Long story... will tell later

So I've moved into my place in Edmonton... it was quite an adventure actually. An adventure that will have to wait to be told.

A short teaser... a long ride in fog, the little car that could gave up and many emotional outbursts from myself and my mother.

Anyhow, I have to go eat so that I can drive down to Innisfail and then to Calgary to finish up the last of the stuff I need to do there!

Adios and Happy New Year EVERYONE!

It's begining to feel a lot like springtime...

This is what Calgary looked like this afternoon. It's Christmas, But it feels more like spring time. My mom and I went for a walk down Edmonton Trail to the Rotary Park which overlooks downtown near my mom's apartment. It was amazing...

Anyhow... that's really all that is going on with me. I got some really nice Christmas presents. My mom really liked the scarf I made her too. It took a long time but it was worth it see the smile on her face when she opened it up.

I am thinking about starting a food blog... but I'm not sure how much time I'd have to devote to it. Especially since I am going back to school... but it is something to think about.

I should go though... I hope everyone is having a good Christmas! Happy Holidays everyone!

The Last Day

So today is my last day at work... and I'm actually kind of sad. I won't miss living in Brooks or my job really, but I'm feeling sad from all the goodbyes. I'm going to miss the people. Well most of them at least. I almost cried when I opened up Vanessa's going away gift she got for me.

Anyhow... I should be happy but I'm not really. Give me a few days and I'll be okay. Sometimes moving on is hard, but it has to be done.

Merry Christmas if I don't post before then.

State: Sad
Song: Letting Go- Sozzi

Anti-social

tomorrow at 14:30 pm I commence the first of my last four shifts at the lab. Part of me is ecstatic and the other part of me is sad. I am going to miss the people I work with. That is honestly the ONLY thing I will miss.

Today, I saw Lindsay and Michael which was nice. Now instead of being pratically married, they are engaged. I'm pretty sure they won't mind me saying anything. We went shopping, and I finished up my Christmas shopping. The malls were busy, but I think I have seen worse. It all depended on where you were shopping. I got some pretty good deals today. I finished up Lindsay C.'s gift- probably the one I am most proud of. I felt like Martha Steward as I wrapped her present in two scarves I purchased from Smart Set... $8.00 flat for both and they look like they are worth about $20 each. And they suit Lindsay; I could see her wearing them.

Tonight, we took my cat in for his yearly shots. He was such a good cat. But we found out he is going to have to get some teeth pulled because they are absessed. Which sucks, but what can you do? Both I took my cat up to the vets, I did the last two weeks worth of laundry. By the time I got back from the vet, I was beat. I feel like I am jet lagged, which really isn't surprising, because with my job switching from days to night the way it does, really is tough on the body. I mean, right now I'm struggling to stay up until 11 pm, whereas at the beginning of last week I was struggling to go to bed at 8 pm. I think that is the root of my anti-social behaviour tonight... tired, with the potential of grouchy. So instead of forcing my social side out I am going to curl up with my book and go to sleep.

Why?

So I am checking my e-mail here at the Brooks library and find something unexpected. Last year at around Christmas I sent out a whole bunch of e-mails to numerous professors, the heads of labs ect. and got a few bites but not a lot and certainly no jobs. It is funny, because I haven't even applied for anything this year, nor am I planning on staying in Calgary and I get an e-mail from the Director of the Molecular Diagnostic Lab at the Alberta Children's Hospital asking me to apply to work in their lab for the summer. I vaguely recall e-mailing him last year, but I didn't receive much a of response. I'm amazed that they still have my e-mail address and e-mailed me. I think it would an awesome opportunity, but it would also mean I finish my degree a whole semester later. I mean this right up the alley of what I thought I wanted to do. It would be a chance for me to see what it would be like. I guess it couldn't hurt to apply.

Grrr... this makes my life a whole lot more difficult. I mean, I'm sick of making huge decisions. I thought I would be free of this for awhile. But I guess not.

Anyhow, I should go. I have a ton of stuff I want to get done today, for christmas you know.

Until next time...

Short

This is going to be short update because I : 1) Have to go to bed and 2) My cat wants me to go to bed.

So I have exactly 15 days 1 hour and 24 minutes left until I am done my job. And good riddance!

I found a lovely place to live with Anne and her roommates. I have a good feeling about this place...

Things are going well with my boy... ;)

I found mits on a string and I am getting them for Christmas (yes, I want and need mits on an idiot string).

I had SOOOOOO much fun last night at kareoke with my Sarahs and Ryan! It rocked and I'd love to go again sometime.

For the first time in a long time: I am happy and excited about life. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Man, does it feel good!

State: Glowing, with a pinch of dread for tomorrow
Song: Alive- Melissa O'Neil

The most thinking since...

I haven't thought this much about life and stuff in general for a long time. I'd love to expose what I have been thinking about, but some things are just too personal to share in an online journal.

I often wonder where I am headed in life... why am I here? What do I want to do with my life? Some of the answers to those questions are simple, others much more complex. I have a feeling I am going to be up late tonight thinking... and that certainly isn't a bad thing. I mean I have another day off tomorrow, so as long as I am alert enough to drive it is all good.

My mind is reeling... I simply can't write. I usually write to clear my mind... but I think I need to write to somebody in particular.

Working, Working and More Working

I've been working alot. Thankfully, I've been off since yesterday. I baked cookies today, read some book, and went to see my Dad.

Last weekend, I went to see Harry Potter with my mom in Medicine Hat. It was so cheap. I haven't paid $13.00 for two people to see a movie in a very long time. I enjoyed it, probably because I haven't read the fourth book in quite some time so I probably forget a lot.

I'm excited to go to Edmonton this weekend, although everyone is pretty busy so I'll probably be spending quite a bit of time alone. I kind of want to go shopping for new pants, but I don't really want to go without someone who knows the mall (which sounds dumb, but honestly it saves me a headache). I'll probably go anyways... or just go to southgate. My favourite store is there anyways.

