Why do I lack so much confidence in myself? I mean, what will it take before I prove to myself that I am capable of doing the things I want to in life? It doesn't help that I'm having trouble getting a job in my field, mostly because no one seems to want to give me a chance because I have no experience. Granted, I understand that it is a huge risk to take on a student with little to no experience. At the same time, I should have been applying to way more jobs than I did. That is my fault entirely. Why didn't I apply to more? Because I didn't think I could get them...but you never know until you try. The thing is, what is it inside of me that makes me so sure no one will hire me? I don't have low self esteem. I think I am worthy, but I don't feel like I'm able? I guess I must have low self-confidence. Actually, it is something that everyone I have ever worked for has commented as being their only negative. When I worked at the law firm, I needed to work on having more confidence in my decisions. Working at Heritage Park, I needed to have more confidence in my ability to lead.

There is part of me, that believes that I can do anything I set my mind to. I try and listen to that part of me first. But my less confident, "I don't know if you are doing this right etc." sometimes wins, well it wins more often than my you can do anything mind set. It took me two and a half years of university to believe in my ability to do an honours program. I've been in it from the start, because I knew that was the only way I'd ever do it. I told myself, if I don't go in now, I'll never go in, because I'll never feel like I am able to do it. My first year, I was petrified I'd "fail out" of my program and not get the GPA I needed to stay in. Kind of irrational, seeing as I got a 7.1 and I only needed a 6.5 to stay in my program.

How does one start believing in themselves? Why I am I so afraid to be rejected or to fail, that I stop myself from doing things I might be able to do, but I'm too afraid to try? Why I am passing up opportunities, because I think they will never pick me? I probably should go talk to someone about this, because I am sick of not doing things that I might be able to do, because I am scared nothing will come of it. It feels good to feel something for a change... I was trying not to let not get jobs get to me, but the thing is- it does get to me. And every once and while, you have to let that out.

So, that was probably long and boring for most people to read... but I don't care. It's my blog and I can I write what I want to.

State: upset, with myself mostly, also frustrated with myself
Song: The Horizon Has Been Defeated- Jack Johnson

Yesterday, I did a lot, but almost nothing school related. I'm almost done my lab report. I've almost done for the past three days. But now I only have the lab report questions to answer which is significantly farther ahead than I was before.

MSN won't connect. I know I'm conneted to the internet because I am recieving e-mail as I type this. Oh well, it isn't the hugest deal. I had the most wonderful things to post right as I was falling asleep last night, but now I can't think of what they are. It was one of those moments where I was thinking in clear, beautiful sentences. I have to say, those moments don't happen very often for me.

I think I am going to head off to the gym. But first, I'm going to make a gym CD so that might take a little while. I didn't sleep well last night, and I'm thinking it is from the lack of physical movement I did yesterday. I'm not counting cleaning the whole house in that. Cleaning the house takes about as much energy as walking back and forth to school a few times.

State: that inbetween state, the one between being happy and being sad
Song: Wise Up - Aimee Mann

Before I start my day today, I want to recap the day that was yesterday. All and all barring a few falls on the pavement, yesterday was a good day.

The school day was uneventful. Really. Hearing about what gel electrophoresis is and that A pairs with T and G pairs with C for the MILLIONTH TIME isn't my idea of a good time. I mean THAT'S WHAT THE PRE-REQ was for... if they don't remember that, I don't know how they passed the pre-req. I guess he also talked about restriction enzymes, but again no new info that wasn't in the PRE-REQ. And from taking my stupid lab theory course, I know way more about restriction enzymes than I need to for this class. I'll be mad if I don't get at least an A- in this class. I'm actually aiming for a A. I really hope I'm a curve wrecker in that class.

After school, I went home and attempted to work on my lab report. I got some done, but I hate the format of the lab book... I never know if I am writing it up the way she wants me too. I guess I'll find out this coming lab class.

So I'm getting a little hungry, and I decided that I will go to the store to pick up groceries. I get all my groceries and I even pick up a bottle of wine to go with dinner. So, I'm walking home and I'm just about to cross the street and I think the driver sees me... but see doesn't and starts to go because she sees that traffic is clear enough for her to turn. I'm startled because I see this van coming toward me, so I stop dead in my tracks and fall flat on my ass, well more back. She mouths sorry to me and then proceeds to drive away. I'm not too upset at this point, because I'm not hurt and that is what is important. I keep walking and just as I pass Pharos I fall flat on my ass. I get into the house and put all my groceries down. I run upstairs and go to the bathroom and when I get back I notice this two puddles of liquid forming around my backpack. I look and it appears to be milk. That's when I get upset. Everything in my bag is SOAKED with milk. My potatoes, veggies, everything. Now I am fuming- because this fall on the ice has cost me a liter of milk (I salvaged the other liter of the two liter carton)and quite possibly a bag of potatoes (because potatoes aren't supposed to get wet and milk probably isn't the best thing for them to get wet with. I rinsed then and dried them so we'll see.)

Once I got everything cleaned up, I made my wonderful supper of garlic mashed potatoes, veggies and my Caribbean chicken. I was really good. To complete the meal, I had a glass of the wine I bought: Ernest & Gallo White Zinfandel 2003. For a cheap wine (8.99$ a bottle), it was really good. I had it for the first time at Princess' cocktail party last weekend, and I figured from what I read on wine that it would go nicely with the meal I made. I'd highly recommend it, even if you normally don't like wine. It is such a pretty colour too. Dark pink... because the grapes they make it with are black Zinfandel grapes, where they separate the juice from the skin almost immediately after pressing it. My first experience with rose wine was at grad, and I didn't like that one much. But I also hadn't drank much at that point, so I don't think I appreciated anything that wasn't sugary sweet. I also want to try some red wines. I have limited experience with red wine and I'd like to broaden my palate. I'd also like to buy some cheap wine glasses at Ikea or something because these plastic ones we have here really aren't cutting it.

Lindsay's mad at us because well Becky didn't notice that she had cleaned the kitchen. The thing is- Becky, Di and I all do the amount of cleaning she did in the kitchen the other day, everyday... or every other day. So she's all mad that we didn't notice, well I'm kinda annoyed that she probably hasn't noticed we've been doing all the cleaning. I'm so mad I actually want to clean, but we are trying to wait it out until she cleans the bathroom , because she hasn't cleaned it yet this year. And Becky and I have each cleaned it like 3 times. And Di, like twice. We need some sort of system or Lindsay won't clean.

Anyhow... As much as I'd like to spend the day just writing on here, I have to go do work. Until next time- adios.

State: good
Song: Just a Ride- Jem

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Mainly, you know, trying to figure out what I am going to do with my life and such. I still don't know.

And the prof I want to work for of course wants to know where I see myself in 2 years and again in five years. And I don't know really... so I said grad school or working as a lab technician. Bascially, those are my choices though. I enjoy the lab. I mean, it is what I have always liked in genetics. It is all the problem solving I could ever want to do. I'm always loved problem solving. I guess that's why, on the flip side I'd love to be a counsellor. And also if I liked math and physics more or felt more proficient in them, I'd probably like engineering. So what ever I do, I think it needs to involve some sort of problem solving.

And now for something completely different... I had my first climbing class on Tuesday. And all we are doing is bouldering. Which is wonderful- because that is what I like about climbing. I like it more than just climbing up the wall. Today I had the yoga part of the class... and that was really nice. So relaxing...

Anyhow... I'm positive I had more to talk about, but alas it is gone now.

State: good
Song: The World at Large- Modest Mouse

I think this ball is going to become my new form of stress relief. That and my yoga class. Which I haven't started yet, but start tomorrow. Wow... I trully over booked tomorrow. I really need to make a schedule so I actually do work in my other classes. I can't believe how much time I wasted last semester. At the same time, I also realize why I was so tired all the time in first year. Yes the labs. And you thought you were sick of hearing about genetics. Fuck, I've already broken one of my New Year's resolutions. I think it is hopeless for me though. Random.

The ball really is good. When I close my eyes and bounce and let my mind go blank, I feel all my stress melt away. It feel so good.

Call me crazy. Call me whatever you want. It has been a long time since I really cared if people think I am normal or not.

That said... goodnight, bonsoir et bonne nuit.

State: Stress in my back, peace in my mind
Song: Fair- Remy Zero

This is just a short post to bring everyone's attention to a new feature I have added to my sidebar. The quote of the moment. Self-explanatory really. I will change it when something else inspires me. Goodnight everyone!

So far this weekend has been fun. Actually, it has been exactly what I needed. I feel refreshed and ready to work and more mentally prepared to tackle that thing that is school work. So I'll give you a quick recap of the weekend!

Friday (the start of any good weekend), I went to Princess' house for a "outrageous" dressy cocktail party. People always ask me, "Oooh well what kind of cocktails did you have?" and I'm like , "Well I guess we only drank wine and sangria, which really aren't cocktails at all. It was a nice, adult, civilized party with lots of interesting people and I didn't even talk about school that much. I was concerned about this "outrageously" dressy thing but most people didn't even dress up so in comparison, I looked pretty outrageous next to them. But what I wore was nothing out of the ordinary. I did put my hair up into this really neat braided up-do... hard to explain. It's really too bad I don't have pictures. Everyone said it looked really cool though.

