A little update for everyone... I had an awesome time last night. I thought I was going to have another boring night of either sitting in front of the computer or the TV wishing I was out somewhere when I get a phone call from Jane at 9:30 asking me if I either wanting to go Kareoke or to eigties metal with Micki and her friend Melissa. Couldn't find a good kareoke place so we went to meet micki and her friend at Morgan's on 17th for eighties metal. The bouncers were mean and wouldn't let us in, so we talked to micki and she said she would meet us up later and off to the Ship and Anchor Jane and I did go.

The Ship had a line, but it moved quickly and soon we were in the warm and smokiness of the bar. Got our drinks- a free pepsi for me as I was driving and a Keith's for Jane. Shortly after that we found a table and laughed at the wonderfully hokey music they were playing- as a pub should.

Micki and her friend joined us after about a half hour which was nice. She almost didn't come, but Jane smooth talked her into it- not that that was very hard. So we spent the next three hours catching up on old times and laughing at me being hyper. Apparently I don't need alcohol to act stupid around my friends.

Brought Jane and Micki home, which was also an adventure. They kept trying to give me directions, but um I'm not sure they were really in any state to give me such directions so I just blocked them out and went my own way and that worked out fine.

Got home at the wonderful hour of 3:15 am. I couldn't sleep... I've discovered this not sleeping to now not be an effect of alcohol so much (I always thought it was) but more the effect of staying up far to late past my sleepiness time. It's okay, I'll sacrifice sleep for my friends. I have pictures of this night- but they are far to embarassing to post so I won't... well not without permission and I don't think I'll et that.

We are going shopping today which should be fun. Anyhow... I should go shower because I am meeting them at 1:00 pm. Bye for now and Happy New Years Everyone!

State: Very Tired
Song: none... too tired to think of song

Man, this week has been a real rollercoster ride. One minute I'm happy and the other I'm in tears. I had a wonderful afternoon with my father. We went out for lunch and saw the Last Samurai. It was a much better movie than I expected. Of course a warning- if you are emotional like me you might spend the last hour crying.

Despite the sad movie I was happy when I got home. Jane had called when I got home. I called her back. It was nice to talk to her. I guess I'm more angry, no not angry, hurt upset by the past couple days than I thought. I just , I don't know what I was thinking but for some reason I feel horrible. I don't know what to do. I know what I don't want to do, but I know I'll end up doing it anyhow so it doesn't matter.

Why am I unable to tell them how I feel? I think I'm mostly afraid of being blamed for whatever even when I will know that it isn't my fault. So I guess that's why I feel it best not to say anything at all. Why do I keep my emotions so bottled up? It isn't healthy. Sometimes I keep my emotions so tightly under wraps that I don't even know myself what I am feeling.

I think I am going to go rent myself a funny movie to cheer myself up. Maybe it will keep me from crying for a couple of hours. I hope I don't regret posting this later. Oh who gives a fuck anymore?/

State: Upset and Distraught
Song: Divided- Tegan and Sara

Today was a good day. I'm feeling better about life in general today. I decided when I was going back to Edmonton too. I decided that Friday is the day. So if my friends can't see me before then, then I guess they won't be seeing me. There isn't much else I can do. Besides, I turned the heat down in my house and I have to get up there before it hits minus 29.

I don't know what I will do for New Years, but I'm hoping I'll do something good. Last New year's was pretty great, but I have a feeling this year's won't be like that. Just a feeling. It's pretty hard to have New Years we people that you can't get a hold of. I just don't want to get my hopes up so that they don't get crushed. I have a tendency of doing that.

Sigh... so yeah. I'm kind of excited to go back to Edmonton. This holiday was good, it made me realize what I like about Edmonton. Not to mention what I don't like...

I've also decided I want to take a wine tasting course. Who knows when that is going to happen though. I don't know why I have the desire to take a wine tasting course but I do. Maybe because I'd like to know a bit more than I do now. Right now I pick wine out based on the attractiveness of the label. I want that to change.

Anyhow, I think I'll go read my book. I'm reading Crossroads of Twilight By Robert Jordan. I'm feeding my silly addiction to the Wheel of Time that I started unknowingly in grade seven. Hmmm I'm really enjoying this digital camera. How fun.

State: Better than yesterday
Song: Nothing in particular- I like One Thing - Finger Eleven and Just Me- Tegan and Sarah

Okay- I was talking to Roy online and he said the following that made me laugh and cheered me up: "I love people, just not most of them." Sigh, I can always count on him to cheer me up.

Right now I am planning what courses I will take in years 3 and 4 of my degree. That's right aka- Lisa is a big geek. I'm not even sure I want to continue with this degree.

