.

We got off early though because he was sick. The shift mostly comprised of riding the bus from the school to the Fac and then back. We took our break in the safewalk office and the dispatcher told us we could go home. I've decided I really like the 10-1 shift. It's nice and peaceful out and there are more walks I think so you keep busier. I don't know it just seemed like it went by a lot faster.

Anyhow so far so good on the homework doing schedule although it is exhausting. My safewalk shift helped me forget I spent all that time studying though. It broke the evening up a little.

Anyhow... off to bed. Although I still do get to sleep in tomorrow. Yay for 12 o'clock classes!

State: Content but EXHAUSTED
Song: Completely random.... I have one line of a Dido song going around in my head... "be careful what you wish for" so something like that....

Hmmm... I just watched American Beauty. That movie never ceases to amaze me. Every time I watch it, I see something that I didn't see the last time. I always feel better about life after watching that movie.

I'm half-way caught up on my Wall of Work... which was, of course, cause for celebration. Lindsay and I walked to Safeway and picked ourself up some ice cream. Some Hagen Daaz ice cream to be precise. And you know what I found out tonight that really shocked me? There is no GST on ice cream. So I guess the canadian government deams ice cream to be a necessity. Well good on them. Too bad they don't consider feminine products necessary.

I don't really have much to say other than, I was pretty happy today. For the first time in a long time, I was happy sitting down reading my boring textbooks. And you know what, they weren't even that boring. For the first time in a long time, things feel right in my life. And that feel good.

State: Contented
Song: Dancing Bag Song- American Beauty

Okay... I just posted my post from last night because the internet wasn't working last night. Now I am going to do what I said I'd so last night:
The wall of work, by popular (well maybe not popular) demand:

Now I am going to go shopping for supper food and other food so I must be off!

State: Much better

Has anyone seen the movie Beyond the Valley of the Dolls? So Lindsay and I were watching Sex and the City and we kinda just kept watching and we ended up watching one of the weirdest, almost porn movies - well knowing Bravo it probably was porn.

It was weird because it wasn't quite graphic, it didn't quite have a story line, and yeah. And at the end- there were MORALS! Lindsay and I killed ourselves laughing. It was great. Ashley- this really whorish/porn star girl never knew the true meaning of love because she took advantage of boys and didn't have any regard for their feelings. The commentator guy went through all the "bad" characters and said what went wrong in their lives and what the "moral" of the story was.

I kind of think Austin Powers was loosely based on the movie.... or movies like it.

And you know the begining of "Smoke Two Joints" by Sublime- with the talking at the begining? The talking bit is from this movie. Lindsay looked at me funny when I started reciting the lines...

A memorable line : "I'd like to strap you on."- Whorish Ashley

Oh and, I can't forget :
Dirty old man: "Would you like something stronger than that?"( refering to non-alcoholic drink)
Kelly: "Yes, I would but they don't serve that at bars"

Okay I am going to sleep... hard to believe I am still awake.

Goodnight everyone... hope everyone had a groovy Friday night!

State: Exhausted but happy
Song: Incenses and Peppermints by ? it is on the Austin Power 1 soundtrack and this movie as well

Well, seeing as I am still awake I figured I would write something in here. I just finnished my lab report and while I think it is okay- I don't feel I'll get much higher than 60 something on it. I don't know. It just seems like a 60 something paper. Or maybe expectations are too high? Although I've never gotten 60 something on any lab report before this. Wow... I've blabbed on and on about nothing. But the evil that is my ecology lab report is over. sigh. That is until about two weeks from now, when I have another due. I'd like to think I'll start that one sooner and avoid pulling all nighter to finish them but I don't know. Pulling all nighters and lab reports seem to go hand in hand for me. Maybe I've conditioned myself into doing it this way. But that really isn't true. I didn't stay up nearly this late for my micro labs, probably because I found them more interesting to write. Sigh... I think that was my problem tonight. That and stupid excel.

I guess I should go to sleep for the half-hour fourty-five minutes I'll get. yay for morning labs.

okay I have said nothing of use, but I'm sure i probably entertained a few... if not at least people won't bug me about updating.

State: Sleepdrunken
Song: none

Okay some people want me to update so I guess I will. I want to implement a reward system for doing my homework.

