And now for something a little more serious.... I think.

I guess I have been thinking too much tonight. About what you might ask? Or not. I'm not sure I even care to answer that question. Or that anyone really cares to know the answer.

Most of the time I feel like I'm an open book, and for the most part I am. I hide very little of what I am feeling from people. Or at least this is what I'd like to believe. It's the lie I tell myself. The feelings I hide from others are the same feelings I hide from myself otherwise I wouldn't be able to hide them. That's the way I work. Even I don't want someone to know how I am feeling, if I am aware of the way I feeling, it is very hard to hide the truth. I don't even know where I am going with this entry.

So maybe I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling right now. What good is a university English class if I can't even articulate how I feel? Not that I learned anything in that course. Maybe how to B.S. my way through English essays while remaining concise. I've strayed off topic...

What I have been thinking about tonight really hasn't changed much from any other night or day lately. Where am I going in life? What I am I going to do? And more importantly: Why I am doing what I am doing right now? I enjoy the classes or at least I have myself convinced I do. What I am not happy with is the amount of time I seem to have devoted to school. All I do is eat sleep and study and this has made me a dull person. It's all I talk about, because it is all I do. I've submersed myself in school and lost myself along the way. Maybe I'm not lost. But I certainly feel mechnised or something or that sort. Sometimes school, let alone living in Edmonton, doesn't feel real. It feels like I've been transported to some sort of alternate universe. Maybe that's why I could never settle in Edmonton. Although the city exists, it doesn't feel real to me. I don't feel alive there. As much as I'd like to stay there to keep my place and not have to move all my stuff back to Calgary and try to find a job here, I'm not sure I'd be able to stay there for the summer.

A month ago yesterday I wrote an entry (november 17) about my confusion about what I want to do with my life. I still don't really know. But I think through the course of studying for my psych exam I decided I don't really want a degree in that. I still might want to do some sort of counselling type thing, but I'm not sure I could concentrate all of my energy to that cause. I think I honestly do like the courses I just finished (minus biochem). It's hard to really like something when you have to constantly defend why you like it. Or maybe I don't really like it and I'm just trying to defend my choices to myself. That statement seems like an outright lie to me though.

I just wish I'd stop feeling so empty inside. I wish I was less confused. I wish I could stop thinking for a moment so I can enjoy my holidays. I guess I go to bed as there is no one online to talk to and I probably have to get up at a half decently early hour so I can make it to Jane's by 10.

Goodnight.

State: Confused, empty and alone...
Songs: Deliver me - Moist and The Scientist- Coldplay