I figured I should update seeing as yesterday I was a tad unhappy. Today was much better, just as I predicted it would be.

Chad thought it appropriate that we dub Mondays: Lab Monkey Mondays. Because it is the day the lab monkeys (aka us) go to the lab. So this is my account of Lab Monkey Monday.

I'll just skip to the lab, because that is the most interesting part. Today, I helped the TA teach the class how to do stoichiometery again. Yesterday, on the horrible day that was yesterday I taught myself how to do stoichiometry again. I know this will sounds bad, but it felt nice to feel smart again. I feel so out of my league in lectures sometime. I mean, I'm not the type of person that does well when everything is memorized and it is all detail memorizing and not applied. But once something is applied, I'm totally in my element. I mean things make so much more sense to me when I can experience them myself.

Okay so moving on, the story won't be as funny as it was went it happened. So we were counting our flies and scoring them by phenotype- males and female, stubble or not etc. And I am having a lot of trouble telling the males from the females, so I say, "Usually, I don't have trouble telling males and females apart..." and before I could even finish our TA, Monica, says,"Maybe its because they are flies?" lol like I said you had to be there. And then I said, "I'm having trouble getting males," and of course I got made fun of for that. I only did get five of the male flies that I was supposed to get. Two in one vial, three in the other each of those vials with 10 virgins each. I though of naming them... (the males that is). But it is too late now. I like to call my fly vials "little harems" because that is precisely what they are.

So we are thinking of going out on Valentine's day for Margarita Monday as a lab. I think that would be fun and I say as a lab but I've really only talked about it with Chad, Leanne and Sarah so we'll see.

I was so happy we finished early today and I even had enough energy to cook myself some dinner. And that is exciting... sigh. Why do I like labs so much? I don't know and I don't care. Lets just hope things go as well tomorrow!

State: wonderful
Song: A Movie Script Ending- Death Cab for Cutie

I should be in bed right now but at the same time I want to vent on here. I'm feeling so many things right now and unfortunately, not one of those feelings is good. In fact, I'm not sure I've felt this horrible in quite some time. Well I guess that means it is about time. I could list everything I'm feeling, but there really isn't much point because: 1) I'm sure no one really cares and 2) I don't feel like it. I mean, why drag everyone else down with my problems?

I should go to bed and sleep and hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be okay. It's a nice thought anyhow... I have to go to bed now or tomorrow things will be even less okay than if I were to keep writing.

Goodnight...

State: Awful
Song:Crestfallen- Smashing Pumpkins (the pessimist in me)/Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson (the optimist in me)

libido + being single = not very fun.

Okay, so that might make me sounds like some sex-obsessed person, but I don't care. I mean, why don't girls talk about being sexually frustrated more than they do?Maybe I have a higher sex drive than some, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one...I know rationally that I am not. Although my roommates are pretty open about these discussions. But sexually frustrated does not = desperate. There is a difference. Also, I'm perplexed at the evolutionary ingenious of how even someone who has never had sex can want it. My question is: how can I miss something I've never had? Its weird but true. Maybe I'd miss it even more if I have had it.

I'm also frustrated that I can't sleep. So basically I'm just frustrated all around.

State: grrrr stupid libido
Song: I don't wanna be- Gavin DeGraw

I think too much.

State: Thinking.
Song: I Don't Wanna Be- Gavin DeGraw

Hmmm... I guess I just felt like posting. Nothing in particular really. I went to see Rachel today, before she heads off to Congo. It was nice to visit with her. And I finally got to see the apartment that she lived in for the past two years. Yes, my first time there and it looked nothing like it did while see lived in it because I saw it without furniture. For some reason, because I only had one class today, it felt like a weekend day. I have done very little school work today, but that is okay. Oh right, kinda of scary- these two guys got taken down by the police right at the bus stop I was waiting at to go back to the university. It was kind of scary and then these people tried to sell me knives... well give me free stuff first and then try and sell me supposedly $70 knives for like $20. But honestly, a box of that many knives for 70 dollars, they aren't going to be great quality. And the fact that you can sell them for $20, means they have to be fairly cheap in the first place. Call me a knife snob, I probably am after using Cutco for half a year already. When I have money, I'm buying Cutco. It's well worth the investment. I mean, knife gets dull you send it in and they send you a new one. And you can pass them on to your kids and they can do the same.

