A little update for everyone... I had an awesome time last night. I thought I was going to have another boring night of either sitting in front of the computer or the TV wishing I was out somewhere when I get a phone call from Jane at 9:30 asking me if I either wanting to go Kareoke or to eigties metal with Micki and her friend Melissa. Couldn't find a good kareoke place so we went to meet micki and her friend at Morgan's on 17th for eighties metal. The bouncers were mean and wouldn't let us in, so we talked to micki and she said she would meet us up later and off to the Ship and Anchor Jane and I did go.

The Ship had a line, but it moved quickly and soon we were in the warm and smokiness of the bar. Got our drinks- a free pepsi for me as I was driving and a Keith's for Jane. Shortly after that we found a table and laughed at the wonderfully hokey music they were playing- as a pub should.

Micki and her friend joined us after about a half hour which was nice. She almost didn't come, but Jane smooth talked her into it- not that that was very hard. So we spent the next three hours catching up on old times and laughing at me being hyper. Apparently I don't need alcohol to act stupid around my friends.

Brought Jane and Micki home, which was also an adventure. They kept trying to give me directions, but um I'm not sure they were really in any state to give me such directions so I just blocked them out and went my own way and that worked out fine.

Got home at the wonderful hour of 3:15 am. I couldn't sleep... I've discovered this not sleeping to now not be an effect of alcohol so much (I always thought it was) but more the effect of staying up far to late past my sleepiness time. It's okay, I'll sacrifice sleep for my friends. I have pictures of this night- but they are far to embarassing to post so I won't... well not without permission and I don't think I'll et that.

We are going shopping today which should be fun. Anyhow... I should go shower because I am meeting them at 1:00 pm. Bye for now and Happy New Years Everyone!

State: Very Tired
Song: none... too tired to think of song

Man, this week has been a real rollercoster ride. One minute I'm happy and the other I'm in tears. I had a wonderful afternoon with my father. We went out for lunch and saw the Last Samurai. It was a much better movie than I expected. Of course a warning- if you are emotional like me you might spend the last hour crying.

Despite the sad movie I was happy when I got home. Jane had called when I got home. I called her back. It was nice to talk to her. I guess I'm more angry, no not angry, hurt upset by the past couple days than I thought. I just , I don't know what I was thinking but for some reason I feel horrible. I don't know what to do. I know what I don't want to do, but I know I'll end up doing it anyhow so it doesn't matter.

Why am I unable to tell them how I feel? I think I'm mostly afraid of being blamed for whatever even when I will know that it isn't my fault. So I guess that's why I feel it best not to say anything at all. Why do I keep my emotions so bottled up? It isn't healthy. Sometimes I keep my emotions so tightly under wraps that I don't even know myself what I am feeling.

I think I am going to go rent myself a funny movie to cheer myself up. Maybe it will keep me from crying for a couple of hours. I hope I don't regret posting this later. Oh who gives a fuck anymore?/

State: Upset and Distraught
Song: Divided- Tegan and Sara

Today was a good day. I'm feeling better about life in general today. I decided when I was going back to Edmonton too. I decided that Friday is the day. So if my friends can't see me before then, then I guess they won't be seeing me. There isn't much else I can do. Besides, I turned the heat down in my house and I have to get up there before it hits minus 29.

I don't know what I will do for New Years, but I'm hoping I'll do something good. Last New year's was pretty great, but I have a feeling this year's won't be like that. Just a feeling. It's pretty hard to have New Years we people that you can't get a hold of. I just don't want to get my hopes up so that they don't get crushed. I have a tendency of doing that.

Sigh... so yeah. I'm kind of excited to go back to Edmonton. This holiday was good, it made me realize what I like about Edmonton. Not to mention what I don't like...

I've also decided I want to take a wine tasting course. Who knows when that is going to happen though. I don't know why I have the desire to take a wine tasting course but I do. Maybe because I'd like to know a bit more than I do now. Right now I pick wine out based on the attractiveness of the label. I want that to change.

Anyhow, I think I'll go read my book. I'm reading Crossroads of Twilight By Robert Jordan. I'm feeding my silly addiction to the Wheel of Time that I started unknowingly in grade seven. Hmmm I'm really enjoying this digital camera. How fun.

State: Better than yesterday
Song: Nothing in particular- I like One Thing - Finger Eleven and Just Me- Tegan and Sarah

Okay- I was talking to Roy online and he said the following that made me laugh and cheered me up: "I love people, just not most of them." Sigh, I can always count on him to cheer me up.

Right now I am planning what courses I will take in years 3 and 4 of my degree. That's right aka- Lisa is a big geek. I'm not even sure I want to continue with this degree.

State: I think I'll go sit at Table 9- with the rest of the freaks...
Song: Wishing you were somehow here again- The Phantom of the Opera

I can't post what I want to post. I just can't bring myself to do it.

State: puzzled and upset with myself
Song: Fallen- Sarah McLaughlan

Hmmm... An interesting thought just occured to me. I'm wondering if all of my indecision on whether I still wanted to pursue genetics was mostly due to other people questioning my degree path?

I don't know why I like it- but I do. There are parts that I don't like... like bacterial genetics doesn't really excite me that much... but I am really looking forward to taking GENET 275- genetics of higher organisms. It is all the stuff I loved about my last genetics course and it sounds like fun.

I also think I am nuts to be thinking about school right now. I guess it just popped into my head. Okay, back to being on holidays and not thinking about school related stuff.

State: Pensive

I think I might be having too much fun with this new digital camera I got for christmas. What I really should be doing right now is sleeping and not playing with posting pictures on the web. Oh well, I don't have much else to do. I've been having fun fiddling with html and making tables to put my pictures in. I haven't figured out how to put the picture title below the picture instead of above. I think it kinda looks sill the way I have it but I haven't figured out how to tell the computer to do that so guess I'll have to live with it. I think spent I little too much time working on something as simple as what I have been doing. But I guess that is all part of the learning process.

It took me long enough to get the picture to show up where I wanted them in the entry let alone get the text to wrap around the picture. I think I am getting the hang of it. I'll post the other pictures that I was working with just for fun. I'm still having a bit of trouble, and I'm really just typing all of this so that I can take up space. I'm sure I have something meaningful talk about- actually I'm sure I do, but I don't feel like it right now. Or maybe I do and I am do playing a game? I guess we'll never know because I am just rambling about nothing right now.

Time for another picture. This was my just playing around with the camera and I kinda liked the effect. I wasn't posing or anything. I guess I wasn't really aware that I was taking a picture of myself however that works and that is what came out. Oh boy, after this entry people are really going to think I am nuts. That's what happens when you isolate me in my home for awhile. The isolation is my own fault. I don't call anyone so how can I expect to do anything with anyone? I can't. It doesn't work that way and I know it. So tomorrow I am going to call some people and do something with myself. Not that I didn't do anything today. I went shopping and bought some cool clothes with my christmas money. I just want to see people before I go back to Edmonton and I am running out of time.

hmmm I'm just thinking: I need to get out more. Before I drive myself nuts. I watched Freaky Friday tonight with my mom. I actually enjoyed it in a weird reliving my youth kinda way. Man, I sound so old. I really need to get out more.

State: Feeling Old
Song: My Number- Tegan and Sarah

To start off: Merry Christmas Everyone!

sigh... unfourtunately I had to get sick right before christmas. I'm not really sick, but just sick enough for it to be annoying.

Only mark I don't have is psych- which I'm not too worried about. Genetics came in at a relatively unsurprising A- so I'm happy that I didn't stress myself over studying for that one.

So far this year I'm doing better than last year. I've probably said that before... I'm kinda hazy right now due to my cold.

I feel like I am running out of time to do everything I want to do. I never seem to get anything I want to get done... well done.

Anyhow I should end this so I can get some stuff done. Going to a movie later today with my mom. That should be fun.

State: So much to do, so little time

Yay! I got my biochem mark back and ended up with a B. This is good. So far my average is a steady 3.3 which is where I'd like it to be. I hope it either gets higher with my genetics mark and my psych mark or stays the same. That would rock.

Had an awesome time with Rachel and Jane today. It was great... we hung out and OD'ed on sugar and chocolate. Finally decided to go for a walk which is one of my favorite activities and then proceeded home to make dinner. Had a hot tub while we waited for our guests to arrive... and then we ate our wonderful feast.

Rachel had to go home so after she left we played cards with Jane's cousins. It was good fun. Introduced young Nat to the game of president and also played a very rowdy game of spoons. I love that game... highly addictive. So is president, but Jane and I were summoned to clean up our kitchen mess before we could really get hooked in.

Then she drove me and now I am here. I think now I should go to bed after my endlessly fun day.

State: Enjoying the holidays :)
Song: Possesion- Sarah McLaughlan

I am now two thirds of the way through watching the 2nd season of sex and the city and I understand a lot more about the current season now that I've seen the background.

I got the sweetest jacket at value village today. It comes to about my knees and it is green with toggles. I love it... my dream jacket you might say. And all for the low Value Village Price of 20$. It looks like it costs about 120$ at least and it looks like it has bearly been used.

The holidays are going by fast... and I've hardly done anything.

Going to see Jane and Rachel tomorrow. That should be fun. I guess I don't have much to talk about.

I had a great dream last night. Great and yet I awoke feeling so alone. Most of the dream was spent cuddling in the arms of this really handsome guy. Nothing kinky... just cuddling. It was so nice. I didn't want it to end. But alas all good things must come to an end.

