Long story... will tell later

So I've moved into my place in Edmonton... it was quite an adventure actually. An adventure that will have to wait to be told.

A short teaser... a long ride in fog, the little car that could gave up and many emotional outbursts from myself and my mother.

Anyhow, I have to go eat so that I can drive down to Innisfail and then to Calgary to finish up the last of the stuff I need to do there!

Adios and Happy New Year EVERYONE!

It's begining to feel a lot like springtime...

This is what Calgary looked like this afternoon. It's Christmas, But it feels more like spring time. My mom and I went for a walk down Edmonton Trail to the Rotary Park which overlooks downtown near my mom's apartment. It was amazing...

Anyhow... that's really all that is going on with me. I got some really nice Christmas presents. My mom really liked the scarf I made her too. It took a long time but it was worth it see the smile on her face when she opened it up.

I am thinking about starting a food blog... but I'm not sure how much time I'd have to devote to it. Especially since I am going back to school... but it is something to think about.

I should go though... I hope everyone is having a good Christmas! Happy Holidays everyone!

The Last Day

So today is my last day at work... and I'm actually kind of sad. I won't miss living in Brooks or my job really, but I'm feeling sad from all the goodbyes. I'm going to miss the people. Well most of them at least. I almost cried when I opened up Vanessa's going away gift she got for me.

Anyhow... I should be happy but I'm not really. Give me a few days and I'll be okay. Sometimes moving on is hard, but it has to be done.

Merry Christmas if I don't post before then.

State: Sad
Song: Letting Go- Sozzi

Anti-social

tomorrow at 14:30 pm I commence the first of my last four shifts at the lab. Part of me is ecstatic and the other part of me is sad. I am going to miss the people I work with. That is honestly the ONLY thing I will miss.

Today, I saw Lindsay and Michael which was nice. Now instead of being pratically married, they are engaged. I'm pretty sure they won't mind me saying anything. We went shopping, and I finished up my Christmas shopping. The malls were busy, but I think I have seen worse. It all depended on where you were shopping. I got some pretty good deals today. I finished up Lindsay C.'s gift- probably the one I am most proud of. I felt like Martha Steward as I wrapped her present in two scarves I purchased from Smart Set... $8.00 flat for both and they look like they are worth about $20 each. And they suit Lindsay; I could see her wearing them.

Tonight, we took my cat in for his yearly shots. He was such a good cat. But we found out he is going to have to get some teeth pulled because they are absessed. Which sucks, but what can you do? Both I took my cat up to the vets, I did the last two weeks worth of laundry. By the time I got back from the vet, I was beat. I feel like I am jet lagged, which really isn't surprising, because with my job switching from days to night the way it does, really is tough on the body. I mean, right now I'm struggling to stay up until 11 pm, whereas at the beginning of last week I was struggling to go to bed at 8 pm. I think that is the root of my anti-social behaviour tonight... tired, with the potential of grouchy. So instead of forcing my social side out I am going to curl up with my book and go to sleep.

Why?

So I am checking my e-mail here at the Brooks library and find something unexpected. Last year at around Christmas I sent out a whole bunch of e-mails to numerous professors, the heads of labs ect. and got a few bites but not a lot and certainly no jobs. It is funny, because I haven't even applied for anything this year, nor am I planning on staying in Calgary and I get an e-mail from the Director of the Molecular Diagnostic Lab at the Alberta Children's Hospital asking me to apply to work in their lab for the summer. I vaguely recall e-mailing him last year, but I didn't receive much a of response. I'm amazed that they still have my e-mail address and e-mailed me. I think it would an awesome opportunity, but it would also mean I finish my degree a whole semester later. I mean this right up the alley of what I thought I wanted to do. It would be a chance for me to see what it would be like. I guess it couldn't hurt to apply.

Grrr... this makes my life a whole lot more difficult. I mean, I'm sick of making huge decisions. I thought I would be free of this for awhile. But I guess not.

Anyhow, I should go. I have a ton of stuff I want to get done today, for christmas you know.

Until next time...

Short

This is going to be short update because I : 1) Have to go to bed and 2) My cat wants me to go to bed.

So I have exactly 15 days 1 hour and 24 minutes left until I am done my job. And good riddance!

I found a lovely place to live with Anne and her roommates. I have a good feeling about this place...

Things are going well with my boy... ;)

I found mits on a string and I am getting them for Christmas (yes, I want and need mits on an idiot string).

I had SOOOOOO much fun last night at kareoke with my Sarahs and Ryan! It rocked and I'd love to go again sometime.