I don't have much to say... I haven't been happy or sad lately. Just in this in between state. The state of the living dead. Stagnant. Never changing. Probably because that is what my job is like. And all I do is work so its no wonder. I have a feeling I'll come alive again this weekend. Just a feeling though. I'm not going to expect anything because I don't want to be let down. Taking the hair off my legs makes me feel like I am coming out of hibernation...

Maybe I am...

A Teary Tuesday

This past Tuesday brought the most tears I have cried since probably the death of my grandfather. And for no apparent reason... I woke up at 6:00 am that morning and started crying and didn't stop until about 7:00 am.

And then later, on my drive home to Brooks, I cried again for another half an hour. I started to think I was going crazy. I started to try and find reasons for my overwhelming sadness... and the conclusion I came to when I got home- it was all my blasted hormones. Sometimes I hate being a girl, with my monthly mood swings that send me into tears. It's weird how hormones can affect your mood so much. I mean I suddenly felt insecure about everything, all my thoughts were irrational and I was convinced that no one liked me. For no apparent reason.

But most of the time: I'm happy being a girl, I'm not insecure about most things, and I have mostly rational thoughts. And most of the time, I'm pretty sure all the important people in my life like me.

Anyhow... that is all for today.

Mood: Meh... have to work for the next three days
Countdown: 43 days, 10 hours and 52 minutes.

Reflecting on the Past

I was just packing what is left in my old room up today because my mom is moving and I got the urge to read my old journals. I found a letter I wrote to myself when I was 15 to be opened on my 18th birthday. I think I might share it with everyone- because even at the ripe "old" age of 22 I haven't acheived my dream. I don't know what made me think 18 would be a magic number, but it seems to be when you are younger. The comments in italics are me now, the rest I wrote when I was 15. Anyhow... without further ado...

How Life Will be When I'm 18

I have a dream and a reality image about what my life will be life when I am eighteen. I will start with my dream and end with my reality.

Dream
1) I will know what to do for the rest of my life
2) I will have a steady, without intercourse, relationship with a member of the opposite sex
3) I will be going to my dream school- an American Ivy league one- on full scholarship
4) I will be less screwed up than I was when I wrote this
5) I will have starred in at least one school play
6) I will have a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment
7) I will be happy with myself for who I am

Reality
1) I probably will still have no idea of what going to do with my life (still true to this day)
2) I don't really want a boyfriend, they tie you down (okay- being tied down isn't so bad)
3) I probably won't have taken the SAT's which are necessary for American schools and will not have enough money or scholarship money to go (nor do I want to go anymore)
4) I'll probably be just as screwed up as I am now (I think I have managed to become less screwed up thank goodness)
5) I don't think I will ever have a lead role because I prefer playing second string (that and I don't want to act anymore AT ALL!)
6) I can still hope for a sense of accomplishment and fulfilment (this I can say is coming)
7) I will hope to God that after changing schools to get away from those who bring me down, I will be happy with myself for who I am. (Changing schools didn't do this for me, I had to change my attitude and develop better self-esteem. I learned you can't run away from your problems- they have a tendency to follow you)

I don't think being eightteen will change much, except for the fact that I will now be allowed to legally drink alcohol (and vote and buy cigarettes) and that I will have finished my quest through public education.

The Dream is my eternal optimism coming through, and the reality is what I have observed from the world around me... so that is my view on how life will be three year from now.

Anyhow... I have to go, I just thought it was kind of interesting.

All good things must come to an end

It was fun while it lasted, but I'm heading home today to Brooks. The strike continues (although someone yesterday trying to tell me they had gone back to work), and the lastest news is the CFIA - the Canadian Food Inspection Agency is not crossing the picket line until they deem it safe to do so. (see news article here) Honestly, I don't blame them. The few times I crossed the picketline- not in the protection of the large van they brought us in last time- I was scared for my safety too. So we probably won't get any samples until they start working which means our 12 hour shift are going to go by really slow. Got to love essential services. The same thing would happen if we didn't cross the picket line. They could slaughter, but without our results from the slaughter samples, they can't process the meat and thus production would come to a halt. But the last time I went to work, there wasn't much of a picket line on our side which makes more sense.

I'm putting off driving home. I don't want to go. But I know I don't have that much longer so it isn't nearly as bad as it was before. Anyhow... life calls or at least life's little errands call. So until next time- Happy Trails!

State: Meh...

Good Things

For all the bad that has happened to me in the past little while, some good was eventually going to have to come. The good thing that has come from this strike is that I get a little holiday. YAY! Instead of only being off for the weekend, I'm off until Wednesday. I'm thrilled really. I was planning on going up to Edmonton anyways, but this means that I can stay longer than I might have before! And when I get back- I work two days and I have another weekend off. Honestly, I couldn't be luckier!!!

I think is over for the people that are striking. I mean the plant is running now, probably doing about half as much work as they did before the strike (one shift) and they are no longer bringing the scabs into our parking lot. They aren't even busing the workers over anymore. They are letting them drive right into the plant. This makes sense in a lot of ways. It means that instead of having to cross the picket line 3 times to get workers in, they only have to cross once to get in and once to get out. The buses where to protect the workers, but when you have to cross a picket line to get to the proctection of a bus it really defeats the purpose of a bus. The only problem with this is that it kind of slows traffic on the Trans-Canada highway. But I don't care about that really- there is a lane for the people who aren't going to Lakeside and one going to the plant. I feel a lot safer going to work. While they still stop us for 5 minutes going in and out, there are no taunt, name calling or intimidation because they know that we aren't part of the union and so cannot strike. It is much, much nicer. I think that we still get stopped because we are essential to the running of the plant so slowing us down, slows the plant down.