I could go on and on and complain more and more about my loneliness- but that really isn't going to do anything about it. So I won't.

I think I'll go to bed instead. Goodnight...

State: Same old
Song: Fear- Sarah McLaughlan

phew... I hurt. Today I used muscles I forgot existed. Went up to Kicking Horse with Jane and Caimin for Calgary Day which meant lift tickets were only 10$. I had never been up to Kicking Horse and for the most part I really enjoyed it. One thing they don't have there is good signage... I never really knew what runs I was on or what difficulty they were. It was funny because usually I warm myself up on the first run and do something easy so I can remember and the important stuff, like how to turn and such. But the lift at Kicking Horse takes you right up to the summit. hehehe so my first run was a black with lots of bumps and some powder that I did a face plant into.

My first run was probably the longest run I've ever done in my whole life and it was great. I even went into the trees a bit- my own choice and that was fun.

After lunch, I had another great but short run. Short because I couldn't figure out what run I wanted to take and ended up taking the stupid traverse the whole way down. But that's okay because my next run made up for it. That run I found some great bumps that were nice and soft. Because of the funny signage I though I was going on blues but then I would be on them and I'd be like this feels a lot more like a black- blues are usually groomed and such and don't have huge bumps and stuff. But then I was like- meh whatever I'm enjoying it so who really cares what they are. I kinda got stranded on the one side from this awesome run I had found and had to jump over this creek thing to get back to where I could get the gondola. hehehe that was amusing. But no one was around to laugh at me so I guess I was just laughing at myself.

So that was my wonderful day and skiing. Jane and I talked about going out dancing tonight but as you can see I think we both came to our senses and decided to not push our bodies much farther tonight.

I think I will have sweet snowriding dreams tonight...

State: Very sore, but blissful
Song: Summertime- Sublime

Ahhh... much better mood tonight. I love the bus service now. Got myself to Jane's house in just under a half hour and had to wander around Kensington so that I would be sure not to get to her house too early. She had already been woken up at nine with a phone call from Halifax though, so really I could have gone in.

We went to the Kilnary and I made presents for my step mom and my dad. I really hope they turn out.

Finally watched Finding Nemo... sigh. I love that movie. It is so great.

Must sleep... awakening in 5 hours and 45 minutes to go skiing... or snowblading whatever I might choose.

State: So normal= so great
Song: Beyond the Sea

And now for something a little more serious.... I think.

I guess I have been thinking too much tonight. About what you might ask? Or not. I'm not sure I even care to answer that question. Or that anyone really cares to know the answer.

Most of the time I feel like I'm an open book, and for the most part I am. I hide very little of what I am feeling from people. Or at least this is what I'd like to believe. It's the lie I tell myself. The feelings I hide from others are the same feelings I hide from myself otherwise I wouldn't be able to hide them. That's the way I work. Even I don't want someone to know how I am feeling, if I am aware of the way I feeling, it is very hard to hide the truth. I don't even know where I am going with this entry.

So maybe I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling right now. What good is a university English class if I can't even articulate how I feel? Not that I learned anything in that course. Maybe how to B.S. my way through English essays while remaining concise. I've strayed off topic...

What I have been thinking about tonight really hasn't changed much from any other night or day lately. Where am I going in life? What I am I going to do? And more importantly: Why I am doing what I am doing right now? I enjoy the classes or at least I have myself convinced I do. What I am not happy with is the amount of time I seem to have devoted to school. All I do is eat sleep and study and this has made me a dull person. It's all I talk about, because it is all I do. I've submersed myself in school and lost myself along the way. Maybe I'm not lost. But I certainly feel mechnised or something or that sort. Sometimes school, let alone living in Edmonton, doesn't feel real. It feels like I've been transported to some sort of alternate universe. Maybe that's why I could never settle in Edmonton. Although the city exists, it doesn't feel real to me. I don't feel alive there. As much as I'd like to stay there to keep my place and not have to move all my stuff back to Calgary and try to find a job here, I'm not sure I'd be able to stay there for the summer.

A month ago yesterday I wrote an entry (november 17) about my confusion about what I want to do with my life. I still don't really know. But I think through the course of studying for my psych exam I decided I don't really want a degree in that. I still might want to do some sort of counselling type thing, but I'm not sure I could concentrate all of my energy to that cause. I think I honestly do like the courses I just finished (minus biochem). It's hard to really like something when you have to constantly defend why you like it. Or maybe I don't really like it and I'm just trying to defend my choices to myself. That statement seems like an outright lie to me though.

I just wish I'd stop feeling so empty inside. I wish I was less confused. I wish I could stop thinking for a moment so I can enjoy my holidays. I guess I go to bed as there is no one online to talk to and I probably have to get up at a half decently early hour so I can make it to Jane's by 10.

Goodnight.

State: Confused, empty and alone...
Songs: Deliver me - Moist and The Scientist- Coldplay

Another mark has come in and the verdict is good :) A- in microbiology, the course I thought might kill me. Or was biochem the course I thought might kill me? hmm it still might.

I'm very happy, so far so good as far as my marks are concerned.

Got out of the house today which is always nice. I think I remember chinooks being warmer than this, but any chinook is better than no chinook at all.

Going to see Jane tomorrow at 10. That should be fun...

It's too cold to be sitting in my basement. So I'm going to go.

State: Enjoying the holidays

So I'm home now. And boy does it feel good. I don't think Edmonton will ever be more to me than the place I go to school. I don't know it like I know Calgary. And as corny as this will sound Edmonton hasn't ingrained itself into my soul. I think I will always be Calgarian at heart. There are even other places in Canada that feel more like home to me than Edmonton. For example- Montreal. I love that city and I feel very at ease there- almost like I have a connection with the city. And I don't feel that as much with Edmonton. hmmm Maybe I'm not compatible.

I did another silly quiz. No surprises here.

The Moon: The moon signifies the subconscious, the
dream world, imagination, fluctuation,
intuition, occult power, hallucination, hidden
forces, deception, and creativity. It denotes
the subconscious, dreams, illusion, mystery,
storms weathered, uncertainty, deception, a
loved one's misfortune, or an emotional crisis.


Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Anyhow, I think that now that I have checked my mail and my grades for the day (of which there was nothing new) I think I'll end this.

State: Pretty Happy
Song: California- Phantom Planet

So I started off this evening by watching Episodes 4, 5, 6 of season one of Sex and the City and that made me happy because it's about four single women and they are often just as alone as I am (just as often not- but that's beside the point). I really liked the last episode I watched on secret relationships. It was intruiging. I don't know- there is something very real about that show. Maybe not so much the story lines, but the feelings and ideas in the show are very real. It always manages to make me laugh and make me feel good about being single.

I just finished watching the lastest episode of the O.C.. I'm really not sure why I am addicted to a stupid teen soap, but I am. It always somehow makes me feel crappy though about being alone. I mean- you would think that because I can watch Sex and the City and their countless sexual escapades that I'd be able to watch people on the O.C. kiss. I'm able to watch, but no fail it makes me feel so lonely. There is entirely too much kissing on that show. Wow, I sound bitter. Well maybe I am. You might be too if you have gone as long as I have without kissing anyone.

I think I'm going to go watch episode 7 of Sex and the City to make myself feel better.

State: Bitter
Song: One- Aimee Mann

YAY! I'm done. The exam wasn't so bad and I must have done okay on my anthro final because I ended up with a B+. Considering the effort I didn't put into that course I'm happy. I like options that don't require a lot of work and give me decent marks!

too excited to type anything!

State: Huge weight lifted off my shoulders
Song:All or Nothing - Athena Cage

I don't know why I feel the need to post again. Maybe because I have no one here to freak out to. Instead of studying I spent an hour and half talking on the phone with Rachel. We had a nice conversation but then I decided I should go.

I feel like I haven't studied enough and that I am not ready. This isn't really what concerns me. What concerns me is that I am not concerned about this. I'm no freaking out like I did before biochem. Maybe I do know the stuff. I have no idea. That's what scares me. Oh well not much I can do about that. Perhaps I'll go to bed and sleep so I don't make stupid mistakes. That sounds good. Now the question is whether or not I'll do it. hmmm

State: Falsely confident.
Song: Where is the Love? - The Black Eyed Peas

Okay... I've been getting more done. Not much more. But more. I'm going to keep doing problems... but I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I might read over my notes on this last stuff one more time so I know what is going on with the DNA fingerprinting and such.

Bedtime soon... yay! Then I can stop studying :)

State: All studied out
Song: Where is the Love?- The Black Eyed Peas (I've had it on repeat for I don't know a few hours now...)

Ahh... new strong bad e-mail.

I wish I had some caffeine.

hehehe

Strong Sad + caffeine = SCIENCE

Click Here to see new strong bad e-mail!

Today I have to get stuff done. That's all there is to it. I'm just going to have to pretend I'm motivated and get some studying done. And I say pretend because I will be pretending.

It's still too quiet in my house.

