I haven't posted for awhile because my ex-roommate took off with the internet. I'm actually really jealous of her. I have to live with her fat, lazy boyfriend and she gets to be back at school and will see Ryan more than I will in the next three and half months. That's only because she is in his lab but still. I can't help but feel slightly bitter that she can pick up and leave, no notice, guilt free; while I slave away at work and carry some guilt about giving four months notice on leaving my internship.

Why do I do this to myself? Honestly, I haven't done anything wrong by wanting to leave early. I admit, 16 months experience would look better than 8, but honestly there is more to life than trying to get a good job. I don't feel like I am giving up a wonderful opportunity because I think I have already had one. People at work are trying to convince me to stay, but I don't think they understand why I am leaving. They try to convince me, if I try I will meet people and come to like it here. I don't doubt that they are right. I think I could meet people down here, and possibly even find it bearable. The thing is, nothing can replace the people I have met in Edmonton. Right now, I don't think this is the place for me to be.

I'm not even sure I should have taken the internship to begin with. I mean there were all sorts of signs to me that I shouldn't do it. My Uncle and step brother told me Brooks was a horrible place to live. And I got this funny feeling, that I shouldn't go right before I accepted the job. Something in my heart was telling me not to go. But my head told me I'd be silly to give up an opportunity like this, and so I took the job. Turns out I probably should have listened to my heart all along.

In other news, I found a new place to live. It is a Bachelor suite which means I will be living ALL BY MYSELF! Nothing could make me happier except maybe if it were January already and I was moving into a new place in Edmonton.

Also, I'll probably be in Edmonton on the 24, 25 and 26 of September. I can't wait!!

Anyhow... you probably won't hear from me for awhile again because of the lack of internet so, goodbye for now and hopefully I get around to posting sooner or later!

State: Lonely

Okay... so this will be a little bit of a rant. One petpeeve of mine is people who don't cash cheques right away. I wrote the 1st on the cheque so that I could see the money leave my account shortly thereafter. Not weeks later.

Not having internet again sucks. Especially because it isn't like my rent went down after internet service was discontinued... not that internet costed that much divided by three...

I'm looking for a place to live in for the next four months. I mean I want to be on my own, I'm sick of having roommmates. But I'm not sure I can afford it... especially in Brooks where everything is so expensive.

Ugh... I don't want to go back but I should at least shower and do something. That's how I can tell I hate this place so much. At least I'll be working, that makes time go faster.

Countdown:116 days, 11 hours and 28 minutes remaining
State: blah, sad to be going back

So I told my boss about leaving early (at the end of December) and she was fine with it. In fact she was more than fine with it, she understood completely and was happy I told her now. Now she has plenty of time to find a replacement and I get to leave guilty-free sans screwing anyone over. The plus side to that is that my supervisor is likely to give me a great reference which is what I need. Apparently, I had a wicked performance review. And I think I'll still be able to do Biology 400 which would get "Internship program" written on my diploma. I don't care so much about that one... in fact I wouldn't even care if I couldn't get that anymore.

Anyhow... the fact that I am leaving in 4 months makes work that much more bearable. I should go to bed though I have to get up somewhat early considering the time it is now.

State: Content

I'll be tired to tomorrow, but it was worth it to see old friends. There is something about my high school friends that I can't get anywhere else. You have been through so much with them and not matter how much everyone changes or doesn't you still feel super comfortable around them. We tried to watch the fireworks from Michael's house on Cresent Rd. But apparently they weren't shooting the fireworks off the building like they said they would.

I feel a lot better now that I have made some concrete decisions about next year and this internship. I'm staying for another 4 months only because that is the easiest time to leave and still be eligible for my honors degree. So look out U of A, I return in January! According to the IIP co-ordinator if I can find a supervisor, my 499 can be done over the summer which would be ideal because then I would only have fall term of the following year to finish my degree. Although I am not happy about having to stay another 4 months, I can honestly see the end now so it makes it that much more bearable. I have even decided what classes I am taking in the Winter term already, I'm just in the process of trying to get registered into two of them. It wasn't that hard to decide- without having a 499 to deal with I decided I would take 420 and only 2 other courses. That way I have tons of time to spend on it which is ideal considering it is a lot of work. I'm also trying to get back into the Genetics and Ethics courses I managed to get into before I got my internship. I decided I still want to take it... So my returning term is all genetics which is honestly my first love. Microbiology is okay... but genetics is where it is at!

I'm so excited to come back to school it isn't even funny. That's what makes me think that it was the right decision to make. I know it is the right decision. I have the warm fuzzy- I just made the best decision of my life feeling. I should go to bed though. I have to drive back to Brooks before my 12 hour shift which should be fun. I think I will start a countdown until my internship is over!

And the countdown begins: 120 days, 23 hours and 9 minutes remaining!

State: content with my decision

I haven't been updating my blog because honestly I don't think people want to read about how miserable I am. But that's the truth. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I thought I would like working in a lab and I do. But I don't like the type of lab work I am doing right now. I am pretty sure I could not work in that sort of diagnostic lab for the rest of my life. First of all, they don't want us to think so everything is automated and I honestly feel like I am getting stupider every day I work there. I mean I already forget how to do the simplest things because I am used to my stupid lab where all the thinking is done for you. I hate it... I mean the only thing I can take away from the whole experience is that I can multitask way better now than I was ever able to before. I'm agonizing over making this decision because I don't really have the money to go back to school, but that is what I would like to do. I also feel bad for leaving them without someone, especially because Wendy, the other student has already left.

I mean, I've been spending most of my pay cheque travelling back to Calgary because I am so homesick I can't stand to stay there and be by myself. I've never felt this homesick before. Not even when I moved to Edmonton and didn't know anyone. I knew eventually I'd meet people and all would be good. I don't see myself meeting anyone here. I'm thinking of taking the semester off to work anyways though and still taking the extra year to finish my degree. I would take an extra semester in January which would allow me to take all the courses that I don't have room to take.

I don't know... I will see how this all pans out. But I decided that it doesn't matter what kind of reference I would get at the end of this, not if I spend a year of my life being miserable.

Anyhow... before I spread this dark mood to everyone who reads, I will go.

State: Tired, racked with guilt about wanting to leave and wanting to leave real bad

It's hard to get back to blogging when you haven't done it in awhile. It's kind of like working out. Once you get into the habit of it, it gets easy and you want to do it all the time. It's starting again once you've stopped that is hard.

Not much has happened since I last posted. I worked 12 hours shifts for the first three weeks of august and on my one weekend off this month I drove myself up to Edmonton to visit with the folk up there. It was pretty fun, but it was tiring. Especially because it screws with my sleep schedule. I have been working 5-5 most of the month so I've had to get at 4, which also means I have to go to bed at 8 in order to get 8 hours of sleep. I feel like a kid again... mind you it is pretty easy to sleep at 8 when you've worked a 12 hour day.

I just got over being sick with something- a gastrointestinal sickness we will call it, so I was up in Calgary this weekend to check it out considering my history. They don't know what made me sick and when I say I was well enough to go to work, just not feeling tip top. I'm being tested right now and perhaps will find out what it was on either Wednesday or Thursday when I follow up with my family physician.

I'm reading a really good book right now called "The Time Traveller's Wife". Very cute- I'd highly recommend it, although it is probably geared more toward a female audience. I'm still trying to finish "A Short History of Nearly Everything" and I am stuck on the Taxonomy part. Although Bill Bryson can make almost anything sound interesting, the section on Taxomnomy has failed to capure my interest probably because I'm all taxonomied out from my first biology course on it.

Anyhow... I think I will crawl back into the hiding place that is my Trailer...

State: Alone and Isolated, a side effect of living in the middle of nowhere
Song: All the things I have done- The Killers, Behind these Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson

Wow... I overreacted just a little. But I talked it through with him, so hopefully things get better. It is hard to stay mad or upset at him because he is always so happy to hear from me on the phone. So I forget all of my worries of him not liking me any more when I talk to him on the phone. I'm coming to Calgary anyways, because I have some books to return so if anyone wants to do anything, I'm in town.

State: Much better

I never thought this long distance thing would be so hard. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. I'm starting to think that I might have to break it off if it doesn't get any better because I can't live like this. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go back to being lonely, than to be with someone and never actually be with them. Maybe the reason why this upsets me so much is because I like him so much. Sometimes I don't know why, but I guess I can't help the way I feel.

I need to tell him how I feel, because it isn't going to get any better if he doesn't know. I think it would help if I heard from him more- but honestly if he can't do that I think I'd going to have to end it. Is it wrong to want to hear from him every other day? I don't think it is because we hardly see each other as it is. Maybe he just doesn't like me as much as I like him, but if that is the case,I wouldn't want to stay with him. I've been there and done that and it never turns out nice.

Maybe I'm so sad because I feel like its over already, before I've even tried to work things out with him. As far as I know, he doesn't know there is a problem. he wouldn't, because I haven't talked to him in a week. Anyhow, I should go get ready for work. I may or may not go to Calgary this weekend. I haven't decided yet.

State: Emotional Wreck.
Song: You wouldn't like me- Tegan and Sara

I had a good weekend, but it left me thinking about some not so good things. Things that make me sad.

What would happen if one liked some one a lot, but didn't like a particular attitude that this person possessed. The attitude isn't present most of the time, but only around others that possess the same attitude.

It makes me sad, because it is something I am very against and I have never been in the position where I like someone who possesses this attitude. I thought it would be a total turn-off, but for some reason it isn't. Maybe I don't want to believe that they would think the things they think... maybe I am blinded by the fact that I like them so much.