Anyhow... that's all I really have to say right now. I think I will go write me some e-mails telling people I'm invading Edmonton!

State: happy as a lark

The Strike

So maybe this is hitting fairly low on the news radar elsewhere, but here is it pretty big and serious. I just have a few opinions on the matter seeing as I am fairly directly involved even though I am not part of the union. They brought our people into it when they decided to put all the people wanting the cross the picket line on the property where the lab resides.

Because we are not union members we are required to go to work despite having no work to do. That will probably change soon as they have been able to get some people across the picket line into work on Tuesday and thus we will be returning to work tomorrow. What sucks is we have to cross the picket line too and suffer through all the name calling and abuse to go to work. I can tell that has not been fun at all. And honestly I don't think I should have to go through that to go to work. Tomorrow should be better because we are going in a van where they won't be able to see us. And when you get them to understand that you don't work for the packing plant, they seem to settle down; sometimes, it is hard to make them understand though.

I don't know why the union decided to strike without having a greater majority of people behind them. It almost defeats the purpose of a union. I mean a union is there to protect the workers against the company, but the only way they can do that is to provide a united front.

Anyhow... maybe I'll rant more later from the comfort of somewhere that is not Brooks. Until next time...

State: Opinionated

Why?

Why am I still so scared to open up to people, especially people I care about? I'm afraid of getting hurt and I guess not making yourself vulnerable, not sharing what you are feeling because you are scared about how someone will react saves you from getting hurt. It also saves you from having any sort of meaningful relationship with anyone. I know all this and yet I continue to keep things from the people I care about. I'm living a lie and I know it. This makes me sick inside. I want to change but I am scared. But what is worse- being honest and getting hurt or living a lie? I think I am going to have to choose honesty in the end.

Christmas and Other Travesties of Nature

Ever since I moved out of the trailer park, I have been looking to increase the amount of kitchen stuff I have. It sucks trying to cook in a poorly equipped kitchen, especially when one is used to having pretty much everything you need to make something. I'm almost there- right now I am missing big bowls but this is only because I am picky and want a certain type.

So, this weekend my mom and I decided to scope out the shops to see what deals we could find. I bought an awesome salad spinner (yes, I actually use a salad spinner- wet lettuce is a pet-peeve of mine), got a good deal on a toaster oven (which are much more practical than a simple toaster because you can do so much with them) and even bought some cookie sheets. All and all- a good lot of purchases. What sickened me more than anything while shopping for these items is that I felt like it was two months later than it actually is because most of the stores have their CHRISTMAS STUFF OUT!!! Is it just me or are the stores trying to shove Christmas down our throats earlier and earlier? I have nothing against doing Christmas shopping early- but can you hold off on putting of your christmas displays until Halloween is over? There isn't even snow on the ground yet. I know why they probably do it. It is a psychological thing. If people see Christmas stuff, they will think about Christmas and start thinking- "Oh I should start my shopping." And thus might start shopping sooner for gifts and might therefore might spend more money(the stores are hoping).

My mom and I had a good thankgiving. I made my first totally from scratch pie and it turned out really good. Pie turns out to be not so bad to make. I watched Hockey Night in Canada tonight. It was nice to see Hockey back on TV again. It was weird before to see movie night in Canada.

I wish I had someone to talk to tonight. It's kind of late to be phoning anyone, I would if I knew I wouldn't be waking anyone up. I get I'm just having one of those nights where it would be nice to hear someone's voice.

Ryan and I have been "together" for 6 months as of today. I think that would mean more to me if I had actually spent a lot of those 6 months with him. But as it is with long distance relationships, I haven't. It's hard, especially when I visit and I really don't want to leave.

Working at a job you know wouldn't make you happy for the rest of your life gives you lots of time to think about what you might like to do. I'm really not sure, but I have been thinking of maybe becoming a teacher of some sort either at the High School or College or even maybe the University level. I really don't know what kind of job I would be happy doing- but I am starting to consider those as an option because I love it when my friends come to me and ask me to explain stuff to them and I love the challenge of trying to get them to understand.

Anyhow... I thought I had something deep and meaningful to say this time, but I don't. I guess it's not meant to come out tonight. Hope everyone else has a most Happy Thanksgiving!

State: Lonely (a common state as of late)
Countdown: 84 days, 0 hours and 12 minutes remaining

No more guilt

I don't feel guilty anymore for leaving early. I was for awhile, even though I knew I shouldn't. Some people I will leave unnamed at work even tried to convince me to stay by guilting me with, " We spent all this money to train you, and you leave us so soon..." What I don't think they realize is I've invested a lot too. More than most people would for a job. I've risked and continue to risk my health. This is foremost in my mind right now after visiting my kidney doctor. My kidney's aren't working any better than they were three months ago. Not that I expected they would. I mean the doctors did told they were permanently damaged, but I guess in the back of my mind, I always hoped for some small miracle and that my kidneys would return to normal. But they haven't and I am seriously considering my doctor's recommendation of going on blood pressure medication. In fact, I am trying it for a week to see how my body reacts to it. Honestly, it scares me that to save my kidneys from dying young (and thus saying me from dying young) I might have to be on medication for the rest of my life.

All that said, how can I feel guilty for leaving a job that made me so sick in first place? I don't think I can. I think it was a really stupid decision, on my part, to go back in the first place, but I didn't think of it that way at the time. I guess what I've realized in the past little while is how short life is and how quickly it can be taken away from you. I think that is what kills me the most about being down in Brooks right now. I'm doing a job that requires very little thinking and other than the multitasking (which I am getting better at) offers me almost no mental challenge. It is sucking the life out of me. I don't feel like I am living right now, at least not when I am down there. What a difference I feel when I leave there even just to come spend time with my mom in Calgary. But leaving to come visit people in Calgary or Edmonton is bitter sweet because I know in a few short days I'll have to return to a place that makes me feel like I am dying inside. I've tried to make friends with at least my co-workers and they say they'll invite me to do stuff with them, but they never do. I feel like I am wasting part of my life, that all the time I am spending down there not living could be spent elsewhere- living.