I had funky weird dreams last night. It was weird- it all took place at the unversity- but a messed up version of the U of A campus. And everyone in band from high school was taking the same classes as me. And I was going to be late for my microbiology lab and it was in some weird underground place. So I asked someone how to get there. And they told me. But then Caitlin wanted me to go look at something before we went, even though I was already running pretty late having to walk from the other side of campus. Before she could show me what she was going to show me, Daley walks up to us of and announces that he's bought us each a pack of gum. Yes that's right-gum. I got spearmint, caitlin got Eucalyptus and Daley bought himself pepper mint. Then I said that we'd better hurry or we won't get any chocolate. Caitlin told me not to worry and we didn't go in for a few minutes longer. Finally I decided to go it... and they followed me and there were no seats left. I sat beside people I went to elementary school and junior high with. And the worst part of the dream: I didn't get any chocolate. And the it kinda switched and I was watching this show about U.F.O.'s and how they have video's and stuff to support their existance and the U.F.O.'s was searching around with this circular beam thing and then suddenly it disappeared. And then I woke up.

Okay, off to be productive.

State: Motivationless
Song: One- Aimee Mann

Didn't get nearly as much done today as I would have liked. I think I was too lonely. The silence of the house was really distracting me. I tried putting some music on, but that didn't help much.

So I walked to Safeway and bought myself half a litre of Haagen Daaz Vanilla Caramel Brownie and some candy canes. The candy canes are for studying tomorrow. The Haagen Daaz was for tonight. I left half for tomorrow- I case I don't learn enough genetics to feel good about the exam. I didn't feel like doing anything so I decided to do genetics problems while watching Amelie. I ended up doing one problem and the rest of the time was spent eating ice cream and just watching. I love that movie... I really relate to Amelie. I'm her before she gets the guy. Hopefully one day my story will have a happy ending.

*light bulb flashes above Lisa's head* It's just dawned on me why I feel this shitty. The fact that I am all alone in my house and have no one to talk to right now doesn't help but the real reason is PMS. Stupid hormones. Bad timing grrrr... I have a lot a power over how I feel most of the time. This is one of those time I have none. Unless I can start controling my estrogen and progesterone levels. hmmm what a novel idea.

State: Lonely, Frustrated, Annoyed, and disappointed
Song: Lonely Day- Phantom Planet

sigh... I wish I was done exams. I've had enough of this studying business. Studying is going okay. I just hope I don't walk into the exam and everything there be ten times harder than anything I've ever seen before. Mind you, I'd still probably find answers are such... hmmm.

I'm working on epistasis right now. Not that any of you know or care what that is. Well lets just say it complicates the mendelian inheritance thing. I thought it would be much harder than it is. Although some of the questions do make you want to say, "WTF?"

Granted, I still haven't practiced drawing out my inversion loops. I'm not going to explain what those are. I don't want to and you really wouldn't want to know.

I'm liking this not have to memorize a whole lot of crap thing though. I'm sick of memorizing stuff. Happy to have a nice straightforward (hopefully) problem solving exam.

I guess my genetics text book is getting lonely now that I've left him by himself for a little while... I should get back.

State: Studying against my will...
Song: Sick Cycle Carousel- Lifehouse

I'm wondering right now why I am up at 10 to 6 in the morning. Perhaps because I couldn't sleep. Yes, I think that's it. sigh... and it's not like I'm not tired. I'm really tired. I just can't seem to sleep.

I had really weird dreams last night (in the 6 hours I slept that is). The only part of my dreams that I can remember is that I drank two bottles of wine by myself over the course of the dream sequence. Two bottles of red wine no less- both different kinds of red wine. It started with going to brunch at some restaurant and for some reason I wanted wine and thus ordered it. It was really good wine... complemeted the breakfast quite well. Maybe that's something that should be invented- breakfast wine. Anyhow, I digress. A bunch of stuff happened in between I can't quite remember- and then I stopped for supper at Earls with Lindsay and we ordered a bottle of wine and I ended up drinking most of it. You'd think I'd be hammered by now, but in the dream I was not. I then preceded to go to the airport and at security they had somehow found out about the bottle of wine I drank at breakfast and were all like, "So what did you eat this morning?" and I said, "Breakfast." and they were like, "Anything to drink?" and I said, " I think I may have had a bottle of wine." And then they wouldn't let me past security and I woke up.

So I'm an alcoholic in my dreams, an insomniac in real life and I'm starting to wonder if this is my brain's way of telling me to stop studying. hmmm - Well if it is- sorry brain- looks like you are going to have to work a little bit longer. Oh my, I'm really losing it. Talking to my brain and such. I think I'll go now before people think I'm completely loony. hehehe Not like they don't already.

State: Lacking sleep
Song: No Sleep- The Cardigans

Well psych is over now and I think it went okay. I know I would have done better had a not studied it all the day of and day and night before but that is my own fault. I'm kinda mad that I screwed myself out of getting a really awesome mark in that course. The exam was really fair and if I had just spent a little more time during the term learning about perception... Oh well, I'd rather sacrifice that mark a little and do okay in everything and not fail anything.

That's 4 down and 1 to go. So happy I'm almost done... and that I finally can focus my attention to genetics. Which shall be fun because I get sick pleasure from doing genetics problems... it's really sick. Even I think it is sick.

Lindsay is leaving tomorrow morning and it's kinda sad. The house will be so empty. Without her or Daley here, how will I distract myself?I'm sure I'll find ways... although seeing as we are cleaning right now I won't be able to do that.

Oh well, not much to say. I guess I'll stop.

State: Almost relaxed... but still not completely- still one exam you see

Finally done reading all of my psych. I wouldn't be surprised if I don't do so hot on this exam. Although, even if a I didn't write the exam I'd walk out passing the course (with a D though... and I don't want one of those). I'm just hoping the multiple choice gods are on my side today.

I'm certain I know enough to pass, but I kinda wanted to do well. hehe I guess it is a little late for that. :)

Well I should get going. Last chance review session for genetics to attend before I write this psych exam...

State: Curious as to what my performance will be considering the variables. A little test of my short-term (or "working memory")
Song: Sexy Plexi- Jack Johnson- lets just say Lindsay and I have been listening to Jack Johnson's Brushfire Fairytales on repeat for the past week.

About half way through reading the 200 pages (and that isn't an exaggeration- Chapters 5 through 9 of Peter Gray's Psychology or pages 161-363) of psych I probably should have read during the term but couldn't because of lack of time and um forgetting about the course because I only had it once a week.

Mind you, this is the most enjoyable cramming experience I have had thus far. Tons of information, but at least I don't have to decode it before I memorize it. sigh... well I should get back to work... still 100 pages to go.

State: in the psych zone
Song: Where is my mind?- The Pixies

Biochem was horrible.

I'm just happy it is done.

State: Happy I only have two exams left.

sigh... I keep repeating to myself that I can pass this course. I guess deep down inside I want to more than pass biochem. I only need 30% on the exam to pass, but I'm not sure if they have some policy that doesn't let you do that. Anyways, I want more than 30%...

I guess we'll just see how it goes...

State: The smile is gone, reality has set in.
Song: Closing Time - Leonard Cohen

One down, three to go and the first one was just swell.

hehehe Why are the bacteria happy?(And it's not because they are having sex.) Why is Lisa happy? (And it's not because she is having sex.) It's because her micro prof gave her a nice gift in the form of a final exam.

I think he really did want to bring our averages up.

Anyways- back to the studying.

State: Big smile on my face because I am not thinking about how little I know about biochem for my exam tomorrow. And I found today's micro exam almost enjoyable.
Song: Ain't no Mountain High Enough

Sigh... Well here is my update. I did much better than expected on the evil lab exam from hell. A whopping 72% which sits me at 74% in the course, not bad at all. I'm feeling okay about the material. Now it just depends on how the test goes down and how he asks questions and such. It is no longer in my control anymore. I stayed up until 2 last night being quizzed out of my mind by Lindsay and got a good 7 hours sleep and I am feeling quite refreshed.

I probably won't feel very refreshed when I get home and have to study for my biochem exam. Oh well, c'est la vie. At least it is only tomorrow afternoon again. And then I get a day break! Woo hoo!

Well, I'm going to go shower and ready myself.

Song: Bubble Toes- Jack Johnson
State: Trying to get into "the zone" for my exam

I should be in bed sleeping, but alas I am not. I just needed to get my thoughts out for the day. Unfourtunately, I think I might have forgotten everything that I was going to talk about.

Oh right... weird dream last night. It think it might be all the studying. I no longer feel like I am going to fail any of my exams. Note the word feel... I have made considerable progress in the past four days. The most in these past two "less is more" days. I however still have a lot of details to memorize for my microbiology final. I'd be happy with getting the same mark as I got on my midterm which was almost 70% and it isn't curved so I'd probably get a B/B- with that and I'd be happy with that.

I've decided to stick with my schedule next semester. I need to find out the hard way whether I truly want to continue on in genetics. It isn't a bad semester when I don't think about the hell that will be my exam week. But that's a long ways off and maybe I'll be better at managing my time by then. ha... that's funny. I think I say that every semester. It's great.

I think I had something more important to say than what I wrote in this entry... meh. It's too late, I don't remember anymore.

I'm going to sleep so I can dream me some messed up dreams.

Song: Inaudible Melodies- Jack Johnson
State: Study mode, hopefully in retention mode as well...

hmmm so less is more. I'm liking this theory. I guess I'll see how it works on Tuesday. The past three days have gone by sooo quickly. And you know what's funny: I think I've gone out (yes I'm counting walking in this) more in the past four days than I have all term. Funny/crazy. I guess you could use both those words to describe me as well. I was just thinking about how I censor myself from myself. Yes that's right... self-censorship. aka- self deception. yeah... there are so many things that I would like to believe true of myself and I try to convince myself of these truths. And the thoughts I am suppressing really aren't healthy thoughts to be having about one-self. And I try and convince myself I don't have them. For example- I'd like to believe that someday someone will love me... but inside deep inside I think I carry the opposite belief. Weird and Sad... hmmm Anyhow... going to bed now so I can get an "early" start to the studying.