Part of me thinks I should end it, before it gets harder to do so. Another part of me, wants to wait it out. I already feel like it would tear my heart apart if I broke up with him. But if this is a large part of who he is, I don't know if I can be with him. It is pretty much the only thing we don't have in common. Ugh... It kills me really. I don't think it is something that can be changed, although I would love to. I also don't believe in trying to change a person. If they change out of their own free will, fine... but trying to change someone- it seems wrong to me.

Anyhow... I guess I'll just have to think about this. And I think I need to tell him that it bothers me, and if that is the end, then so be it. I don't want this to be the end... but if it has to be, it will be.

State: Conflicted

Wow... I haven't posted in awhile. I guess I haven't felt like it. Mostly my life involves working, eating and sleeping... and relaxing on my days off. I was supposed to go to Edmonton this weekend to see Ryan, but his shifts got changed and he ended up working for most of the weekend so I decided against it. I'm seeing him next weekend so that is good, because it has been entirely too long. Especially because for awhile there our work schedules made it so we couldn't talk to each other on the phone.

I got my copy of the new Harry Potter yesterday and have not been able to put it down. It is soooo good. It is like a drug I just can't get enough of. That is the only good thing that has come out of me not being able to see Ryan. I have gotten to read Harry.

My dad bought me a car. It is pretty nice. It's a 1991 Toyota Tercel, white with blue interior and the most awesome sounds system. I mean I didn't expect to get a car with anything more than a tape deck so this was a great surprise. Hopefully it passes the inspection tomorrow.

Anyhow... I should be off to bed. These crazy work hours (5 am to 3 pm) make me tired early.

State: Missing Ryan/Loving Harry

Wow... it has been awhile since my last post. I guess I just haven't felt like posting lately.

I've gone back to work for all of you who didn't know. Some people don't think I should ever go back, but I figured I'd give it a try before making any decisions. That trial week was last week, and it went well so I think I will be sticking with it. I like my roommates and my co-workers and I think I would forever regret giving up the opportunity to get this kind of experience. And I didn't feel nearly as paranoid (about getting sick)when I was working as I did before I started working.

I didn't do much this weekend except spend lots of money on scrapbooking stuff. Yes, I have taken up scrapbooking. It is my hobby for the next little while because honestly, in a town the size of Brooks you need a hooby to keep you sane. Most people take up drinking, I decided scrapbooking would probably be better for my health. Ryan thinks I should find a better hobby, but honestly I don't care what he thinks, he won't be around when I am making my pictures pretty so it doesn't matter :)I'm starting with the band trip to Mexico... because I figured I should start relatively small before I jump into doing my Europe pictures.

I have tomorrow off as well and then I go back to work. I haven't decided what I am going to do today yet... but I'm sure I'll find something. Oh yeah- I'm thinking of taking an anthro course during my year off- so I have one less course to worry about taking. I think the one I found was called Archeology of the Ancient World. It sounded pretty interesting. Anyhow... I should go get my day started. Until next time...

Song: Like a prayer- Madonna
State: good good

I had a most wonderful weekend, it was hard to leave Edmonton. I've kind of turned into a hermit here in Calgary. I mean, I don't phone anyone, no one phones me(and honestly, I really don't expect them to). So essentially my social life consists of going out with my mom. Which I am fine with mostly... but I think I want to see my friends before I head back to work so I think I will have to pick up the phone and call them, and end my hermitdom.

I want to head back to work as soon as I can... I'm getting pretty bored here. I think I might go to the Library tomorrow and see if I can pick up some books to read. I bought a Discover magazine today... it is pretty interesting. It's funny, I think I must have picked the right field to go into because I can never get enough of reading about the new scientific discoveries. I study science all school year and yet I cannot stop myself from picking up science related material during the summer.

Right now I'm just looking at the food network website, looking for something fun to cook for supper tomorrow. But I really should go to bed soon...so I think I will.

State: Bored...by my own fault

So I'm back in E-town and it seems a bit surreal. I mean I feel like it was just yesterday that I was here finishing up classes... and at the same time it feels like forever. A bit hard to explain really. Part of me has become fond of the city, more than I could have imagined because at first glance I didn't really like Edmonton. I think I started to like it when I started thinking about all the good memories I have made here. I mean I still stand by Edmonton not being much on its own. Its not one of those cities you fall in love with at first sight, not like say Paris or Montreal. It's one of those cities that takes a little getting to know before you truly appreciate its nuances. I'll admit, I haven't gotten to know much of Edmonton- really only the university area and I'm starting to see more of the downtown area.

For some reason, I love the university and all of its ugly and beautiful bits. My favourite building has to be one of the ugliest on campus, but it is dear to my heart because it is where I do what I love most on campus. And what would that be? Work in the lab of course!

I love the Powerplant, because I have never had a bad time there. And I love RATT because it allows me to fake a requirement I have for any city I live in. And what requirement is that? To be able to go to a point in the city and look a large portion of it from above. Usually this requirement is fulfilled by a hill like it is numerous times over in Calgary, but Edmonton lacks hills so RATT will do I guess.

I love Pharos Pizza... and countless other Edmonton only restaurants that I have been craving food from since getting better ( or since I started to eat real food). I actually had fantasies in the hospital about Pharos Pizza. Full out, very vivid I thought I was eating pizza until I opened my eyes- fantasies. That was right before they upped my diet to full fluids (aka- pureed food)... at least full fluids was somewhat filling.

Last but not least I have met some of the most amazing people here in Edmonton, people I will not soon forget. They are the main reason I am kind of sad to be doing an internship for a year. I really will miss them.

Anyhow... I think I've killed enough time doing this, so I'll write an update when I get home from the capital.

State: Little tired from the travelling, but not bad.

I'm off to Edmonton for the weekend. I'm so excited! I went to the doctor today and I am doing better according to my blood work. This is good :) But according to the doctor I am still not well enough to go to work. I feel a lot better, but I still get tired really easy. But I'm not taking an afternoon nap anymore so that is good!

Anyhow... I have to go eat lunch so I can catch my bus downtown and Red Arrow myself to Edmonton.

State: good

P.S- Jeanine I promise that my next post I will discuss my musical tastes... no time right now :)

This weekend was the best weekend I have had in quite some time. Ryan came down from Edmonton which was really nice. We met at the Zoo on Saturday and we walked around for about 3 hours before we both got tired and decided we wanted to head somewhere for food. We ended up at the Rose and Crown on 17th ave. where we had some exellent pub food. By this time, I was pretty tired because I hadn't taken my afternoon nap, so we headed back to my place and took a nap for a bit (okay 3 hours). Then we played some scabble, watched a little TV and since I was falling asleep went to bed around 11.

Sunday, was spent a little more leisurely sleeping in and then just going to the mall to wander around. I found a cute top that was on for 50% off so I couldn't resist. I also bought Settler's of Catan because I really like playing that game and Craig left his in Newfoundland and so I decided we needed one to play while I recuperate. Ryan left to return home around 5 pm, but it won't be as long before I see him again as I am going up to Edmonton next weekend.

Anyhow...I think I am going to get dressed and maybe go for a walk in the rain.

State: Pretty good

I woke up this morning, and for the first time in a long time I felt well rested and not tired. If only this feeling would last all day.

Update on the state of my health: I'm starting to feel better. I mean I'm still tired a lot of the time- usually toward the end of the day where I have to fight to stay up to my self enforced 9 pm bedtime. I sleep usually about 10-11 hours a night. I usually have a 2 hour nap sometime during the day. So obviously, seeing how much I sleep I am not completely healthy yet. But being anemic and have mono at the same time will make you tired. I have a feeling I would already be feeling much better if it weren't for the mono.

Yesterday, I went to Brooks to pick up some clothes seeing as I am going to be here for awhile. That's right for all of you who are worried about seeing me before I head back to Brooks- don't worry. I won't be going back to work anytime soon. Not until I have enough energy to be on my feet for at least 8 hours. I got my birthday present from Lindsay and that was nice. I know certain people who are really going to like Lindsay, even though they haven't met her yet.

In other news, if I continue to improve, I think I am going to make a trip up to Edmonton to see Ryan next weekend. But that is only if I feel pretty good. I mean I don't want to get myself sicker with travel. I'm excited and I think it is good to have a goal for getting better.

Tomorrow, I get to go for my first blood tests since having them everyday when I was in the hospital. How exciting! I actually am excited for Thursday, when I find out if this feeling better is because my hemoglobin levels have gone up. I hope they have.

Sorry, if all I talk about is getting better. Honestly, my life is pretty boring. I sit at home watching movies and walking around "to get my strenght back". I eat, sleep and have no social life. That is really what is killing me. I'm a social being, and I have been deprived of socialization. That hopefully will stop soon. I guess I'll have to change my bedtime if I want more of a social life. OR con people into seeing me in the morning, when I have lots of energy. Either or.

Anyhow...that's all for now.

State: Getting better

I'm sick of being sick. Sure I'm home from the hospital but only because I am not sick enough for them to keep me there anymore. I mean I still don't feel like myself again. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again.

I don't know how people deal with having cancer. I feel so weak(in mind/soul) compared to them. I'm sitting here, crying, thinking poor me and there are people that are suffering far worse than I in the world. Yet, thinking about them, still doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel like a horrible person for still feeling the way that I do. I feel so isolated. I haven't seen any of my friends since I have been back because of being too sick. Honestly, I'd give anything to be well enough to see one of my friends right now. It was so great to talk to Craig on the phone last night. Finally, I felt like I was connecting with someone outside my immediate family. On the note of family- they have been great through this whole ordeal. I saw my aunt that I rarely see, my sister and nephew, my Dad and Carol. Really it is amazing how you don't see family until something bad happens.