For the first time in a long time: I am happy and excited about life. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Man, does it feel good!

State: Glowing, with a pinch of dread for tomorrow
Song: Alive- Melissa O'Neil

The most thinking since...

I haven't thought this much about life and stuff in general for a long time. I'd love to expose what I have been thinking about, but some things are just too personal to share in an online journal.

I often wonder where I am headed in life... why am I here? What do I want to do with my life? Some of the answers to those questions are simple, others much more complex. I have a feeling I am going to be up late tonight thinking... and that certainly isn't a bad thing. I mean I have another day off tomorrow, so as long as I am alert enough to drive it is all good.

My mind is reeling... I simply can't write. I usually write to clear my mind... but I think I need to write to somebody in particular.

Working, Working and More Working

I've been working alot. Thankfully, I've been off since yesterday. I baked cookies today, read some book, and went to see my Dad.

Last weekend, I went to see Harry Potter with my mom in Medicine Hat. It was so cheap. I haven't paid $13.00 for two people to see a movie in a very long time. I enjoyed it, probably because I haven't read the fourth book in quite some time so I probably forget a lot.

I'm excited to go to Edmonton this weekend, although everyone is pretty busy so I'll probably be spending quite a bit of time alone. I kind of want to go shopping for new pants, but I don't really want to go without someone who knows the mall (which sounds dumb, but honestly it saves me a headache). I'll probably go anyways... or just go to southgate. My favourite store is there anyways.

I don't have much to say... I haven't been happy or sad lately. Just in this in between state. The state of the living dead. Stagnant. Never changing. Probably because that is what my job is like. And all I do is work so its no wonder. I have a feeling I'll come alive again this weekend. Just a feeling though. I'm not going to expect anything because I don't want to be let down. Taking the hair off my legs makes me feel like I am coming out of hibernation...

Maybe I am...

A Teary Tuesday

This past Tuesday brought the most tears I have cried since probably the death of my grandfather. And for no apparent reason... I woke up at 6:00 am that morning and started crying and didn't stop until about 7:00 am.

And then later, on my drive home to Brooks, I cried again for another half an hour. I started to think I was going crazy. I started to try and find reasons for my overwhelming sadness... and the conclusion I came to when I got home- it was all my blasted hormones. Sometimes I hate being a girl, with my monthly mood swings that send me into tears. It's weird how hormones can affect your mood so much. I mean I suddenly felt insecure about everything, all my thoughts were irrational and I was convinced that no one liked me. For no apparent reason.

But most of the time: I'm happy being a girl, I'm not insecure about most things, and I have mostly rational thoughts. And most of the time, I'm pretty sure all the important people in my life like me.

Anyhow... that is all for today.

Mood: Meh... have to work for the next three days
Countdown: 43 days, 10 hours and 52 minutes.

Reflecting on the Past

I was just packing what is left in my old room up today because my mom is moving and I got the urge to read my old journals. I found a letter I wrote to myself when I was 15 to be opened on my 18th birthday. I think I might share it with everyone- because even at the ripe "old" age of 22 I haven't acheived my dream. I don't know what made me think 18 would be a magic number, but it seems to be when you are younger. The comments in italics are me now, the rest I wrote when I was 15. Anyhow... without further ado...

How Life Will be When I'm 18

I have a dream and a reality image about what my life will be life when I am eighteen. I will start with my dream and end with my reality.

Dream
1) I will know what to do for the rest of my life
2) I will have a steady, without intercourse, relationship with a member of the opposite sex
3) I will be going to my dream school- an American Ivy league one- on full scholarship
4) I will be less screwed up than I was when I wrote this
5) I will have starred in at least one school play
6) I will have a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment
7) I will be happy with myself for who I am

Reality
1) I probably will still have no idea of what going to do with my life (still true to this day)
2) I don't really want a boyfriend, they tie you down (okay- being tied down isn't so bad)
3) I probably won't have taken the SAT's which are necessary for American schools and will not have enough money or scholarship money to go (nor do I want to go anymore)
4) I'll probably be just as screwed up as I am now (I think I have managed to become less screwed up thank goodness)
5) I don't think I will ever have a lead role because I prefer playing second string (that and I don't want to act anymore AT ALL!)
6) I can still hope for a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment (this I can say is coming)
7) I will hope to God that after changing schools to get away from those who bring me down, I will be happy with myself for who I am. (Changing schools didn't do this for me, I had to change my attitude and develop better self-esteem. I learned you can't run away from your problems- they have a tendency to follow you)

I don't think being eightteen will change much, except for the fact that I will now be allowed to legally drink alcohol (and vote and buy cigarettes) and that I will have finished my quest through public education.