Saturday was spent not doing very much. I had kind of planned to have all of my lab repost done before I went over to Sarah T.'s to watch movies but I didn't am a lot father along than I was before though. So I went to Sarah's... and it was fun. I took the 7 to get there, and Daley was right about that bus being sketchy. And I had to walk three blocks through a sketchy area of town in the dark and that so was not cool. I rented the last copy of Garden State from the Movie studio because Sarah and I hadn't seen it and made an executive decision that we were going to watch it anyways, even if everyone else has. I loved it. I actually want to watch it again before I return it because it was so good.

Anyhow, that was essentially my weekend. I guess I still have today. I will be working on stuff all day so that really doesn't count. That concludes Lisa's weekend in review. Hope everyone has a most stellar day!

State: Happy
Song: Caring is Creepy- the Shins

Roommates can be frustrating sometimes. I like my roommates, but they aren't the sort of people I would ever become friends with if I didn't live with them. They can be so closeminded about the world sometimes it makes me want to scream!!!

I guess I have been thinking a lot today. I feel old. And really, I'm not getting any younger. But then again nobody is. Lately, I feel like I am going to end up an old maid. I'm lonely, but not in that depressing, sad, desperate lonely kind of way. The kind of lonely that catches you off guard. The kind where you suddenly realize,"Wow, its been a long time since I've even been interested in someone." I mean maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe I'm trying to protect myself. From what? I can't remember anymore. Heartbreak, most likely. Rejection, yet another possibility. Why are my standards so high? And my internet is being a bitch. I realize the fairy tale only exists in movies. I realized, that provided a guy flirts with me, I am able to flirt back should I choose to and most importantly feel comfortable doing so. Maybe I'm not cut out for traditional dating. You know, where you sorta know the person and then date to get to know them. I freeze up in situations like that. Random guy asks me out on a date and I am likely without thinking to flat out tell them no. Mind you they are random, and sometimes creepy. Most guys I am able to flirt with, I know fairly well. The dilemma is: how do get to know a guy well enough without becoming his friend, but at the same time not jumping into the dating?

I mean the last time (ahem 5 years ago- yes its now been 5 years), it was easier. I had a friend with a big mouth, who told the guy I liked, that liked him, and we took it from there. And I guess we were never friends to begin with. And things were simpler when I hadn't experienced true heartbreak before. I wasn't afraid to take the plunge. I don't think it works to be friends with the guy first. It hasn't, in my limited experience, worked for me. 5 years... that is way too long.

State: Disbelief
Song: Konstantine- Something Corporate

I'm sitting,no bouncing here on my ball as I type this. I love my new exercise bike. It was damn hard to blow up, but it was well worth it now that I am able to play with it.

I got back into Edmonton on Saturday afternoon. My mom drove me up, which was really nice because it meant she could take me grocery shopping. After the grocery shopping, we headed over to Pharos for dinner (mmm lasagna mmm) and then we went to see Kinsey which I have to say I really liked. It was nice to visit one last little bit with my mom. I have to say, as much as I like living on my own, I really do miss my mom.

Sunday was spent reorganizing everything so that I was ready for today. Needless to say, nothing could really prepare me for today. I wasn't mentally prepared to do actual work today and I ended up spending 3 hrs. in my lab course. I mean I really should have expected a LAB COURSE to start on the first day of classes, but I didn't. So far, I like my lab course though, and I was right when I thought it would be a lot of work. Already, I had homework for tomorrow: prep for tomorrow's lab. I guess I really like it because it is like no other biology lab I have ever been in. I hope that I can be a little more organized than I was today and not have to scurry around like I did.

So now I am really tired and I was ready to sleep like an hour ago so I'd better get to sleep so that I can be fresh for tomorrow.

State: Mentally exhausted
Song: Float On - Modest Mouse

Last night, I went over to Craig's house and hung out with the boys. I also got to play with Craig's little sister Kiva. She is so cute. She restores my want to actually have children someday. I also had my first taste of Screech, a newfoundland delicacy. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, mind you most alcohol doesn't taste too bad when mixed with coke. I didn't know this, but screech is actually a dark jamaican rum. I guess I am a fan of the darker rum. I don't like white rum as much. Bacardi has a chemically taste after tasting good dark rum.

Today, I got up late and I ate pizza for breakfast. I watched some insane show on Maury about these out of control thirteen year olds who were prostituting themselves. It was kind of sick to say the least. I mean, I wasn't thinking of doing any of the things they were doing at thirteen or say EVER.

Then, I did a mass e-mail out asking trying to find a lab to work in this summer. I have one real bite so far and I only started the e-mail out at 11 am. Also, I got the 499 project I wanted so I am looking forward to that.

Anyhow... I am off to watch the season premier of Alias that I taped last night!

State: Tired... but good

It's funny how when you are lying in bed trying to fall asleep you can think of the most wonderful, insightful and deep things to post on the blog and then when you wake up in the morning all those thoughts are gone.

So that is exactly what happened last night. And thus, you get this boring post about not much of anything. I went to my Dad's house yesterday and ended up sleeping over even though that wasn't the plan. We watched the hockey game and it was a pretty fun game to watch. Always nice to see Canada win.

Today, I haven't really done much because I only got home at 3:30 pm. I am supposed to go out with some people tonight, but I have no idea what we are doing. But I am always up for surprises.

Anyhow... I am going to end this post here. Holidays have gone by so fast, I'm not ready to go back to school.

State: Pretty Good

So after a couple of lazy days, I have had lots of time to think. Maybe too much. I guess lately it has been about what do I want to do with my life. I mean I actually think about this quite a lot, and I guess I have posted on it a few times. It probably doesn't make such an interesting topic for everyone else, but this blog isn't really for other people.

Even after days of thinking, I have nothing. I mean, ideally I'd love to do all my possible careers and as of right now I think this is what I might end up doing. Its not so far fetched... not really at least. I mean why do I have to choose between two things that I love? Why do I have to compromise? I don't think I have to. I think my first job will be doing something sciency, with my degree. I think I want to do the whole diagnostic thing, become a technician and work for awhile. This is provided I like lab work, which I am fairly certain I will.

The next job, will be something of the counseling type. Not psychological counseling though more along the lines of career or university advising, or genetic counseling or even something like occupational therapy. Anyhow- whatever it is, it will involve working with and helping people. My problem is, I am generally interested in many things, but specifically interested in very little. Anyhow... so far that is all I have come up with.

I came up with a few more resolutions. Day 2 of the New Year Resolutions.
1)Be more conscious of what is going on in the world.
2)Broaden my knowledge of things outside of Science

I'm off to go read my new book... Goodnight everyone!

State: Blob-like

Happy New Year Everyone!

I make the same resolution every year, and since every year I've done slightly better with this one, I am going to make it again. So here is my list:
1)No more cramming
2)Continue to work out
3)Have more fun and try not to talk about school so much (that one is going to be hard)
4)Not be such a blabber mouth (again, that will be hard)
5)Tell my roommates they are upsetting me when it happens, and not later because they can't do anything about it later.
6)No more time wasting (I guess that is the same as no more procrastinating)

and that is about it...

So hopefully everyone has a good one, all the best in 2005.

State: Content

Although I have been referring to Christmas Eve as being New Year's eve for the past few days, it is finally actually New Year's eve. As far as I am concerned, yesterday was more like New Year's Eve than today. I guess it just felt that way with the gathering and all.I'm just not sure anything I do today will top yesterday, and I am fine with that.

Yesterday was really fun. We played this game called Mafia, and that was quite entertaining. But I am a horrible liar, so that doesn't work too well when trying to be one of the Mafia. But what was really funny, is no one believed me when I wasn't lying. I was just plain horrible at the game but it was still amusing.It was really nice to have everyone together before we all (well some of us at least) return to school. I stilll have another week here though, which should be nice and relaxing.

Today, I went over to Craig's house for Waffles with Rachel. That was really nice. Craig's little sister is getting so big, but I guess that is the nature of growing up.

I'm going out for supper with my mom tonight, and then I don't know what. Whatever I do though, I am not going to let myself get down about not doing certain things. Not like last year. I think that is why I often don't have as much fun as I should on New Year's Eve. Too much hype and too many expectations for it to be an amazing night. In my experience, the best times I have ever had have never been expected. So tonight is my night of no expectations.

Anyhow, whatever everyone is doing tonight- have a great time! Happy New Year Everyone!

State: Content-

Wow.... two days of fun in a row. But they say good things come in threes so hopefully that means tomorrow is going to be just as fun.

Yesterday, I spent the day with Daley. We did a variety of things, starting with skating, then some chatting,then some getting together with Rachel for some of Rachel's own Frisbee golf (which was played at Bowness Park with one Frisbee and two boomaragans) and finally ending by roasting our feet by the fire while drinking marshmallowy hot chocolate.

Today, I didn't do much until Micki invited me out to Ladies night with her and her friend Mel. I was a little skeptical, but decided I only live once. Also, my mom told me that you haven't lived until you've gone to ladies night so I figured, I might as well. It turned out to be a lot of fun. We started at cowboys, to watch the strippers. Now don't get any ideas in your head... you don't see anything more than most of us have seen at a swimming pool. Actually to tell you the truth, being in swim club and seeing the boys in their speedos you see more than you see with the strippers. Anyhow, it is more amusing to see the guys routines. Their dances were really funny. Once the entertainment was over, Cowboys started playing crappy music, so we headed over to The Mynt. What a swanky night club! I'm glad I was over dressed for Cowboys, otherwise I would have been under dressed for The Mynt. So we danced there for quite awhile, but then the music started to get badish (bad early 90's rap) and 18 year old guys that looked about 15 started to hit on us and could take a hint when we all shook our head after the DJ asked "Who's getting laid tonight?" So we decided to head out... Anyhow, since this is already long enough I'll just end with saying it was the most fun I have had in a long time dancing. But my ears are also ringing like I have just gotten back from a concert...