One thing, although I am feeling lonely, bored, restless, being sick has given me a greater appreciation for life.

I'm going to Brooks tomorrow to pick up some more clothing. Not that it will fit me properly. I'm 12 pounds lighter than I was when I went into the hospital. The funny things is, everything still fits me around the waist. It is just too big elsewhere. Actually, in all honesty, my clothing (except for my jeans) fits me better than it did before I got sick. My jeans are really baggy and they aren't supposed to fit like that.

Anyhow, I think that it enough complaining/ranting for today. I'll probably post again tomorrow. Or maybe not. We'll see. My snack calls so bye for now.

So I'm still alive. But I just spent from about the last time I posted until yesterday in the hospital in Calgary. I ended up with the complications that can arise with the E. coli infection. Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome to be exact. That is why I was so bloated. But now I am not. I weigh 10 pounds less than what I did before I got this which makes a lot more sense. Seeing as you know, I didn't eat for a week and a bit.

In the hospital, while I did get better, those doctors and their drugs managed to give me the symptoms of Parkinson's Disease. They are going away now that I am off the drug, but I still can't type very fast.

To top it all off, I ended up with mono. That is what I am fighting right now. Why am I up so early? Because I go to bed at like 8:30 pm because I am so tired all the time. Luckily, the mono hasn't given me much of a sore throat (knock on wood)so I am still able to eat.

Thanks to those of you who commented while I was in the hospital. I checked my e-mail when I could, but I never really had anything and that was kind of sad. I would have sent out some sort of mass e-mail, saying hey I'm sick- leave me messages because the hospital is lonely, but I was too tired. And I am am finally getting tired again, so I will leave this post at this and hope to hear from you all at some point. I'm still in Calgary, so just give me a call at my mom's. I might not feel like talking much, but it is the thought that counts.

State: Tired

So I'm alive. Not that anyone was concerned that I was dead, I mean people usually don't assume the worst when someone hasn't posted on here for awhile. Well, I'm not dead- but I could have been. Some of you who don't know are probably asking yourself-what? Could have been dead? Hold your horses and let me explain.

My first week of work went fine. They didn't let us do anything really because they wanted us to get used to the lab environment before they start letting us work with samples all the time. I came home for Mother's day and on Saturday I started to feel sick. I thought it might have been from the Denny's I had that morning, but really there wouldn't have been enough time for any of the food to make me that sick. The next day I started to feel a little better, but not for long. By 9 pm that evening, I felt more horrible than I had before. I took some advil and when to sleep. I woke up about 3 hours later with violent cramping and diarrhea. I wasn't going to go to work, but my roommate (and co-worker)was going and she said she felt sick too. So I drove us to work for our 5 am start time. We both lasted an hour before we had to go home. I drove us to IGA, we bought sick food (gatorade and chicken soup) and I went home and lay down on my bed only getting up to go to the bathroom. The cramping was becoming unbearable. Then, around 10 am I noticed I was bleeding from somewhere one should never bleed. That is when I told my roommate, that I wanted her to drive me to the hospital, because at this point the cramping was so bad I could barely speak.

We got to emergency, and I could barely tell the nurse what was wrong. She told me, "I don't read hands." and finally she directed me to admitting. I got my papers and was sent back to the mean emergency nurse and was able to tell her what was wrong. I was fairly certain at this point that I knew what I had. But they have to test all posibilities. I waited a relatively short time (3 hours- which if you have ever been to emerg, is pretty short) before I saw a doctor. They promply hooked me up to an IV, asked me to give a stool sample and whisked me off to the private room where I would spend the next five days in isolation. Isolation meaning that I wasn't allowed to leave my room.I couldn't even phone my parents long distance to tell them I was in hospital. But my boss fixed that and gave me the company phone for the week. This wasn't so bad at the begining, where I didn't feel like leaving my bed at all. But when I started to feel a little better I felt trapped.

So what did they find I had? E. coli 0157. One of the bacteria that we test for in the lab I work in. I was pretty sure based on my symptoms that this is what I had. What is more is that a day later, my roommate was hospitalized for the same thing. We think that we got it at work- even though we never touched incubated samples. We think that we might have picked it up sorting the samples that we sign in when they come from the plant. It only takes 1-5 cells to cause the infection. If you want to learn more about E. coli 0157 go here. It has a lot of good info.

Now I am in Calgary, recovering. I don't know when I will go back to work. When I can eat a decent amount of solid food and don't feel so weak I guess. I'm very bloated right now. I think it might be from being on IV for 5 days staight. I gained 15 pounds in water. Well it has to be water, because I was on the liquid diet and I could barely keep that down half the time.

I'm sad I got sick, mostly because I was supposed to go up to see Ryan in Innisfail this weekend for his birthday. I miss him a lot, but really I wouldn't be much fun this weekend. If I am feeling better, I might go up next weekend.

Anyhow, we have internet at my place now, so pretty soon I will be able to post a little more regularly.

I get tired really easily, so I think I am going to get off the computer. So hopefully, the next time I post I am in much better health. Perhaps I will post when I can eat pizza again.

State: I don't feel like death anymore

This is just a quick note to say- I'm in Brooks now. I'm working. I'm coming to Calgary tomorrow night. I get internet on the 10th. Perhaps a bigger update when I get to Calgary... Oh things are going good just- I just have crappy dial up internet so I won't be posting for awhile.

I managed to pull off the mark I needed in physiology (B+) to get my 3.5 and get on the dean's list so that made me happy. I'm must have really pleased the physiology gods with my 13 hour homage/sacrifice to them. I studied from 11am to 1 am the night before that exam. I made up for never once opening my book during the course of the semester. Take that year long horrible, awful useless course that I don't remember anything from!

State: tired, but good

Since I've already manically checked for a mark that probably won't get posted, I figured I would make a post. That and I am sick of studying the GIT.

I'm excited for this internship. I'm kind of scared too. I mean what if I'm horrible? I always seem to have this huge fear of failing. It is almost a phobia because most of the time it is completely ridiculus. I mean I don't mean to say- hmmm I think I did bad and then proceed to do really well. I guess that is a lack of confidence in my abilities. I really shouldn't doubt myself so much. I mean, I have proven to myself time and time again that I am capable of doing things and yet I never have a very good idea of whether I've done well or not. woah... that was rambly.

Last night was good. I was sick of studying physiology (then again, when am I not?)so Ryan came over and we went for a walk to steeps and got some tea. It was nice to just sit and chat over a cup of tea. I had strawberry and cream Rooibos and he had vanilla bourbon black tea. I'm going to miss him when I am gone to Brooks. We decided to try the long distance thing out though. We both work shift work so we will both be getting longish strings of days off in a row. Which means I probably won't spend many of my days off in Brooks, but I never planned to anyways. This is the first time in my life I have met a guy I immediately felt so comfortable with. And it is really nice. It was like when I met Lindsay, except with physical attraction as well.

I can't wait until Thursday, when I will be done once and for all the horribleness that is PHYSIOLOGY! And then I will pack all day and go out to a BBQ in Hawrelak park and then to Jay's multiday party. The next day all my stuff will be moved out into the moving truck and the day after that I will on the road headed down to Brooks.

I'll be living in a trailer, so you can make fun of me and call me trailer trash if you want for a whole year!!! But hey- my room has its own bathroom so that isn't half bad. Apparently the paint is ugly, but they said that they would fix that. Or I can on my first set of days off. I think I shall go watch the amazing race while I try and learn about the liver.

State: wanting to gouge my eyes out with dissecting forceps because physiology is so boring.
Song: London Rain- Heather Nova

It is going to take a lot of will power for me to study hard for this physiology exam I have a week from yesterday. I hate physiology. It's all just crappy memorization. That's why I like genetics. it started out by being problem solving, which I love. Then in second year (270 and 275) turned out to be a little more memorization based. Third year we still have to memorize, but it is almost back to that problem solving based questions again. And that is what I like. I'm good at it, it is something that is intuitive for me now. I guess you could say I think like a geneticist. And you'll see that trend in my marks too. I just got the first two A's I've had since I got a 9 in first year in biology 107. And that makes me happier than you can imagine. Who really cares that my other marks are a lot lower. I broke my B+ rut. Not that it was really a rut, because B+'s are really good.

In other news, I found a place to live in Brooks. I'll be living with the other student that is going down there. The rent is kind of high, but rent is ridiculus in Brooks and it is about what I would be paying on my own, except that on my own I would be resposible for paying bills and stuff and she is just going to include everything. whoa- that was a really poorly written sentence. Meh... I guess that is why I got a B in witchcraft. I think I'm probably going to be able to move my stuff with hers. Which is awesome because we were having trouble trying to find a vehicle that isn't too big to move all my stuff.

Anyhow... I think I will crack down on this thing called physiology. I need to get a good mark in that class because it counts for two. Stupid physiology is going to be the death of me. Die physiology! Die!

State: Don't want to study, but will force myself to

Why have I not started to panic like I usually do? I haven't even started studying for population genetics and I'm only gone through almost everything in 302 once. I want to panic. I need to panic. Panic dammit. Panic works. To an extent. I need to panic enough to do something I hate, which is study.

Okay... I think it is starting to work :) Yay!

State: Pre-panic, Ideal for studying

Because it has been awhile, I've updated the quote on my blog. I guess that one sums up more how I feel right now even though I did decide to stick with the Garden State theme.