The Dream is my eternal optimism coming through, and the reality is what I have observed from the world around me... so that is my view on how life will be three year from now.

Anyhow... I have to go, I just thought it was kind of interesting.

All good things must come to an end

It was fun while it lasted, but I'm heading home today to Brooks. The strike continues (although someone yesterday trying to tell me they had gone back to work), and the lastest news is the CFIA - the Canadian Food Inspection Agency is not crossing the picket line until they deem it safe to do so. (see news article here) Honestly, I don't blame them. The few times I crossed the picketline- not in the protection of the large van they brought us in last time- I was scared for my safety too. So we probably won't get any samples until they start working which means our 12 hour shift are going to go by really slow. Got to love essential services. The same thing would happen if we didn't cross the picket line. They could slaughter, but without our results from the slaughter samples, they can't process the meat and thus production would come to a halt. But the last time I went to work, there wasn't much of a picket line on our side which makes more sense.

I'm putting off driving home. I don't want to go. But I know I don't have that much longer so it isn't nearly as bad as it was before. Anyhow... life calls or at least life's little errands call. So until next time- Happy Trails!

State: Meh...

Good Things

For all the bad that has happened to me in the past little while, some good was eventually going to have to come. The good thing that has come from this strike is that I get a little holiday. YAY! Instead of only being off for the weekend, I'm off until Wednesday. I'm thrilled really. I was planning on going up to Edmonton anyways, but this means that I can stay longer than I might have before! And when I get back- I work two days and I have another weekend off. Honestly, I couldn't be luckier!!!

I think is over for the people that are striking. I mean the plant is running now, probably doing about half as much work as they did before the strike (one shift) and they are no longer bringing the scabs into our parking lot. They aren't even busing the workers over anymore. They are letting them drive right into the plant. This makes sense in a lot of ways. It means that instead of having to cross the picket line 3 times to get workers in, they only have to cross once to get in and once to get out. The buses where to protect the workers, but when you have to cross a picket line to get to the proctection of a bus it really defeats the purpose of a bus. The only problem with this is that it kind of slows traffic on the Trans-Canada highway. But I don't care about that really- there is a lane for the people who aren't going to Lakeside and one going to the plant. I feel a lot safer going to work. While they still stop us for 5 minutes going in and out, there are no taunt, name calling or intimidation because they know that we aren't part of the union and so cannot strike. It is much, much nicer. I think that we still get stopped because we are essential to the running of the plant so slowing us down, slows the plant down.

Anyhow... that's all I really have to say right now. I think I will go write me some e-mails telling people I'm invading Edmonton!

State: happy as a lark

The Strike

So maybe this is hitting fairly low on the news radar elsewhere, but here is it pretty big and serious. I just have a few opinions on the matter seeing as I am fairly directly involved even though I am not part of the union. They brought our people into it when they decided to put all the people wanting the cross the picket line on the property where the lab resides.

Because we are not union members we are required to go to work despite having no work to do. That will probably change soon as they have been able to get some people across the picket line into work on Tuesday and thus we will be returning to work tomorrow. What sucks is we have to cross the picket line too and suffer through all the name calling and abuse to go to work. I can tell that has not been fun at all. And honestly I don't think I should have to go through that to go to work. Tomorrow should be better because we are going in a van where they won't be able to see us. And when you get them to understand that you don't work for the packing plant, they seem to settle down; sometimes, it is hard to make them understand though.

I don't know why the union decided to strike without having a greater majority of people behind them. It almost defeats the purpose of a union. I mean a union is there to protect the workers against the company, but the only way they can do that is to provide a united front.

Anyhow... maybe I'll rant more later from the comfort of somewhere that is not Brooks. Until next time...

State: Opinionated

Why?

Why am I still so scared to open up to people, especially people I care about? I'm afraid of getting hurt and I guess not making yourself vulnerable, not sharing what you are feeling because you are scared about how someone will react saves you from getting hurt. It also saves you from having any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone. I know all this and yet I continue to keep things from the people I care about. I'm living a lie and I know it. This makes me sick inside. I want to change but I am scared. But what is worse- being honest and getting hurt or living a lie? I think I am going to have to choose honesty in the end.