State: I think I'll go sit at Table 9- with the rest of the freaks...
Song: Wishing you were somehow here again- The Phantom of the Opera

I can't post what I want to post. I just can't bring myself to do it.

State: puzzled and upset with myself
Song: Fallen- Sarah McLaughlan

Hmmm... An interesting thought just occured to me. I'm wondering if all of my indecision on whether I still wanted to pursue genetics was mostly due to other people questioning my degree path?

I don't know why I like it- but I do. There are parts that I don't like... like bacterial genetics doesn't really excite me that much... but I am really looking forward to taking GENET 275- genetics of higher organisms. It is all the stuff I loved about my last genetics course and it sounds like fun.

I also think I am nuts to be thinking about school right now. I guess it just popped into my head. Okay, back to being on holidays and not thinking about school related stuff.

State: Pensive

I think I might be having too much fun with this new digital camera I got for christmas. What I really should be doing right now is sleeping and not playing with posting pictures on the web. Oh well, I don't have much else to do. I've been having fun fiddling with html and making tables to put my pictures in. I haven't figured out how to put the picture title below the picture instead of above. I think it kinda looks sill the way I have it but I haven't figured out how to tell the computer to do that so guess I'll have to live with it. I think spent I little too much time working on something as simple as what I have been doing. But I guess that is all part of the learning process.

It took me long enough to get the picture to show up where I wanted them in the entry let alone get the text to wrap around the picture. I think I am getting the hang of it. I'll post the other pictures that I was working with just for fun. I'm still having a bit of trouble, and I'm really just typing all of this so that I can take up space. I'm sure I have something meaningful talk about- actually I'm sure I do, but I don't feel like it right now. Or maybe I do and I am do playing a game? I guess we'll never know because I am just rambling about nothing right now.

Time for another picture. This was my just playing around with the camera and I kinda liked the effect. I wasn't posing or anything. I guess I wasn't really aware that I was taking a picture of myself however that works and that is what came out. Oh boy, after this entry people are really going to think I am nuts. That's what happens when you isolate me in my home for awhile. The isolation is my own fault. I don't call anyone so how can I expect to do anything with anyone? I can't. It doesn't work that way and I know it. So tomorrow I am going to call some people and do something with myself. Not that I didn't do anything today. I went shopping and bought some cool clothes with my christmas money. I just want to see people before I go back to Edmonton and I am running out of time.

hmmm I'm just thinking: I need to get out more. Before I drive myself nuts. I watched Freaky Friday tonight with my mom. I actually enjoyed it in a weird reliving my youth kinda way. Man, I sound so old. I really need to get out more.

State: Feeling Old
Song: My Number- Tegan and Sarah

To start off: Merry Christmas Everyone!

sigh... unfourtunately I had to get sick right before christmas. I'm not really sick, but just sick enough for it to be annoying.

Only mark I don't have is psych- which I'm not too worried about. Genetics came in at a relatively unsurprising A- so I'm happy that I didn't stress myself over studying for that one.

So far this year I'm doing better than last year. I've probably said that before... I'm kinda hazy right now due to my cold.

I feel like I am running out of time to do everything I want to do. I never seem to get anything I want to get done... well done.

Anyhow I should end this so I can get some stuff done. Going to a movie later today with my mom. That should be fun.

State: So much to do, so little time

Yay! I got my biochem mark back and ended up with a B. This is good. So far my average is a steady 3.3 which is where I'd like it to be. I hope it either gets higher with my genetics mark and my psych mark or stays the same. That would rock.

Had an awesome time with Rachel and Jane today. It was great... we hung out and OD'ed on sugar and chocolate. Finally decided to go for a walk which is one of my favorite activities and then proceeded home to make dinner. Had a hot tub while we waited for our guests to arrive... and then we ate our wonderful feast.

Rachel had to go home so after she left we played cards with Jane's cousins. It was good fun. Introduced young Nat to the game of president and also played a very rowdy game of spoons. I love that game... highly addictive. So is president, but Jane and I were summoned to clean up our kitchen mess before we could really get hooked in.

Then she drove me and now I am here. I think now I should go to bed after my endlessly fun day.

State: Enjoying the holidays :)
Song: Possesion- Sarah McLaughlan

I am now two thirds of the way through watching the 2nd season of sex and the city and I understand a lot more about the current season now that I've seen the background.

I got the sweetest jacket at value village today. It comes to about my knees and it is green with toggles. I love it... my dream jacket you might say. And all for the low Value Village Price of 20$. It looks like it costs about 120$ at least and it looks like it has bearly been used.