Anyhow, I have to get back to studying boundary elements, which have become the new bane of my existance.

State: Can't wait for tonight

And the study hermitage begins! As much as I don't want it to. For those of you who know what I am like around exams (Daley) you'll note the hermitage has started later this year. And although I really want to go out tonight, I think I will just have a quiet evening at home after my Safewalk shift.Some alone time you might say. I haven't been getting much alone time lately and I think it will be nice. As much as that will disappoint certain people, I need to get to bed early tonight and um focus.

Obviously, I won't be able to turn myself into a complete study hermit like I normally do, I've already planned out in my mind how that will work. I don't do a whole lot of studying past nine most nights, so this time will be available to spend with people (Namely, Ryan). As long as I am in bed (sleeping) by 12 pm. Now I may sound like my own study nazi... but it is for my own good in the long run. And on that note, off to my books. It is so nice only having to concentrate on two classes for the time being. (That is about my max that I can concentrate on at once)But like I said, I have 5 topic in one class to get through and a third of the course for the other class to get through.

State: Kind of excited about studying (I know I won't feel like this later)
Song: Random Classical

I have to say that this has been some week. I had the best birthday I have had in a really long time because birthday's can often be kind of disappointing (like New Year's) because you have such high expectations for it, but this exceeded any expectations I could have ever had.

Things are going well with me and Ryan (yes that would be the person I have been refering to cryptically for the last little while). Now I just have to figure out how I am going to get work done. I think that we are going to stay away from each other for a couple of days. There isn't much I can say beyond that.

Anyhow happy BSD for those in Calgary and happy last day of school for those in Edmonton.

State: Still Happy
Song: Best I've Ever Had- Vertical Horizon

Last night, I decided to blow off studying (I know, how uncharacteristic of me) and go watch a movie with my boy. When he asked me, I hesitated for about a split second before thinking- I'm so distracted right now anyways, that all I will think about if I don't go is how much I'd rather be at his place watching a movie. It was really nice. The movie was quite good too. We watched Hero and I have to say it is quite good. The cinematography is amazing and the story line is pretty good too. (And yes, we actually watched the movie...) Then we just watched some random TV. I discovered he likes watching the same sort of random TV as I do. Some matchmaker, some Sex, Toys and Chocolate, some food network... and by that time it was time to go home because otherwise I would miss the LRT home.

This is really my first experience dating someone and it is so much better than anything that went on in high school. Maybe it is because we both know who we are. I mean in High School, many of us don't know who we are or where we are going in life. Now, I just don't know where I am going in life. I'm also more confident than I was in High School and a lot happier. I heard somewhere that you have to be happy with yourself and by yourself before you'll ever be happy with someone. You can't come to someone half full (or empty, depending on how you look at it)with happiness and expect them to fill you up to the brim. (No I don't mean that in a dirty way, but I just realized it might sound dirty.) Anyhow, today I am going to study all day, and actually I feel much much less distracted. It appears going out helped with that. I guess sometimes you have to succum to the distraction before you will cease to be distracted.

State: Happy

Mmmmm that's really all I can say. There is nothing like what I am feeling right now in the world. It's honestly been too long, and I hope I don't lose my head this time. I don't think I will, because I am in a much better place.

Anyhow, I'm dead tired. I was almost falling asleep when we were out so I think I will just leave this at that.

State: On Cloud 9
Song: No Begining No end- Hawksley Workman

This will be another short post and although some of you may not get it, it describes how I am feeling to a tee. I feel like a virgin fruit fly that has been cooped up in a vile all by myself, for too long.

That's all for now..

Until after tonight, when I may have some more exciting news, good day and goodnight.

I'm so excited about today! But I was just looking through my music collection and I don't seem to have many happy songs. I need to fix that. Anyhow, off to class.

State: Excited
Song: You're the Storm- The Cardigans

Last night was amazing, but boy am I paying for it today. We went out as a lab and proceeded to get really really drunk. I honestly don't think I have ever been that gone before. I couldn't feel my lips or my hands. And I loved everyone.

It also took care of the whole being shy around the person you like thing. lol... yeah but since this isn't some random person this time, I won't say what happened.

So today, I amazingly made it to school and to all of my classes :)

Well hopefully I make it to the rest of my classes.

I will. It is the last class before the final!

State: Dead tired (or maybe this is what characterizes a hangover.I don't get them very often, but I think this one might be one.)

So it is over. I've repressed the memory of it. I hope I got good results.

People think the person I like, likes me back. Apparently he never took his eyes off of me. Anyone who is a guy- does that mean anything? If only I was staying, something would happen. Maybe he is too good a person to start something with me now, knowing it will be even harder later. Maybe I want that... I haven't liked anyone this much in a long time and maybe I am just ready to get my heart broken again. Not that anyone's really ready for that... I'm ready for the good stuff that comes before that.

Does anyone believe that we are just meant to meet certain people? People, that for some reason or another you have an instant connection. Take my friend (and roommate from last year) Lindsay, we hit it off from the moment we met each other. It was like I could tell her anything and she would understand. Most of the time, it takes me awhile to get to that point with a person, but with her it has been instant. It is the same way with this guy. Normally, I hesitate before giving out my MSN/phone number. I didn't with him. Normally, I have trouble opening up to guys I barely know. Not him... ugh! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

State: Torn
Song: What Would Happen- Meredith Brooks

I don't feel like I have a final tomorrow. That is generally not a good sign, but I think all will be fine tomorrow. I don't know why I am not worried... I'm just not. I think I might practice setting up some digests tonight. But other than just reading over all of the stuff there really isn't much to study. It is kind of like reading comprehension. Pretty hard to study for.


On to something a little more cryptic...Why does this have to happen now? I just had the most enjoyable afternoon I've had studying (or not studying, just talking to someone) in a while. Stupid timing... I hate it. I haven't been this compatible with someone in a long time or maybe ever. Is it silly that it makes me want to cry? I'm pretty sure nothing will happen. The sensible side of me says its for the best, you are leaving. I am sure something would have happened had I stayed here... but because I am leaving... questionable.

So I just got back from more procrastinating- Princess and I went out for Suishi. Well she had suishi and I had green tea ice cream. It was good :)

Okay back to work :)

I should be studying so I am going to make this quick. Well as quick as I can considering, there is just too much spinning around in my mind right now for me to concentrate on why we wash membranes with the solutions that we do.

Firstly, although I am excited that I managed to land an internship, there is that part of me that wants to stay here next year and just finish my degree. But as far as future career stuff, it is best that I go. It just kills me that the person she hired to also be a student there is such a prick. Not to mention he talks to me like I am an idiot. I don't think he likes me much either. But I understand why he got the position- he has the background with all of the courses he has taken. He of the "I'm not going to help you because university is competitive, and I don't want to give anyone an upper edge" variety. It is funny that he thinks that, because in every course that I have helped someone, they tend to help me back and I tend to do better than I would have if had just tried to learn it alone. He doesn't seem to understand that in the real world, no one ever really works alone. I've never had a job that was completely solitary. I mean, everyone may have their individual part, but usually it all comes together in the end to form a big part. Most jobs involve some sort of teamwork. Hopefully, he drops this whole competition attitude at work, because if he doesn't I might want to stab him with some dissecting forceps by the end of the year. I think we will be on different shifts after the first three months.

Secondly, my timing sucks. We will just leave it at that. Most of you who read this know what I am talking about.

Thirdly, I'm tired because of daylight saving time. I looked up why we do it though- it has something to do with saving energy. Which is cool, but it doesn't make me any less tired today. Here is a good website I found that is all about daylight saving time.

Fourthly, I noticed I start liking Edmonton again when it starts getting sunny again here. Maybe it's like seasonal affective depression disorder(SADD), except that it is Seasonal Dislike Edmonton Disorder (SDED for short). Because right now, I really like Edmonton.

Fifthly, I need to go to MEC for a new watch band.

Sixthly, I really don't have much else to say, but that I am just writing now to not go study.

Okay, okay... I'll go. Hope everyone has a nice day :)

State: Feeling very much like a good procrastinate...
Song: Rhapsody in Blue

I feeling much better about things as of late. Actually things are looking up. I have an industrial internship lined up for the coming year which is awesome. Awesome because I don't have to make any choices about what courses to take next year.

I still plan on writing a whole big long thesis on my beliefs on spirituality and the like. It might only be after the 29 though. That's right... maybe only once I have had some time to myself in Brooks to actually write it all down. I don't know why I feel the need to write it down, but I do. It is very individual though and I am not wanting to convert anyone to my way of thinking. Actually, that is the last thing I am looking to do. If you happen to agree with what I am saying, great. But this writing on my beliefs will be more just so I can write them down and so other people can understand where I stand. Not that I think that matters much either.

Anyhow... my roommates are bitches and that's all there is to it. How was I supposed to know in September that I would get an internship? There was no way of knowing if I would be here or not next year. Internships aren't easy to get in biosci. I think only 15 people get them a year. It is kind of like winning the lottery, only with better chances. Anyhow, it wasn't my intent to screw them overby only signing my lease until May. But honestly- who signs a lease until September unless they know for sure that they will be staying there the whole summer. I mean, landlords will renew leases if you decided you did want to sublet it for summer and continue to live there throughout the year. So legally I am not bound to pay rent for the summer. I will however be nice and try and rent the room for the summer.

So if anyone that reads this is looking for a place to live in Edmonton for the summer, my room is up for grabs. It is a rather large room, unfurnished. 400$ a month plus phone and cable. They might even let you stay for the school year. They won't be there for the summer so I'm sure the living situation won't be too bad.