Christmas and Other Travesties of Nature

Ever since I moved out of the trailer park, I have been looking to increase the amount of kitchen stuff I have. It sucks trying to cook in a poorly equipped kitchen, especially when one is used to having pretty much everything you need to make something. I'm almost there- right now I am missing big bowls but this is only because I am picky and want a certain type.

So, this weekend my mom and I decided to scope out the shops to see what deals we could find. I bought an awesome salad spinner (yes, I actually use a salad spinner- wet lettuce is a pet-peeve of mine), got a good deal on a toaster oven (which are much more practical than a simple toaster because you can do so much with them) and even bought some cookie sheets. All and all- a good lot of purchases. What sickened me more than anything while shopping for these items is that I felt like it was two months later than it actually is because most of the stores have their CHRISTMAS STUFF OUT!!! Is it just me or are the stores trying to shove Christmas down our throats earlier and earlier? I have nothing against doing Christmas shopping early- but can you hold off on putting of your christmas displays until Halloween is over? There isn't even snow on the ground yet. I know why they probably do it. It is a psychological thing. If people see Christmas stuff, they will think about Christmas and start thinking- "Oh I should start my shopping." And thus might start shopping sooner for gifts and might therefore might spend more money(the stores are hoping).

My mom and I had a good thankgiving. I made my first totally from scratch pie and it turned out really good. Pie turns out to be not so bad to make. I watched Hockey Night in Canada tonight. It was nice to see Hockey back on TV again. It was weird before to see movie night in Canada.

I wish I had someone to talk to tonight. It's kind of late to be phoning anyone, I would if I knew I wouldn't be waking anyone up. I get I'm just having one of those nights where it would be nice to hear someone's voice.

Ryan and I have been "together" for 6 months as of today. I think that would mean more to me if I had actually spent a lot of those 6 months with him. But as it is with long distance relationships, I haven't. It's hard, especially when I visit and I really don't want to leave.

Working at a job you know wouldn't make you happy for the rest of your life gives you lots of time to think about what you might like to do. I'm really not sure, but I have been thinking of maybe becoming a teacher of some sort either at the High School or College or even maybe the University level. I really don't know what kind of job I would be happy doing- but I am starting to consider those as an option because I love it when my friends come to me and ask me to explain stuff to them and I love the challenge of trying to get them to understand.

Anyhow... I thought I had something deep and meaningful to say this time, but I don't. I guess it's not meant to come out tonight. Hope everyone else has a most Happy Thanksgiving!

State: Lonely (a common state as of late)
Countdown: 84 days, 0 hours and 12 minutes remaining

No more guilt

I don't feel guilty anymore for leaving early. I was for awhile, even though I knew I shouldn't. Some people I will leave unnamed at work even tried to convince me to stay by guilting me with, " We spent all this money to train you, and you leave us so soon..." What I don't think they realize is I've invested a lot too. More than most people would for a job. I've risked and continue to risk my health. This is foremost in my mind right now after visiting my kidney doctor. My kidney's aren't working any better than they were three months ago. Not that I expected they would. I mean the doctors did told they were permanently damaged, but I guess in the back of my mind, I always hoped for some small miracle and that my kidneys would return to normal. But they haven't and I am seriously considering my doctor's recommendation of going on blood pressure medication. In fact, I am trying it for a week to see how my body reacts to it. Honestly, it scares me that to save my kidneys from dying young (and thus saying me from dying young) I might have to be on medication for the rest of my life.

All that said, how can I feel guilty for leaving a job that made me so sick in first place? I don't think I can. I think it was a really stupid decision, on my part, to go back in the first place, but I didn't think of it that way at the time. I guess what I've realized in the past little while is how short life is and how quickly it can be taken away from you. I think that is what kills me the most about being down in Brooks right now. I'm doing a job that requires very little thinking and other than the multitasking (which I am getting better at) offers me almost no mental challenge. It is sucking the life out of me. I don't feel like I am living right now, at least not when I am down there. What a difference I feel when I leave there even just to come spend time with my mom in Calgary. But leaving to come visit people in Calgary or Edmonton is bitter sweet because I know in a few short days I'll have to return to a place that makes me feel like I am dying inside. I've tried to make friends with at least my co-workers and they say they'll invite me to do stuff with them, but they never do. I feel like I am wasting part of my life, that all the time I am spending down there not living could be spent elsewhere- living.