So, tomorrow(aka today) is the pre- New Years, gathering... I'm excited to see everyone :)Okay... bed time

Anyhow...I need to sleep. Goodnight everyone!

State: my ears are ringing
Song: Random Dance Songs...

Today was a good day. First, I got together with Jane in the "morning" which when Jane says it means, "I'll call you around 11 am and we'll get together in the afternoon." Except I called her- but we did get together in the afternoon. We were on a quest you see. To fetch our presents from Lindsay's Mom's house. We retrieved our presents and and went back to Jane's for a loverly lunch prepared by Jane's mom. Mmm does she ever make good food :)

Then we phoned Rachel, and very spontaneously decided to go see Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events. It was excellent and I would highly recommend it to everyone.

As Timmy's was closed (I mean it is christmas eve), we came back to my place and chatted over cups of tea and hot chocolate. It was nice. Nice to relax and not think about school. We also talked about how girls and guys often misinterpret each other. That was a pretty interesting conversation. I think all of us have had mixed messages at some point. Jane and Jim needed to be back for dinner so they left and took Rachel home.

After they were gone, I watched Whale Rider. It was good, but made me cry. But the DVD stopped working right at the climax of the movie, which was kinda annoying. We had to skip a couple of chapters to see the end. So maybe Rogers will give us a free rental or something...probably not but we can always hope.

Hopefully everyone has a great christmas day!

State: Great...
Music:Internet Radio Station found on Live 365 Mansion On the Hill (that's the name of the station)

Okay... wanted to post a couple of days ago when I first got into Edmonton but I didn't. So I guess I get to post now.

I got my hair cut and dyed tonight. It is a lot blonder than I thought it would be. I guess now I will fit into my house of blondies, although that isn't really what I was going for.

I passed my physiology exam. All this proves is that with a little bit of luck and knowledge, and some good guessing skills someone that doesn't know much can do well on a multiple choice exam. And while I am very happy with my mark, I realize the flaw in the system. I mean some people that actually know more than me might have done worse because of the genre of exam, where I know that if I had written a short or long answer exam I wouldn't have done as well, mainly because I didn't know enough to do well on that type of exam. The system tests whether one is good at multiple choice tests and often not what someone knows, and I think that is bad.But I guess there are no ideal tests. I mean multiple choice are hard to write, but easy to mark and short/long/essay question type exams are easier to write and harder to mark, but actually might test more. Personally, I think problem solving exams tests are the best. But those are hard to write too... Why do I think they are better? Because, if you happen to forget a detail but UNDERSTAND the material enough to apply it, you will still get part marks. I love that. My friend and I had a theory- that the more you know the worse you are at multiple choice, so less is often more. Which is sad. Anyhow... I've done my random run-on paragraph where I ramble about multiple choice exams now.

So.... what else do I have to talk about? I'm not sure. Oh- I'm blond now. I didn't mean to go this blond, but it happened. I have been told it looks good... so I think I'll just go with it. Woah- I talked about that before I rambled about multiple choice exams. I'm tired, I think I am going to head off to bed.

State: Grrrreat!


Update: So as Daley has pointed out, it is supposed to say Calgary... I think the blond might be going to my head ;)(j/k)

Just browsing the BBC and found this.

I thought it was cool... probably because I've been studying green fluorescent proteins and their many uses.

Okay... so this is a bit of a random post.

It's all over. Sigh... so happy!

Happy Holidays to everyone!

Perhaps I will write more later!

State: relieved
Song: Someday We'll Know

Procrastination is me.

So I found this link on Jeanine's blog for Origami Boulders. It may not be a joke, but I still find it funny...I love the first sentance of the site: "YOU BUY WADDED UP PAPER NOW!!!!" Classic.

I also did a quiz. Here were the results...

What eating utensil are you? Spork You are truly the king of all eating utensils.Although you aren't nearly as popular as the traditional utensils known as forks and spoons, you are more versatile. You are rounded like a spoon, allowing one to scoop liquids and soft foods, and at the same time feature tines at the end like a fork, allowing one to stab harder, more solid foods. Perhaps one day you will replace forks and spoons altogether.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

And I also checked out a website found on Craig's site... The Brick Testament.
Someone had a lot of time on their hands.

Okay... back to work. Really.

3 down, 2 to go.

I'm starting to lose my will to keep studying. But I will force myself. Otherwise I won't do well on these next two. And I know if I study, I can do well on the next two.

Sigh... nothing interesting to talk about.

All study and no play makes Lisa a dull girl.

Woah... genetics really is hard. I didn't know the meaning of hard before now. My brain hurts more than it has ever hurt previously. Genetics is as hard as biochem because at time it really just is biochem "in-disguise" with the word -ome tacked on the end for good measure.

So I hate biochem and I am essentially getting a degree in it. You see genetics doesn't exist. And neither does biochem really....

Fuck... I wish I could think of something other than SCIENCE OR GENETICS FOR AN HOUR OR EVEN A MINUTE... but they won't let me.

Woah I am starting to sound crazy so maybe I should stop. Yes stopping good. sleep good. goodnight.

State: incoherent

Ah... I can feel the characteristic I'll crammed for exams headache setting in. The one that tells me that it is indeed time to sleep on all of that information so that it is ready for retrieval the next day...

Right now, I can honestly say this: I FUCKING HATE GENETICS!

Pardon the language.

I realized studying today, that this degree is a means to an end. I want to do genetics, not to introduce stupid genes into places they shouldn't be. But to help people... diagnostics. Stuff like that. I am really hoping that the prof that I am looking into working for takes students because what he is working on is exactly what I could see myself doing with the degree.... click here

Anyhow... time for me to sleep.

State: Brain= Mush

I'm so glad Sarah and possibly Andrew are coming over to study genetics with me. Otherwise I'm not sure I could go on... my brain is started to rebel. To question my motives. To ask WHY, Lisa, WHY?

And I am starting to feel sick due to lack of knowing anything in certain subjects...

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. 3, 2, 1. Ah much better.

State: Slightly Panicked
Song: Random iTunes

One more day. One more full day of studying before the hell that will be the next four days commences. Am I ready? I'm pretty sure I'm not. But I will get through it.

On that note, I am going to go study some simple genomes. I am determined to finish round 1 of that stupid course today and I am sooo close. Only 7 concepts away. Too bad it is hard and it will probably take me awhile to do those 7 concepts.

State: Sick of studying... but must keep going
Song: Random classical

So the 10% rule does work... interesting.

State: Happy/OMG too much genetics!
Song: Random Radio

So today I was thinking about what I like about the week before exams. And you are probably thinking- what could someone like about the week leading up to exams? I mean, it is stressful, and all you do is, eat sleep and study? What can be so great about that?

As I ate some of the massive bean salad I made, I was thinking that one of the things I love most about the week before exams is the food I eat. I mean- rarely do I get to eat three meals at home during the school year. So you know what exams means? Hot food at lunch!!! And easy yet delicious food like tuna melts, pork and mushroom sauce with rice and vegetables, bean salad with veggie burgers... fruit, salads. Mmmm my mouth is watering as I write this. And I wonder why I gain 5 pounds during exam week... I am literally spending all my time eating sleeping and studying.

So really I had nothing else to write about... and really the only thing I think about other than school is eating... ah the basic needs. The only thing studying stops for...

State: sleepy
Song: Jack Johnson- Brushfire Fairytales

I wanted to post earlier, but blogger wasn't letting me. Sheesh... I've realised that I can be highly focused on something when I want to be. It is really too bad that the focus doesn't last for longer. Like today for example, I haven't had even the tiniest little bit of desire to go on MSN. And I actually know what is going on in Dr. Bad's class and realize that as long as I do a really good job studying for my simple genomes class there is enough overlap between the two classes that I should be able to make it work.

Just now, I went to see if my Cell Biology mark was up yet and it wasn't. So I was clicking through Dr. Harrington's list of web links and I found this website that does "Protein of the Month" features. From what I can tell, December's protein is Ubiquitin. A pretty cool protein... lol How geeky am I?

Anyhow... I should get back to work. As fun as this little break was :)

State: Pretty good
Song: Random Internet Radio I found at Live365

I finished the EVIL THING that was a grant proposal. And Dr. Bad wanted to give us an exam that consisted of him giving us a question and us writing a GRANT PROPOSAL! And the class gave a resounding NOOOOO! You know what that would involve?!?!?!?!??!

I'd have to spend the next 6 precious days researching and memorizing a 5(but with the modified margins) 8 page paper and writing it. SO HARD!

Anyhow... last night, I safewalked until 9:30... watch TV for like an hour with my roommates who were baked. I really wasn't in much of a better state yesterday. I mean, I was sleep-drunken all day! I don't even remember what went on in my classes yesterday... It's so bad! The whole day is like it never happened.

I am really frustrated with the program I am in. Especially, principles of gene manipulation. That has to be the CRAPPIEST most useless waste of my time course. I don't know... I want to change the way they structure classes. I don't even know where I would start to do something like that. Someone would probably tell me to become a teacher. Because then you could change it from the inside out. I don't know... listen to me yammering...