I might sound melodramatic to some right now and I know some people will tell me, "Chin up, it will get better." Well, I will keep my chin up, but I doubt it will get better. I want to keep a positive attitude (or at least try to) so that time doesn't seem as wasted. I'll spend time on my hobbies, and hopefully that will make my days off pass more quickly. I'll try to keep my mind off the dead feeling I have inside and on to the good things in my life. Because time passes much more quickly when you don't wallow in your misery. I've spent too much time in my life doing that, so I'll just use my blog as a channel or vessel for my sadness and hope that perhaps I can carry on with just a glimmer of happiness.

State: Pensive

Nothing Heals Me Like You Do

I decided that my posts needed titles... mostly because I wanted to put a title on today.

Sigh... I don't want to go back. This weekend was just too good. When I pulled into Edmonton on Friday, I was instantly sad. Mostly because I knew I was going to have to leave in just a short few days. I wandered around the university- but this too just saddened me. I want to be back soooo bad. But things looked up from then on, although I didn't get to see everyone I wanted because people were busy with school stuff which is completely understandable.(Sorry I didn't call Jeanine- I really wanted to but kept leaving your number at home- I promise I'll call the next time I'm up and we'll do something- okay?)

I had some good talks with Ryan we spent some quality time together. It was really nice. It was one of those ordinary weekends, that are somehow so comforting. I don't know... I really don't have much to say about this weekend, other than it was great and I am sad that I am heading back to Brooks.

Anyhow... I think I might go shower and get ready so until next time- so long!

State: Sad to be going back
Song: London Rain- Heather Nova
Countdown: 97 days 12 hours and 57 minutes remaining

I haven't posted for awhile because my ex-roommate took off with the internet. I'm actually really jealous of her. I have to live with her fat, lazy boyfriend and she gets to be back at school and will see Ryan more than I will in the next three and half months. That's only because she is in his lab but still. I can't help but feel slightly bitter that she can pick up and leave, no notice, guilt free; while I slave away at work and carry some guilt about giving four months notice on leaving my internship.

Why do I do this to myself? Honestly, I haven't done anything wrong by wanting to leave early. I admit, 16 months experience would look better than 8, but honestly there is more to life than trying to get a good job. I don't feel like I am giving up a wonderful opportunity because I think I have already had one. People at work are trying to convince me to stay, but I don't think they understand why I am leaving. They try to convince me, if I try I will meet people and come to like it here. I don't doubt that they are right. I think I could meet people down here, and possibly even find it bearable. The thing is, nothing can replace the people I have met in Edmonton. Right now, I don't think this is the place for me to be.

I'm not even sure I should have taken the internship to begin with. I mean there were all sorts of signs to me that I shouldn't do it. My Uncle and step brother told me Brooks was a horrible place to live. And I got this funny feeling, that I shouldn't go right before I accepted the job. Something in my heart was telling me not to go. But my head told me I'd be silly to give up an opportunity like this, and so I took the job. Turns out I probably should have listened to my heart all along.

In other news, I found a new place to live. It is a Bachelor suite which means I will be living ALL BY MYSELF! Nothing could make me happier except maybe if it were January already and I was moving into a new place in Edmonton.

Also, I'll probably be in Edmonton on the 24, 25 and 26 of September. I can't wait!!

Anyhow... you probably won't hear from me for awhile again because of the lack of internet so, goodbye for now and hopefully I get around to posting sooner or later!

State: Lonely

Okay... so this will be a little bit of a rant. One petpeeve of mine is people who don't cash cheques right away. I wrote the 1st on the cheque so that I could see the money leave my account shortly thereafter. Not weeks later.

Not having internet again sucks. Especially because it isn't like my rent went down after internet service was discontinued... not that internet costed that much divided by three...

I'm looking for a place to live in for the next four months. I mean I want to be on my own, I'm sick of having roommmates. But I'm not sure I can afford it... especially in Brooks where everything is so expensive.

Ugh... I don't want to go back but I should at least shower and do something. That's how I can tell I hate this place so much. At least I'll be working, that makes time go faster.

Countdown:116 days, 11 hours and 28 minutes remaining
State: blah, sad to be going back

So I told my boss about leaving early (at the end of December) and she was fine with it. In fact she was more than fine with it, she understood completely and was happy I told her now. Now she has plenty of time to find a replacement and I get to leave guilty-free sans screwing anyone over. The plus side to that is that my supervisor is likely to give me a great reference which is what I need. Apparently, I had a wicked performance review. And I think I'll still be able to do Biology 400 which would get "Internship program" written on my diploma. I don't care so much about that one... in fact I wouldn't even care if I couldn't get that anymore.

Anyhow... the fact that I am leaving in 4 months makes work that much more bearable. I should go to bed though I have to get up somewhat early considering the time it is now.

State: Content

I'll be tired to tomorrow, but it was worth it to see old friends. There is something about my high school friends that I can't get anywhere else. You have been through so much with them and not matter how much everyone changes or doesn't you still feel super comfortable around them. We tried to watch the fireworks from Michael's house on Cresent Rd. But apparently they weren't shooting the fireworks off the building like they said they would.