I also had my yoga class today. Today, it was actually pretty hard. But it always makes me feel so wonderful after, I'm sad I didn't take yoga up a long time ago. It really clears the mind and destresses. Anyhow, I should go to bed. It may be friday tomorrow, but I still have lots I want to get done. Oh and that is another thing. Is the governement stupid? I send my student loan money to the university for a reason- to pay my tuition. So why do I have a cheque for my student loan money on me? Why is my tuition not paid? Oh right, because the government sent it to the wrong place. Its really easy to fix, but kind of annoying. I think that is it...

State: Dead tired, but relaxed
Song: New Slang- Garden State

Okay I know I said I was going to sleep, but I decided I wanted to do some research for my witchcraft class, and I came across this site: DNA as a sacred text. I mean, I think that DNA is really cool, seeing as I've devoted my whole degree and possibly career to it, but sacred text? I don't know about that...I guess if you call science a religion, DNA might be the sacred text. Or math might be... hmmm who knows :)

So now I'm actually going to go to bed :)

I had a nightmare last night. Only a nightmare because it was the last thing I wanted to experience again in my sleep. I just kept loading gels in my dream. One after another. I guess that is what I might end up doing, so hopefully I get better at it. It's funny because Sarah had the same dream.

I guess lately I've been feeling kind of isolated up here. I mean, there are berry few people I talk to about anything other than school. I think school is my cover topic, when I can think of nothing else. It is my security blanket. I'm trying to let go, but it is hard when it is such a huge part of my life. I feel like no one knows anything about me. Probably untrue... actually really untrue. There is very few people I feel that certain connection with- the one that only comes with certain people, your closest friends. The ones you can talk to about anything or almost anything... and they just know you and you can just be yourself around them- no effort... and they may make fun of you sometimes, but its all in good fun. I don't know, I'm missing that a lot of time here. I mean, I love that playing pool at Caitlin's never seems to get old. Or talking to Lindsay (my roomie) until 3 am in the morning about just about everything never gets old. Going for walks with Daley, if only to the Safeway to buy some chocolate or groceries at 11 pm- that never got old either (at least for me it didn't).

I really don't know where I am going with this... if I were a good writer I would make it sound all pretty and it would have direction and such. But I am tired so I think I'll just end it here for now... perhaps more ramblings at a later time.

State: Isolated
Song: The Horizon Had Been Defeated- Jack Johnson

sigh... so tired. No coherent thoughts goes through my head. I'm supposed to do this assignment for my genetics class, not for marks but it is due tomorrow and I'm not done. Nor do I feel like finishing it. Nor do I care how they figured about how centromeres work or how they figured it out. It was good the first time he presented it in class. But now I'm tired and more worried about how I'm going to interpret my horrible gel.

I had my climbing class today. It is really good. I really like it...

I'm tired... I shouldn't be posting.

So I finished most of the stupid assignment. I need to fix my attitude if I want to do as well as I want.

Sleep calls...

State: too time to care
Song: The Places You Have Come To Fear the Most- Dashboard Confessional

Why do I lack so much confidence in myself? I mean, what will it take before I prove to myself that I am capable of doing the things I want to in life? It doesn't help that I'm having trouble getting a job in my field, mostly because no one seems to want to give me a chance because I have no experience. Granted, I understand that it is a huge risk to take on a student with little to no experience. At the same time, I should have been applying to way more jobs than I did. That is my fault entirely. Why didn't I apply to more? Because I didn't think I could get them...but you never know until you try. The thing is, what is it inside of me that makes me so sure no one will hire me? I don't have low self esteem. I think I am worthy, but I don't feel like I'm able? I guess I must have low self-confidence. Actually, it is something that everyone I have ever worked for has commented as being their only negative. When I worked at the law firm, I needed to work on having more confidence in my decisions. Working at Heritage Park, I needed to have more confidence in my ability to lead.