Sleep calls.

State: Decent

I had a guilt attack tonight. I'm not sure why. It could be because I am getting nothing in the means of work done. I mean I have a lab exam a week from yesterday (Monday) and I haven't started studying. And there are so many other things I need to do as well.

I hate guilt. Especially when it is undeserved. My family is all about guilt. It's how they want us to live. I guess that's what makes us such good Catholics even though we never go to church.

Fucking guilt. I managed to fight my guilt monster tonight. It wasn't easy, and I don't think the battle is over yet. Anyhow... I don't want to scare anyone. I will ask for help when I need it. I always have. I may not be my happy cheery self for the next little while, but don't be concerned. I need this right now. I need to deal with what I have going on inside right now.

So if you ask me how I am, I'll probably say fine, because any other answer will require a long drawn out explanation. Don't feel bad if I don't explain to you what I am really feeling. In high school, I probably would have willingly shared this information with anyone who'd listen.

I just want everyone to know, I will be fine. I've dealt with worse and I have felt much worse than this in my life. I'm nowhere near rock bottom lows I've hit before. I'm just not nearly as happy as I might have been before. So that that is my story... and now I am going to sleep.

State: Not peachy-keen
Song: Autumn's Here- Hawksley Workman, The Most Depressing Song- The Get Up Kids, Numb- Linkin Park

I feel very overwhelmed right now. I haven't felt this way in quite sometime. I feel like I need to reorganizing. I don't know what I want to do next year. Whether I want to take this job or not. Right now, I feel like I shouldn't. Like it would be a bad idea to uproot myself from Edmonton. The experience, no doubt would be wonderful. But do I want to go and live in Brooks for a year to do it. I have no idea. I'm definitely related to the rest of my family. All of us have problems making decisions.

I have so many decisions to make right now and so much work to do and really all I want to do is crawl into a hole for awhile and I don't know when I would want to come out.

The bottom line is, I don't think I've felt quite like this in a long. And instead of waiting for things to get better, I am going to be proactive and do something about it right away. Because I shouldn't feel like this. And I can't make this many decisions in my state. It just won't happen.

Let the reorganization of my life begin.

State: Like a black hole is swallowing me from the inside out

Wow... it seems like forever ago since last Saturday. It feels like just yesterday that I quickly packed what I could and hopped on the bus down to Calgary so we could drive down to Swift Current the net day. I can't believe a whole week went by already. It was an intense week and even that might be an understatement. Very emotional, but I really didn't expect it to be anything else.

This past week made me really appreciate my family. As dysfunctional as we are, we still all managed to come together this week and support each other through a rough time.I saw family members that I haven't seen since I was 13. It was really nice to catch up with them. I don't get to see my cousins very often anymore now that we are older. I really hope we do stay in touch, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I mean, I have enough trouble staying in touch with my sisters- let alone my cousins.

The funeral was good and I think spending time with family was healing. I didn't have to try and think of something good to say or do. Simply being there, and supporting my other family members was enough. My grandpa lived a good long life to the age of 91 and I am happy that he is now with my grandma.

My other cousins went out to Kareoke and drank the night after the funeral. I guess that is our family's version of a wake. My cousin Kris and I decided not to go and chose to sit in my hotel room and catch up with each other as well which was really nice. We drank "apple juice" in the continental breakfast room and stayed up until 3:30 am with the kareoke bunch. I guess it probably sounds bad that we had fun the night of our grandpa's funeral, but you have to understand we'd already been mourning for days. I think he would have wanted us to have fun.

Anyhow, I'm at my Dad's now, trying to support him because he isn't taking this so well. I think I've moved on from being sad about my grandpa's death, to being really worried about my father.

But I should go to bed... I promise I will write about that list of things that I wanted to write about eventually, but tonight is not the night.

State: Still tired

I just have to say, all of my friends ROCK! Especially Jeanine, who dropped me off chocolate and a card. Jeanine, I love chocolate way more than flowers. Sarah T. and Charles and all of the other people at the Genetics formal, for making me feel normal again.

I'm still sad, but I can hold off on the crying and such until the funeral (which I now know when it is). to go to that funeral, I am going to have to finish my paper tomorrow and do two days of lab work in one day, but I am willing to do it. Not to mention all the classes I am going to miss.

So I am this weird mixture of happy and sad right now. It's like there is two parts of me for the moment. One part of me that is still mourning, and the other part that carries on with life. But I am going to go to bed now... I need my sleep if I am going to write a paper tomorrow.

{edit-11:31 am} - Chad needs to be added to the list of people that rock. He just offered to find virgin females (flies) while I am gone. My friends are amazing :)

I don't know what to do with myself. I tried writing my paper, but I can't think. I tired talking to people but I don't know what to say. Everything seems wrong. I want to cry to let it all out, but little seems to come. I want to phone someone to talk to them, but I don't know what to say. They don't know what to say. I want to see my family. I don't wnat to be here. I want to be with people but at the same time I want to be alone. I don't think i'll try and do more work right now. I need to just let myself go for a bit and not worry about school. I feel so powerless and so guilty for never visiting. Finally... the tears are coming. God, it feels good to cry.

I said I wouldn't post before my paper is done, but this is really important. I just found out this morning that my grandfather died. I'm sad I didn't get to see him before he died, even though he doesn't know who I am anymore. I'm worried about my father and how this might be affecting him and argh I just want to pick and leave and go to Saskatoon, but I can't. Not until I know more. I don't want to do anything anymore... I just want to be there for my family. I hope I know more soon.

State: Sad

Due to hormonal imbalances associated with this time of the month no major decision making will happen until I am more hormonally balanced.

Things I want to post about at a soon to come date:
1) My Philosophy on life/religion
2) Enjoying life in Edmonton again
3) Chronic procrastination

Things I must do before I post about these things:
1) Sleep
2) Spend money I don't have on genetics formal ticket
3) Write my paper (or at least a rough draft for my witchcraft class)

So until then, so long and goodnight :)

State: Good
Song: When I Goosestep- The Shins

And the annual meltdown begins! It is the time of year when Lisa gets to pick her courses and cringe about what the future may bring. Here is my dilemma: I think I want to take this lab course that everyone says is really evil and hard and tells me not to take. Even after hearing how evil and hard it, I still want to take it. Something inside of me tells me I simply have to take this course. I don't know what is compelling me, but something is. Ugh, I wish I had an Urim and Thummim to help me make this decision. But I don't and I have to rely on what my gut tells me, because my gut feeling is usually right. I'm not interested in any of the other LIST C options. And most of the ones I am interested it, conflict- once again with my required courses. If I were looking for omens I am getting mixed messages. The people, which could be leading me off my path, are telling me stay away. The other omens, like me loving the lab and doing well in it, are saying, "Take it... you'll hate but in the end you'll be really happy you took it". I'm leaning toward taking it for any of you who are wondering. There are a few reasons... but I don't want to go into that right now.

So there you have it... that is the whole reason I have gotten nothing done in my school work today. It's still eating me up inside, but I think I'll live.

Song: Bad Day- Something Corporate
State: Conflicted

PS- Good stuff happened today too... climbing was awesome. What a stress reliever! We did bouldering problems... ones that we made up and my partner was awesome, so that made it lots of fun :)

I love spring. I realize Edmonton will most likely have another snowfall before the school year is out, but what is happening right now is very spring like and it makes me think that spring is here. I don't know what it is about spring, I think it is one of my favourite seasons. Spring and fall I guess would be my two favourite seasons. I guess I like them because they both have moderate temperatures, not too hot, and not too cold.

Spring always makes me feel so hopeful about the future, and while I'm walking to school taking it all in, I forget about all my worries for even just a little while. Maybe that is just the extra vitamin D that I am getting because it has been so amazingly sunny. Whatever it is, it feels nice.

Something I realized on one of these walks (I'm sure this isn't the first time I have realized this, but I seem to forget) is that although I have very real physical desires, what I am really looking for is love (or at least deep like to begin with). I think I forget this when my physical desires overrun my emotional desires. I'm looking for a connection (emotional first, physical later). I am confident that I will find the person out there somewhere. I'm not sure when, where or how, but that doesn't matter. I also realized the fact that I know exactly what I want has probably limited me. How you might ask? It limits me, and stops me from exploring completely unexpected and yet plausible possibilities.

Oh and I love climbing. It was amazing tackling stuff that I used to not be able to do. I want my own shoes... I want to climb more. The rush was amazing! I love bouldering too, but climbing the high walls is totally different. Bouldering is great for learning technique, and technique is something that really helps with climbing the high walls.

Sleep calls. Goodnight!

State: Amazing
Song: Anyway- Gavin DeGraw

I shouldn't be posting... but I am. I should be working on the lab report I have due. So last night I ended my four and half year drought. Not in a way I would have expected, and not in a way that was really very satisfying. I mean, it is one thing to have the drought end in a meaningful way, say a huge downpour that lasts for days and days and actually replenishes moisture to the cracked starved ground. But when it ends in a short, meaningless shower that barely produces mud it is sort of anticlimactic. And only leaves one dry and thirsty for more. What I am trying to say, next time I hope a monsoon ends this new dry spell.

State: Pensive
Song: Smoke Baby- Hawksley Workman

Was that me? I can't believe it- I'm capable of flirting :)

State: incredulous
Song: Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene

Yesterday kind of sucked. I was on the verge of tears most of the day because of various stupid reasons, one of which been the absence of my lab manual. I had a splitting headache and do not remember most of what went on in class yesterday. After I took some headache drugs and drank lots of water I seemed to feel better and managed to give a rather good phone interview for an industrial internship position in Brooks. Night class was good, but by the time I got to Safewalk, I didn't know what day it was.