I feel a lot better now that I have made some concrete decisions about next year and this internship. I'm staying for another 4 months only because that is the easiest time to leave and still be eligible for my honors degree. So look out U of A, I return in January! According to the IIP co-ordinator if I can find a supervisor, my 499 can be done over the summer which would be ideal because then I would only have fall term of the following year to finish my degree. Although I am not happy about having to stay another 4 months, I can honestly see the end now so it makes it that much more bearable. I have even decided what classes I am taking in the Winter term already, I'm just in the process of trying to get registered into two of them. It wasn't that hard to decide- without having a 499 to deal with I decided I would take 420 and only 2 other courses. That way I have tons of time to spend on it which is ideal considering it is a lot of work. I'm also trying to get back into the Genetics and Ethics courses I managed to get into before I got my internship. I decided I still want to take it... So my returning term is all genetics which is honestly my first love. Microbiology is okay... but genetics is where it is at!

I'm so excited to come back to school it isn't even funny. That's what makes me think that it was the right decision to make. I know it is the right decision. I have the warm fuzzy- I just made the best decision of my life feeling. I should go to bed though. I have to drive back to Brooks before my 12 hour shift which should be fun. I think I will start a countdown until my internship is over!

And the countdown begins: 120 days, 23 hours and 9 minutes remaining!

State: content with my decision

I haven't been updating my blog because honestly I don't think people want to read about how miserable I am. But that's the truth. I'm not going to sugar coat it. I thought I would like working in a lab and I do. But I don't like the type of lab work I am doing right now. I am pretty sure I could not work in that sort of diagnostic lab for the rest of my life. First of all, they don't want us to think so everything is automated and I honestly feel like I am getting stupider every day I work there. I mean I already forget how to do the simplest things because I am used to my stupid lab where all the thinking is done for you. I hate it... I mean the only thing I can take away from the whole experience is that I can multitask way better now than I was ever able to before. I'm agonizing over making this decision because I don't really have the money to go back to school, but that is what I would like to do. I also feel bad for leaving them without someone, especially because Wendy, the other student has already left.

I mean, I've been spending most of my pay cheque travelling back to Calgary because I am so homesick I can't stand to stay there and be by myself. I've never felt this homesick before. Not even when I moved to Edmonton and didn't know anyone. I knew eventually I'd meet people and all would be good. I don't see myself meeting anyone here. I'm thinking of taking the semester off to work anyways though and still taking the extra year to finish my degree. I would take an extra semester in January which would allow me to take all the courses that I don't have room to take.

I don't know... I will see how this all pans out. But I decided that it doesn't matter what kind of reference I would get at the end of this, not if I spend a year of my life being miserable.

Anyhow... before I spread this dark mood to everyone who reads, I will go.

State: Tired, racked with guilt about wanting to leave and wanting to leave real bad

It's hard to get back to blogging when you haven't done it in awhile. It's kind of like working out. Once you get into the habit of it, it gets easy and you want to do it all the time. It's starting again once you've stopped that is hard.

Not much has happened since I last posted. I worked 12 hours shifts for the first three weeks of august and on my one weekend off this month I drove myself up to Edmonton to visit with the folk up there. It was pretty fun, but it was tiring. Especially because it screws with my sleep schedule. I have been working 5-5 most of the month so I've had to get at 4, which also means I have to go to bed at 8 in order to get 8 hours of sleep. I feel like a kid again... mind you it is pretty easy to sleep at 8 when you've worked a 12 hour day.

I just got over being sick with something- a gastrointestinal sickness we will call it, so I was up in Calgary this weekend to check it out considering my history. They don't know what made me sick and when I say I was well enough to go to work, just not feeling tip top. I'm being tested right now and perhaps will find out what it was on either Wednesday or Thursday when I follow up with my family physician.

I'm reading a really good book right now called "The Time Traveller's Wife". Very cute- I'd highly recommend it, although it is probably geared more toward a female audience. I'm still trying to finish "A Short History of Nearly Everything" and I am stuck on the Taxonomy part. Although Bill Bryson can make almost anything sound interesting, the section on Taxomnomy has failed to capure my interest probably because I'm all taxonomied out from my first biology course on it.

Anyhow... I think I will crawl back into the hiding place that is my Trailer...

State: Alone and Isolated, a side effect of living in the middle of nowhere
Song: All the things I have done- The Killers, Behind these Hazel Eyes- Kelly Clarkson

Wow... I overreacted just a little. But I talked it through with him, so hopefully things get better. It is hard to stay mad or upset at him because he is always so happy to hear from me on the phone. So I forget all of my worries of him not liking me any more when I talk to him on the phone. I'm coming to Calgary anyways, because I have some books to return so if anyone wants to do anything, I'm in town.

State: Much better

I never thought this long distance thing would be so hard. Maybe I'm just not cut out for it. I'm starting to think that I might have to break it off if it doesn't get any better because I can't live like this. Sometimes I think it would be easier to go back to being lonely, than to be with someone and never actually be with them. Maybe the reason why this upsets me so much is because I like him so much. Sometimes I don't know why, but I guess I can't help the way I feel.

I need to tell him how I feel, because it isn't going to get any better if he doesn't know. I think it would help if I heard from him more- but honestly if he can't do that I think I'd going to have to end it. Is it wrong to want to hear from him every other day? I don't think it is because we hardly see each other as it is. Maybe he just doesn't like me as much as I like him, but if that is the case,I wouldn't want to stay with him. I've been there and done that and it never turns out nice.

Maybe I'm so sad because I feel like its over already, before I've even tried to work things out with him. As far as I know, he doesn't know there is a problem. he wouldn't, because I haven't talked to him in a week. Anyhow, I should go get ready for work. I may or may not go to Calgary this weekend. I haven't decided yet.

State: Emotional Wreck.
Song: You wouldn't like me- Tegan and Sara

I had a good weekend, but it left me thinking about some not so good things. Things that make me sad.

What would happen if one liked some one a lot, but didn't like a particular attitude that this person possessed. The attitude isn't present most of the time, but only around others that possess the same attitude.