There is part of me, that believes that I can do anything I set my mind to. I try and listen to that part of me first. But my less confident, "I don't know if you are doing this right etc." sometimes wins, well it wins more often than my you can do anything mind set. It took me two and a half years of university to believe in my ability to do an honours program. I've been in it from the start, because I knew that was the only way I'd ever do it. I told myself, if I don't go in now, I'll never go in, because I'll never feel like I am able to do it. My first year, I was petrified I'd "fail out" of my program and not get the GPA I needed to stay in. Kind of irrational, seeing as I got a 7.1 and I only needed a 6.5 to stay in my program.

How does one start believing in themselves? Why I am I so afraid to be rejected or to fail, that I stop myself from doing things I might be able to do, but I'm too afraid to try? Why I am passing up opportunities, because I think they will never pick me? I probably should go talk to someone about this, because I am sick of not doing things that I might be able to do, because I am scared nothing will come of it. It feels good to feel something for a change... I was trying not to let not get jobs get to me, but the thing is- it does get to me. And every once and while, you have to let that out.

So, that was probably long and boring for most people to read... but I don't care. It's my blog and I can I write what I want to.

State: upset, with myself mostly, also frustrated with myself
Song: The Horizon Has Been Defeated- Jack Johnson

Yesterday, I did a lot, but almost nothing school related. I'm almost done my lab report. I've almost done for the past three days. But now I only have the lab report questions to answer which is significantly farther ahead than I was before.

MSN won't connect. I know I'm conneted to the internet because I am recieving e-mail as I type this. Oh well, it isn't the hugest deal. I had the most wonderful things to post right as I was falling asleep last night, but now I can't think of what they are. It was one of those moments where I was thinking in clear, beautiful sentences. I have to say, those moments don't happen very often for me.

I think I am going to head off to the gym. But first, I'm going to make a gym CD so that might take a little while. I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm thinking it is from the lack of physical movement I did yesterday. I'm not counting cleaning the whole house in that. Cleaning the house takes about as much energy as walking back and forth to school a few times.

State: that inbetween state, the one between being happy and being sad
Song: Wise Up - Aimee Mann

Before I start my day today, I want to recap the day that was yesterday. All and all barring a few falls on the pavement, yesterday was a good day.

The school day was uneventful. Really. Hearing about what gel electrophoresis is and that A pairs with T and G pairs with C for the MILLIONTH TIME isn't my idea of a good time. I mean THAT'S WHAT THE PRE-REQ was for... if they don't remember that, I don't know how they passed the pre-req. I guess he also talked about restriction enzymes, but again no new info that wasn't in the PRE-REQ. And from taking my stupid lab theory course, I know way more about restriction enzymes than I need to for this class. I'll be mad if I don't get at least an A- in this class. I'm actually aiming for a A. I really hope I'm a curve wrecker in that class.

After school, I went home and attempted to work on my lab report. I got some done, but I hate the format of the lab book... I never know if I am writing it up the way she wants me too. I guess I'll find out this coming lab class.

So I'm getting a little hungry, and I decided that I will go to the store to pick up groceries. I get all my groceries and I even pick up a bottle of wine to go with dinner. So, I'm walking home and I'm just about to cross the street and I think the driver sees me... but see doesn't and starts to go because she sees that traffic is clear enough for her to turn. I'm startled because I see this van coming toward me, so I stop dead in my tracks and fall flat on my ass, well more back. She mouths sorry to me and then proceeds to drive away. I'm not too upset at this point, because I'm not hurt and that is what is important. I keep walking and just as I pass Pharos I fall flat on my ass. I get into the house and put all my groceries down. I run upstairs and go to the bathroom and when I get back I notice this two puddles of liquid forming around my backpack. I look and it appears to be milk. That's when I get upset. Everything in my bag is SOAKED with milk. My potatoes, veggies, everything. Now I am fuming- because this fall on the ice has cost me a liter of milk (I salvaged the other liter of the two liter carton)and quite possibly a bag of potatoes (because potatoes aren't supposed to get wet and milk probably isn't the best thing for them to get wet with. I rinsed then and dried them so we'll see.)