Anyhow... I need to go make my study schedule.

State: Much more rested!

What the fuck was I thinking leaving this until the NIGHT BEFORE?!?!?!?!?

Obviously, I wasn't thinking. It will be a MIRACLE if I actually pull this off and get a decent mark. A MIRACLE!

Off to second cup to purchase caffeine. It's going to be a long night.

State: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ignore this post!

MMM1
MMM2
MDM10
MDM12
MIP1
ABF2

So... this weekend was pretty good. Friday, I went out with Aja to her Water Polo fundraiser party. That was lots of fun...

Saturday, I was mad at myself because I hardly did anything. I actually got pretty upset at myself. Grr... And that night I had some weird/scary nightmare that I was in a bus that decided it was going to run the yellow light, but the car in front, a red convertable with its top down, decided it was going to stop and the bus basically just plowed right into it sending it into traffic to the left of it. It was horrible... the sounds *shudders*, I hope I never hear anything like it in real life!

Today was highly productive. I got up at 8:30 am... finished my laundry,shovelled snow, ate breakfast and ate lunch. Spent from 11:30 to 3:30 at Second Cup working on my Grant proposal and finishing up my study notes for cell biology. Went to the gym from 4:00 until 5:30. Ate supper and then I wrote my intro for my grant proposal. 1 page down, 4 to go...

I was pretty happy today. Something about the snow put me in a good mood and I don't know why. Probably because some sick, canadian part of me really loves winter. I'm not a big christmas music fan, but it was kind of nice to study to it today in Second Cup. It reminded me that once I make in through exams I'm going home for a bit. And that is exciting.

My roommate Lindsay from last year sent me an article called: "A Great Place to Leave" about how some guy from Edmonton has moved to Victoria and likes it there better than he liked it here. Now some other guy wrote back and said that he likes living in Calgary better than living in Victoria and that one was called: Why I left the Coast(once you are there you'll have to click on Opinions.It probably won't be there long as it is from December 1st and the website doesn't seem to archive). You'll notice that the rebuttal is sent from someone living in Calgary... and really doesn't say much about Edmonton being a great place. On that note, I can't wait to get back to Calgary. I guess the two things I like most about Edmonton are 1) the University and 2) the People I have met here. And pretty much other than that, the city really hasn't given me a lot to fall in love with. The University is pretty much its own city within a city where I have gotten to know many great people. Other than leaving those people behind when I am done, I won't miss Edmonton. So for me... Edmonton will always be : "A Great Place to Leave".

Well I should go to bed so I can get many quality hours of studying done tomorrow!

State: Happy I was so productive
Song: Random Christmas music

So I guess I didn't post after page 6. Well, I am sure you can guess that the paper was finished and handed in on Wednesday. YAY! Except that I have another one due on the 8th. And for some reason, I am thinking that it will be easier. HA! More like WAAAAAAAY harder.

I really don't have much to say. I was going to tell some stupid story about how I really wanted cookies and I didn't think there were any in my cupboard and just as I was about to give up there was a GIANT box of digestive cookies or Maria cookies sitting back there all by themselves. They have been there since I moved in, but now that I have rediscovered them, I doubt they will last past exam week. Wow... I just did tell the stupid story about the cookies.

Oh... another story. Last night, at safewalk, my partner and I had an LRT walk. This means we take the LRT with the client and walk them to their house. So we did and it was all fine and dandy until we go to go back to school. We couldn't find Grandin station. It didn't help that it was dark, and it was the first time I had ever gotten off at Grandin. We found the parliament building, which actually looks quite pretty at night. Once we found ourselves on Jasper Ave. and 110 St. I was like... I know if we walk to 108 St we will hit Corona station- because I have been there countless times. So we walked to Corona and headed back to the school. It was funny because once we looked at a map we were practically right in front of Grandin and didn't see it.

anyhow... I am going to study physiology and finish what I said I would for cell biology. I'm just happy those two course are fairly interrelated right now.

State: Full from supper... which despite its simplicity was wonderful.
Song: Float on- Modest Mouse

6 pages down 2 to go... man this is exciting. Well not really. I'm just excited that I am not going to be up all night doing this paper. Crazy, but true. I can hardly believe it myself. Must be the frantic assignment finishing atmosphere of this Engg lab.

State: Still going(amazing considering how little sleep I had last night)

5 pages down... 3 to go... it's getting easier. I really should just come here for my next paper because I have gotten more done in 3 hours here, than I did all WEEKEND! And it is going a lot faster. Mind you I still have to look up the silly references every time someone cites someone else... but I have read so many articles now, that it is becoming second nature.

Anyhow... mini break over! Back to work!!!

State: Oddly motivated to write!

I am officially half-done writing my paper.

WOO HOO! At this rate I should be done by I don't know... but it took me an hour to write the last page so it should only take me another FOUR HOURS to write the rest! How wonderful!

And yes... I realize that is slow. But I don't think I'll be up all night, and *gasp* I might even be able to edit it! Sweet!

State: Tired, but enjoying the intellectual/frantic energy of this engineering computer lab I am working in.

I'm so mad right now. Fuck, I could kill my roommate right now. For the second night in a row she has had people over until ungodly hours of the night. I know I sound like an old biddy, but when you are trying to sleep so you can get up early to go to school and work having people play a loud game of cheat in the room next to you is not very pleasant. So I went to bed at 11:30 pm last night so I that I could be up by 7:00 and at school by eight and have a good 3 hours before class to work on my paper. But the nimrods in the next room saw to it that that didn't happen. I was nicely asleep by about 12:00 am... at 1:15 am they come crashing in, and I don't think they could have been any louder. Needless to say, I was awake from 1:15 until 4:00 am and I am writing this at home, because obviously I didn't make it up in time. I need to have stamina for staying up all night tonight...even though I said I wouldn't do that. You are probably thinking- well if they were up all night, why didn't you just stay up all night last night, and finish your paper. I don't know... lets just say it doesn't work that way.

Now that I am done my rant... I think i will head off to school. Hopefully I calm down a little, because I don't enjoy being this mad at people.

State: Tired and Mad because it isn't my fault.
song: World on Fire- Sarah McLachlan

That's it... I am grounded to the library until Friday.

And then Friday will be the last time I go out until after exams...

Then it is back to the library...

Why can't I sleep? Why? I didn't even have a fun reason for being awake tonight. I simply can't sleep. So this is what it is like to have insomnia. I always wondered, well not really. I think I am finally stressed out. If that makes any stress, I mean sense. This paper I am writing is stressing me out. I was half tempted to get high with my roommate tonight. But that really wouldn't help things at all. In the short run, maybe. But not in the long run. Drugs and alcohol are merely escape tactics, and rarely help the problem and generally aggrevate it.

I did get some work done on my paper though. Not as much as I originally thought I would get done, but I now know how to go about organizing it so that all I have to do is sit down and put all of the research into my own words. I think I have too much information right now, but it is much easier to cut stuff out, than it is to add stuff in when you don't have anything else to say.

So I am hoping that once I fall asleep and sleep for awhile I am functional tomorrow. Because I need to get stuff done tomorrow. I hate not being able to sleep. Fuck it is frustrating. I like sleeping.

This is a pretty pointless point, but I think everyone gets the point: Lisa just wants to sleep.

State: Insomnia apparently
Song: Trouble Sleeping- The Perishers

I know I said I wouldn't post before the 3rd, but I am simply too excited right now to study so I figured I would share my excitement and then go study.

Okay- so we were talking today(Me, Aja, Sarah T. & Sarah K.) and apparently Sarah T.'s mom is going to look for tickets for us to go down to Cuba after New Years!!! And even if we don't go to Cuba- Aja and Sarah T. will mostly likely come down to Calgary for New Years!!!! So that should be crazy fun... this means I get to both see my high school friends and my university friends for New Years. SO EXCITED!!!

Okay- back to studying :)

State: excited but needs to focus.

So, this weekend was good. Friday, I went to an open house at the Cross Cancer center. I am actually thinking maybe I might want to do that. Cancer research that is. But I am not sure... I mean what I am trying to say is I am not sure about anything. I mean, last year that bothered me, but this year it doesn't and I really don't know why. Nor do I care. I guess it is because at the begining of this year, I told myself I would decide whether I was doing my degree in four or five year in the first two weeks. I guess I decided four. But that is only if I don't do IIP. Right now... if I can get myself a summer job in a lab, I am not doing IIP and I am finishing my degree in four and applying to everything I want to apply... if not I will do IIP and yeah. They basically told us- that if you make an effort to talk to the profs before you apply for some of the positions they are more likely to accept you. I just need them to look past my marks and see my enthusiasm.

Also on Friday, I went to Pharos for lasagna with Sarah. That was fun. After that, I hung out with my roommates and watched Envy. I guess you could say it was a typical Ben Stiller comedy. Fairly ridiculus... but somewhat amusing.

On Saturday, I did fairly little in the way of work. But I did get all of my laundry done. And I talked to my cousin Kris. That was nice... we are pretty close considering we only talk to each other a couple of times a year. I am actually thinking of going to visit him sometime. I'm not sure when... but sometime.

