I don't feel guilty anymore for leaving early. I was for awhile, even though I knew I shouldn't. Some people I will leave unnamed at work even tried to convince me to stay by guilting me with, " We spent all this money to train you, and you leave us so soon..." What I don't think they realize is I've invested a lot too. More than most people would for a job. I've risked and continue to risk my health. This is foremost in my mind right now after visiting my kidney doctor. My kidney's aren't working any better than they were three months ago. Not that I expected they would. I mean the doctors did told they were permanently damaged, but I guess in the back of my mind, I always hoped for some small miracle and that my kidneys would return to normal. But they haven't and I am seriously considering my doctor's recommendation of going on blood pressure medication. In fact, I am trying it for a week to see how my body reacts to it. Honestly, it scares me that to save my kidneys from dying young (and thus saying me from dying young) I might have to be on medication for the rest of my life.
All that said, how can I feel guilty for leaving a job that made me so sick in first place? I don't think I can. I think it was a really stupid decision, on my part, to go back in the first place, but I didn't think of it that way at the time. I guess what I've realized in the past little while is how short life is and how quickly it can be taken away from you. I think that is what kills me the most about being down in Brooks right now. I'm doing a job that requires very little thinking and other than the multitasking (which I am getting better at) offers me almost no mental challenge. It is sucking the life out of me. I don't feel like I am living right now, at least not when I am down there. What a difference I feel when I leave there even just to come spend time with my mom in Calgary. But leaving to come visit people in Calgary or Edmonton is bitter sweet because I know in a few short days I'll have to return to a place that makes me feel like I am dying inside. I've tried to make friends with at least my co-workers and they say they'll invite me to do stuff with them, but they never do. I feel like I am wasting part of my life, that all the time I am spending down there not living could be spent elsewhere- living.
I might sound melodramatic to some right now and I know some people will tell me, "Chin up, it will get better." Well, I will keep my chin up, but I doubt it will get better. I want to keep a positive attitude (or at least try to) so that time doesn't seem as wasted. I'll spend time on my hobbies, and hopefully that will make my days off pass more quickly. I'll try to keep my mind off the dead feeling I have inside and on to the good things in my life. Because time passes much more quickly when you don't wallow in your misery. I've spent too much time in my life doing that, so I'll just use my blog as a channel or vessel for my sadness and hope that perhaps I can carry on with just a glimmer of happiness.
State: Pensive
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