Why do I lack so much confidence in myself? I mean, what will it take before I prove to myself that I am capable of doing the things I want to in life? It doesn't help that I'm having trouble getting a job in my field, mostly because no one seems to want to give me a chance because I have no experience. Granted, I understand that it is a huge risk to take on a student with little to no experience. At the same time, I should have been applying to way more jobs than I did. That is my fault entirely. Why didn't I apply to more? Because I didn't think I could get them...but you never know until you try. The thing is, what is it inside of me that makes me so sure no one will hire me? I don't have low self esteem. I think I am worthy, but I don't feel like I'm able? I guess I must have low self-confidence. Actually, it is something that everyone I have ever worked for has commented as being their only negative. When I worked at the law firm, I needed to work on having more confidence in my decisions. Working at Heritage Park, I needed to have more confidence in my ability to lead.

There is part of me, that believes that I can do anything I set my mind to. I try and listen to that part of me first. But my less confident, "I don't know if you are doing this right etc." sometimes wins, well it wins more often than my you can do anything mind set. It took me two and a half years of university to believe in my ability to do an honours program. I've been in it from the start, because I knew that was the only way I'd ever do it. I told myself, if I don't go in now, I'll never go in, because I'll never feel like I am able to do it. My first year, I was petrified I'd "fail out" of my program and not get the GPA I needed to stay in. Kind of irrational, seeing as I got a 7.1 and I only needed a 6.5 to stay in my program.

How does one start believing in themselves? Why I am I so afraid to be rejected or to fail, that I stop myself from doing things I might be able to do, but I'm too afraid to try? Why I am passing up opportunities, because I think they will never pick me? I probably should go talk to someone about this, because I am sick of not doing things that I might be able to do, because I am scared nothing will come of it. It feels good to feel something for a change... I was trying not to let not get jobs get to me, but the thing is- it does get to me. And every once and while, you have to let that out.

So, that was probably long and boring for most people to read... but I don't care. It's my blog and I can I write what I want to.

State: upset, with myself mostly, also frustrated with myself
Song: The Horizon Has Been Defeated- Jack Johnson