Monday, I met with Rachel after school. We went for coffee (for Rachel) and hot chocolate for me. We sat down and talked about everything under the sun. It was nice. Some very philosophical conversation... but I need that every once and awhile. Too much science will make your head explode. Just like mine will after these next four weeks are over. But then I can kick back and relax... and not worry about DNA, RNA, or how to manipulate it, isolate it and characterize it. YAY! Until next term... Don't get me wrong, I like what I am studying. And at the same time I find it really dry. I mean lately, all we've studied is techniques. That is hard on a person who would rather do some techniques and learn about them that way than read about them for three different courses. Gag me.

Okay- and for my last night of freedom (tonight) I went to The Incredibles with Aja and Sarah. It was excellent. So good. I highly recommend it. Honestly one fo the best movies that Pixar has come out with for awhile.

I had some cool thing to talk about, but I can't remember what I had been thinking about to post... but it is gone now. All I know is that the amount of work I have left myself to do makes me feel sick inside. Barf.

Oh yeah- I remember. I want some time off school. I am sick of studying and I just want to work for a year and then go back. But that wasn't everything... oh well. For you addicts out there- this is your fix for awhile. I am honestly going out of commission for a little bit, but I might come back on the 3rd of December to post. That is my next day of freedom... so you never know. And maybe if I have a breakdown before then... but I am not planning on it.

Time for sleep.

State: how did I dig myself this deep?
Song: Float On- Modest Mouse

Well...I just forgot what I was going to write about. So I'll just talk about how at 11:30 last night I decided I needed to bake myself a batch of oatmeal cookies. These had to be some of the best cookies (other than my skor bar cookies) that I have ever made. I didn't even follow a recipe. I guess I started with a recipe, tried to half it but forgot to half the eggs so my batter was really runny, so I just kept adding oatmeal and flour unti I got it to the right consistancy. Then I baked them, until they weren't quite cooked - the point that probably would have failed you in foods class, and taste best once you've let them sit. Mmmm so good.

So I got a lot of work done today. Who knows if I know enough for the quiz tomorrow. I'm not going to stress myself out- it's only worth 5 %. I got 100% on the self-test for the part of chapter 2 that we covered in class without even looking at it so yeah. I think I might just go over all the techniques again and make sure I know them inside and out and I should be good to go.

I'm not really looking forward to the weekend, because I know how much I need to get done. I have two papers to write (something I am not used to doing). And I want to study my physiology because I know nothing right now. So I decided it would be best if I didn't go out this weekend. As much fun as I know Bar None will be, I first of all can't afford to go and secondly I need to work. If I get all my work done this weekend, I can reward myself by going to a movie on Tuesday with Aja and maybe Sarah (the one in Cuba)and who ever else we get to come with us. It will be my post-weekend weekend?

I had more interesting things to talk about, but now they are gone. Oh wait- that is right. I have decided that MSN is a procrastinator's heroin. It is. And I am an addict. So... yeah. I guess I fell off the wagon, because I had my habit under control for awhile. And I've gone chronic again... but no more. Chronic use that is.

Anyhow, as we speak I am procrastinating. Darn.

State: Meh... I'm not about to like studying now
Song: Love of the Loveless- Eels

Kill me now. I wanted to poke my eyes out today. I love genetics, but I have found out through having TWO classes on it today that I HATE genomics. Some of you out there are probably like, WTF- aren't they pretty much the same thing? No, not really. When you study genomics it is studying an organisms whole set of genes and sequencing and using computers to find the genes from the sequences. BORING! Well at least to me that is. For me, it isn't so much where the genes are on the chromosome that facinates me, but what those genes do. And I don't mind gene regulation nearly as much as I thought. It is looking really good beside my two genomics classes. yuck... so I have decided that I am not nearly interested enough in genomics/yeast to study this stuff at home, so I am banishing myself to the library for the next little while.

Anyhow...that's all my news. Oh, and I wish this guy in my class was single, because he is totally cute, old enough (as in older than me :))and funny. What more could a girl ask for? Oh right, he is not single that is what is missing.

Well I am going to call it a night...

Song: You got me all wrong- Dios
State: grrr genomics suck, good otherwise

Last night, I wrote my annotated bibliography and it wasn't so bad. And when I was looking to make sure I have everything I need- I saw that the quiz on friday is only worth 5%.

I saw my Dad yesterday. That was nice... I was kind of hoping I'd talk to him/see him this weekend.

I guess I'm still impressed with Di's engineering boys. I think it is because a lot of the guys in science are very "pre-med" and seem to have forgotten how to have fun. And they(the engg guys) still get impressive marks. So it just goes to show, you can go out and have fun and still get good marks. Only if you work hard in between though. That mean, starting today I am studying everyday, so that I can go out on friday or Saturday guilt free. Because I have really slacked off, and I am pretty sure it is going to show in the next two marks I get back. I probably need this kick in the ass to get me going again.

State: ready to get my ass in gear...
Song: Trouble Sleeping- The Perishers

Okay- so I don't know how I am awake right now or feeling as good as I am right now... but boy am I happy.

So, last night started off at home when I watched my roommates drink some absinthe they brought back from Amsterdam. That was funny, because Lindsay doesn't like the taste of black licorice and that is what it tastes like so she had to plug her nose and take little sips.

Then, I went to Theater Sports with Aja, Sarah and a bunch of their friends. We also managed to get Eric to come- which is awesome because we have been trying to get him to come for like a year now and finally he has. Theater sports was okay tonight- the ring of shame was brought out. That's the first time I have seen the ring of shame.

Sarah and I were hungry and almost went to get pizza, but then we decided we should go home and get some sleep. And she dropped me off at home- to an then empty house. This was at about 1:30 am.

At my house, I decided it would be a good idea too cook rice and eat it with the curry I made. It turned out to be a great idea... I ate my curry and rice and Lindsay came home and we chatted for a bit. I wasn't really tired though. And I was kind of hyper from theater sports. Di's engineer friends came home and that is when the party kind of started over here. Then they decided to go back to the party, because that was where the beer was.But apparently it was getting lame over there so they brought a juice jug from our place and a salad bowl from the keg party and filled them up with beer and brought them over here.

We then proceeded to play air hockey, watch more engg week video and drink beer into the wee hours of the morning. Started watching Finding Nemo at 5:30 am... but didn't make it through the whole thing- I went to bed at 6:30 am. good times. And lookee here- I am already awake and studying. I have no idea how.

Anyhow... back to learning about blood and forming ideas of how to characterize the proteins that anchor the mtDNA to the inner membrance. Stupid mini grant proposal. Mind you, I have a topic now and three papers I can annotate so I am pretty much good to go.

State: Awesome- I'm still amazed at my awakeness.
Song: Hold on- Sarah McLachlan

Okay... so I am still awake. But I had fun tonight and that is all that matter. Fuck, I don't know how I am going to work on physiology all day tomorrow, but I will.

I should sleep before I feel like I can't... so tired nothing makes sense.

State: Woah
Song: Wrong Way-Sublime

I don't know how I crammed all the time in my first two years of university. It's hard.

anyhow... I must get back to the cramming.... or I won't get the mark I want on this exam.

State: Frantically trying to memorize random details I'll be able to look up in a book in the future...
Music: Cramming music of course (drum roll).... iTunes Classical Radio

So, when I was sick of studying cells last night, I started to do what I always do when I am bored with what I am studying: Read the Calendar. And I found this really cool course. I really want to take it, but it is likely that it is at the same time as a seminar I have next year unless they change the times, which they usually don't because that is the way things work for me. All the options I want to take area always at the same time of as my required courses. The course was: MLSCI 480: Molecular Genetic Approaches to the Study and Diagnosis of Disease. I think it sounds really cool... but anyhow. I should go finish getting ready and such.

State: I'll be happy when tomorrow is over.
Song: Konstantine- Something Corporate

This is going to be a short post. But, before I start my quest to knowing all there is (well all my lecture notes say) about cells, phage and plasmids, I'd like to say that I had the MOST awesome time I have had in a long time at a party. So much fun... more fun than any night out drinking at the bar- more my kind of fun. Not that I don't enjoy drinking- but I prefer to do it in moderation, whilst doing other things.

Sarah and I were already really hyper before we left to go. And we couldn't find the bus stop upon exit of Corona station, so we called Sarah (another Sarah) and asked her to come pick us up. Then the bus we thought we had missed, passed her on her way to pick us up, so we looked really stupid. Then, Aja showed up with the Juice and we made the rum punch. It was quite tasty. So we all chatted awhile, mingled eating all of the wonderful snacks people brought (mmm baked goods). Then the Cranium game started. I honestly have never played that wild of a cranium game before. It was crazy! And we really hadn't had that much to drink!!! We are just crazy naturally. Anyhow... the quiet team (relative to the rest of us) won. Then we had some pizza, and people started to head out. The remaining people stayed and played dice. I love dice- it is such a good game.

But people were getting tired so we didn't make it to 10 000. So almost everyone left- except for me, Aja and Sarah. We talked and the decided to watch Pirates of the Carribean at 2 am... I slept through most of it woke up at 4 and talked with Aja until 5- and fell asleep at around 5:45 am. We woke up around 10 ish and got out of the futon (of love) at around 10:30... cleaned up and headed home.

If only every party could be that fun. I want to do something like that for New Years with my friends. Like- crazy but not going out to some bar and getting smashed. But I don't want to be in bed like 10 minutes past midnight. I'm not sure all my friends have the kind of stamina for that. We'll just have to make them sleep all day so they can keep up.

Anyhow... I am going to go shower. I'm so pumped to study now it isn't even funny!!!!! :)

State: Uber happy :) and pumped to study!!! lol

No one appreciates the bad profs until a more horrible one comes along.