I've been wondering about stuff lately. Psych sure puts a lot of ideas into my head. I wish I wasn't so tired so I could actually write everything that is blazing through my head right now. Self-perception is a powerful thing. I'm wondering if what we perceive ourselves as is what we really are? Or do we become what we perceive of ourselves? Would altering one's self-perception alter how other people see the person or would the world's perception remain the same?

Anyhow that is all for now. Sorry it isn't longer.

State: Pensive
Song: Song off of Lindsay's CD that I can't remember the name of

Time for an update... well at least a short one. It is late and I am tired. I had a great reading break. I think it topped Christmas break by far. Because I saw everyone(almost- sorry Dietrie) I wanted to see and it wasn't long enough for me to get depressed about anything.

I went out to laser quest with Wei and Craig tonight. Then we decided to meet Jen P. and her boyfriend at Ducky's for a night a Kareokee. Man, that was fun. I am definately checking out the kareokee again. Good times. I even danced a bit with Craig- and I would have got up to sing but they wouldn't let craig go again so I didn't. Maybe next time. And there will be another time.

Okay off to bed. I'm super tired and I am leaving on the 11 am bus tomorrow so I have to be up in like 6 hours. Goodnight everyone and hopefully your reading breaks were as good as mine. I am hoping I am not going to regret all this fun when I have to work super hard next week to catch up :)

State: Happy... tired and I smell like an ashtray
Song: Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen

Now that I am done stuff I should have done before going out, I will go to bed.

Saw Ricki and Micki today and met Dave.

Heard lots of news tonight, but I don't feel like putting it up for all to see, I think I will just go to bed.

Goodnight!

Okay, here is my update as I haven't really written anything here for awhile. I had a wonderful time out at Caitlin's cabin. It was very relaxing and I really didn't want to leave. Thanks again to Caitlin for having us our there!

I have mostly recovered from the soreness that comes after one has not skied/snowbladed for awhile so that is good.

I have changed the look of my blog. Most of the design is mine, although I used another template and modified it a bunch to get this. So it really doesn't look anything like the orignal. The top picture of the sidebar is University Ave in Edmonton, the second obviously the Eiffle tower and the last one is one of the Iles Medes in spain. I took all three pictures, although I might not have taken the bottom one. It might be Lindsay, Jane or Michael who took that one.

Okay I've blabbled on enough about nothing... I think I am going to go read my book for awhile before my mom gets home.

State: Hungry, but happy.
Song: Nothing right now....

Hmm I'm tired and yet I still am awake. It doesn't make any sense. I've been awake since 6:30 this morning. In fact I was awake until 2:30 this morning.

Bus to Calgary packed.

It's reading week. yay.

Ecology still sucks.

But life goes on...

Happy Valentines Day Everyone!

Hope everyone gets all the cinnimon hearts they can eat, because thats the most important thing about St. Val's day.

Okay. I'm going to sleep. Right now.

Goodnight World!

State: Beyond tired... or maybe even tired represented in the multidimention hyperspace (and yes that hoopla about hyperspace was on my Ecology midterm)
Song: Bubble Toes- Jack Johnson

I just had my Genetics 275 midterm and I think it went well. I didn't get the same horrible feeling I got prior to my genet 270 exam so lets hope that is a good sign.

I really should go eat lunch now. And study for 208. Goodness knows that I won't do well on that one if I don't study my ass off for it.

I'm stuck at school for the night... Safewalking at 7 I think... although I should go check on that to make sure.

Wow those three sentences all start with I.

Until next time...
State: Still buzzed from my exam...
Song: Rainy Days- Guster

Today was going well until I got my 270 midterm back. Granted, I knew I hadn't done so hot right after having wrote it so I wasn't really surprised.

I got this e-mail yesterday from Daley and I thought I would immortalize it in my blog for all to see. And then perhaps I will comment. I think a lot of it applies more to one living in rez... and also more after first year... but I've felt pretty much everything in this e-mail at some point in the past two years. Okay, here it is:

Are we ready?

A year has past and now we stand on the brink of returning to a world where we are surrounded by the paradox of everything, and yet nothing being the same.

In two months we will reluctantly give our hugs and, fighting the tears, say goodbye to people who were once just names on a sheet of paper to return to people that we hugged and fought tears to say goodbye to before we ever left. We will leave our best friends to return to our best friends.