Once I got everything cleaned up, I made my wonderful supper of garlic mashed potatoes, veggies and my Caribbean chicken. I was really good. To complete the meal, I had a glass of the wine I bought: Ernest & Gallo White Zinfandel 2003. For a cheap wine (8.99$ a bottle), it was really good. I had it for the first time at Princess' cocktail party last weekend, and I figured from what I read on wine that it would go nicely with the meal I made. I'd highly recommend it, even if you normally don't like wine. It is such a pretty colour too. Dark pink... because the grapes they make it with are black Zinfandel grapes, where they separate the juice from the skin almost immediately after pressing it. My first experience with rose wine was at grad, and I didn't like that one much. But I also hadn't drank much at that point, so I don't think I appreciated anything that wasn't sugary sweet. I also want to try some red wines. I have limited experience with red wine and I'd like to broaden my palate. I'd also like to buy some cheap wine glasses at Ikea or something because these plastic ones we have here really aren't cutting it.

Lindsay's mad at us because well Becky didn't notice that she had cleaned the kitchen. The thing is- Becky, Di and I all do the amount of cleaning she did in the kitchen the other day, everyday... or every other day. So she's all mad that we didn't notice, well I'm kinda annoyed that she probably hasn't noticed we've been doing all the cleaning. I'm so mad I actually want to clean, but we are trying to wait it out until she cleans the bathroom , because she hasn't cleaned it yet this year. And Becky and I have each cleaned it like 3 times. And Di, like twice. We need some sort of system or Lindsay won't clean.

Anyhow... As much as I'd like to spend the day just writing on here, I have to go do work. Until next time- adios.

State: good
Song: Just a Ride- Jem

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Mainly, you know, trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life and such. I still don't know.

And the prof I want to work for of course wants to know where I see myself in 2 years and again in five years. And I don't know really... so I said grad school or working as a lab technician. Bascially, those are my choices though. I enjoy the lab. I mean, it is what I have always liked in genetics. It is all the problem solving I could ever want to do. I'm always loved problem solving. I guess that's why, on the flip side I'd love to be a counsellor. And also if I liked math and physics more or felt more proficient in them, I'd probably like engineering. So what ever I do, I think it needs to involve some sort of problem solving.

And now for something completely different... I had my first climbing class on Tuesday. And all we are doing is bouldering. Which is wonderful- because that is what I like about climbing. I like it more than just climbing up the wall. Today I had the yoga part of the class... and that was really nice. So relaxing...

Anyhow... I'm positive I had more to talk about, but alas it is gone now.

State: good
Song: The World at Large- Modest Mouse

I think this ball is going to become my new form of stress relief. That and my yoga class. Which I haven't started yet, but start tomorrow. Wow... I trully over booked tomorrow. I really need to make a schedule so I actually do work in my other classes. I can't believe how much time I wasted last semester. At the same time, I also realize why I was so tired all the time in first year. Yes the labs. And you thought you were sick of hearing about genetics. Fuck, I've already broken one of my New Year's resolutions. I think it is hopeless for me though. Random.

The ball really is good. When I close my eyes and bounce and let my mind go blank, I feel all my stress melt away. It feel so good.

Call me crazy. Call me whatever you want. It has been a long time since I really cared if people think I am normal or not.

That said... goodnight, bonsoir et bonne nuit.

State: Stress in my back, peace in my mind
Song: Fair- Remy Zero

This is just a short post to bring everyone's attention to a new feature I have added to my sidebar. The quote of the moment. Self-explanatory really. I will change it when something else inspires me. Goodnight everyone!

So far this weekend has been fun. Actually, it has been exactly what I needed. I feel refreshed and ready to work and more mentally prepared to tackle that thing that is school work. So I'll give you a quick recap of the weekend!