Song: It's All Understood- Jack Johnson
State: Pensive... and in the back of my mind still worried about exams

Okay... quiz time again...


Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you?

I better get back to work... it's going much better today though.

Less is more.
Quality over quantity.
I think I may even be able to master this proteins thing yet.
However, my back is killing me.
All the stress has gone right to my back, sending shooting pain though it.
Damn.
Wow... this is short. So are my sentences.

State: rejeuvenated, but scared.

hole in lip getting bigger.
space in head getting smaller.
i'm starting to think less is more.

Okay, I found what Q10 is... if you are interested go here.

Quite a good explanation. Too bad my biochem prof didn't tell us what it is. It could have prevented me from wasting this hour.

Okay, well now that I solved that mystery... back to work.

I'm really frustrated with my biochem notes for the protein section. Makes me want to rip out my hair! ARGH! Does anyone know what the Q10 of a chemical reaction is? I wish I hadn't slept though the protein section now. Although I'm fairly certain I was awake during that lecture as I do have notes written on that lecture slide. I guess he failed to define Q10 or everyone else knows what it is.

Sigh... if I can just get through studying proteins I can move on to study the more fun and exciting: carbohydrates and metabolism!

State: Becoming more frustrated by the second...
Song: Between the Bars - Elliot Smith

I think I've reached max capacity on studying today so I think I'll stop. I guess I can let myself on my computer now with little ill effect.

Our power almost went out... weird.

so very tired... mayhaps I will just sleep.

goodnight!

Song: Makes No Difference- Sum 41 (no reason, it just keeps playing in my head)
State: brain dead

I'm refusing to go onto msn because if I do, I know that I can kiss getting a lot of studying done goodbye.

Trying to work on biochem but I hate the notes the biochem prof has for proteins. I'm not exactly sure I know what he wants us to know for the final and this is worrysome. I've already studied an hour for microbiology. Not that it will make a difference.

Sigh... well I guess I should get back to work. I think I am starting to remember why I hated biochemistry so much before we got our carbohydrates prof. I think it might be the proteins and my proteins prof.

State: Buried in notes and books
Worry: That I am never going to learn it all...
Song: study mix playlist- various artists- iTunes

Okay- so it is going to be hard to put into words the anger I feel right now toward a particular course.

I think the best way to do this would be to tell a little story...

The Tale of Lisa and the Super Evil Microbiology Lab Exam

12:49 pm
So I'm sitting in my biochemistry class anxiously waiting for it to end. For once our biochem prof doesn't go overtime and my lab partner and I race off to our microbiology class.

12:55 pm
So we made it through the crowds of people who wanted to take their time getting to whatever classes they probably didn't have. And now I was sitting getting reading to write the lab exam which I had thoroughly prepared for. I got my two pencils and one pen out and prepared my mental calculator (as they don't let you use calculators in microbiology). As I read the exam instructions, I realize that the exam is more than half multiple choice, each question worth 3 marks each. I try and take some deep calming breathes and block the noise of 400 talking students from my mind.

1:01 pm
Just before I am handed my exam, I wish Lindsay good luck and she wishes me the same. Then I begin the horrible exam. I flip through it once to see how more stuff is on there. 18 multiple choice and 4 full legal sized pages of short answers. I tried not to panic. I took some deep breathes and began the multiple choice. That wasn't going so well so I skipped to the written. Inside my mind was saying, "FUCK!!" I kept shaking my head. This wasn't happening. I knew my stuff so well and they give me this piece of shit exam that ended up being harder than my midterm that most people almost failed. So I did the best I could on what I did know how to do and made up some crappy-ass answers which in classes like organic chem might have gotten me some marks but in my microbiology if it isn't worded the way the stupid fucking anal T.A.'s want - then you're screwed. Run-on sentence I know... but I'm mad and therefore feel entitled to some crappy grammar!

1:51 pm
I hand in my exam. Looking at it for five minutes more wasn't going to get me to remember stupid information that they shouldn't have even been testing us on. I guess anything is fair game... but this was just cruel.

2:01 pm
Lindsay and I curse a lot as we head toward SUB.

Lindsay said, "Fuck that shit!"
Lisa said, "So much for THAT bringing my mark up..."

I split a Wunderbar with Lindsay. Chocolate usually makes us feel better. We both wish our ceilings had been high enough for her to keep her punching bag.

2:20 pm
I head home... Lindsay goes and studies with Princess. I stop for groceries... ~sigh~

So that's my story... now I think I'll take my anger out on the house and give it a nice good clean. Along with my room that is. I need to remove all procrastination methods so that I can get some pure gold study time in tomorrow.

bye for now...
State: Infuriated... but the anger is slowly ebbing
Song: I feel so - Boxcar Racer

I felt like writing, but i'm not sure what to write exactly. Yesterday and what seems like will be today as, well how do I describe this feeling? Ah I think I have found the words: numb and detached.

Feeling is almost always better than feeling nothing at all. As distracting as it was, I'd almost give anything to go back to being super confused (which I still am- but I'm just not feeling it anymore). It would almost be good to feel like this during exams, except for that it wipes away all motivation along with it.

I wish I could just laugh, cry, freak out, feel something.I also wish I could curl up into a ball and just sleep the feeling off. Alas, I can't. I need to get ready for school. Put on my yet to be cleaned clothes and drag my ass to school.

Mood: Numb and detached
Song: What you wish for- Guster

So all my T.A.'s e-mailed me back today on the dilution problem I was having trouble with and that was great. They all had a different methods of getting to the right answer and some of them were easier than others. I don't know where I am going with this- I guess I'm just glad they cared enough to e-mail me back.

My Micro prof is evil.... but I still think he is awesome. I think he likes bacteria more than he likes people. He was asking us today what we wanted to have on our final and he was like, "So because I am letting you guys pick was 10% of your exam is about does that mean I can make the rest of the exam as EVIL as I want?" and there was a resounding NO! from the 400 people in the lecture theater. It was funny... and yet scary. Speaking of scary, antibiotic resistance is really scary... I won't get into that. I think I'd probably bore everyone to tears- just remember: Not all bugs need drugs!

So yeah, I think I have come to terms with the fact that I don't know what I am going to do with my life at this point. I'm not sure if genetics is for me but I am also not sure if psych is for me. Maybe I should just abandon both of those ideas and do something entirely different. Who knows... I think I'll probably end up keeping next semester the way it is just because it is alot easier to switch into psychology or something else at a later date than it is to switch back into what I am doing right now.

So I'm feeling pretty good right now considering in about two and half hours I write a final. Normally, I'd be freaking out... it's kinda weird that I'm not. Meh... oh well. Not much I can do about that :) It's almost like I don't care... also very scary. But I'm pretty sure I do care... I'd just like to think I don't.

I'm also happy because they remarked all of the first midterms from my biochem class (for a reason that is still unknown to me- I actually was not aware that they were being remarked). I got three more point which gives me 67% instead of 63% and an overall mark going into the final of 75%. YAY! Not as much pressure...and the best part about that class is that it is not curved.

Okay- I've gone on and on about the my boring school filled life for long enough. Time for me to look over my anthro notes for the last time before my exam. Until next time- ciau!

Silly Quiz time again :)


You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

It's funny, but probably true... not that I've been kissing anyone lately but if I was... I think I'll stop there.

As I never get much done here, I'm off to the library for some one-on-one action with my anthropology notes and my microbiology lab manual. It looks like it's going to be another hot day with the school books ;)

Okay- so the big bad genetics lab exam wasn't so big or so bad. I think it might have even gone well. But I won't go so far as saying that because it might curse it or something. Or maybe I was writing the wrong answers... hahaha wouldn't that be great? or not... ha.

I'm so out of it... it's like body or mind is saying, "Woah, WTF?"

Maybe it's the nuclear winter of the mind and I'm Australia. haha not quite and if you don't know what I am talking about- visit the End of the World link.

Okay... I'm getting microbiology read to me so will end this here.

State: Mentally and physically exhausted
Song: Glass Vase Cello Case -Tattle Tale

It feels like thursday- probably because I spent the day studying and tomorrow will not feel like a weekend day because of THE EXAM. And then Sunday will feel like saturday and Monday will feel like Sunday but wrong and I'll get to do the exam thing all over again. I feel like jelly. Think it might be the studying. mmmm bed mmmm. Not sure if I'll remember all I need to know. Hope my math skills (what little ones I have) don't fail me. I'm feeling kinda woosy, like I have been drinking. It's actually quite pleasant. Too bad the time before this was spent in a library with a bunch of wannabe doctors cuddled up to my genetics lab manual. My genetics book and I connected tonight. Wow I just typed that witt my eyes closed. Feeling this calm the night before an exam feels odd. And I sound strangely stoned. woah. Hopefully all goes well in exam land tomorrow. The question is: Have I prepared enough to go to exam heaven for three hours or will I be sent to exam hell with all the rest of the folk who failed to prepare themselves for the thing commonly known as : THE GENETICS LAB EXAM?

stay tuned until saturday aka the "real" friday of my week to find out the fate of Lisa vs. the evil GENETICS LAB EXAM...