The holidays are going by fast... and I've hardly done anything.

Going to see Jane and Rachel tomorrow. That should be fun. I guess I don't have much to talk about.

I had a great dream last night. Great and yet I awoke feeling so alone. Most of the dream was spent cuddling in the arms of this really handsome guy. Nothing kinky... just cuddling. It was so nice. I didn't want it to end. But alas all good things must come to an end.

I could go on and on and complain more and more about my loneliness- but that really isn't going to do anything about it. So I won't.

I think I'll go to bed instead. Goodnight...

State: Same old
Song: Fear- Sarah McLaughlan

phew... I hurt. Today I used muscles I forgot existed. Went up to Kicking Horse with Jane and Caimin for Calgary Day which meant lift tickets were only 10$. I had never been up to Kicking Horse and for the most part I really enjoyed it. One thing they don't have there is good signage... I never really knew what runs I was on or what difficulty they were. It was funny because usually I warm myself up on the first run and do something easy so I can remember and the important stuff, like how to turn and such. But the lift at Kicking Horse takes you right up to the summit. hehehe so my first run was a black with lots of bumps and some powder that I did a face plant into.

My first run was probably the longest run I've ever done in my whole life and it was great. I even went into the trees a bit- my own choice and that was fun.

After lunch, I had another great but short run. Short because I couldn't figure out what run I wanted to take and ended up taking the stupid traverse the whole way down. But that's okay because my next run made up for it. That run I found some great bumps that were nice and soft. Because of the funny signage I though I was going on blues but then I would be on them and I'd be like this feels a lot more like a black- blues are usually groomed and such and don't have huge bumps and stuff. But then I was like- meh whatever I'm enjoying it so who really cares what they are. I kinda got stranded on the one side from this awesome run I had found and had to jump over this creek thing to get back to where I could get the gondola. hehehe that was amusing. But no one was around to laugh at me so I guess I was just laughing at myself.

So that was my wonderful day and skiing. Jane and I talked about going out dancing tonight but as you can see I think we both came to our senses and decided to not push our bodies much farther tonight.

I think I will have sweet snowriding dreams tonight...

State: Very sore, but blissful
Song: Summertime- Sublime

Ahhh... much better mood tonight. I love the bus service now. Got myself to Jane's house in just under a half hour and had to wander around Kensington so that I would be sure not to get to her house too early. She had already been woken up at nine with a phone call from Halifax though, so really I could have gone in.

We went to the Kilnary and I made presents for my step mom and my dad. I really hope they turn out.

Finally watched Finding Nemo... sigh. I love that movie. It is so great.

Must sleep... awakening in 5 hours and 45 minutes to go skiing... or snowblading whatever I might choose.

State: So normal= so great
Song: Beyond the Sea

And now for something a little more serious.... I think.

I guess I have been thinking too much tonight. About what you might ask? Or not. I'm not sure I even care to answer that question. Or that anyone really cares to know the answer.

Most of the time I feel like I'm an open book, and for the most part I am. I hide very little of what I am feeling from people. Or at least this is what I'd like to believe. It's the lie I tell myself. The feelings I hide from others are the same feelings I hide from myself otherwise I wouldn't be able to hide them. That's the way I work. Even I don't want someone to know how I am feeling, if I am aware of the way I feeling, it is very hard to hide the truth. I don't even know where I am going with this entry.

So maybe I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling right now. What good is a university English class if I can't even articulate how I feel? Not that I learned anything in that course. Maybe how to B.S. my way through English essays while remaining concise. I've strayed off topic...

What I have been thinking about tonight really hasn't changed much from any other night or day lately. Where am I going in life? What I am I going to do? And more importantly: Why I am doing what I am doing right now? I enjoy the classes or at least I have myself convinced I do. What I am not happy with is the amount of time I seem to have devoted to school. All I do is eat sleep and study and this has made me a dull person. It's all I talk about, because it is all I do. I've submersed myself in school and lost myself along the way. Maybe I'm not lost. But I certainly feel mechnised or something or that sort. Sometimes school, let alone living in Edmonton, doesn't feel real. It feels like I've been transported to some sort of alternate universe. Maybe that's why I could never settle in Edmonton. Although the city exists, it doesn't feel real to me. I don't feel alive there. As much as I'd like to stay there to keep my place and not have to move all my stuff back to Calgary and try to find a job here, I'm not sure I'd be able to stay there for the summer.