When I got home from Safewalk, I found an e-mail that contained the most wonderful news I've had since Monday. My precious lab manual has been located. It is now back in my hands and I hope it never leave me again.

I hear back from the lady tomorrow about the lab job. I think I will take it if I get it. Experience is everything in my line of work. It doesn't matter what your marks are, if you don't have experience and someone else does they are more likely to get the position. I know, because I have no experience at this point.

Anyhow... on to the whole reason why I am posting. I'm looking for some new music to listen to. What I'd like people to do is post (in the comments for this post) new music (stuff I haven't mentioned) that you'd think I'd like. Or you can just post what your favourite songs are or albums or anything to do with music.

State: Procrastination makes nothing happen

I was way too tired to put any sort of post together last night so I figure now is as good a time as any. Actually, I'm still kind of tired and sort of out of it so yeah...

Anyhow, on with the story. I started leg two of my coast to coast journey last Tuesday. Our flight was late leaving Calgary due to some child that was too scared to fly and therefore they had to remove their bags. I honestly didn't care because I had a four hour layover in Toronto. Yes, you saw right- 4 hours. Honestly, I don't know why I stayed in the secure part of the airport (in Terminal 3) because as I quickly found out, although terminal three is rather large, it contains very little in the way of stores/eating places. Not compared to the much smaller secure area of the Calgary airport which happens to have a decent sized food court and a pointless moving sidewalk. At least the airport had lots of those to play on... lol. All and all it was a most wonderful airport to get a lot of work done in. I have almost finished all of my reading for the term in my witchcraft class. That would be two 200 page books worth of reading. It is amazing what you can get accomplished in airports.

I think my flight leaving Toronto was late too. I forget why- something to do with the crew not being there fast enough. Anyhow... we weren't too late and made up a good half hour in lateness. I met a nice guy on the plane from Halifax who was visiting his girlfriend in Toronto. He was quite interesting and we shared a common love for Calgary. He is the first person not native to Calgary that I have met that found it easy to find his way around. He also found Edmonton confusing which I think I did too when I first moved here.

So we got into Halifax at 10:40 pm and I think we stayed up until 3:30 pm chatting. It was nice to visit. But we only got up at noon because of this. I have a theory that I kind of lived on Alberta time the whole time I was there.

The next day we made our way downtown to the Maritime Museum where I learned all about the Halifax explosion. Call me sheltered but I didn't know that in 1917 Halifax was the site of largest man made explosion before Hiroshima.This site has more info on the explosion and the damaged caused by it.

That night we had a gathering of people with Jane's friends. This was the night that I got accused of having fake ID at the liquor store. He said it looked fake because of the way the birthday is raised. I told him it was a security feature, but apparently that wasn't in the book.

So we sat around told jokes, socialized and read really bad erotica. I didn't think anything could be worse than Harlequin, but the best of 1993 Erotica managed to beat it. Apparently, 1993 wasn't a good year for erotica.

The next day we went out on the bus to York Redoubt. It was pretty cool. Very fortified and lots of cannons. It was also cool that we could take the bus out to somewhere that remote. That night we went over to Eric's house and played Settlers of Catan. I won, or at least I think I did. Only after I got people off my back at the beginning and laid low until toward the end.

Friday, we toured around the country side to see the sites. Only the sites were a little hard to see in the blizzard. We went to Peggy's Cove which looked like the picture except grey and blizardy. I have to say it was really fun seeing the sites at a time when most people don't see them. We saw a few more beaches, had some warm drinks at the bakery in a small place that wasn't peggy's cove and went back to Halifax. That night, we could have gone to a party, but he decided to just hang out at home and Jane and Craig did homework... for a bit and then we played Wizard. After a bit, just before Jane's friends came over at 2:00 am we finished off the rum I bought with my "fake" ID (Jane ate her rum in apple sauce) and then we socialized for a bit- until like 3:30 am and went to bed.

I woke everyone up at 10:30 the next day, in an effort to actually get to the farmer's market before it closed. We got there before it closed, but not much before. I bought 3 pounds of Mac apples for 2$ and some fudge. Then we took a tour of the Keith's Brewery. The tour was actually kind of cute. For a virtual tour, just click on the brewery button and take the virtual tour. Then we wandered around downtown and I found a place that sells Yerba Maté tea.

Early Sunday morning (4:55 am) I boarded the Airbus to the airport and left Halifax late at 8:00 am. It didn't matter because our plane was late coming in from Cuba so my flight to Calgary was delayed.

Got back to Edmonton last night... and now I am really really really tired. But must do homework. So... I guess I will go make dinner now:)

State: Very Tired
Song: Farewell To Nova Scotia

So I figured that while I am up late doing laundry for part two of my Coast to Coast TREK, I would give a little run down of how part one of the trip (the Pacific coast)went!

I arrived in Victoria at approximately 1:00 pm on Friday afternoon. It was sunny and warm (+10C) and my winter jacket was quickly thrown to the back seat of the car and later hung up and forgotten for the remainder of the trip. The weather for the whole weekend was simply amazing! Of all the times I have been to Victoria during a reading break, I don't think it has ever been that nice. Not a cloud was seen in the sky for the whole 4 days. And those of you who know Victoria, know that this is a feat unto itself.

On Friday, we went out for really good sushi and then tried to see Leeroy Stagger play at Lucky Bar, but alas the opening band only started playing at 11 and they were horrible and there was still another band to come on before Leeroy, so one of Lindsay's friends bought both of his albums and we left and listened to him on the way home in the car.

On Saturday, I forced Lindsay to get up early so that we could go have breakfast in Victoria with other Lindsay (we will call her Linds for the sake of not confusing you) and Michael. The food was awesome- Blue Fox Cafe, I highly recommend it. But the service was kind of slow. Oh well, it was all worth it when we got our French toast topped with fruit and cream cheese sauce... mmmm. Then we drove back to Duncan and went out to dinner with Erin and Alan(Lindsay's boy). Dinner was good... Then we watched Troy which may not be true to the story, but we highly enjoyable if only for its hot man factor. Mmmmm Brad Pitt wearing next to nothing. What more can I say? Then we had a good long chat about sex (something I miss a lot not having Lindsay around) and ended up going to bed around 2 in the morning.

Sunday, we tried to sleep in. I succeeded, Lindsay didn't. Later, we went hiking in The East Sooke Regional Park. I believe we did the Coast Trail. It was absolutely breathtaking! We even saw a seal bathing in the sun on the rocks. After the hike, we made some delicious supper and then decided we wanted to use up the bananas in banana bread and muffins. I made the bread and she made the muffins. While the muffins were baking, we fixed my Dairy Queen deprivation and went home to finish our baking. By the time our baking was done it was time to for bed.

Monday, Lindsay brought me to the airport for my flight that was going to leave at 1:15 pm. So I got to the airport at 12:15. Only our flight didn't leave until 4:30, a good 3h 15min late. This was due to the weather in Toronto. Which makes me a little concerned about my flight tomorrow being on time. Anyhow... I should go check on my laundry. Until at least 5 days from now...

State: Tired

Okay I did something totally out of character and what I consider to be something really stupid last night. But as of right now, I don't regret a moment of my time not spent studying. Why? Because I feel so much more focused now. I'm not sure if it is focus so much as panic but I'll take what I can get. The truth of the matter is I've studied more for more exam from about 1:00 am until now than I have all week for my midterm. And at the rate I was going, I wasn't going to study at all. And that would have been really horrible.

So you are probably all wondering what this stupid thing Lisa did was? Well, if you really want to know. After having a particularly horrible horrible lab where I ended up counting a whole vial of flies TWICE, I decided, why not go out for a beer after my lab? The thing is... one beer turned into well seeing as only four of us went out after the lab and only three of us were drinking beer and three pitchers were bought and drank over the course of 3 hours... one beer turned into a pitcher. It was only when I was walking home (stumbled, whatever) that I noticed the drunkenness truly set in. It is funny, because the last time I was as drunk as I was last night was the night I went out with Jane and Eric and could barely walk home. Beer seems to have that effect on me. Moral of the story, if you want to see me drunk, don't give me tequila. Give me 3 pints of beer or a pitcher. I have to drink a lot more tequila to get to the same place. And I love the fact I feel very little hangover after drinking beer. Yay water content :)We decided that we should plan to go out on the Friday after our next lab, to be a little more responsible and so more people come. And we were thinking of inviting the thurs/fri lab too because they would be done their lab too.

And it was really nice to sit and talk about my field about people who are equally passionate. And I didn't feel like a big nerd or geek or like I was only talking about one thing all night. We talked about more than just genetics. We talked about our families, experiences etc. Apparently there are people in the other lab that come to lab stoned. Honestly, I have no clue how they could do one of our labs high, not to mention how dangerous that would be. I mean we work with HIGHLY mutagenic substances. I mean they would have to be to do the cool things they do to DNA. Sometimes, I can barely keep everything straight when I am sober. Then again, my results are half decent whereas theirs probably suck. So these are the things you learn when you go out for beer with the TA.

But I feel much more sober now that I have had a three hour nap. I've also studied a good hour of witchcraft and I am planning on going early tomorrow and studying more. (we'll see, depends on how fast I fall asleep) It is funny how doing something fun the night before a midterm makes you feel all focused and ready to study for it. Anyhow... I am going to sleep again for a little while and get up and study more.