It makes me sad, because it is something I am very against and I have never been in the position where I like someone who possesses this attitude. I thought it would be a total turn-off, but for some reason it isn't. Maybe I don't want to believe that they would think the things they think... maybe I am blinded by the fact that I like them so much.

Part of me thinks I should end it, before it gets harder to do so. Another part of me, wants to wait it out. I already feel like it would tear my heart apart if I broke up with him. But if this is a large part of who he is, I don't know if I can be with him. It is pretty much the only thing we don't have in common. Ugh... It kills me really. I don't think it is something that can be changed, although I would love to. I also don't believe in trying to change a person. If they change out of their own free will, fine... but trying to change someone- it seems wrong to me.

Anyhow... I guess I'll just have to think about this. And I think I need to tell him that it bothers me, and if that is the end, then so be it. I don't want this to be the end... but if it has to be, it will be.

State: Conflicted

Wow... I haven't posted in awhile. I guess I haven't felt like it. Mostly my life involves working, eating and sleeping... and relaxing on my days off. I was supposed to go to Edmonton this weekend to see Ryan, but his shifts got changed and he ended up working for most of the weekend so I decided against it. I'm seeing him next weekend so that is good, because it has been entirely too long. Especially because for awhile there our work schedules made it so we couldn't talk to each other on the phone.

I got my copy of the new Harry Potter yesterday and have not been able to put it down. It is soooo good. It is like a drug I just can't get enough of. That is the only good thing that has come out of me not being able to see Ryan. I have gotten to read Harry.

My dad bought me a car. It is pretty nice. It's a 1991 Toyota Tercel, white with blue interior and the most awesome sounds system. I mean I didn't expect to get a car with anything more than a tape deck so this was a great surprise. Hopefully it passes the inspection tomorrow.

Anyhow... I should be off to bed. These crazy work hours (5 am to 3 pm) make me tired early.

State: Missing Ryan/Loving Harry

Wow... it has been awhile since my last post. I guess I just haven't felt like posting lately.

I've gone back to work for all of you who didn't know. Some people don't think I should ever go back, but I figured I'd give it a try before making any decisions. That trial week was last week, and it went well so I think I will be sticking with it. I like my roommates and my co-workers and I think I would forever regret giving up the opportunity to get this kind of experience. And I didn't feel nearly as paranoid (about getting sick)when I was working as I did before I started working.

I didn't do much this weekend except spend lots of money on scrapbooking stuff. Yes, I have taken up scrapbooking. It is my hobby for the next little while because honestly, in a town the size of Brooks you need a hooby to keep you sane. Most people take up drinking, I decided scrapbooking would probably be better for my health. Ryan thinks I should find a better hobby, but honestly I don't care what he thinks, he won't be around when I am making my pictures pretty so it doesn't matter :)I'm starting with the band trip to Mexico... because I figured I should start relatively small before I jump into doing my Europe pictures.

I have tomorrow off as well and then I go back to work. I haven't decided what I am going to do today yet... but I'm sure I'll find something. Oh yeah- I'm thinking of taking an anthro course during my year off- so I have one less course to worry about taking. I think the one I found was called Archeology of the Ancient World. It sounded pretty interesting. Anyhow... I should go get my day started. Until next time...

Song: Like a prayer- Madonna
State: good good

I had a most wonderful weekend, it was hard to leave Edmonton. I've kind of turned into a hermit here in Calgary. I mean, I don't phone anyone, no one phones me(and honestly, I really don't expect them to). So essentially my social life consists of going out with my mom. Which I am fine with mostly... but I think I want to see my friends before I head back to work so I think I will have to pick up the phone and call them, and end my hermitdom.

I want to head back to work as soon as I can... I'm getting pretty bored here. I think I might go to the Library tomorrow and see if I can pick up some books to read. I bought a Discover magazine today... it is pretty interesting. It's funny, I think I must have picked the right field to go into because I can never get enough of reading about the new scientific discoveries. I study science all school year and yet I cannot stop myself from picking up science related material during the summer.

Right now I'm just looking at the food network website, looking for something fun to cook for supper tomorrow. But I really should go to bed soon...so I think I will.

State: Bored...by my own fault

So I'm back in E-town and it seems a bit surreal. I mean I feel like it was just yesterday that I was here finishing up classes... and at the same time it feels like forever. A bit hard to explain really. Part of me has become fond of the city, more than I could have imagined because at first glance I didn't really like Edmonton. I think I started to like it when I started thinking about all the good memories I have made here. I mean I still stand by Edmonton not being much on its own. Its not one of those cities you fall in love with at first sight, not like say Paris or Montreal. It's one of those cities that takes a little getting to know before you truly appreciate its nuances. I'll admit, I haven't gotten to know much of Edmonton- really only the university area and I'm starting to see more of the downtown area.

For some reason, I love the university and all of its ugly and beautiful bits. My favourite building has to be one of the ugliest on campus, but it is dear to my heart because it is where I do what I love most on campus. And what would that be? Work in the lab of course!

I love the Powerplant, because I have never had a bad time there. And I love RATT because it allows me to fake a requirement I have for any city I live in. And what requirement is that? To be able to go to a point in the city and look a large portion of it from above. Usually this requirement is fulfilled by a hill like it is numerous times over in Calgary, but Edmonton lacks hills so RATT will do I guess.

I love Pharos Pizza... and countless other Edmonton only restaurants that I have been craving food from since getting better ( or since I started to eat real food). I actually had fantasies in the hospital about Pharos Pizza. Full out, very vivid I thought I was eating pizza until I opened my eyes- fantasies. That was right before they upped my diet to full fluids (aka- pureed food)... at least full fluids was somewhat filling.

Last but not least I have met some of the most amazing people here in Edmonton, people I will not soon forget. They are the main reason I am kind of sad to be doing an internship for a year. I really will miss them.

Anyhow... I think I've killed enough time doing this, so I'll write an update when I get home from the capital.