So I went into see what I got wrong on my psych midterm. It was kinda funny actually. I knew the answers to three of the questions I got wrong but somehow picked the wrong one. And then the others were all pretty obvious as well.

And I had my last lab ever with my TA who doesn't speak english. In some ways, I felt really bad for him a lot of the time. And he was so cute today saying his goodbyes to us. He said that we probably weren't lucky to have him as a TA but that he was sure lucky to have us. And then he laughed and said he probably should have said that before the TA evaluations. I feel bad and I think I'll go to his review session- providing it is just an opportunity to get questions answered. I might just work in the room and ask questions if I need to.

And I still don't know what I want to do with my life... but I'm wondering if anyone does really?

All I really want is simple: A job that satisfies me, someone to share my life with and to have good times with my friends and family. Is this really too much to ask?

And I wish I could get rid of the tension in my back.... damn stress all goes straight to my back... I wish I could have a back massage :)

I have three exams in the next five days so I'd better get back to studying. As usual...

mood: tense, very, very tense and oddly hyper- maybe I am just going crazy?
song: Rainy Days- Guster and Sick Cycle Carousel- Lifehouse

hehehe.. this made me laugh although I don't really agree with the reason or anything but I liked the picture so yeah... what am I talking about? the results to my lastest bout of quiz taking :)


Congratulations!! You're a shot of some good old
hard liquor!


What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

anyhow more studying to do than I have time... until next time adios :)

Well today shall be a busy one. I'm not liking this state of not knowing. This state of uncertainty. My only comfort is that everyone I know seems to have gone through this at some point, and really that isn't conforting at all.

I'm going to see the psych advisor today. I'm looking into switching out of science. It's something that actually scares me. I've been confortable with my decision to become a genetic counsellor for so long the prospect of doing something else is really scary. At the same time- so is the prospect of continuing on in biology and having to do a research project that I'm not sure, even after another year at university, that I'll be able to do. So that's where I stand right now...

You see, I'm not confident that I don't like what I am doing right now. I might like it... I'm really not sure... I'm not even sure that I really like psych. I either like it the same or equal or i don't know.

Anyhow I'm going to see the advisor just to see how much doing this year and a half in bio will put me back- if at all.

Okay... I'm going to stop rambling now. And get my butt to school so I can start working for the day :)

Okay it's that time of the week again... What time you ask? QUIZ TIME! I'm not sure I agree with my answer- but I'm happy I am the green tic tac!


You are Spearmint.
You are quick-witted and sharp. You pay close
attention to details and you can tell what your
friends are feeling. You are always the first
to understand a joke and you are valued for
your insight and advice. However, you
sometimes isolate yourself from other people,
afraid to share your own feelings.
Most Compatible With: Cinnamon


Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

not much to say...
song: Mr. Sandman- The Chordettes
mood: pretty good
activity: reading, reading and some more reading :)

Okay, so I still don't know what I want to do... but I have to get through this semester. I always knew that there was a possibility of not being totally enthused with the degree that I have decided to persue... but I'm not sure if I'm unenthused or if I am just burnt out.

hmmm that is the question...

but I also don't have time to think about all this... gobs of homework await. And I mean gobs.

Song: It's not going to stop- Aimee Mann
Mood: oddly happy despite my state of confusion

Okay... so I switched my schedule around for next semester... I think i like it better like this. hmm who knows- I guess I will see :)

I think some of my not knowing what to do may be due to the fact I am super burnt out right now. Which mean I have no desire to study.

On the other hand- I want to pass my biochem exam so I am going to get back to studying... :-P

Okay the resolution on this school computer is horrible, but I guess I will blog anyhow. Resolution does not impede typing it mere creates an eye-sore.

Okay- so I am highly confused. Highly. I'm starting to question what I want to do with my life. I don't know really... I hate this feeling. I hate not knowing... I need to make up my mind though or else I'll be wasting my time and money here at university. I know what I don't want to do. I guess that is a start. I've always known mostly want I don't want to do- it has never relaly been a problem for me. Picking between all of the things I am interested in and do want to do IS a big problem.

Okay- I still like science and I am enjoying my courses well enough- but I'm not sure I'm as passionate as I would think I should be about some of the stuff that I am studying. What I am getting at is that I am not sure I even really want to do a degree in genetics anymore. sigh... which was the whole big plan- but plans often don't work out the way you want them to. I like my genetics course and I think it is really cool- but I'm not sure I really care enough about it to do it in the detail my degree is going to require me to. I enjoy medelian genetics quite a bit and the molecular basis for in hereitance in human and stuff- all the really cool stuff. What I am not so hot on is a lot of the molecular stuff that we do... I don't think I'd really want to do research in it or anything like that. But that doesn't rule out genetic counselling which I still think I'd like a lot. The thing is- I have to get through all that stuff I don't like to have a degree so that I can even be eligible to apply for genetic counselling. There is a possibility that I won't even get accepted into one the three school that offer genetic counselling in Canada- which means I have to look elsewhere for school- like the states. And that is sure to burn a HUGE hole in my pocket. And then if I don't get into that I have start thinking of other career possibilities or be that person with two degrees that works at McDonald's.

Or I could drop the whole genetics degree thing- and just go for something entirely different - like psych or something. Which would probably make me insanely happy for awhile as all I would have to take in the next two years are tons of psych courses and tons of arts courses. But then I run into the same problem of not knowing what to do with the psych degree... I don't want to be a counsellor. ( Unless it involves genetics... haha) I was thinking psych research could be cool- I'll be in school for the next little while though - you know master's degree, then PhD, then post doctoral fellowship and then I'd probably end up being a psych prof because more researchers are professors unless you work for a private company. I have been less than successful in finding a master's program in something that combines genetics and psychology because that is what I am really interested in. I guess I'll continue my search for the illusive, non-existant graduate program and talk to my professors in the meantime and see what they think.

Or I could just get my science degree and then get an education degree and be a high school science teacher. I'd enjoy that... Except then I'd probably have to take physics and calculus (shudder).

I was also thinking of getting my degree in Medical Laboratory Science... it sounds pretty cool- but I'm not sure that it is really what I want. I have the marks to get in and I do enjoy that type of lab stuff... hmmm. I hate that I am interested in so many different things and that I can't seem to decide what it is I want to do...

Or I could hang out in the buisness building or dentistry pharmacy or medical science building and pick me up a future doctor and get married and have babies... j/k

If anyone out there reading this has any advice that would be great... if not so be it. I think I will end my longest blog entry ever and get back to work as I have a quiz in microbiology tomorrow morning and I have my last biochem midterm on wednesday. Until next time...

I took yet another quiz... this one a little odd- but I love Jack Sparrow so I couldn't resist.

You are "Welcome to the Caribbean, love."
You're more than a little world-weary, but also
intelligent and you keep your head when things
get dodgy. You're everybody's favorite
drinking buddy, but your stubbornness does get
in the way sometimes.


Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Break time over... biochem awaits ;)

Okay- procrastinating hard-core just took another useless quiz... I'm not sure I agree with the outcome but here it is:

Lord of the Rings!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

I guess I should get back to work...

Hmmm earlier I had tons to write about. Oh yes now I remember. Okay I am really annoyed... I haven't been sleeping well since I got back. It's horrible. Last night I woke up almost every hour... I was too hot most of the night. I going to try and go to bed early tonight- like 10:30 something like that.

And for something completely different: I'm so excited about the new Harry Potter Movie... that comes out months from now. The Trailer came out a few days ago.

I was fascinated by the quiz Daley had done on his blog as I study biological molecules- well all the time. Especially right now... but that is another story. So I took the quiz and I was pleasantly surprised by my result as I am a genetics major. It made me laugh.


You are DNA. You're a smart person, and you appear
incredibly complex to people who don't know
you. You're incomparably full of information,
and most of it is useless.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Anyhow- speaking of biological molecules I should get back to work... I have a biochem midterm on Wednesday that I am sooo not ready for.

No songs lately- no time to listen to music...
Mood: Kinda concerned about the possibility of failure in biochem...

I decided I really miss my friends.They are truly irreplaceable and unfourtunately scattered throughout the country.

Maybe that is the missing link...

hmmmm...

And I wish I was done copying out lindsay's notes so I can go to bed.... sigh mmmm sleep mmmm

Well after a wonderful five days with my friends in Victoria it is hard not to be bummed out. Really hard.

I spent the day doing biochemistry homework and I am hoping that some of the information when in because I really, really need to pass the midterm. Sigh... I wish I weren't so bummed out- then I might feel like doing homework more. But alas it is not so...

Maybe I should start by talking about my wonderful five days and maybe that will make me feel better. We can always hope. Okay- well Friday involved some visiting and watching half of a movie I fell asleep during so naturally I don't remember the name of the movie. We were awoken bright and early by Rachel and Craig... (7:00 am or something ridiculus like that) and that saturday morning was spent eating and lounging waiting to go hiking. Around 1 pm we headed out to our hike down to mystic beach. It was gorgeous but unfourtunately the sun sets early during the winter and we headed back home. Cornflake chicken was eaten and then we headed out for a night of dancing.

Sunday- we awoke early once again so that we could go kayaking. we spend a beatiful sunny afternoon on the ocean kayaking from Oak Bay to Cordova Bay. That night was spent making pasta- which for the most part turned out pretty good. A movie was possibly watched that night as well.... i can't remember.

