The most thinking since...

I haven't thought this much about life and stuff in general for a long time. I'd love to expose what I have been thinking about, but some things are just too personal to share in an online journal.

I often wonder where I am headed in life... why am I here? What do I want to do with my life? Some of the answers to those questions are simple, others much more complex. I have a feeling I am going to be up late tonight thinking... and that certainly isn't a bad thing. I mean I have another day off tomorrow, so as long as I am alert enough to drive it is all good.

My mind is reeling... I simply can't write. I usually write to clear my mind... but I think I need to write to somebody in particular.

Working, Working and More Working

I've been working alot. Thankfully, I've been off since yesterday. I baked cookies today, read some book, and went to see my Dad.

Last weekend, I went to see Harry Potter with my mom in Medicine Hat. It was so cheap. I haven't paid $13.00 for two people to see a movie in a very long time. I enjoyed it, probably because I haven't read the fourth book in quite some time so I probably forget a lot.

I'm excited to go to Edmonton this weekend, although everyone is pretty busy so I'll probably be spending quite a bit of time alone. I kind of want to go shopping for new pants, but I don't really want to go without someone who knows the mall (which sounds dumb, but honestly it saves me a headache). I'll probably go anyways... or just go to southgate. My favourite store is there anyways.

I don't have much to say... I haven't been happy or sad lately. Just in this in between state. The state of the living dead. Stagnant. Never changing. Probably because that is what my job is like. And all I do is work so its no wonder. I have a feeling I'll come alive again this weekend. Just a feeling though. I'm not going to expect anything because I don't want to be let down. Taking the hair off my legs makes me feel like I am coming out of hibernation...

Maybe I am...

A Teary Tuesday

This past Tuesday brought the most tears I have cried since probably the death of my grandfather. And for no apparent reason... I woke up at 6:00 am that morning and started crying and didn't stop until about 7:00 am.

And then later, on my drive home to Brooks, I cried again for another half an hour. I started to think I was going crazy. I started to try and find reasons for my overwhelming sadness... and the conclusion I came to when I got home- it was all my blasted hormones. Sometimes I hate being a girl, with my monthly mood swings that send me into tears. It's weird how hormones can affect your mood so much. I mean I suddenly felt insecure about everything, all my thoughts were irrational and I was convinced that no one liked me. For no apparent reason.

But most of the time: I'm happy being a girl, I'm not insecure about most things, and I have mostly rational thoughts. And most of the time, I'm pretty sure all the important people in my life like me.

Anyhow... that is all for today.

Mood: Meh... have to work for the next three days
Countdown: 43 days, 10 hours and 52 minutes.

Reflecting on the Past

I was just packing what is left in my old room up today because my mom is moving and I got the urge to read my old journals. I found a letter I wrote to myself when I was 15 to be opened on my 18th birthday. I think I might share it with everyone- because even at the ripe "old" age of 22 I haven't acheived my dream. I don't know what made me think 18 would be a magic number, but it seems to be when you are younger. The comments in italics are me now, the rest I wrote when I was 15. Anyhow... without further ado...

How Life Will be When I'm 18

I have a dream and a reality image about what my life will be life when I am eighteen. I will start with my dream and end with my reality.

Dream
1) I will know what to do for the rest of my life
2) I will have a steady, without intercourse, relationship with a member of the opposite sex
3) I will be going to my dream school- an American Ivy league one- on full scholarship
4) I will be less screwed up than I was when I wrote this
5) I will have starred in at least one school play
6) I will have a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment
7) I will be happy with myself for who I am

Reality
1) I probably will still have no idea of what going to do with my life (still true to this day)
2) I don't really want a boyfriend, they tie you down (okay- being tied down isn't so bad)
3) I probably won't have taken the SAT's which are necessary for American schools and will not have enough money or scholarship money to go (nor do I want to go anymore)
4) I'll probably be just as screwed up as I am now (I think I have managed to become less screwed up thank goodness)
5) I don't think I will ever have a lead role because I prefer playing second string (that and I don't want to act anymore AT ALL!)
6) I can still hope for a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment (this I can say is coming)
7) I will hope to God that after changing schools to get away from those who bring me down, I will be happy with myself for who I am. (Changing schools didn't do this for me, I had to change my attitude and develop better self-esteem. I learned you can't run away from your problems- they have a tendency to follow you)

I don't think being eightteen will change much, except for the fact that I will now be allowed to legally drink alcohol (and vote and buy cigarettes) and that I will have finished my quest through public education.