State: Little tired from the travelling, but not bad.

I'm off to Edmonton for the weekend. I'm so excited! I went to the doctor today and I am doing better according to my blood work. This is good :) But according to the doctor I am still not well enough to go to work. I feel a lot better, but I still get tired really easy. But I'm not taking an afternoon nap anymore so that is good!

Anyhow... I have to go eat lunch so I can catch my bus downtown and Red Arrow myself to Edmonton.

State: good

P.S- Jeanine I promise that my next post I will discuss my musical tastes... no time right now :)

This weekend was the best weekend I have had in quite some time. Ryan came down from Edmonton which was really nice. We met at the Zoo on Saturday and we walked around for about 3 hours before we both got tired and decided we wanted to head somewhere for food. We ended up at the Rose and Crown on 17th ave. where we had some exellent pub food. By this time, I was pretty tired because I hadn't taken my afternoon nap, so we headed back to my place and took a nap for a bit (okay 3 hours). Then we played some scabble, watched a little TV and since I was falling asleep went to bed around 11.

Sunday, was spent a little more leisurely sleeping in and then just going to the mall to wander around. I found a cute top that was on for 50% off so I couldn't resist. I also bought Settler's of Catan because I really like playing that game and Craig left his in Newfoundland and so I decided we needed one to play while I recuperate. Ryan left to return home around 5 pm, but it won't be as long before I see him again as I am going up to Edmonton next weekend.

Anyhow...I think I am going to get dressed and maybe go for a walk in the rain.

State: Pretty good

I woke up this morning, and for the first time in a long time I felt well rested and not tired. If only this feeling would last all day.

Update on the state of my health: I'm starting to feel better. I mean I'm still tired a lot of the time- usually toward the end of the day where I have to fight to stay up to my self enforced 9 pm bedtime. I sleep usually about 10-11 hours a night. I usually have a 2 hour nap sometime during the day. So obviously, seeing how much I sleep I am not completely healthy yet. But being anemic and have mono at the same time will make you tired. I have a feeling I would already be feeling much better if it weren't for the mono.

Yesterday, I went to Brooks to pick up some clothes seeing as I am going to be here for awhile. That's right for all of you who are worried about seeing me before I head back to Brooks- don't worry. I won't be going back to work anytime soon. Not until I have enough energy to be on my feet for at least 8 hours. I got my birthday present from Lindsay and that was nice. I know certain people who are really going to like Lindsay, even though they haven't met her yet.

In other news, if I continue to improve, I think I am going to make a trip up to Edmonton to see Ryan next weekend. But that is only if I feel pretty good. I mean I don't want to get myself sicker with travel. I'm excited and I think it is good to have a goal for getting better.

Tomorrow, I get to go for my first blood tests since having them everyday when I was in the hospital. How exciting! I actually am excited for Thursday, when I find out if this feeling better is because my hemoglobin levels have gone up. I hope they have.

Sorry, if all I talk about is getting better. Honestly, my life is pretty boring. I sit at home watching movies and walking around "to get my strenght back". I eat, sleep and have no social life. That is really what is killing me. I'm a social being, and I have been deprived of socialization. That hopefully will stop soon. I guess I'll have to change my bedtime if I want more of a social life. OR con people into seeing me in the morning, when I have lots of energy. Either or.

Anyhow...that's all for now.

State: Getting better

I'm sick of being sick. Sure I'm home from the hospital but only because I am not sick enough for them to keep me there anymore. I mean I still don't feel like myself again. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again.

I don't know how people deal with having cancer. I feel so weak(in mind/soul) compared to them. I'm sitting here, crying, thinking poor me and there are people that are suffering far worse than I in the world. Yet, thinking about them, still doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel like a horrible person for still feeling the way that I do. I feel so isolated. I haven't seen any of my friends since I have been back because of being too sick. Honestly, I'd give anything to be well enough to see one of my friends right now. It was so great to talk to Craig on the phone last night. Finally, I felt like I was connecting with someone outside my immediate family. On the note of family- they have been great through this whole ordeal. I saw my aunt that I rarely see, my sister and nephew, my Dad and Carol. Really it is amazing how you don't see family until something bad happens.

One thing, although I am feeling lonely, bored, restless, being sick has given me a greater appreciation for life.

I'm going to Brooks tomorrow to pick up some more clothing. Not that it will fit me properly. I'm 12 pounds lighter than I was when I went into the hospital. The funny things is, everything still fits me around the waist. It is just too big elsewhere. Actually, in all honesty, my clothing (except for my jeans) fits me better than it did before I got sick. My jeans are really baggy and they aren't supposed to fit like that.

Anyhow, I think that it enough complaining/ranting for today. I'll probably post again tomorrow. Or maybe not. We'll see. My snack calls so bye for now.

So I'm still alive. But I just spent from about the last time I posted until yesterday in the hospital in Calgary. I ended up with the complications that can arise with the E. coli infection. Hemolytic Uremic Syndrome to be exact. That is why I was so bloated. But now I am not. I weigh 10 pounds less than what I did before I got this which makes a lot more sense. Seeing as you know, I didn't eat for a week and a bit.

In the hospital, while I did get better, those doctors and their drugs managed to give me the symptoms of Parkinson's Disease. They are going away now that I am off the drug, but I still can't type very fast.

To top it all off, I ended up with mono. That is what I am fighting right now. Why am I up so early? Because I go to bed at like 8:30 pm because I am so tired all the time. Luckily, the mono hasn't given me much of a sore throat (knock on wood)so I am still able to eat.

Thanks to those of you who commented while I was in the hospital. I checked my e-mail when I could, but I never really had anything and that was kind of sad. I would have sent out some sort of mass e-mail, saying hey I'm sick- leave me messages because the hospital is lonely, but I was too tired. And I am am finally getting tired again, so I will leave this post at this and hope to hear from you all at some point. I'm still in Calgary, so just give me a call at my mom's. I might not feel like talking much, but it is the thought that counts.