Dr. Adames may have been/is a bad prof. There is no denying that. But Dr. Good is an absolutely HORRIBLE prof. I decided this as Sarah and I were trying to go through his notes on lambda cloning vectors and all the different types. Honestly, all I could give him for the exam right now it regurgitate of his notes which is not what he is going to ask- which is what worries me. But he doesn't give us enough information to apply any of the knowledge to a novel situation. Fuck- it's frustrating. Right now, I am using my textbook and notes from Genetics 270, and my notes from Genetics 301 and 304 to try and understand my notes for his class and I still can't. Well, I can't say I don't understand them. No- I do understand them. I just haven't being given the background to understand why it is all important.

Anyhow- I should get back to work. I have another two good hours to study for my cell biology exam, which won't be tricky- I just need to know everything that is in my notes. After the studying, I am going to my friend Sarah's for a party. Cranium fun awaits:)

State: meh

I can't believe I am still awake.
I know it is only 1:18 am.
Fucking plasmids.

State: Irritated
Song: Here's Where I Stand- CAMP soundtrack

Not to take away from my last post- but I almost forgot to add this quote that amused me today. It is from a forward called Zen Sarcasm.

Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

goodnight :)

As most of you probably have already heard- mini-humans have been discovered on the Island of Flores. I first came across this article: What does it mean to be human? on the BBC news website and I found it to be fascinating. Then I noticed it was a rebuttal to Desmond Morris' article Eton or the zoo?. I found both to be very interesting and kind of reminded me of debates I never got involved in high school.

I've decided- more than once I think, that I am bad at flirting. I could just kick myself sometimes with the things I say. I get so nervous and start talking a mile a minute. Sigh, as such I tend to only attract people I am not interested in. Probably because I am not really nervous around them... and act more flirty- they misinterpret and I am left to let them down. So I did a web search on flirting and I came up with the Social Issues Research Center's Guide to Flirting. It is pretty detailed and I think I will try it tomorrow. I mean I have nothing to lose. If anything, he'll read me wrong and I'll end up with another good friend.

But I am not really sure about this whole attractiveness level thing... I mean the websites says to women if you think you aren't that attractive, you probably are more attactive than you think you are. But really how do you ever know how attractive you are? I mean, I don't think I am that attractive. I am definately not one of those girls that turns head as I walk by, but I guess I don't think I am ugly either. Average I guess you could say? Anyhow- that is enough narcissism for one night. I think I am going to look at some study stuff for a bit.

State: Good... but frustrated with myself :(
Song: Possesion- Sarah McLachlan

So it turns out watching election results is, well, addictive. I'm not sure how something manages to be both boring and mesmerizing at the same time. Probably because I didn't understand how the whole electoral college voting system worked. For those of you who are as confused as I was this is a good website.

Anyhow... I think I might go to bed now. Yes I know that I don't know the results yet. I think I can wait until tomorrow.

Good night everyone :)

State: Unproductive :(
Song: Caring is Creepy- The Shins

I really like this song- Wild Horses. I have just found out that it is originally by the Rolling Stones. It was really bugging me. So much so that I couldn't sleep.

My fav. version (it seems everyone and their dog has covered this song) is the one from the Camp Soundtrack.

Anyhow, I am going to go to bed now.

State: Pretty happy
Song: Caring is Creepy- the Shins

As I as write this scientists have been given permission to do this. What does everyone think about this?

Ever since I started posting regularly, I can't seem to stop. Oh well, I'm sure that eventually I will and then I'll start up again like I always do. This post will not be nearly as long or as philosophical as the last one- sorry my brain already hurts from studying the endomembrane system/lab stuff for my non-lab course all day.

Saturday was good. I didn't get much done though. I went to the gym, puttered around the house for awhile and did some laundry. Wow. It sounds really boring when you put it that way. Then I went to my friend Princess' house and we watched the movie Igby Goes Down. It was pretty good- or at least I enjoyed the sick and twistedness of the movie.

Today, I woke up and I thought it was 10:45 so I got up- but it was really only 9:45 as my computer informed me. So I called my mom to make sure... and sure enough today is the day we switch back to standard time. So then I putted around for an extra hour and Princess called and invited me over to study. I made my way over to her house and proceeded to get gobs of studying done.

Anyhow... I am now dead tired and so I will sleep :)

State: good, indeed.
Song: Gone- Switchfoot

So, I am sitting here, eating ice cream for breakfast, thinking about some of the things that Aja, Sarah and I, talked about last night at Pharoes. I mean normally- we are not the philosophizing type- the depth of our conversations usually don't get any deeper than: "He's hot- you should jump him!" or talking about some geeky science thing.

Well last night, we were just sitting there, finishing up our lasagnas and it was either Aja or Sarah that asked, "What is the point of life?"

I know- that is probably the most clichéd thing that either of them could have brought up- but I think it is one thing that often crosses our mind. I mean, why are we here? This convesation could have gone on for awhile- but it didn't. I think it is because we all like the idea that even though you can find out a lot about something works, why something is there etc. there will always be something that remains unknown. Something, that no matter how many theories they put out on it, there are things that science will never find any evidence to support. Probably because we aren't supposed to find out. I agree with Aja and Sarah- I kind of hope we never find everything out. Call it anti-science- but yeah. I hope we never discover how to genetically engineer humans. I guess it just creeps me out. I'm all for discovering what causes a lot of genetic disorders- but I guess it is all about where do you draw the line? I don't think human beings should be cloned either. Again- creepy. Don't ask me for anymore reasons than that.... I can't really descibe why- but to me it just seems intuitively wrong.

So then, this morning- I was reading this entry and he got me thinking some more. The first part of this entry that inspired me what this:

What does it mean when I say that I want to be the real me? Seeing how I am someone who always changes, is it possible to pin down an element of me that is always "real", always "me". We all change, don't we? Are we not dynamic creatures?

So how do we know what the "real us" is? What defines who we really are? I mean my thoughts and views have changed over the years, but has that changed who I am? To me, I always feel like the same person- changed but at the same time the same. For example, I used to be totally against drinking in high school. This was probably because everyone that was drinking around me (underage at that) was drinking for the wrong reasons, and abusing alcohol at that. Now I have a much more liberal view on alcohol: use it, but don't abuse it. That probably came from more positive experiences. But because this view has changed, has this changed who I am? It may have changed some other people's perception of me, but to me it doesn't define who I am. That leads me to the question- do experiences define who we are? Because in our society we are often judged based on experiences we have or haven't had. People judge us and assume stuff about us just becuase we belong to a certain group, or in the past have acted in a certain way. But do any of these "experiences" matter when it comes to defining the "real" you?

Which leads me to the next thing that found to be really true:

You cannot bare yourself and be open in front of those internet crowds, probably because you worry too much about what they think.

I worry too much about what people will think about me when I write stuff on here and therefore I often censor my thoughts, opinions and even my experiences because I guess I don't want to ruin a certain "image" I have. I am afraid that people will judge me because I did something they never thought I would do or acted "out of character" to what they think I am like. I really shouldn't be afraid of this judgement and I should be able to share all of my experiences... but I can't. Maybe only a select few people are meant to know the "real you", or maybe no one seeing as I cannot even define exactly who I am at this moment. Maybe it is one of the mysteries of life.... that we will never truly know. I know that I reveal and conceal information from people based on what I want them to know of me. I've shown different facets of myself to various different people based on what I have felt confortable sharing... but at this moment, I'm pretty sure I haven't shown anyone everything. And you know what: I am okay with that.

State: Oddly philosophical
Song: (from last night times 2) Sex Bomb- Tom Jones

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I passed 304! oh yeah! And not just with 50%... no with 69%!!!

Anyhow... I'm sure i'll be really excited about that until I realize that class average is 69%... then I won't be happy. But for now- I am happy I passed!

I'm going to theater sports tonight and Pharoes it is going to rock!!!

State: Slightly Elated!

When my alarm clock startled me awake this morning I was positive I had really made a mistake and it was really Saturday. I almost turned it off and rolled back over to continue my really weird dream ( which was fun too).

So here I am all ready to go... for a class I don't really even like anymore. I hate how a prof can either make or break a course. I mean, if I didn't love genetics as much as I do, I probably would have dropped 304.

Well I better get going... I want to leave early enough so I have time to chat people up before my class.

State: annoyed it isn't saturday
Song: I'm only sleeping- the Beatles

hmmm... I got asked to go to banff and stay at a hostel with this guy in my Cell Biology class. The first thing that popped into my head was no way- this guy annoys me. At the same time, for some reason I am physically attracted to him. It's strange. Anyhow... I said no. Lindsay thought I should just use him for his body lol... tempting but no. I may be sexually frustrated, but not enough to jump an annoying boy from my class. I say boy because he is probably at least 2 years younger than me.

I'm sure it is pure coincidence, but my horoscope for the week points at these travel possibilities:

Aries - (March 21-April 19)
A month of mystery begins. Subconscious urges burst to the surface; you'll feel greed and lust, you'll learn secrets and uncover valuable data; you'll diagnose situations and people's motives. You'll see, and later you'll understand. Examine your own motives, make sure they're unsullied by even a small smudge of selfishness. That said, some great stuff can come: your inspiration and luck soar high in government and employment zones Sunday/Monday, you impress someone deeply Monday/Tuesday, and a great friend, potential mate or travel opportunity might arrive Friday night or Saturday!