The Dream is my eternal optimism coming through, and the reality is what I have observed from the world around me... so that is my view on how life will be three year from now.

Anyhow... I have to go, I just thought it was kind of interesting.

All good things must come to an end

It was fun while it lasted, but I'm heading home today to Brooks. The strike continues (although someone yesterday trying to tell me they had gone back to work), and the lastest news is the CFIA - the Canadian Food Inspection Agency is not crossing the picket line until they deem it safe to do so. (see news article here) Honestly, I don't blame them. The few times I crossed the picketline- not in the protection of the large van they brought us in last time- I was scared for my safety too. So we probably won't get any samples until they start working which means our 12 hour shift are going to go by really slow. Got to love essential services. The same thing would happen if we didn't cross the picket line. They could slaughter, but without our results from the slaughter samples, they can't process the meat and thus production would come to a halt. But the last time I went to work, there wasn't much of a picket line on our side which makes more sense.

I'm putting off driving home. I don't want to go. But I know I don't have that much longer so it isn't nearly as bad as it was before. Anyhow... life calls or at least life's little errands call. So until next time- Happy Trails!

State: Meh...

Good Things

For all the bad that has happened to me in the past little while, some good was eventually going to have to come. The good thing that has come from this strike is that I get a little holiday. YAY! Instead of only being off for the weekend, I'm off until Wednesday. I'm thrilled really. I was planning on going up to Edmonton anyways, but this means that I can stay longer than I might have before! And when I get back- I work two days and I have another weekend off. Honestly, I couldn't be luckier!!!

I think is over for the people that are striking. I mean the plant is running now, probably doing about half as much work as they did before the strike (one shift) and they are no longer bringing the scabs into our parking lot. They aren't even busing the workers over anymore. They are letting them drive right into the plant. This makes sense in a lot of ways. It means that instead of having to cross the picket line 3 times to get workers in, they only have to cross once to get in and once to get out. The buses where to protect the workers, but when you have to cross a picket line to get to the proctection of a bus it really defeats the purpose of a bus. The only problem with this is that it kind of slows traffic on the Trans-Canada highway. But I don't care about that really- there is a lane for the people who aren't going to Lakeside and one going to the plant. I feel a lot safer going to work. While they still stop us for 5 minutes going in and out, there are no taunt, name calling or intimidation because they know that we aren't part of the union and so cannot strike. It is much, much nicer. I think that we still get stopped because we are essential to the running of the plant so slowing us down, slows the plant down.

Anyhow... that's all I really have to say right now. I think I will go write me some e-mails telling people I'm invading Edmonton!

State: happy as a lark

The Strike

So maybe this is hitting fairly low on the news radar elsewhere, but here is it pretty big and serious. I just have a few opinions on the matter seeing as I am fairly directly involved even though I am not part of the union. They brought our people into it when they decided to put all the people wanting the cross the picket line on the property where the lab resides.

Because we are not union members we are required to go to work despite having no work to do. That will probably change soon as they have been able to get some people across the picket line into work on Tuesday and thus we will be returning to work tomorrow. What sucks is we have to cross the picket line too and suffer through all the name calling and abuse to go to work. I can tell that has not been fun at all. And honestly I don't think I should have to go through that to go to work. Tomorrow should be better because we are going in a van where they won't be able to see us. And when you get them to understand that you don't work for the packing plant, they seem to settle down; sometimes, it is hard to make them understand though.

I don't know why the union decided to strike without having a greater majority of people behind them. It almost defeats the purpose of a union. I mean a union is there to protect the workers against the company, but the only way they can do that is to provide a united front.

Anyhow... maybe I'll rant more later from the comfort of somewhere that is not Brooks. Until next time...

State: Opinionated

Why?