Friday (the start of any good weekend), I went to Princess' house for a "outrageous" dressy cocktail party. People always ask me, "Oooh well what kind of cocktails did you have?" and I'm like , "Well I guess we only drank wine and sangria, which really aren't cocktails at all. It was a nice, adult, civilized party with lots of interesting people and I didn't even talk about school that much. I was concerned about this "outrageously" dressy thing but most people didn't even dress up so in comparison, I looked pretty outrageous next to them. But what I wore was nothing out of the ordinary. I did put my hair up into this really neat braided up-do... hard to explain. It's really too bad I don't have pictures. Everyone said it looked really cool though.

Saturday was spent not doing very much. I had kind of planned to have all of my lab repost done before I went over to Sarah T.'s to watch movies but I didn't am a lot father along than I was before though. So I went to Sarah's... and it was fun. I took the 7 to get there, and Daley was right about that bus being sketchy. And I had to walk three blocks through a sketchy area of town in the dark and that so was not cool. I rented the last copy of Garden State from the Movie studio because Sarah and I hadn't seen it and made an executive decision that we were going to watch it anyways, even if everyone else has. I loved it. I actually want to watch it again before I return it because it was so good.

Anyhow, that was essentially my weekend. I guess I still have today. I will be working on stuff all day so that really doesn't count. That concludes Lisa's weekend in review. Hope everyone has a most stellar day!

State: Happy
Song: Caring is Creepy- the Shins

Roommates can be frustrating sometimes. I like my roommates, but they aren't the sort of people I would ever become friends with if I didn't live with them. They can be so closeminded about the world sometimes it makes me want to scream!!!

I guess I have been thinking a lot today. I feel old. And really, I'm not getting any younger. But then again nobody is. Lately, I feel like I am going to end up an old maid. I'm lonely, but not in that depressing, sad, desperate lonely kind of way. The kind of lonely that catches you off guard. The kind where you suddenly realize,"Wow, its been a long time since I've even been interested in someone." I mean maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I'm trying to protect myself. From what? I can't remember anymore. Heartbreak, most likely. Rejection, yet another possibility. Why are my standards so high? And my internet is being a bitch. I realize the fairy tale only exists in movies. I realized, that provided a guy flirts with me, I am able to flirt back should I choose to and most importantly feel comfortable doing so. Maybe I'm not cut out for traditional dating. You know, where you sorta know the person and then date to get to know them. I freeze up in situations like that. Random guy asks me out on a date and I am likely without thinking to flat out tell them no. Mind you they are random, and sometimes creepy. Most guys I am able to flirt with, I know fairly well. The dilemma is: how do get to know a guy well enough without becoming his friend, but at the same time not jumping into the dating?

I mean the last time (ahem 5 years ago- yes its now been 5 years), it was easier. I had a friend with a big mouth, who told the guy I liked, that liked him, and we took it from there. And I guess we were never friends to begin with. And things were simpler when I hadn't experienced true heartbreak before. I wasn't afraid to take the plunge. I don't think it works to be friends with the guy first. It hasn't, in my limited experience, worked for me. 5 years... that is way too long.

State: Disbelief
Song: Konstantine- Something Corporate

I'm sitting,no bouncing here on my ball as I type this. I love my new exercise bike. It was damn hard to blow up, but it was well worth it now that I am able to play with it.

I got back into Edmonton on Saturday afternoon. My mom drove me up, which was really nice because it meant she could take me grocery shopping. After the grocery shopping, we headed over to Pharos for dinner (mmm lasagna mmm) and then we went to see Kinsey which I have to say I really liked. It was nice to visit one last little bit with my mom. I have to say, as much as I like living on my own, I really do miss my mom.