Monday- finally we sleep in... had a late breakfast and then went for lunch at La Fiesta and shopping downtown. It was quite fun. I believe monday was roast night and also the night we watched the matrix. I slept through that as well. That was also the night I stuck my tongue out in my sleep... or whatever you might call what I did to Roy and Jane.

Tuesday - another glorious sleepin day... spent most of the day lounging around and I tried to get Rachel to love biology. I'm not sure if I suceeded, but I can always hope. Went out for supper at earls that night and we watched Legally Blond 2 that night and Pirates of the Carribean. I slept through most of pirates... although I do love that movie. My last night sleeping with Roy- and wednesday was also spent lounging and eating insane amounts of pancakes and hotdogs :)

and then I travelled back to my hovel... and cried :(

So that was my weekend. Hopefully my spirits brighten before too long because I'm not sure I can stand this state for much longer.

This weekend, I guess it just made me realize how much I value my friends. And how much I really do miss them. sigh... well I should go do some homework...or eat or do something...

Until next time...

In victoria right now... I'm tired but reallly hyper :)

And I got a busary from the school... how cool is that?

gotta love the free money :)

anyhow I should stop being antisocial :)

goodnight to all...

Okay I'm not liking this furnace not working business. Ugh... the pilot light keeps going out which result in cold air being blown throughout the house.

I had a good day though. I've found a study strategy that works for me so I think I'll stick to it. That is if I can get to bed early enough every night to do so.
I guess what inspired me to change my sleeping habits and my study habits for that matter was my complete lack of motivation in the area of homework and stuff of the like. So what I have come up with is the strategy of ~get this~: STUDYING AT SCHOOL! lol I don't think it is a new one... I'm far too distracted here by my computer and by homework that I essentially get nothing done.

So yeah... being far more productive in the mornings I have decided I will start to utilize my morning hours by getting up earlier and going to bed earlier.

Well I think I'll go and try and be as productive as I can in this cold place... and keep watching for my landlord's car. Hopefully he comes home soon...

Song: Learning How To Smile- Everclear
Mood: pretty good :)
physical state: cold as an ice cube :-/

Hmm what to say... I wanted to blog something but I seem to have nothing to write.

I'm excited about going to Victoria. I don't know, I guess I have plenty of inner brooding or thoughts or feeling or a mix of all of those! Maybe I just don't feel like sharing. I don't know... I guess it might be because I don't want to admit that I am feeling the way I do. I was a lot more motivated today.

I guess the simple truth is I'm lonely. Not in the "I need some friends way."I have plenty of wonderful friends that mean a lot to me. In that I'd like to find a significant other to share stuff with... and I guess the only way I'll meet one of those is by putting myself out there. At the same time, it is a huge risk. And I guess I haven't met anyone lately that I am willing to risk myself for. I'm not actually sure what I mean by risk... but I think what I mean is the risk of getting hurt. yes that's it... But then again maybe I don't know if they are worth the risk because I haven't gotten to know them well enough. hmm it's a huge vicious circle in my mind.

Oh well... I don't like talking about it. As far as I am concerned I shouldn't even be lonely in the first place. I want to be okay with being by myself. And maybe this is just a product of being alone for many years. I'm pretty sure that might be part of it. Part of the craving for companionship.Hmm I guess the faster I get used to feeling like this the better... either that or actually do something about it, which I probably won't because I'm silly like that.

Tomorrow I have my anthro midterm and I don't think I am ready. But i don't think I'll ever feel ready as it is anthropology and I never seem to feel ready for those exams and surprisingly still manage to do well.

Time to hit the sack....

Until next time...

Okay... well not much to say. Had an awesome night of movie watching last night.

Actually, Halloween turned out to be a pretty good day. Went out to Boston Pizza with Daley in the afternoon and then we hung out for awhile.

Finally got the furnace fixed so I have a warm house now. Watched Bend it Like Beckham and How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days and I highly recommend both.

I actually stayed up until 3:40 am talking with Lindsay and that was cool... except now I am ULTRA TIRED!

But my anthro readings call... because today is the day I have a date with my textbooks!

I added comments to this if anyone cares or even reads this. hehehe I don't care either way- but if someone does acutally read this and feels like replying then they have a way to!

Okay... back to work...

Mood: meh... motivationless as far as studying goes
Song: Les jours tristes (Amélie Soundtrack)

I'm having one of those terrible, no good, very bad days...

I got my microbiology mark back... ugh. Well on the plus side I'm not failing the course... and I guess since I did well on genetics something had to give.... and really the mark isn't that bad... I should be happy like I was in grade 11 when I got 69's on stuff... I just wish it were 70. 70 looks better...

I forgot my anthro notes at home... so I'll be taking notes in my micro notebook and transfering them later... I hate doing that.

I sent all of my bio labs through my e-mail so i could work on them at school... but alas that didn't work as planned either. My one lab that did send won't open... the other one is fucked, and yeah. So right now I am piddling away useful time that could have been spent doing that- had stupid technology worked in my favour for once. As a result I will be up later tonight putting the finishing touches on the stupid reports.... and in some ways I guess that is my own fault for not doing it last night.

So I am feeling very discouraged, very much like doing nothing at all- when in reality that is the opposite of what I SHOULD be doing! AHHHH!

Well seeing as I can't really work on my bio labs anymore I should probably go somewhere to try and finish what I can that doesn't involve stupid technology.

so yeah...

mood: irritated, tired, on the verge on a breakdown...
Song: Lonely Day - Phantom Planet

I guess I'd have to say I'm kinda down... it's never a good sign when I start bringing out the sad songs. I also can't concentrate very well on what I am trying to work at. I'm scared I'll fail and right now I don't care. That's not true, I do care but it doesn't make me any less distracted.

I want to go visit my dad. I don't want to write three midterms in the next two days. I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep but I know I can't. Or just sit on a couch and watch movies. Like Bend it Like Beckham... or American Beauty or Life as a House.

I wish I could cry... I think it would help release a little of what is inside of me. Too bad I'm all dried up...

Mood: worry, with a side of guilt and exam anxiety
Song: Nothing to do with anything just a song I'm liking right now- Photograph by Blue Rodeo. (that's right I've brought out the country)

Okay... the stress is building but I just have take things one by one. I was freaking out last night... I seem to have one mental breakdown a night... well mental breakdown seems extreme, but I do freak out.

I think Lindsay thought I was crazy for going for a walk at 10:30 with Daley. Well maybe I am crazy, but i needed to get out of the house.

I had the most intense craving for medicated lip stuff. I guess old habits die hard. I could be addicted to other things, much more addictive things and I'm glad that I am not.

I'm supposed to go to a birthday party tonight... I want to go but I feel like I should neglect my school work... ugh. I hate that feeling...

Well I should go... later.

Unfortunately I can't share today's "wonderful" events with you all. It involved a waste of time and lots of bus riding and lots of waiting and me getting to know the city better. And and the end of it all I still have the same problem I started with and won't know for three days if there is any solution to it. I'm so very uncomfortable...

Anyhow...

I should go and try and sleep so I can be more productive tomorrow.

goodnight...

Mood: Irritated and uncomfortable
Song:Karma Police - Radiohead

Okay this will be short cause it's 1:00 am and I am tired!

I love turkey!

My first turkey dinner made by me and it was great!

Off to bed...

Mood: Turkey sleepy
Movie: I've been quoting Lord of the Rings ALL day... must be the food!
Song: In My Life- The Beatles...

Wow... I seem to have gotten myself into the wonderful world of cramming once again. Why do I do this to myself? I want to cry because I'm so far behind, but that will do nothing. Last year I wouldn't have cared this much, but these courses matter to me. Why have I done nothing all week? Where did my week go? Alas... I cannot answer these questions.

I've been hiding, and in fact I still am. I've put up a wall, one that probably won't come down anytime soon. I built it strong, so that I couldn't be hurt again. I'd like to take it down- take my chances with the world again, but I'm so scared I'll be hurt again. I know, though, the greatest risks taken in life are often the most rewarding experiences. Not that I have any specific risks right now. Generally though, I am scared to put myself out there when it comes to relationships. I also generally try and bury myself in my schoolwork to forget about stuff like this. I guess that should work well for the time being seeing as I have so much.

Happy to be having turkey tomorrow...

Unhappy about the state of my school affairs...it will be a wonder if I sleep tonight.

I guess I'll go try...

oh yeah... song of the night: Save Me- Aimee Mann... in fact I feel like listening to a whackload more of Aimee Mann music... she's awesome for my mood.

Wow, time flies when you are having fun! And fun I did have time weekend! I relaly should get back to studying anthro as my midterm is tomorrow but I'll do a quick blog and be on my way.

Well Lindsay's friend Jenny came for the weekend so on friday we picked her up from the bus depot and proceeded back to out hovel. We made fajitas and carrot cake for our wonderful night in which consisted of good conversation, great TV(Gilmore Girls and Sex in the City) and even better food (mmm carrot cake!). Up early the next day for our date with our bacteria and then it was off to the gym. After the gym we head to west ed for some shopping- ugh I hate west ed more with every visit. Bought a cool shirt that only set me back 7$. Made our way back to the Hovel for a quick nap before heading out for supper and drinks at O'Byrnes. The food was some pretty damn good bar food and my tequila sunrises weren't bad either. To top it all off- I won an Alexander Keith's mug! It's quite nice! We decided we would have to go out more often as we had loads of fun and got our minds off of school for a few of hours. We even made a pact to go out after finals. We even shook on it...