Why am I still so scared to open up to people, especially people I care about? I'm afraid of getting hurt and I guess not making yourself vulnerable, not sharing what you are feeling because you are scared about how someone will react saves you from getting hurt. It also saves you from having any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone. I know all this and yet I continue to keep things from the people I care about. I'm living a lie and I know it. This makes me sick inside. I want to change but I am scared. But what is worse- being honest and getting hurt or living a lie? I think I am going to have to choose honesty in the end.

Christmas and Other Travesties of Nature

Ever since I moved out of the trailer park, I have been looking to increase the amount of kitchen stuff I have. It sucks trying to cook in a poorly equipped kitchen, especially when one is used to having pretty much everything you need to make something. I'm almost there- right now I am missing big bowls but this is only because I am picky and want a certain type.

So, this weekend my mom and I decided to scope out the shops to see what deals we could find. I bought an awesome salad spinner (yes, I actually use a salad spinner- wet lettuce is a pet-peeve of mine), got a good deal on a toaster oven (which are much more practical than a simple toaster because you can do so much with them) and even bought some cookie sheets. All and all- a good lot of purchases. What sickened me more than anything while shopping for these items is that I felt like it was two months later than it actually is because most of the stores have their CHRISTMAS STUFF OUT!!! Is it just me or are the stores trying to shove Christmas down our throats earlier and earlier? I have nothing against doing Christmas shopping early- but can you hold off on putting of your christmas displays until Halloween is over? There isn't even snow on the ground yet. I know why they probably do it. It is a psychological thing. If people see Christmas stuff, they will think about Christmas and start thinking- "Oh I should start my shopping." And thus might start shopping sooner for gifts and might therefore might spend more money(the stores are hoping).

My mom and I had a good thankgiving. I made my first totally from scratch pie and it turned out really good. Pie turns out to be not so bad to make. I watched Hockey Night in Canada tonight. It was nice to see Hockey back on TV again. It was weird before to see movie night in Canada.

I wish I had someone to talk to tonight. It's kind of late to be phoning anyone, I would if I knew I wouldn't be waking anyone up. I get I'm just having one of those nights where it would be nice to hear someone's voice.

Ryan and I have been "together" for 6 months as of today. I think that would mean more to me if I had actually spent a lot of those 6 months with him. But as it is with long distance relationships, I haven't. It's hard, especially when I visit and I really don't want to leave.

Working at a job you know wouldn't make you happy for the rest of your life gives you lots of time to think about what you might like to do. I'm really not sure, but I have been thinking of maybe becoming a teacher of some sort either at the High School or College or even maybe the University level. I really don't know what kind of job I would be happy doing- but I am starting to consider those as an option because I love it when my friends come to me and ask me to explain stuff to them and I love the challenge of trying to get them to understand.

Anyhow... I thought I had something deep and meaningful to say this time, but I don't. I guess it's not meant to come out tonight. Hope everyone else has a most Happy Thanksgiving!

State: Lonely (a common state as of late)
Countdown: 84 days, 0 hours and 12 minutes remaining

No more guilt

I don't feel guilty anymore for leaving early. I was for awhile, even though I knew I shouldn't. Some people I will leave unnamed at work even tried to convince me to stay by guilting me with, " We spent all this money to train you, and you leave us so soon..." What I don't think they realize is I've invested a lot too. More than most people would for a job. I've risked and continue to risk my health. This is foremost in my mind right now after visiting my kidney doctor. My kidney's aren't working any better than they were three months ago. Not that I expected they would. I mean the doctors did told they were permanently damaged, but I guess in the back of my mind, I always hoped for some small miracle and that my kidneys would return to normal. But they haven't and I am seriously considering my doctor's recommendation of going on blood pressure medication. In fact, I am trying it for a week to see how my body reacts to it. Honestly, it scares me that to save my kidneys from dying young (and thus saying me from dying young) I might have to be on medication for the rest of my life.