I might sound melodramatic to some right now and I know some people will tell me, "Chin up, it will get better." Well, I will keep my chin up, but I doubt it will get better. I want to keep a positive attitude (or at least try to) so that time doesn't seem as wasted. I'll spend time on my hobbies, and hopefully that will make my days off pass more quickly. I'll try to keep my mind off the dead feeling I have inside and on to the good things in my life. Because time passes much more quickly when you don't wallow in your misery. I've spent too much time in my life doing that, so I'll just use my blog as a channel or vessel for my sadness and hope that perhaps I can carry on with just a glimmer of happiness.

State: Pensive

Nothing Heals Me Like You Do

I decided that my posts needed titles... mostly because I wanted to put a title on today.

Sigh... I don't want to go back. This weekend was just too good. When I pulled into Edmonton on Friday, I was instantly sad. Mostly because I knew I was going to have to leave in just a short few days. I wandered around the university- but this too just saddened me. I want to be back soooo bad. But things looked up from then on, although I didn't get to see everyone I wanted because people were busy with school stuff which is completely understandable.(Sorry I didn't call Jeanine- I really wanted to but kept leaving your number at home- I promise I'll call the next time I'm up and we'll do something- okay?)

I had some good talks with Ryan we spent some quality time together. It was really nice. It was one of those ordinary weekends, that are somehow so comforting. I don't know... I really don't have much to say about this weekend, other than it was great and I am sad that I am heading back to Brooks.

Anyhow... I think I might go shower and get ready so until next time- so long!

State: Sad to be going back
Song: London Rain- Heather Nova
Countdown: 97 days 12 hours and 57 minutes remaining

I haven't posted for awhile because my ex-roommate took off with the internet. I'm actually really jealous of her. I have to live with her fat, lazy boyfriend and she gets to be back at school and will see Ryan more than I will in the next three and half months. That's only because she is in his lab but still. I can't help but feel slightly bitter that she can pick up and leave, no notice, guilt free; while I slave away at work and carry some guilt about giving four months notice on leaving my internship.

Why do I do this to myself? Honestly, I haven't done anything wrong by wanting to leave early. I admit, 16 months experience would look better than 8, but honestly there is more to life than trying to get a good job. I don't feel like I am giving up a wonderful opportunity because I think I have already had one. People at work are trying to convince me to stay, but I don't think they understand why I am leaving. They try to convince me, if I try I will meet people and come to like it here. I don't doubt that they are right. I think I could meet people down here, and possibly even find it bearable. The thing is, nothing can replace the people I have met in Edmonton. Right now, I don't think this is the place for me to be.

I'm not even sure I should have taken the internship to begin with. I mean there were all sorts of signs to me that I shouldn't do it. My Uncle and step brother told me Brooks was a horrible place to live. And I got this funny feeling, that I shouldn't go right before I accepted the job. Something in my heart was telling me not to go. But my head told me I'd be silly to give up an opportunity like this, and so I took the job. Turns out I probably should have listened to my heart all along.

In other news, I found a new place to live. It is a Bachelor suite which means I will be living ALL BY MYSELF! Nothing could make me happier except maybe if it were January already and I was moving into a new place in Edmonton.

Also, I'll probably be in Edmonton on the 24, 25 and 26 of September. I can't wait!!

Anyhow... you probably won't hear from me for awhile again because of the lack of internet so, goodbye for now and hopefully I get around to posting sooner or later!

State: Lonely

Okay... so this will be a little bit of a rant. One petpeeve of mine is people who don't cash cheques right away. I wrote the 1st on the cheque so that I could see the money leave my account shortly thereafter. Not weeks later.

Not having internet again sucks. Especially because it isn't like my rent went down after internet service was discontinued... not that internet costed that much divided by three...

I'm looking for a place to live in for the next four months. I mean I want to be on my own, I'm sick of having roommmates. But I'm not sure I can afford it... especially in Brooks where everything is so expensive.

Ugh... I don't want to go back but I should at least shower and do something. That's how I can tell I hate this place so much. At least I'll be working, that makes time go faster.

Countdown:116 days, 11 hours and 28 minutes remaining
State: blah, sad to be going back

So I told my boss about leaving early (at the end of December) and she was fine with it. In fact she was more than fine with it, she understood completely and was happy I told her now. Now she has plenty of time to find a replacement and I get to leave guilty-free sans screwing anyone over. The plus side to that is that my supervisor is likely to give me a great reference which is what I need. Apparently, I had a wicked performance review. And I think I'll still be able to do Biology 400 which would get "Internship program" written on my diploma. I don't care so much about that one... in fact I wouldn't even care if I couldn't get that anymore.

Anyhow... the fact that I am leaving in 4 months makes work that much more bearable. I should go to bed though I have to get up somewhat early considering the time it is now.

State: Content