So after the walk home that seemed shorter than the walk there (hmm I wonder why?) we got ready for bed, ate some more carrot cake and chatted some more...

today was spent studying for anthro... all and all a great weekend!

Back to the grind!

Mood: Contented
Song: Flake- Jack Johnson

Well I'm up late again tonight... I had a major anxiety attack earlier this evening regarding biochem.

As long as I have all of those before the exam and not during the exam I'll be fine.

Good weekend... well at least sorta. I mean as good as it could be considering I studied amino acids all weekend...

bed calls...

song of the night: The Places That You Have Come To Fear The Most- Dashboard Confessional

Well another week have come and gone. I guess I've feeling better than I was the last time I posted which is good but I really I have no reason for this change. Maybe I've just re-become okay with being alone. Which is always good because I hated feeling the way I was before. Feeling like that makes me feel so powerless over my emotions. Not that I always want to have power over my emotions... but yeah. What I'd really like some power over is my hormones. They usually cause me more problems than my emotions.

So this weekend will be spent cramming for biochem. I have my first midterm in that course this Wednesday.

And I'm excited because tonight I am going to watch the premier of Gilmore Girls... woo hoo...

Otherwise my life is same old, same old. Song of the moment: Run - By Collective Soul and I Refuse by Sense Field

I should be in bed right but I'm not... anyhow this will be short... I found the perfect song to descibe how I am feeling and I had to share...

and the winner is: What Would Happen- Meredith Brooks

goodnight

It's late but I need to blog anyways. I'm not sure what about... but I have an overwheming desire to do so.

I talked to my Dad today. I kinda felt bad for not having phoned him since he helped me move. He sounded really good. I got a lot of news from him... lots of stuff I don't feel confortable sharing on here. Some stuff that kinda shell shocked me. My dad's horse injured its leg really bad... He spent a ton of money apparently trying to fix the leg where most people would have probably put the horse down or whatever they do to horses that get hurt.

Spent most of the day doing homework today... even so- I don't feel like I was very productive.

I'm so scared for my biochem midterm... it's too soon. ugh!

I wanted to write a huge paragraph on my state of mind right now... but I'm far too tired... and I have to get up in seven hours to go to school for the day! And when I say day- I mean I will be there for 10 hours or some sick amount of time like that...

song of the night: The Scientist- Coldplay

I had my first genetics lab today. I think it would be okay except I got a TA who has never taught the lab before and also has never taught anything in English before. Oh well, it will just be a lot more self directed than most bio labs. And i'll probably learn more from Lindsay's TA's handouts. Man, it would be great if our TA had handouts... I felt bad for him too. He was so nervous and we as students are so unforgiving as far as the language barrier goes. I'm going to try my best to be patient and such, give him the least trouble possible.

haha- the thermostat in my house is very sensitive... it just kicked in again... after being off for maybe 5 minutes.

I had some odd dreams last night. I can't remember much other than that David and this guy Ian (a cochrane guy) were in it. And they were both making me do weird things. Like climbing up a rope. But I wasn't really climbing up the rope... I was watching myself climb the rope on my computer... And they were both studying some sort of chemistry. Some really hard chem. Very theorectical.

So maybe I'll elaborate on how I've been feeling lately... maybe i'll be less vague than I was before. Or maybe I'll just keep it to myself... yeah.

Song of night: It's Not- Aimee Mann. Describes my state of being quite well... :)

sigh... biochem piling up... I haven't made much progress. 12 days until my first midterm... and i know very little.

anyways... other than that I think my stuff is going good.

as good as can be expected...

anyways... I really don't feel like pouring my heart out right now. although i have lots to pour my heart about.... don't feel like letting the world know how I feel on the inside...

goodnight to all...

song of the night: Dashboard Confessional- Standard Lines

Well another tuesday come and gone and as far as school work goes i didn't get much done... i do however understand genetics concepts better so that is good.

Not to gross all those reading out( but I will anyhow), but i feel like I am going to choke on my own phlegm and I'm starting to wonder if a shot of hard alcohol might do the trick as far as denaturing the protein lodged in my throat. Unfourtunatly I have no hard alcohol to test this theory... but the logic behind it seem about right... alcohol is pretty good a denaturing anything so yeah...although i'm not sure I'd be able to hold it in my throat for long enough to do any good....

On to less biologically gross topics (although all I can think of right now is the fact that I feel like choking...):

So I was a guinea for psych yesterday. So that was cool... but it was hard. The tester said there was no wrong answers... but I still was nervous. i mean I knew nothing about what they were asking... oh well pretty cool research anyhow.

I'm being thinking too much again lately... not that you really can think too much... but the brainstomer in me couldn't stop. Unfourtunately I haven't been able to convert this extra thinking into studying biochem.... unfourtunately this thinking seems to be centered around something completely unrelated to school. I'm being horribly vague, however, that is intentional. I wouldn't want anyone to actually guess what I might have been thinking about... because it is something I don't want to think about and yet I can't help myself.

I think i have rambled on about everything and nothing for long enough...

time to catch some zzzz's or listen to some more Dashboard Confessional... one of the two. I really should sleep... I've been up for far too long...

ciau for now:)

Lisa :)

Not understanding genetics is the least of my worries now. The fact that I don't understand biochem is far more daunting as the book sucks as far explanations go. That class is going to be the death of me.

I think it's funny that I haven't heard half the songs in my music library on my iTunes. That might have something to do with the fact that I stole around 700 songs from Daley. It's great- I keep finding new favorite songs. And I don't even have to turn on a radio or anything. They are all just there.

I'm really excited about my psych class. We have these online discussion groups and it seems like it will be really fun. My group seem like it will be pretty good- we sound like a bunch of keeners which is good because then we are likely to do well.

I got this cool program called a Konfabulator. It's hard to explain... but you use it to open widgets some of which are desktop weather or to-do lists ect. It's really cool. Only for macs though... the website is: www.widgetgalley.com.

So my newly discovered song is The Brilliant Dance by Dashboard Confessional... it doesn't really describe my state of mind or anything. But I really like it. I like it a lot.

Okay, on that note I'm going to sign off for today...

Well, another day has passed and this cold does not seem to be getting better. I guess you could say it is getting better but not at the rate that I wish it to.

I'm kinda not liking the fact that I don't understand my genetics stuff. I guess I will be going in for help tomorrow. I mean I'll think i understand it and then i'll go to do the problem and I won't be able to. It really sucks...

Nothing is really new in my life although I have this horrible sinking feeling that something is not quite right. This feeling is recent as in within the past five minutes. I feel just now at this very moment very unsure of myself. As if I am not spending enough time doing homework or something crazy like that. Which is true... i haven't spent nearly enough time doing biochemistry. Especially since I have been spending a lot of time trying to understand my genetics.

So that's all of my uninteresting news... back to the grind aka "my homework"....

Well, I haven't posted in approximately 10 days... so I guess I should. So school has been in for about a week and I've already picked favourites as far as courses go. I HATE biochemistry so far and my favourite (no surprise) is my first genetics course Bio 207. Placing second would be Anthropology- which I happen to love. I could almost see myself getting converted into an arts student because of that course. hahaha... well not quite. But you never know... I could always end up being a genetic anthropologist... which would be cool. Third fav is psychology which I have always liked so that isn't really a surprise... and Microbiology is kinda tied for third with psych... because it is pretty cool too.

Anyways, enough talk about school as fascinating as school is. Unfortunately I have been sick for the past three days. Some sort of head cold that seems to be going around because no one at uni ever stays home when they are sick, including me. I actually had to go on Tuesday though... cause I had a Lab and you really can't miss those unless you are almost dying which I wasn't so yeah. sigh... damn I'm still talking about school.

I've been having really weird dreams lately... I was going to post them on here so that I could remember them but it's too late now because I forget what they were about. Maybe it's all the cold meds I've been taking lately. Or it could just be because I'm crazy. Who knows?

So it's my turn to cook tonight... and I really don't know what I am going to cook... it think it will be something really simple like tomato tuna pasta or spicy peanut chicken pasta or rice. but we've eaten a lot of chicken lately... so I don't know.

Anyways... I really should get going. I'm already behind in biochem (because I can't seem to get interested) and I want to some genetics reading done before Lindsay gets home.

Okay- very excited! My roommate Lindsay is coming in a mere 15 minutes! Woo hoo!

That's all for now folks... later!

Well, I finally got the internet connected today. I really didn't realize how much I'd miss it until it was gone and I was cut off from the world!

It's funny, I'm lying on the floor right now in Lindsay's Room (because that is where it was easiest to connect it). I couldn't move my desk in here because then I would have to move my dresser... so the floor it is.

Haven't been up to a whole lot. Just hanging out at Jen, Megan and Daley's... doing a huge puzzle. I wonder if it is done yet...hmm.

Lindsay moves in tomorrow... exciting!

I'm really tired because I didn't sleep well last night.... 4 and half hours total.

sigh... well that's all for now folks.

So this is my last post from the good old city of Calgary. I'm tired as I have not slept well tonight... my bed partially packed up along with my comforter. I was up at 3:30 am to unpack my comforter as I was very cold. It seems fall is coming.

Well, this post is going to be short as I still have much to do before I head out on the road.

