I haven't been updating my blog because honestly I don't think people want to read about how miserable I am. But that's the truth. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I thought I would like working in a lab and I do. But I don't like the type of lab work I am doing right now. I am pretty sure I could not work in that sort of diagnostic lab for the rest of my life. First of all, they don't want us to think so everything is automated and I honestly feel like I am getting stupider every day I work there. I mean I already forget how to do the simplest things because I am used to my stupid lab where all the thinking is done for you. I hate it... I mean the only thing I can take away from the whole experience is that I can multitask way better now than I was ever able to before. I'm agonizing over making this decision because I don't really have the money to go back to school, but that is what I would like to do. I also feel bad for leaving them without someone, especially because Wendy, the other student has already left.

I mean, I've been spending most of my pay cheque travelling back to Calgary because I am so homesick I can't stand to stay there and be by myself. I've never felt this homesick before. Not even when I moved to Edmonton and didn't know anyone. I knew eventually I'd meet people and all would be good. I don't see myself meeting anyone here. I'm thinking of taking the semester off to work anyways though and still taking the extra year to finish my degree. I would take an extra semester in January which would allow me to take all the courses that I don't have room to take.

I don't know... I will see how this all pans out. But I decided that it doesn't matter what kind of reference I would get at the end of this, not if I spend a year of my life being miserable.

Anyhow... before I spread this dark mood to everyone who reads, I will go.

State: Tired, racked with guilt about wanting to leave and wanting to leave real bad