A month ago yesterday I wrote an entry (november 17) about my confusion about what I want to do with my life. I still don't really know. But I think through the course of studying for my psych exam I decided I don't really want a degree in that. I still might want to do some sort of counselling type thing, but I'm not sure I could concentrate all of my energy to that cause. I think I honestly do like the courses I just finished (minus biochem). It's hard to really like something when you have to constantly defend why you like it. Or maybe I don't really like it and I'm just trying to defend my choices to myself. That statement seems like an outright lie to me though.

I just wish I'd stop feeling so empty inside. I wish I was less confused. I wish I could stop thinking for a moment so I can enjoy my holidays. I guess I go to bed as there is no one online to talk to and I probably have to get up at a half decently early hour so I can make it to Jane's by 10.

Goodnight.

State: Confused, empty and alone...
Songs: Deliver me - Moist and The Scientist- Coldplay

Another mark has come in and the verdict is good :) A- in microbiology, the course I thought might kill me. Or was biochem the course I thought might kill me? hmm it still might.

I'm very happy, so far so good as far as my marks are concerned.

Got out of the house today which is always nice. I think I remember chinooks being warmer than this, but any chinook is better than no chinook at all.

Going to see Jane tomorrow at 10. That should be fun...

It's too cold to be sitting in my basement. So I'm going to go.

State: Enjoying the holidays

So I'm home now. And boy does it feel good. I don't think Edmonton will ever be more to me than the place I go to school. I don't know it like I know Calgary. And as corny as this will sound Edmonton hasn't ingrained itself into my soul. I think I will always be Calgarian at heart. There are even other places in Canada that feel more like home to me than Edmonton. For example- Montreal. I love that city and I feel very at ease there- almost like I have a connection with the city. And I don't feel that as much with Edmonton. hmmm Maybe I'm not compatible.

I did another silly quiz. No surprises here.

The Moon: The moon signifies the subconscious, the
dream world, imagination, fluctuation,
intuition, occult power, hallucination, hidden
forces, deception, and creativity. It denotes
the subconscious, dreams, illusion, mystery,
storms weathered, uncertainty, deception, a
loved one's misfortune, or an emotional crisis.


Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Anyhow, I think that now that I have checked my mail and my grades for the day (of which there was nothing new) I think I'll end this.

State: Pretty Happy
Song: California- Phantom Planet

So I started off this evening by watching Episodes 4, 5, 6 of season one of Sex and the City and that made me happy because it's about four single women and they are often just as alone as I am (just as often not- but that's beside the point). I really liked the last episode I watched on secret relationships. It was intruiging. I don't know- there is something very real about that show. Maybe not so much the story lines, but the feelings and ideas in the show are very real. It always manages to make me laugh and make me feel good about being single.

I just finished watching the lastest episode of the O.C.. I'm really not sure why I am addicted to a stupid teen soap, but I am. It always somehow makes me feel crappy though about being alone. I mean- you would think that because I can watch Sex and the City and their countless sexual escapades that I'd be able to watch people on the O.C. kiss. I'm able to watch, but no fail it makes me feel so lonely. There is entirely too much kissing on that show. Wow, I sound bitter. Well maybe I am. You might be too if you have gone as long as I have without kissing anyone.

I think I'm going to go watch episode 7 of Sex and the City to make myself feel better.

State: Bitter
Song: One- Aimee Mann

YAY! I'm done. The exam wasn't so bad and I must have done okay on my anthro final because I ended up with a B+. Considering the effort I didn't put into that course I'm happy. I like options that don't require a lot of work and give me decent marks!

too excited to type anything!

State: Huge weight lifted off my shoulders
Song:All or Nothing - Athena Cage

I don't know why I feel the need to post again. Maybe because I have no one here to freak out to. Instead of studying I spent an hour and half talking on the phone with Rachel. We had a nice conversation but then I decided I should go.

I feel like I haven't studied enough and that I am not ready. This isn't really what concerns me. What concerns me is that I am not concerned about this. I'm no freaking out like I did before biochem. Maybe I do know the stuff. I have no idea. That's what scares me. Oh well not much I can do about that. Perhaps I'll go to bed and sleep so I don't make stupid mistakes. That sounds good. Now the question is whether or not I'll do it. hmmm

State: Falsely confident.
Song: Where is the Love? - The Black Eyed Peas

Okay... I've been getting more done. Not much more. But more. I'm going to keep doing problems... but I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I might read over my notes on this last stuff one more time so I know what is going on with the DNA fingerprinting and such.

Bedtime soon... yay! Then I can stop studying :)

State: All studied out
Song: Where is the Love?- The Black Eyed Peas (I've had it on repeat for I don't know a few hours now...)

Ahh... new strong bad e-mail.

I wish I had some caffeine.

hehehe

Strong Sad + caffeine = SCIENCE

Click Here to see new strong bad e-mail!