All that said, how can I feel guilty for leaving a job that made me so sick in first place? I don't think I can. I think it was a really stupid decision, on my part, to go back in the first place, but I didn't think of it that way at the time. I guess what I've realized in the past little while is how short life is and how quickly it can be taken away from you. I think that is what kills me the most about being down in Brooks right now. I'm doing a job that requires very little thinking and other than the multitasking (which I am getting better at) offers me almost no mental challenge. It is sucking the life out of me. I don't feel like I am living right now, at least not when I am down there. What a difference I feel when I leave there even just to come spend time with my mom in Calgary. But leaving to come visit people in Calgary or Edmonton is bitter sweet because I know in a few short days I'll have to return to a place that makes me feel like I am dying inside. I've tried to make friends with at least my co-workers and they say they'll invite me to do stuff with them, but they never do. I feel like I am wasting part of my life, that all the time I am spending down there not living could be spent elsewhere- living.

I might sound melodramatic to some right now and I know some people will tell me, "Chin up, it will get better." Well, I will keep my chin up, but I doubt it will get better. I want to keep a positive attitude (or at least try to) so that time doesn't seem as wasted. I'll spend time on my hobbies, and hopefully that will make my days off pass more quickly. I'll try to keep my mind off the dead feeling I have inside and on to the good things in my life. Because time passes much more quickly when you don't wallow in your misery. I've spent too much time in my life doing that, so I'll just use my blog as a channel or vessel for my sadness and hope that perhaps I can carry on with just a glimmer of happiness.

State: Pensive

Nothing Heals Me Like You Do

I decided that my posts needed titles... mostly because I wanted to put a title on today.

Sigh... I don't want to go back. This weekend was just too good. When I pulled into Edmonton on Friday, I was instantly sad. Mostly because I knew I was going to have to leave in just a short few days. I wandered around the university- but this too just saddened me. I want to be back soooo bad. But things looked up from then on, although I didn't get to see everyone I wanted because people were busy with school stuff which is completely understandable.(Sorry I didn't call Jeanine- I really wanted to but kept leaving your number at home- I promise I'll call the next time I'm up and we'll do something- okay?)

I had some good talks with Ryan we spent some quality time together. It was really nice. It was one of those ordinary weekends, that are somehow so comforting. I don't know... I really don't have much to say about this weekend, other than it was great and I am sad that I am heading back to Brooks.

Anyhow... I think I might go shower and get ready so until next time- so long!

State: Sad to be going back
Song: London Rain- Heather Nova
Countdown: 97 days 12 hours and 57 minutes remaining

I haven't posted for awhile because my ex-roommate took off with the internet. I'm actually really jealous of her. I have to live with her fat, lazy boyfriend and she gets to be back at school and will see Ryan more than I will in the next three and half months. That's only because she is in his lab but still. I can't help but feel slightly bitter that she can pick up and leave, no notice, guilt free; while I slave away at work and carry some guilt about giving four months notice on leaving my internship.

Why do I do this to myself? Honestly, I haven't done anything wrong by wanting to leave early. I admit, 16 months experience would look better than 8, but honestly there is more to life than trying to get a good job. I don't feel like I am giving up a wonderful opportunity because I think I have already had one. People at work are trying to convince me to stay, but I don't think they understand why I am leaving. They try to convince me, if I try I will meet people and come to like it here. I don't doubt that they are right. I think I could meet people down here, and possibly even find it bearable. The thing is, nothing can replace the people I have met in Edmonton. Right now, I don't think this is the place for me to be.

I'm not even sure I should have taken the internship to begin with. I mean there were all sorts of signs to me that I shouldn't do it. My Uncle and step brother told me Brooks was a horrible place to live. And I got this funny feeling, that I shouldn't go right before I accepted the job. Something in my heart was telling me not to go. But my head told me I'd be silly to give up an opportunity like this, and so I took the job. Turns out I probably should have listened to my heart all along.

In other news, I found a new place to live. It is a Bachelor suite which means I will be living ALL BY MYSELF! Nothing could make me happier except maybe if it were January already and I was moving into a new place in Edmonton.

Also, I'll probably be in Edmonton on the 24, 25 and 26 of September. I can't wait!!

Anyhow... you probably won't hear from me for awhile again because of the lack of internet so, goodbye for now and hopefully I get around to posting sooner or later!

State: Lonely

Okay... so this will be a little bit of a rant. One petpeeve of mine is people who don't cash cheques right away. I wrote the 1st on the cheque so that I could see the money leave my account shortly thereafter. Not weeks later.