Until I get internet hooked up- Goodbye

Well it's been awhile since I've posted... I'm leaving tomorrow for Edmonton. It was supposed to be today but Dad needed the truck for something today and so we are leaving tomorrrow. It's probably best this way as I am not packed right now... well i'm partially packed but not totally packed.

It was kinda sad leaving my job last night. I mean, I really enjoyed working at Heritage Park and I will definately miss it. I should be so lucky to find a part time job like that in Edmonton.

Anyways... I will cut this post short as I have a ton to do...

My song of the moment is :Time of Our Lives by David Usher

Wow, didn't post on Sunday and now it feels like it's been forever... spent the day being lazy/domestic. I wanted to do something with my Dad but he forgot I had the day off and went and did "stuff". Which is okay because I got to see Lindsay and Michael for the last time until reading break.

After I dropped Linds and Michael off at their house I drove around aimlessly partially because the way I usually take out of Michael's was blocked by a huge hole... Somehow I ended up on 14th street headed in the right direction to take John Laurie, but I thought I was on a different street and didn't recognize where I was (although I was only a few blocks away from Daley's house...) and turned off of it only to have to turn back onto it... it was though driving around not really knowing where I was going, but really knowing... and that makes no sense. Whatever... I got home....

Only 4 more days of work and until I go back up to edmonton... kinda scary actually.

I'm excited though... I can't wait to put up my 5$ blue shower curtain...

Well time to catch some zzzz... later

Wow... I spent far too much time at my place of work today. I took my family to Heritage Park today and it was actually a lot of fun. I got to visit with my family- but not nearly as much as I would have liked. It was far too short for not having seen them in two years. And my Dad was looking really good, which makes me happy because he was very zombie like the last time I saw him and that worried me.

Feeling very much in need of a back massage...possible back injury from the moving of far too many tables and chairs... I think i might be exagerating... and spelling badly again.

Excited because tomorrow is my Friday... only five more days of working at heritage park. I think I'll miss it though. It's been a great job....

I'm in another one of those "let's put a song on repeat moods" Tonight it's Deliver Me- by Moist (thanks for the song, Ash.)

That's all for tonight... I told you there would be nothing deep and meaningful posted tonight. Especially because of my odd mood tonight... I've said tonight a lot in the past two lines. anyhow- good night until next time... ciau :)

I bought new glasses today! They are super cool... and very different from what I have now. I pick them up tomorrow morning. I bought sunglasses too... I'm almost more excited about those...

I was supposed to go to my friend's pool party tomorrow but my sister and her three kids are in from Swift Current and I'm seeing them instead. Unfortunately I couldn't convince them to go to the pool party... I haven't seen them in about two years. It doesn't feel like it's been that long but time sure flies.... and now my niece is 13. It's amazing. I used to calculate when I was 13 how old I'd be when she was finally thirteen. And I always thought it was soooo far away. But herre I am... 20 years old and she's 13. My nefew is 11 and my other niece is 9.... I can't wait to see them. They've probably changed a lot since the last time I saw them.

I could have gone to a party tonight but I didn't really feel like it. And I have to get up early tomorrow and although I'd "plan" not to stay late and "plan" not to drink it probably wouldn't happen and I'd get home at 3:00 in the morning and be dead tired. And then I'd have to get up at 8 and be all cheery with my relatives and I'd probably be more like a zombie.

Song of the day- Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley... I love this song soooo much.

No deep insights today as I didn't do a lot of thinking.... come to think of it... there probably won't be any tomorrow either. I won't have time to think....Well time to sign off... Peace to all and to all a goodnight....

Okay... so I hardly did anything productive today besides work. Which means I had a day full of thinking...

I guess I was kinda in my own little world all day... a hazy daze just like the weather today. All the smoke looks like a fog....

Anyhow so I was thinking today... (while my internal radio played California by Phantom Planet on repeat) and I started feeling rather nostalgic. Actually... I've been feeling very nostalgic for quite awhile now... it's odd. I can't help but think of the past lately. I think it might be being back in Calgary for the summer. It almost feels like I'm preparing for my life to start again. Although it's not like life has ended here... but it feels like I'm living in the past and yet at the same time not.

I feel like I'm floating in between two times... the past and the future.

And then I was thinking about how long it's been since I've actually liked a person. As more than a friend that is. And when I say *actually* liked I mean... personality and all. I mean I've had some crushes- purely physical though and no one I'd feel comfortable pursuing anything with. People who don't know I exist and people who after I talked to them didn't seem so appealing after all. And then the people I have *actually* liked have been completely unavalible in their own special ways... ( I don't want to go into detail on this one as it is personal) I'm starting to wonder whether I ever will like again. But then I started thinking more rationally and realized I'm only human and of course I'll like again... it's just a matter of time...

As okay as I am with being single... I guess I am starting to feel a little lonely. I guess I just want what most people want... someone to share their life with. But I'm also willing to wait... as long as it takes...

And on that note I think i'll end this for the night... goodnight to all!

Well it's my Friday and it's yet another night in for me. But I'm okay with that... I guess I kinda would have liked to go out but whatever...

Anyways... I have a rant tonight and it's something I was thinking about at work today. Okay, I was talking to my co-worker Karyn and she's been "getting to know" this guy who picked her up at the gas station. Anyways, apparently last night they "defined" their relationship as being "friends with benefits". For the record, I hate the term "friends with benefits". Okay I have no problem with people having flings and such. But please don't call it friends with benefits.... call it what it is. The reason why I dislike the term so much is because friends - if that is what you are- DON'T makeout with each other. They don't fool around with each other... etc. Or at least them didn't the last time I checked... but I guess you are going to say well that's why we are friends with benefits... the more I rant the more I realize I really don't hate that particular label "friends with benefits" ... I hate all labels. I mean why put yourself into a box? Because society needs to know blah blah... well society can go to hell. The moment the world can stop labeling people and trying to sort us into groups and categories and such is the moment that we will find peace in the world...

I guess I'll end on that note... I'm really not this angry in real life... I just had to write down what was going through my head at work today. And if it doesn't make sense... it doesn't... it is what it is... Well that's all for tonight... goodnight to all...

Another Monday has come and gone although for me it felt more like Thursday. That's because my day off is Wednesday. I am looking forward to my day off very much as I am going to the eye doctor and getting my hair cut. Well, I'm really only getting my hair shaped into some sort of style. Everything seemed to go my way today which was really nice. The day had a nice flow to it... and nothing seemed to bother me. I bought the coolest (and cheapest) fabric to make my duvet cover with and although I was running late for work I managed to get there with plenty of time to spare. I even got the worst area to clean in the park (worst meaning greatest number of windows and most sauna-like). I guess it comes back to the discussion I had last night with Caitlin. It's all your perspective. I guess I just chose to look at getting the trains (the area I cleaned) as a good thing. And then suddently it was.

Speaking of the conversation I had with Caitlin- it was great. I was starting to think I was incapable of have intellectual conversation and that would mean I was turning into some mindless bimbo which is certainly not my goal in life. I think I must quote part of what she said last night because it was so good, so well written and so what I believe:

" things are what you make of them, and you mold them by how you approach them. everything is a completely neutral stimulus, but it's your history and perspective which define it's meaning, which is personal to you

   perspective is a great thing, but unfortunately most people dont realize that you can change it with a little effort. people would rather sit there, put no effort in, and be miserable. it's insane. when you think about it, all it takes is a little effort, and you can change your perspective to one that brings you happiness..... and you will undoubtedly be happier in the long run...... "

When I think back to how we all were in grade ten when I met most of my friends I can't help but be proud of us and how far most of us have come in our lives. I am lucky to have the friends that I do as each one of them inspires me to be best that I be... (I know gag... but it's true...)

So yeah... tomorrow is my "friday" and that is exciting. And considering the late hour of my evening last night, I'm not that tired. So life is good...

Well I guess this will be my first real post where I actually write something. Or maybe it won't be. It's funny because I thought of so many things that I could write in here while I was working and now that I am writing they seem to be gone. Anyhow... my dad sounds like he might be lending my mom his truck so I can move my stuff up to Edmonton. Which is good because that will save me a lot of money and it's been hard trying to find a vehicle to rent.

I'm reading a good book right now- A Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. I really enjoy Oscar Wilde's work. He always manages to make me laugh and his writing is littered with great one liners.

I was annoyed at work to begin with because my co-worker was late... and she proceeded to take her time getting her uniform on and such and we only got half of what we were supposed to get done because she didn't feel like working. She's quitting soon... but I can't understand why people go to work and then DON'T work and leave me to do all the work. I mean I complain about having to go to work before I get there, but that's more of an anticipation thing. Once I'm there it isn't so bad and I do what I get paid to do- without complaining. sigh... there's my little rant about work.

I was just thinking today (while I worked of course) of how much everything seems to have changed over the past five years of my life. And also what has seemed to remain the same. And then i was wondering if I've really changed... or if it is just my outlook on life that has changed? Or it could be both... I'm a much happier person now than I was five years ago- hell I'm much happier today than I was three years ago and that has made a huge difference in my life. I guess I know what I want out of life now... or at least more so than I did back in grade ten. I'm stilll a little insecure... but I'm working on that. And yeah... I'm a little bit more guarded than I used to be which is why it's been so hard for me to write this. Sometimes I feel like I want to tell someone something- something I might have freely told in the past and I stop myself. I guess that comes from being hurt... anyways... I guess I'm done pouring my heart out for the evening although who knows when this rare occasion will come upon us again... til next time adios.