Mood: pretty good right now
Song: Virus of the Mind- Heather Nova

An interesting concept and because everyone else has: (I choose to be a sheep this time)

*******If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened.

Then post this in your journal. See what people remember about you...********

Obviously stuff is bothering me. I know because I generally have trouble focusing when stuff bothers me. Like today... I think I studied for an hour. That's not very much considering I have two midterms next week.

If I could afford it, I'd move out on my own next year. I don't know there are things I like and don't like about living here. I mostly only like the fact that I am close and I probably could sublet my place for the summer. I really hate moving every year. My roommates aren't people I could ever be friends with. They are very shallow and all at one point have done things that I have't liked. Mainly, they are often inconsiderate of the fact that there is a main floor bedroom by the kitchen. And none of them wanted to take it- I understand why Becky and Lindsay didn't. But Di says she is a light sleeper... but she is the one who is often up late in the living room, she is the one who has people over late in the living room. And she is usually up before the rest of us anyways. I don't know... out of all of us it would make the most sense for her to have the kitchen room. I like my room and it would be fine with you know, considerate roommates who don't have kitchen parties the night before exams and such. Or living room gatherings with drinking on Sunday nights. Honestly, this will sounds a little anal of me, but I think it would almost be common sense to you know, be quiet by about 12:00 am on a Sunday night.

I am almost considering asking Rachel if she has any spots free in the house she might be getting. At least I'd know that there wouldn't be any Sunday night drunk fests. I mean, sure I'd have to take the bus to school, but I'd almost rather do that then live here another year. I don't know... I'm just considering not living here next year.

Di is really the only person I can't stand. I never thought I'd meet a person that was so loud. And you can imagine I felt like screaming one morning when she told me I was being noisy. I felt like saying, you've obviously never heard how much noise you make in the morning. We are polar opposites. I'm annoyed by almost everything about her. She was mad we made a cleaning schedule. What she wanted to keep doing what we did last term, where Becky and I clean all the time, you clean once or twice and Lindsay doesn't clean at all? Becky and I were like I don't think so. I mean, we don't have to go in order as long as everyone cleans once a month. I'm going this weekend. I mean she can do a couple of weekends in a row when field hockey is over. I know she doesn't like me. Well, I don't like her either. Oh and another thing I hate about her- is how she always thinks she is right. Or how she thinks I am the person that scratches up her pans. I rarely use the pan that is all scratched up. And she always makes a point of being, "Oh my poor pan... its all scratched, people need to stop using metal on this or I'd going to put them away." Newsflash: even really expensive non-stick pans wear-out eventually. Even if you only use teflon on them, friction is friction and we are using them 4 times as much as she was on her own. Four times as much as a normal family would, because you tend to cook only one meal for a family and we each cook four.

So I guess I have ranted enough about my roommates... I guess if I left it would be because of Di. I mean, I'll never be friends with Becky or Lindsay but they don't get on my nerves. And they are both considerate most of the time.

I think the fact that I don't have a job yet for the summer sucks too. I hate that. Ugh... I really need to go to bed. It feels good to rant about something that has been bothering me for awhile.

State: Under the weather

Since the theme of this semester has been PROCRASTINATION... I figured I should write in my blog before studying for my genetics midterm.

Biggest pet peeve for the day: people who don't care to listen. I know I have been guilty of this too, especially when I am deep in concentration about other things or I am doing something that requires deep concentration, but I usually ask the person to repeat themselves because I do care what they are saying. I'm talking about when you are having a conversation with a group of people, and as soon as you start talking it seems like everyone kind of stops listening and then the conversation moves on as if you never said anything. I'm sure I've done it too, and if I have done it to anyone that reads this, I am truly sorry, because I do really hate it. I also hate that I could be guilty of such a thing. I think the only solution, in my case, is to spend less time with these types of people and be conscious enough not to do it myself.

I had a horrible sleep last night. Horrible. I think I maybe slept for 4 hours. I had weird dreams about my lab and missing safewalk because I was at a play and they made me take my shoes off and the play was horrible and we wanted to leave during intermission, but they would give us back our shoes. I just made myself two Chai lattes. They were both really good. But I noticed that I have to use two tea bags of my crappy tetley Chai tea to get it to taste the same as the wonderful loose Chai I bought at Steeps. Their Chai is amazing...

I was going to post something, but I'm too many things right now. Feeling to many things that is to be coherent. I'm tired, annoyed at my stupid "How to think about Weird things" book, frustrated in more than one way, happy, panicked, etc. You get the picture. I'm probably just tired. I'm in need of a good cuddle. I think I'll go cuddle with bear and minou now... aka go to sleep.

State: See above

Today I am starting my top secret operation. Well tomorrow really... and I guess it really isn't top secret, because I am writing about it on here.

The operation involves:

1) Spending more time with people I do feel like I can become close friends with, and not spreading myself so thin. I'd rather have two or three really close friends than 5 or 6 superficial ones. I like having lots of friends and I'm always open to more, but at the same time I need to take this time to get to know the people I have already met. This includes keeping in better touch with my friends in places far from here.

2) Doing things I'm scared to do. Stepping out of my comfort zone or 'off the edge' as Daley put it in his comment. That kind of sounds like jumping off a cliff, but I'm pretty sure he didn't mean it like that. I need to vulnerabilize myself in order to completely be myself so that is what I am going to do.

3) Doing things because I want to do them. This is fairly self explanatory...

4) Having no regrets and being happy with the choices I have made.

5) Continue to have a good sense of humor regarding myself. I'm not sure why, but some of the most fun times I've ever had have been at the expense of myself. I enjoy laughing at myself. Life is too short too take everything seriously.

6) Develop better self-esteem. I think this will come with time and also from surrounding myself with supportive people. Although self-esteem is something one develops on their own, it doesn't hurt to have some people there to support you :)

I think that is all for now. I don't expect to have this all accomplished in a certain amount of time, more that it will be a lifestyle change. Only I can change the way I feel inside and I am the only one who can bring myself out of isolation.

State: not bad
Song: Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson

I'm scared of getting hurt but I guess most people are. Part of me is very bold, part of me can see myself asking a guy out- the part of me that is confident that someone might say yes. The other part of me, the part of me that pushes people away when they get too close, the part that says no to people without even thinking- that part of me is insecure.

I hide behind my geekiness. Yes, I am a geek. I always have been and probably always will be. But it is a much smaller part of who I am than I make it out to be, or than most people probably think. But it is my fault people don't get to know more than that about me. I mean, for a lot of the people I meet at University, all I talk about is school. So, really I haven't given them a chance to know anything more about me really. It is funny, in high school I'd pretty much tell anyone who'd listen everything and everything about myself. I still talk a lot, but I don't disclose as much about myself as I did in high school. I made myself very vulnerable in high school, and I was hurt a few times because of it. What I share with most people now is fairly superficial. But I think this is more of how it should be. The few and select know a lot about me, and most people only know what they need to know. The result of this is me having very few people I am truly close to in Edmonton. And that sometimes can be lonely.

I miss my friends that already know everything about me, the ones that know when I am upset just by looking at me. The ones that you can just get together and do nothing and still have fun. The ones that I never run out of silly things to chat about. The ones that know when I am up for something crazy by the look in my eyes. The ones that don't get scared by my crazy look. At least not usually...

I don't know where I am going with this... Sometimes I guess I feel like I am back in high school, where I feel like I need people to like me. I feel like I need to impress them. I hate that feeling, and I hate the way I act when I feel like that. And I've been feeling like that too much lately. I haven't felt like that since high school and not even that much in high school. More so in junior high.

Hmmm I've lost my train of thought, but I need to start working on all of this or I won't be happy. I mean, if I don't do anything about it I'll end up being depressed or something like that. And that isn't fun at all...

I think I'll head off to bed now as it is quite late!

State: Pensive, but good
Songs: Bulletproof- Blue Rodeo, The Only Living Boy in New York- Simon and Garfunkel

Yesterday, I was trying to find a glass to put some tea in and one of the ones I pulled out had, get this, fruit fly pupae cases on them. I never thought I'd ever see those outside of my lab. It grossed me out to say the least. I put it on the counter to see if people would notice, but no one did. They just loaded the glass into the dishwasher and ran the dishwasher last night. It now has occurred to me, that they might not know what fruit fly pupae look like and for that I do not blame them. I realize it takes a pretty big geeks to be like, "Oh there are some fruit fly pupae cases." Anyhow back to the story...

I'm unloading the dishwasher today, and because our dishwasher sucks, I wanted to see if it managed to get the glass clean. Lo and behold, there were still pupae cases stuck to the side of the glass. I decided right then and there that I was fed up with searching though the cupboard for a clean glass. So I took all of the glasses I felt had enough baked on fruit to possibly grow some more flies on them (even though I probably didn't dirty them to that extent) and gave them one of the best scrubbings they've probably seen all year. So mom isn't lying to you when she says its so dirty there are probably bug growing. (she used to say that to get me to clean my room) Apparently, our glasses were so dirty there were flies growing on them. And that my friends is really, really gross.

I think I had something deep and meaningful to say. But it got scared out of me by seeing stuff I would have preferred to only ever see in the lab, on glasses that I drink water from.

State: grossed out, but good
Song: I don't wanna be- Gavin DeGraw

I was thinking about this on my way to school, and surprisingly I haven't forgotten about it. It is nothing too earth shattering. Something I've just been in denial about because I happen to not enjoy it. What is this thing I speak of? Well, it is actually a subject. I know they always tell you how important math is, but you don't think about that when you are taking an abstract math class. I mean it is hard for me, someone who doesn't like numbers, to make the link between some of the abstract math you learn in school, to stuff that actually matters to me. I'm sure I'm not the only one. For those of us out there that have trouble with math, I think a lot of us have problems with just doing math for the math's sake.