Actually... a lot of that is true subconscious urges= sexual frustration... anyhow, I'll leave it at that.

But Daley- you will be happy to know I have a plan of action (with numerous- backup plans and backup for the backup plans). Something will go down before the 5th (if even only the day before the 5th- yay genetics mixer!).

Anyhow... that's all I will say about that.

I really don't know why I am still up- but I have been more productive tonight. I am proud of myself. I guess you could say I needed some time off from the studying. I took a "brain break" and I feel refreshed and ready to study. I plan to have all my study notes for my two exams that are a long ways away (as done as I can make them) by the end of the weekend.

Anyhow... I should sleep. Really.

State: Good
Song: My Number- Tegan and Sara

So I wanted to write last night, but blogger wouldn't let me sign in when I had all the stuff I wanted to say in my head. Unfortunately, it is all gone now.

I really don't remember what I wanted to write although I think sometime last night for about the millionth time ever- I discovered the meaning of life. But now it is gone and therefore I will undoubtedly have to discover it again.

Ah, I safewalked tonight. The guy I walked with was funny. He didn't like quantum mechanics in chem either. He found it hard to believe there are "waves of eletrons" surrounding the nucleus of an atom. He likened studying quantum mechanics to studying faeries- you can't see them but you know they exist. Or something like that. It was a lot funnier when he said it.

Anyhow... I spent time today working on my topic for my grant proposal. No, not a real grant proposal. A fake one that I have to do all the work I would do if I were actually going to work on what I propose I am. But I am not... so it is kind of anticlimatic. So far, I think I am doing something on mitochondria and apotosis- programmed cell death. But it is still early. I have a good month to write the paper I am surprised I have already started.

I have really cut back this year on the procrastination. It's amazing how much less stressed out one is when they do not procrastinate like I did last year. AMAZING!

Anyhow... I have nothing really important to say... so I will leave this at -well- this.

State: Pretty good
Book: Science review

So think I fixed the problems my blog was having in Firefox and virtually every other browser except for Safari. Those of you who use Firefox- if you could tell me if it is fixed or not that would be great :)

I was/am really excited today for no apparent reason.

I had a midterm today and I think it might have gone well. Which is good... yay mitochondria. And I even made an appointment to meet with the Prof I want to supervise me next year. So that is good :)

So yeah... I am going to do lots of work tomorrow. Really I am... I was just too excited to sit still today so there was no point in making myself sit still and do work in the library when I felt like this.

Oh and Bonnie from work called and apparently things bad things are happening at work... she asked if I would be a reference for my boss which is kind of weird but I said okay. Apparently she is being accused of a whole bunch of things she didn't do. ANYHOW... that really sucks for her. But she is not getting fired or anything. I think that the person that accused her of everything might get fired though. Crazy stuff going on...

Anyhow... I don't have much to say. No midterms for like 14 days :)

State: Happy :)
Song: Piggies and You've Got to Hide Your Love Away - The Beatles

Question of the moment: What posseses all profs in genetics to name fictive organisms after the class in which the test is being given? For example: Geneticus threeohonius or Geneticus threeoninius?

Hmmm... Can't they think of anything a little more creative? My 207 prof was creative. yay LOTR exam!

anyhow... back to work.

I'm taking a little study break. I don't feel so hot. So therefore all you get for the update is this quiz result:

You rule. in 15 years, you won't be as known as you
are now, but most of the people that will know
you then will like you (or else I'll beat them
with a stick). You're nice to listen to.


What band from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Until next time...

State: I hope I don't have food poisoning...
Song: Where is my mind?- The Pixies

So much for going to bed early tonight... I was really hoping my roommate and her friends would have headed out earlier, but alas I was not in luck. Mind you, they were entertaining. I managed to avoid beer-bonging... which was good. I didn't really feel like it- not the most enjoyable way to drink a beer.

Anyhow... I should go to bed, because you know- I have to learn a shit load about mitochondria tomorrow.

State: tired....
Song: Bad Day-Something Corporate (except it wasn't really a bad day... except I feel a little sad now that I couldn't go tonight)

DR. ADAMES MUST DIE!!!!!

He has fulfilled all rumors about himself from what he has pulled with the exam he wrote us. I am more than mad, I am FUMING, no ENRAGED!

There was basically ONE QUESTION- worth 24 marks for his portion of the exam.(ie- 50% of the exam, 15% of my final grade) I say that because... if you didn't get the first part right .... there was pretty much no way to get marks on the rest. Fucking asshole. Everyone I talked to after said they found it horrible too. At least the other half of the exam was fair.

So yeah... I kinda liked the little quizzes Steph posted on her website so I decided to do them and post them....

How to make a Lisa

Ingredients: 5 parts competetiveness 3 parts brilliance 5 parts instinct

Method: Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of curiosity

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Your Icecream Flavour is...Neopolitan!

You aren't satisfied with just one flavor. They say variety is the spice of life and this shines through in your Ice cream of choice! Just don't eat all the chocolate and leave the strawberry and vanilla behind!

What is your Icecream Flavour?

Find out at Go Quiz

And that is all for now... maybe I'll make myself a grocery list and finally go shopping!

State: Peripherally Mad- Just don't say the words MIDTERM, GENETICS 304, anything GENETICS RELATED TO ME... and you'll be fine.
Song: Bad Day- Something Corporate

I'm in a rut as far as marks go... not a bad rut, just a not good rut. You know? Maybe not... Hmmm. Ah whatever...

I was thinking about going to my friend Sarah's Halloween party as Hermione- but then I decided that one really wouldn't require too much of a costume. And yeah....

I had more to talk about , but I can't think of it anymore. Damn...

Oh- I managed to talk in class today. I think I managed to get an 8.75/10 in participation. Considering I am pertrified of speaking in front of that many people I think I did well. I even got the question right. And I was all shaking and I could bearly write after. Mild phobia really... Groups of 40 or less I have no problem speaking in but as soon as you double that number I am a wreck.

Oh well...

I should get to bed...

Goodnight :)

So guess you can say I had a fun weekend. My roommates and I went out to Cook County last night and I have to say- I have never been out to a more cowboy places. Very country. I didn't really like the music... and yeah. Thankfully, we left at 12:30 to come home, because the music was starting to get to me. More fun was had at home anyhow... ;) I when to bed around 2:33 (lol)... I didn't fall asleep right away. It was weird because I'd look at my clock like every 3 minutes and it would feel like an hour had passed... anyhow... I think I fell asleep around 3:00 am.

In other equally boring news, I spent the rest of my time this weekend studying. So I guess I am going to head off to the library to study some more. I am really scared for my next midterm. I think it is going to be really hard.

Until I have more exciting news (which will probably be never)...

State: Tired, and yet not

So in the spirit of stupid quizes... I did the one on colours on Daley's site, and didn't agree with the colour so I went to quizzila and pick a new stupid quiz, which may in fact win for stupiest quiz ever. But it is probably true so I'll post it anyhow.


I'm boring


why is YOUR livejournal annoying?
brought to you by Quizilla

State: meh- I hate participating in class and thus will probably get a big fat zero in participation and therefore I'm sad

Hmm... so here is the question of the night: Why is Lisa NOT stressed out about school? The only thing I can think that it might be is that I have NO LABS and therefore NO ASSIGNMENTS. This means I actually have TIME to do my homework. It is an amazing thing really. I have TIME to keep up with my readings. And because I am not spending all my time in the lab I have time to study for my midterms. Crazy this time thing. Most of the time I feel like I still don't have enough though. I still put off stuff in my classes. For all I know, I am doing really crappy right now in school...

Anyhow... enough about that. I had a fun day today. I wrote a Biol 201 midterm (cell biology) - I hesitate to say it was easy- because I am not sure on how I did... but I think it went okay. And then after- I went to the mall with Aja and Sarah (red haired one for those of you who know who I am talking about). I bought some kick ass jeans... then we went to Jill's dinner party. That was AWESOME!!! I am so full though... great food and tons of it. But we seemed to have a thing for dips... lol.

Anyhow... I can't believe what a change it is from last year. I actually like my courses this year. Like last year- I couldn't believe how much better 2nd classes were from 3rd year classes. And those weren't even that good. I mean I hated biochem with a passion. And this year the only course I'm not super keen on is cell bio... but that is because I have taken most of the stuff before in my other classes. Learning about cell membranes and how phosphlipids are synthesized is good like maybe once.... but 3 times over... it gets a little dry.

So I guess I'll go read my journal article I have to read for tomorrow...

Goodnight!!!

State: happy
Song: Wild Horses

So I was studying in the Harry Potter library (ie Rutherford North) today... and Sarah my genetics buddy came and we had a gay old study time.

We realized something VERY important about the course we were studying. Its called Genetics 390: Principles of Gene Manipulation. So we are sitting there, talking about different stuff you can do to DNA and we both came to the same WONDERFUL CONCLUSION! Every technique in the WHOLE freaking course involves taking was we know about DNA stability and messing it up so that we can in turn do what we want with the DNA. Anyhow... this makes my life a whole LOT easier. At first I didn't see how it was all connected, but BAM tonight I saw the light and it all makes sense. I feel like I can do any problem he throws my way! Sigh... it might just be enough.

Sigh... so in other news, i bought myself a genetics t-shirt today. That's right... you know you are a genetics geek when you wear a double helix on your shirt. Anyhow... they are actually pretty nice this year.... mine is going to be white with red sleeves :)

Woah... and I think I like someone. And I think I need to rest my mind muscle, because I feel like if I don't soon, I am not going to sleep...