We will go back to the places we came from and go back to the same things we did last summer and every summer before that. We will come into town on that same familiar road, and even though it has been months, it will seem like only yesterday. As you walk into your old bedroom, every emotion will pass through you as you reflect on the way your life has changed and the person you have become. You suddenly realize that the things that were most important to you a year ago don't seem to matter so much anymore, and the things you hold highest now, no one at home will completely understand. The memories and the stories from school won't mean anything to anyone at home and yet you resent them for that, that they can't share that happiness with you. Who will you call first? What will you do your frist weekend home with your friends? How long before you actually start missing people barging in without calling or knocking? Who will get pizza at three in the morning with you now? How long until you adjust to sleeping alone in a room again?

Then you start to realize how much things have changed, and you realize the hardest part of university is blancing the two completely different worlds you now live in, trying desperately to hold on to everything all the while trying to figure out what you have to leave behind. In the matter of one day's travelling time, we will leave our world of living next door to our best friends, walking across campus to eat, instant messenger, 8:30am classes, and the perpetual procrastination to a world that will seem foreign to us despite the fact that we lived in it for eightteen years.

But it is different now. We now know the meaning of true friendship. We know who we have kept in touch with over the past year and who we hold dearest in our hearts. We've left our high school world to deal with the real world. We've had our hearts broken, we've fallen in love, we've helped our best friends overcome depresison, stress and death, and we've stayed up all night on the phone just to talk to a friend in need. There have been times when we've felt so helpless being hours away form home when we know our families needed us, and there are times we know we have made a difference.

Two months from now we will leave. Two months form now we take down our pictures, and pack up our clothes. No more going next door to do nothing for hours on end. We will leave our friends whose random email and phone calls will bring us to laughter and tears this summer. We will take our memories and dreams and put them away for now, saving them for our return to this world. Two months from now we will arrive. We will unpack our bags and have dinner with our families. We will drive over to our best friend's house and do nothing for hours on end. We will return to the same friends whose random emails and phone calls have brought us to laughter and tears over the year. We will unpack old dreams and memories that have been put away for the past year.

In two months we will dig deep inside to find the strength and conviction to adjust to change and still keep each other close. And somehow, in some way, we will find our place between these two completely different worlds.

Are you ready?

I don't know, I just found it very moving and I guess so honest and true to what you actually go through when you move home after being away for awhile. I find that its weird to live with my mom again, which is odd because I've pretty much always got along with her. But living with parents is so much different from living on your own. For the first little while last year, I felt so out of place being home again- it was so normal and yet at the same time I think I had changed so maybe the way I perceived home was different. I mean, I changed between high school and university- but the change was gradual and I was in the same environment. Hmm... I'm not sure what I am getting at... anyhow it doesn't matter. I know how I feel and even if I can't quite express it here, as long as I know it doesn't matter.

I need to go study for my genetics 275 exam, lest I repeat my awful performance. Maybe I'll post more later... maybe, maybe not.

State: Disappointed in myself
Song: none

Okay so my post for tonight... I didn't get much done this weekend and that sucks a lot. Especially because other than theater sports, i didn't really do anything fun. And both Lindsay and I are in the most HORRIBLE PMS-y moods ever, and really I don't think most people would want to be around us right now.

I've honestly not felt this crappy due to PMS in awhile. It's almost frightening how all consuming it is. I broke down into tears earlier for no reason. And for some reason taking some silly quiz on geekyness made me feel better.

I've been listening to four songs on repeat for the past few hours. At first they made me sad, but now they are almost comforting and I don't want to turn it off. But I should... and go to bed.

State: Still in this major PMS rut...
Songs: Deliver Me- Sarah Brightman, Globes and Maps- Something Corporate, Sick Cycle Carousel- Lifehouse, and Prayer of St Francis- Sarah McLaughlan

You are 48% geek

You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator. Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. You [to Geek]: We need more than that, Scotty. You'll have to stay until you can squeeze more outta them engines! Geek [to You]: I'm givin' her all she's got, Captain, but we need more dilithium crystals! You [to Normal]: He wants to know if he gets overtime.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Apparently I am less of a geek than I thought I was....