Not having internet again sucks. Especially because it isn't like my rent went down after internet service was discontinued... not that internet costed that much divided by three...

I'm looking for a place to live in for the next four months. I mean I want to be on my own, I'm sick of having roommmates. But I'm not sure I can afford it... especially in Brooks where everything is so expensive.

Ugh... I don't want to go back but I should at least shower and do something. That's how I can tell I hate this place so much. At least I'll be working, that makes time go faster.

Countdown:116 days, 11 hours and 28 minutes remaining
State: blah, sad to be going back

So I told my boss about leaving early (at the end of December) and she was fine with it. In fact she was more than fine with it, she understood completely and was happy I told her now. Now she has plenty of time to find a replacement and I get to leave guilty-free sans screwing anyone over. The plus side to that is that my supervisor is likely to give me a great reference which is what I need. Apparently, I had a wicked performance review. And I think I'll still be able to do Biology 400 which would get "Internship program" written on my diploma. I don't care so much about that one... in fact I wouldn't even care if I couldn't get that anymore.

Anyhow... the fact that I am leaving in 4 months makes work that much more bearable. I should go to bed though I have to get up somewhat early considering the time it is now.

State: Content

I'll be tired to tomorrow, but it was worth it to see old friends. There is something about my high school friends that I can't get anywhere else. You have been through so much with them and not matter how much everyone changes or doesn't you still feel super comfortable around them. We tried to watch the fireworks from Michael's house on Cresent Rd. But apparently they weren't shooting the fireworks off the building like they said they would.

I feel a lot better now that I have made some concrete decisions about next year and this internship. I'm staying for another 4 months only because that is the easiest time to leave and still be eligible for my honors degree. So look out U of A, I return in January! According to the IIP co-ordinator if I can find a supervisor, my 499 can be done over the summer which would be ideal because then I would only have fall term of the following year to finish my degree. Although I am not happy about having to stay another 4 months, I can honestly see the end now so it makes it that much more bearable. I have even decided what classes I am taking in the Winter term already, I'm just in the process of trying to get registered into two of them. It wasn't that hard to decide- without having a 499 to deal with I decided I would take 420 and only 2 other courses. That way I have tons of time to spend on it which is ideal considering it is a lot of work. I'm also trying to get back into the Genetics and Ethics courses I managed to get into before I got my internship. I decided I still want to take it... So my returning term is all genetics which is honestly my first love. Microbiology is okay... but genetics is where it is at!

I'm so excited to come back to school it isn't even funny. That's what makes me think that it was the right decision to make. I know it is the right decision. I have the warm fuzzy- I just made the best decision of my life feeling. I should go to bed though. I have to drive back to Brooks before my 12 hour shift which should be fun. I think I will start a countdown until my internship is over!

And the countdown begins: 120 days, 23 hours and 9 minutes remaining!

State: content with my decision

I haven't been updating my blog because honestly I don't think people want to read about how miserable I am. But that's the truth. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I thought I would like working in a lab and I do. But I don't like the type of lab work I am doing right now. I am pretty sure I could not work in that sort of diagnostic lab for the rest of my life. First of all, they don't want us to think so everything is automated and I honestly feel like I am getting stupider every day I work there. I mean I already forget how to do the simplest things because I am used to my stupid lab where all the thinking is done for you. I hate it... I mean the only thing I can take away from the whole experience is that I can multitask way better now than I was ever able to before. I'm agonizing over making this decision because I don't really have the money to go back to school, but that is what I would like to do. I also feel bad for leaving them without someone, especially because Wendy, the other student has already left.

I mean, I've been spending most of my pay cheque travelling back to Calgary because I am so homesick I can't stand to stay there and be by myself. I've never felt this homesick before. Not even when I moved to Edmonton and didn't know anyone. I knew eventually I'd meet people and all would be good. I don't see myself meeting anyone here. I'm thinking of taking the semester off to work anyways though and still taking the extra year to finish my degree. I would take an extra semester in January which would allow me to take all the courses that I don't have room to take.

I don't know... I will see how this all pans out. But I decided that it doesn't matter what kind of reference I would get at the end of this, not if I spend a year of my life being miserable.

Anyhow... before I spread this dark mood to everyone who reads, I will go.