State: Woah major neural activity done today....

P.S.- Chad and I decided people go into genetics because they are scared of math... I think it is true. I mean who else, but a geneticist would decide that we don't need anymore chemistry (inorganic)(ie-math-y chemm) after first year-- when all the biochem, microbiology, cell biology ect. people need to take it.... hmmm its not like what they are doing is so different from what we are doing.

Okay... so I thought I would do a quick post before I headed off to bed. But it has totally slipped my mind on what I wanted to post about... darn.

Anyhow... I really like the Amelie soundtrack. Especially to study to...

Goodnight and maybe I'll find something more useful to post about later.

So... I guess I didn't do as badly on that quiz as I thought I would. 80% isn't too shabby. I would have been happy with that is high school... and it was a good 10% above class average so yay!

Anyhow... so I decided that warranted a night of rest and so I have given myself one. But so far, all I have done is clean and eat too much food. damn. I'm kind of lonely too. That is my own fault though, so I don't really feel sorry for me.

I really don't know what to write.... I could tell stories from my life... but most of the people who read this probably know of the really good ones.

lol I love mitochondria.... I'm such a geek. The farther I get in this thing they call university, the more I realize that... and the more accepted that geekyness is. Anyhow... perhaps I'll just go check on my laundry and leave this post at this. And I think I'll leave you with the lyrics of a song, that is kind of my song right now:

Fear

Morning smiles
like the face
of a newborn child,
innocent, unknowing.

Winter's end
promises
of a long lost friend.
Speaks to me of comfort

but I fear
I have nothing to give.
I have so much
to lose here in this lonely place.
Tangled up in your embrace
there's there's nothing I'd like better than
to fall.

but I fear
I have nothing to give.

Wind in time
rapes the flower
trembling on the vine
and nothing yields to shelter
from above.
They say temptation will destroy our love.
The never ending hunger

but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much
to lose here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there's nothing I'd like better than
to fall

but I fear
I have nothing to give.
I have so much to lose.
I have nothing to give.
We have so much to lose...
- Sarah McLachlan

Okay... so I have been looking into possibilities for after I have graduated from this degree, what I can tell for sure is I'll definately be in school for at least another year after I graduate. Which is fine. I'm looking into being a Clinical Genetics Technologist. But once again I have picked something for which there are very few programs in Canada. The only thing I have going for me is my degree is very specialized and will likely help my chances of getting in, and my marks will likely be more than high enough for admission. This job pays pretty almost as much as genetic couselling which is cool.... mind you I'm still unsure of whether I want to work in any sort of lab setting. I mean I always did enjoy microlabs.... but we shall see after I do genet 375.

Oh the programs are both 13-18 months long- one is at BCIT and the other is at this school in TO at Michener Institute for Applied Health Technologies.... so they are both definate possibities.

So I really need to make some plan of action as far as my courses go, or I am not going to get the grades I want in my courses.

Anyhow... I'm boring the shit out of myself with this post so I think I'll just leave it at this and say ciau for now.

State: High UNmotivated

So I was just sitting here thinking.... I don't think I got much done today. But I was less tired than I was yesterday... and a lot less focused. lol Funny how that works.

I even had to whole house to myself.... so no people to distract me.

I still managed to distract myself by baking cookies and cooking food.

I wanted to talk about more important things but nothing I was thinking about earlier comes to mind.

I guess you could say I am kind of lonely. I no longer have a live-in best friend, so that is a little rough. It's hard to feel truly alone when you live with one of your best friends. Last year, whenever something was bugging me, I'd just chat to Lindsay about it and she'd help me get back to work or help me come to a solution so that I could keep working.

Or if Lindsay wasn't around, or I had exhausted that resource, I could just go take a walk with Daley and he'd just listen to me complain. Or I'd listen to him complain. One of the two... or both.

I guess now I can just complain on here... and yeah.

Anyhow... I need to get to bed. I have a quiz tomorrow. yay first test of the year. I don't know why I am so worried. I studied way more for it than I did for my first midterms in University (ie- First Year) and it is worth about the same. I guess I just really want to do well. I want my 3.5 average this year... I will get it. I was so close last year....

State: tired... so why am I not in bed yet?

So... I went out to the Orientation Volunteer Party and it ended up being a lot of fun. It started out slow, but definately picked up toward the end of the night. But I am really tired today... I really don't understand how people go out and party like that EVERY weekend, all weekend. I must just be getting old, you know all of 21 and all. If I can stay awake I am going to head out to Chiprov tonight. I get in free with my card I got during WOW (week of welcome). This is my last weekend of "freedom" before the long string of midterms starts.

Anyhow... I think I am going to go make myself some hot chocolate- to attempt to kick start my system.

State: Sleepy

I have so many things running through my mind right now... it feels amazing compared to the endless nothingness of summer. But I have one question:

Where does one draw the line between an obession and one's major? Now I read that question over again and I know it won't make sense to most people. It it even healthy to be that into one subject??? I live, breath and eat genetics. Its in all my classes... which makes sense. I mean, without DNA, without genes, nothing would exist because DNA is the template on which all life is based.

The thing is, the more I learn about it.... the more I want to know. Which is good... because last year I wasn't feeling like that at all. Maybe this is begining of term optimism... but perhaps not.

I went to the industrial internship meeting today and I think I am going to apply. I mean the worst that could happen is I won't get a position. Best case scenario: I get a placement and the opportunity of a lifetime. I mean, in some ways it is better than co-op in that you get to work for the company longer. The salaries are good too... Anyhow... to make any of this come true I have to get some sweet marks in my courses so I better get studying...

State: Inspired

So... I'm up and no one else is, and I tried reading everyone elses blog and no one has updated, and so I was thinking, I wonder if everyone just sits around reading other people blogs waiting for them to post... lol Kind of a silly though.

Anyhow... so I have been hyper all day. I think I even scared my Safewalk partner.

I really don't know what to post... I'm excited for the weekend. I can't wait for the Orientation Wrap Up Party on Friday. It is going to be kick ass.

I told my roommate to hook me up with some guys... and she says she knows some engineers, so we shall see lol. I'm tired of being single. I think I need to learn how to be with someone, actually be with them. Not some half-assed sorry excuse for a relationship like in high school. I guess I just need to network. Wait... I think that is what I was supposed to be doing at the Career fair today. Networking that is, not picking up guys. Haha... as far as my friends and I were concerned, the career fair was just a chance to get some really sweet free stuff- like nalgene-like water bottles and hammer pens.

Damn... why do all the good guys have girlfriends already? Okay enough with the random post on the blog, which people will look at and think: WTF? Whatever... Night.

State: A little loopy
Book: Same as last post
Song: Try, Try, Try - Smashing Pumpkins

So I guess a lot has happened since I last posted. So I have no choice but to give a brief play by play of the last couple of weeks. Well I guess I do have a choice... but that's what I kind of feel like doing, so here I go.

The begining: was orientation. To make a long story short: four days of all out school pride, cheering and fun to welcome the new students. But honestly, I think the OL's have more fun than the new students. At least I had more fun than when I went to orientation. My team of OL's were called the Trojans- our cheer was the following: Trojans we are really rad, like the movie starring Brad. All I can say is that I think I went through withdrawal after. Cheering is like a drug, and in four days I became addicted.

Next, school started. My fav class BY FAR is my genetics 301 class. I didn't think it would be, but amazingly enough I actually find mitochondria really facinating. I've been doing lots of journal article reading for that class. Not the easiest stuff to read either. I really think science people should have to take grammar/concise writing courses, because the wording in tons of these papers is REALLY confusing.

After my thursday classes (last thursday that is), I ditched Edmonton and went to Vancouver. Whilst in Vancouver, I saw the most amazing concert I have seen to date. That is the Sarah McLaughlan concert. Man, she sounds exactly the same in concert, if not better, than she does on CD. The next day was spent at ikea and at the Capilano suspension bridge. After that we went for all you can eat Sushi. I fell in love with Spicy Tuna Shasimi or however you spell it.

Then it was school again... so far I think I am doing a decent job of keeping up in all my classes. It is actually amazing how much work I already have, but I guess that is to be expected- not being in first/second year anymore. I also don't feel like a science student anymore. Not having labs and all. Its so.... weird. Mind you I have more than enough journal articles to fill all that free time with.

I did my first safewalk shift. It was fun.

Anyhow... I think I will head off to bed- Lindsay is coming tomorrow and I want to be well rested.

State: Happy
Book: In a Sunburned Country- Bill Bryson

My first post from Edmonton this year :)

So I met my roommates this morning- well two of them and they seem really nice and easygoing so I shouldn't have much trouble getting along with them. And I can't believe how close I live to the school. It is amazing!!! I'm a little buzzed on coffee right now so yeah.

Rachel is helping me load my stuff into the van and then I think I'll have some help at the house to get my bed and stuff in.

I'm suddenly very excited to go back to school. Oh another thing... and this will probably only be of interest to Daley and Heather- but the new bookstore website is awesome. Mind you, I'm sure neither of you really want to think about books right now. but if you go here , you can search for your textbooks simply by typing in your ID number. No more looking through endless pages of courses or waiting in line or anything!!! Now isn't that cool???

Okay... well I think I am going to look in the bookstore right now :)

Till next time...

State: finally excited