I don't know I guess I rediscovered a tiny place in my heart or maybe my mind for math. I know that sounds really really corny, but ever since I took Linear Algebra, me and math haven't really been on speaking terms. But this term, two of my courses are a little more math based than anything I have taken since first year. Simple math, mind you which could be a big part in why I enjoy it. It made me realize also that almost every useful piece of math knowledge I learned in grade 8. I mean, simple algebra will get you far in life. I even used it in cooking the other day. I guess the other most useful piece of math/chemistry info I learned in grade 12 was unit analysis. Never needed to memorize another formula again.

So I'm not sure why I just spent this entry writing about math, but it seems important, and I honestly wish I had taken calculus because I feel so out of the math loop. My reason for not liking math is stupid really and I should get over it. Although it is frustrating when you make stupid mistakes like switching numbers (ie- 69 becomes 96 or any 6 becomes a 9)because often I'll understand the concept and then still get the wrong answers, so I think I'm doing it wrong but its really because of my tendency to switch numbers. grrr... I'd love to know why I think 6 and then write 9 when I am not paying attention. I've done this as long as I can remember. I almost always catch it though. That and switching b's and d's.

Well, I think I've rambled/wasted enough time so I will get back to my population genetics studying.

State: Decent
Song: Hey Pretty- Poe

Since I'm not doing so hot with the studying of the population genetics I figured I'd post on here.

Today, definitely an interesting day in the lab. All of my male flies but one died on me so I had to add some more. I also managed to set a plate of ethanol on fire and melt some Petri dish and a glass rod together. L'Art Nouveau as my TA called it. Unfortunately, it will be show and tell on Monday which is kind of embarassing. I'll probably turn red and everyone will know it was me. That said, I have a big mouth and most people are going to know it was me by then anyways so really it doesn't matter.

Anyhow, that is all for today. I have nothing too fascinating to divulge today. No deep thoughts today, well maybe not none, but none that I really want to share.

Anyhow... I think I should go at least read over my notes once for the night.

State: good
Song: Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson

I figured I should update seeing as yesterday I was a tad unhappy. Today was much better, just as I predicted it would be.

Chad thought it appropriate that we dub Mondays: Lab Monkey Mondays. Because it is the day the lab monkeys (aka us) go to the lab. So this is my account of Lab Monkey Monday.

I'll just skip to the lab, because that is the most interesting part. Today, I helped the TA teach the class how to do stoichiometery again. Yesterday, on the horrible day that was yesterday I taught myself how to do stoichiometry again. I know this will sounds bad, but it felt nice to feel smart again. I feel so out of my league in lectures sometime. I mean, I'm not the type of person that does well when everything is memorized and it is all detail memorizing and not applied. But once something is applied, I'm totally in my element. I mean things make so much more sense to me when I can experience them myself.

Okay so moving on, the story won't be as funny as it was went it happened. So we were counting our flies and scoring them by phenotype- males and female, stubble or not etc. And I am having a lot of trouble telling the males from the females, so I say, "Usually, I don't have trouble telling males and females apart..." and before I could even finish our TA, Monica, says,"Maybe its because they are flies?" lol like I said you had to be there. And then I said, "I'm having trouble getting males," and of course I got made fun of for that. I only did get five of the male flies that I was supposed to get. Two in one vial, three in the other each of those vials with 10 virgins each. I though of naming them... (the males that is). But it is too late now. I like to call my fly vials "little harems" because that is precisely what they are.

So we are thinking of going out on Valentine's day for Margarita Monday as a lab. I think that would be fun and I say as a lab but I've really only talked about it with Chad, Leanne and Sarah so we'll see.

I was so happy we finished early today and I even had enough energy to cook myself some dinner. And that is exciting... sigh. Why do I like labs so much? I don't know and I don't care. Lets just hope things go as well tomorrow!

State: wonderful
Song: A Movie Script Ending- Death Cab for Cutie

I should be in bed right now but at the same time I want to vent on here. I'm feeling so many things right now and unfortunately, not one of those feelings is good. In fact, I'm not sure I've felt this horrible in quite some time. Well I guess that means it is about time. I could list everything I'm feeling, but there really isn't much point because: 1) I'm sure no one really cares and 2) I don't feel like it. I mean, why drag everyone else down with my problems?

I should go to bed and sleep and hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be okay. It's a nice thought anyhow... I have to go to bed now or tomorrow things will be even less okay than if I were to keep writing.

Goodnight...

State: Awful
Song:Crestfallen- Smashing Pumpkins (the pessimist in me)/Breakaway- Kelly Clarkson (the optimist in me)

libido + being single = not very fun.

Okay, so that might make me sounds like some sex-obsessed person, but I don't care. I mean, why don't girls talk about being sexually frustrated more than they do?Maybe I have a higher sex drive than some, but sometimes I feel like I am the only one...I know rationally that I am not. Although my roommates are pretty open about these discussions. But sexually frustrated does not = desperate. There is a difference. Also, I'm perplexed at the evolutionary ingenious of how even someone who has never had sex can want it. My question is: how can I miss something I've never had? Its weird but true. Maybe I'd miss it even more if I have had it.

I'm also frustrated that I can't sleep. So basically I'm just frustrated all around.

State: grrrr stupid libido
Song: I don't wanna be- Gavin DeGraw

I think too much.

State: Thinking.
Song: I Don't Wanna Be- Gavin DeGraw

Hmmm... I guess I just felt like posting. Nothing in particular really. I went to see Rachel today, before she heads off to Congo. It was nice to visit with her. And I finally got to see the apartment that she lived in for the past two years. Yes, my first time there and it looked nothing like it did while see lived in it because I saw it without furniture. For some reason, because I only had one class today, it felt like a weekend day. I have done very little school work today, but that is okay. Oh right, kinda of scary- these two guys got taken down by the police right at the bus stop I was waiting at to go back to the university. It was kind of scary and then these people tried to sell me knives... well give me free stuff first and then try and sell me supposedly $70 knives for like $20. But honestly, a box of that many knives for 70 dollars, they aren't going to be great quality. And the fact that you can sell them for $20, means they have to be fairly cheap in the first place. Call me a knife snob, I probably am after using Cutco for half a year already. When I have money, I'm buying Cutco. It's well worth the investment. I mean, knife gets dull you send it in and they send you a new one. And you can pass them on to your kids and they can do the same.

I also had my yoga class today. Today, it was actually pretty hard. But it always makes me feel so wonderful after, I'm sad I didn't take yoga up a long time ago. It really clears the mind and destresses. Anyhow, I should go to bed. It may be friday tomorrow, but I still have lots I want to get done. Oh and that is another thing. Is the governement stupid? I send my student loan money to the university for a reason- to pay my tuition. So why do I have a cheque for my student loan money on me? Why is my tuition not paid? Oh right, because the government sent it to the wrong place. Its really easy to fix, but kind of annoying. I think that is it...

State: Dead tired, but relaxed
Song: New Slang- Garden State

Okay I know I said I was going to sleep, but I decided I wanted to do some research for my witchcraft class, and I came across this site: DNA as a sacred text. I mean, I think that DNA is really cool, seeing as I've devoted my whole degree and possibly career to it, but sacred text? I don't know about that...I guess if you call science a religion, DNA might be the sacred text. Or math might be... hmmm who knows :)

So now I'm actually going to go to bed :)

I had a nightmare last night. Only a nightmare because it was the last thing I wanted to experience again in my sleep. I just kept loading gels in my dream. One after another. I guess that is what I might end up doing, so hopefully I get better at it. It's funny because Sarah had the same dream.

I guess lately I've been feeling kind of isolated up here. I mean, there are berry few people I talk to about anything other than school. I think school is my cover topic, when I can think of nothing else. It is my security blanket. I'm trying to let go, but it is hard when it is such a huge part of my life. I feel like no one knows anything about me. Probably untrue... actually really untrue. There is very few people I feel that certain connection with- the one that only comes with certain people, your closest friends. The ones you can talk to about anything or almost anything... and they just know you and you can just be yourself around them- no effort... and they may make fun of you sometimes, but its all in good fun. I don't know, I'm missing that a lot of time here. I mean, I love that playing pool at Caitlin's never seems to get old. Or talking to Lindsay (my roomie) until 3 am in the morning about just about everything never gets old. Going for walks with Daley, if only to the Safeway to buy some chocolate or groceries at 11 pm- that never got old either (at least for me it didn't).

I really don't know where I am going with this... if I were a good writer I would make it sound all pretty and it would have direction and such. But I am tired so I think I'll just end it here for now... perhaps more ramblings at a later time.

State: Isolated
Song: The Horizon Had Been Defeated- Jack Johnson

sigh... so tired. No coherent thoughts goes through my head. I'm supposed to do this assignment for my genetics class, not for marks but it is due tomorrow and I'm not done. Nor do I feel like finishing it. Nor do I care how they figured about how centromeres work or how they figured it out. It was good the first time he presented it in class. But now I'm tired and more worried about how I'm going to interpret my horrible gel.

I had my climbing class today. It is really good. I really like it...

I'm tired... I shouldn't be posting.

So I finished most of the stupid assignment. I need to fix my attitude if I want to do as well as I want.

Sleep calls...

State: too time to care
Song: The Places You Have Come To Fear the Most- Dashboard Confessional