Sunday was spent reorganizing everything so that I was ready for today. Needless to say, nothing could really prepare me for today. I wasn't mentally prepared to do actual work today and I ended up spending 3 hrs. in my lab course. I mean I really should have expected a LAB COURSE to start on the first day of classes, but I didn't. So far, I like my lab course though, and I was right when I thought it would be a lot of work. Already, I had homework for tomorrow: prep for tomorrow's lab. I guess I really like it because it is like no other biology lab I have ever been in. I hope that I can be a little more organized than I was today and not have to scurry around like I did.

So now I am really tired and I was ready to sleep like an hour ago so I'd better get to sleep so that I can be fresh for tomorrow.

State: Mentally exhausted
Song: Float On - Modest Mouse

Last night, I went over to Craig's house and hung out with the boys. I also got to play with Craig's little sister Kiva. She is so cute. She restores my want to actually have children someday. I also had my first taste of Screech, a newfoundland delicacy. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, mind you most alcohol doesn't taste too bad when mixed with coke. I didn't know this, but screech is actually a dark jamaican rum. I guess I am a fan of the darker rum. I don't like white rum as much. Bacardi has a chemically taste after tasting good dark rum.

Today, I got up late and I ate pizza for breakfast. I watched some insane show on Maury about these out of control thirteen year olds who were prostituting themselves. It was kind of sick to say the least. I mean, I wasn't thinking of doing any of the things they were doing at thirteen or say EVER.

Then, I did a mass e-mail out asking trying to find a lab to work in this summer. I have one real bite so far and I only started the e-mail out at 11 am. Also, I got the 499 project I wanted so I am looking forward to that.

Anyhow... I am off to watch the season premier of Alias that I taped last night!

State: Tired... but good

It's funny how when you are lying in bed trying to fall asleep you can think of the most wonderful, insightful and deep things to post on the blog and then when you wake up in the morning all those thoughts are gone.

So that is exactly what happened last night. And thus, you get this boring post about not much of anything. I went to my Dad's house yesterday and ended up sleeping over even though that wasn't the plan. We watched the hockey game and it was a pretty fun game to watch. Always nice to see Canada win.

Today, I haven't really done much because I only got home at 3:30 pm. I am supposed to go out with some people tonight, but I have no idea what we are doing. But I am always up for surprises.

Anyhow... I am going to end this post here. Holidays have gone by so fast, I'm not ready to go back to school.

State: Pretty Good

So after a couple of lazy days, I have had lots of time to think. Maybe too much. I guess lately it has been about what do I want to do with my life. I mean I actually think about this quite a lot, and I guess I have posted on it a few times. It probably doesn't make such an interesting topic for everyone else, but this blog isn't really for other people.

Even after days of thinking, I have nothing. I mean, ideally I'd love to do all my possible careers and as of right now I think this is what I might end up doing. Its not so far fetched... not really at least. I mean why do I have to choose between two things that I love? Why do I have to compromise? I don't think I have to. I think my first job will be doing something sciency, with my degree. I think I want to do the whole diagnostic thing, become a technician and work for awhile. This is provided I like lab work, which I am fairly certain I will.

The next job, will be something of the counseling type. Not psychological counseling though more along the lines of career or university advising, or genetic counseling or even something like occupational therapy. Anyhow- whatever it is, it will involve working with and helping people. My problem is, I am generally interested in many things, but specifically interested in very little. Anyhow... so far that is all I have come up with.

I came up with a few more resolutions. Day 2 of the New Year Resolutions.
1)Be more conscious of what is going on in the world.
2)Broaden my knowledge of things outside of Science

I'm off to go read my new book... Goodnight everyone!

State: Blob-like

Happy New Year Everyone!

I make the same resolution every year, and since every year I've done slightly better with this one, I am going to make it again. So here is my list:
1)No more cramming
2)Continue to work out
3)Have more fun and try not to talk about school so much (that one is going to be hard)
4)Not be such a blabber mouth (again, that will be hard)
5)Tell my roommates they are upsetting me when it happens, and not later because they can't do anything about it later.
6)No more time wasting (I guess that is the same as no more procrastinating)

and that is about it...

So hopefully everyone has a good one, all the best in 2005.

State: Content