State: Tired, racked with guilt about wanting to leave and wanting to leave real bad

It's hard to get back to blogging when you haven't done it in awhile. It's kind of like working out. Once you get into the habit of it, it gets easy and you want to do it all the time. It's starting again once you've stopped that is hard.

Not much has happened since I last posted. I worked 12 hours shifts for the first three weeks of august and on my one weekend off this month I drove myself up to Edmonton to visit with the folk up there. It was pretty fun, but it was tiring. Especially because it screws with my sleep schedule. I have been working 5-5 most of the month so I've had to get at 4, which also means I have to go to bed at 8 in order to get 8 hours of sleep. I feel like a kid again... mind you it is pretty easy to sleep at 8 when you've worked a 12 hour day.

I just got over being sick with something- a gastrointestinal sickness we will call it, so I was up in Calgary this weekend to check it out considering my history. They don't know what made me sick and when I say I was well enough to go to work, just not feeling tip top. I'm being tested right now and perhaps will find out what it was on either Wednesday or Thursday when I follow up with my family physician.

I'm reading a really good book right now called "The Time Traveller's Wife". Very cute- I'd highly recommend it, although it is probably geared more toward a female audience. I'm still trying to finish "A Short History of Nearly Everything" and I am stuck on the Taxonomy part. Although Bill Bryson can make almost anything sound interesting, the section on Taxomnomy has failed to capure my interest probably because I'm all taxonomied out from my first biology course on it.

Anyhow... I think I will crawl back into the hiding place that is my Trailer...

State: Alone and Isolated, a side effect of living in the middle of nowhere
Song: All the things I have done- The Killers, Behind these Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson

Wow... I overreacted just a little. But I talked it through with him, so hopefully things get better. It is hard to stay mad or upset at him because he is always so happy to hear from me on the phone. So I forget all of my worries of him not liking me any more when I talk to him on the phone. I'm coming to Calgary anyways, because I have some books to return so if anyone wants to do anything, I'm in town.

State: Much better

I never thought this long distance thing would be so hard. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. I'm starting to think that I might have to break it off if it doesn't get any better because I can't live like this. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go back to being lonely, than to be with someone and never actually be with them. Maybe the reason why this upsets me so much is because I like him so much. Sometimes I don't know why, but I guess I can't help the way I feel.

I need to tell him how I feel, because it isn't going to get any better if he doesn't know. I think it would help if I heard from him more- but honestly if he can't do that I think I'd going to have to end it. Is it wrong to want to hear from him every other day? I don't think it is because we hardly see each other as it is. Maybe he just doesn't like me as much as I like him, but if that is the case,I wouldn't want to stay with him. I've been there and done that and it never turns out nice.

Maybe I'm so sad because I feel like its over already, before I've even tried to work things out with him. As far as I know, he doesn't know there is a problem. he wouldn't, because I haven't talked to him in a week. Anyhow, I should go get ready for work. I may or may not go to Calgary this weekend. I haven't decided yet.

State: Emotional Wreck.
Song: You wouldn't like me- Tegan and Sara

I had a good weekend, but it left me thinking about some not so good things. Things that make me sad.

What would happen if one liked some one a lot, but didn't like a particular attitude that this person possessed. The attitude isn't present most of the time, but only around others that possess the same attitude.

It makes me sad, because it is something I am very against and I have never been in the position where I like someone who possesses this attitude. I thought it would be a total turn-off, but for some reason it isn't. Maybe I don't want to believe that they would think the things they think... maybe I am blinded by the fact that I like them so much.

Part of me thinks I should end it, before it gets harder to do so. Another part of me, wants to wait it out. I already feel like it would tear my heart apart if I broke up with him. But if this is a large part of who he is, I don't know if I can be with him. It is pretty much the only thing we don't have in common. Ugh... It kills me really. I don't think it is something that can be changed, although I would love to. I also don't believe in trying to change a person. If they change out of their own free will, fine... but trying to change someone- it seems wrong to me.

Anyhow... I guess I'll just have to think about this. And I think I need to tell him that it bothers me, and if that is the end, then so be it. I don't want this to be the end... but if it has to be, it will be.

State: Conflicted