State: Tired

So I'm alive. Not that anyone was concerned that I was dead, I mean people usually don't assume the worst when someone hasn't posted on here for awhile. Well, I'm not dead- but I could have been. Some of you who don't know are probably asking yourself-what? Could have been dead? Hold your horses and let me explain.

My first week of work went fine. They didn't let us do anything really because they wanted us to get used to the lab environment before they start letting us work with samples all the time. I came home for Mother's day and on Saturday I started to feel sick. I thought it might have been from the Denny's I had that morning, but really there wouldn't have been enough time for any of the food to make me that sick. The next day I started to feel a little better, but not for long. By 9 pm that evening, I felt more horrible than I had before. I took some advil and when to sleep. I woke up about 3 hours later with violent cramping and diarrhea. I wasn't going to go to work, but my roommate (and co-worker)was going and she said she felt sick too. So I drove us to work for our 5 am start time. We both lasted an hour before we had to go home. I drove us to IGA, we bought sick food (gatorade and chicken soup) and I went home and lay down on my bed only getting up to go to the bathroom. The cramping was becoming unbearable. Then, around 10 am I noticed I was bleeding from somewhere one should never bleed. That is when I told my roommate, that I wanted her to drive me to the hospital, because at this point the cramping was so bad I could barely speak.

We got to emergency, and I could barely tell the nurse what was wrong. She told me, "I don't read hands." and finally she directed me to admitting. I got my papers and was sent back to the mean emergency nurse and was able to tell her what was wrong. I was fairly certain at this point that I knew what I had. But they have to test all posibilities. I waited a relatively short time (3 hours- which if you have ever been to emerg, is pretty short) before I saw a doctor. They promply hooked me up to an IV, asked me to give a stool sample and whisked me off to the private room where I would spend the next five days in isolation. Isolation meaning that I wasn't allowed to leave my room.I couldn't even phone my parents long distance to tell them I was in hospital. But my boss fixed that and gave me the company phone for the week. This wasn't so bad at the begining, where I didn't feel like leaving my bed at all. But when I started to feel a little better I felt trapped.

So what did they find I had? E. coli 0157. One of the bacteria that we test for in the lab I work in. I was pretty sure based on my symptoms that this is what I had. What is more is that a day later, my roommate was hospitalized for the same thing. We think that we got it at work- even though we never touched incubated samples. We think that we might have picked it up sorting the samples that we sign in when they come from the plant. It only takes 1-5 cells to cause the infection. If you want to learn more about E. coli 0157 go here. It has a lot of good info.

Now I am in Calgary, recovering. I don't know when I will go back to work. When I can eat a decent amount of solid food and don't feel so weak I guess. I'm very bloated right now. I think it might be from being on IV for 5 days staight. I gained 15 pounds in water. Well it has to be water, because I was on the liquid diet and I could barely keep that down half the time.

I'm sad I got sick, mostly because I was supposed to go up to see Ryan in Innisfail this weekend for his birthday. I miss him a lot, but really I wouldn't be much fun this weekend. If I am feeling better, I might go up next weekend.

Anyhow, we have internet at my place now, so pretty soon I will be able to post a little more regularly.

I get tired really easily, so I think I am going to get off the computer. So hopefully, the next time I post I am in much better health. Perhaps I will post when I can eat pizza again.

State: I don't feel like death anymore

This is just a quick note to say- I'm in Brooks now. I'm working. I'm coming to Calgary tomorrow night. I get internet on the 10th. Perhaps a bigger update when I get to Calgary... Oh things are going good just- I just have crappy dial up internet so I won't be posting for awhile.

I managed to pull off the mark I needed in physiology (B+) to get my 3.5 and get on the dean's list so that made me happy. I'm must have really pleased the physiology gods with my 13 hour homage/sacrifice to them. I studied from 11am to 1 am the night before that exam. I made up for never once opening my book during the course of the semester. Take that year long horrible, awful useless course that I don't remember anything from!

State: tired, but good

Since I've already manically checked for a mark that probably won't get posted, I figured I would make a post. That and I am sick of studying the GIT.

I'm excited for this internship. I'm kind of scared too. I mean what if I'm horrible? I always seem to have this huge fear of failing. It is almost a phobia because most of the time it is completely ridiculus. I mean I don't mean to say- hmmm I think I did bad and then proceed to do really well. I guess that is a lack of confidence in my abilities. I really shouldn't doubt myself so much. I mean, I have proven to myself time and time again that I am capable of doing things and yet I never have a very good idea of whether I've done well or not. woah... that was rambly.

Last night was good. I was sick of studying physiology (then again, when am I not?)so Ryan came over and we went for a walk to steeps and got some tea. It was nice to just sit and chat over a cup of tea. I had strawberry and cream Rooibos and he had vanilla bourbon black tea. I'm going to miss him when I am gone to Brooks. We decided to try the long distance thing out though. We both work shift work so we will both be getting longish strings of days off in a row. Which means I probably won't spend many of my days off in Brooks, but I never planned to anyways. This is the first time in my life I have met a guy I immediately felt so comfortable with. And it is really nice. It was like when I met Lindsay, except with physical attraction as well.

I can't wait until Thursday, when I will be done once and for all the horribleness that is PHYSIOLOGY! And then I will pack all day and go out to a BBQ in Hawrelak park and then to Jay's multiday party. The next day all my stuff will be moved out into the moving truck and the day after that I will on the road headed down to Brooks.

I'll be living in a trailer, so you can make fun of me and call me trailer trash if you want for a whole year!!! But hey- my room has its own bathroom so that isn't half bad. Apparently the paint is ugly, but they said that they would fix that. Or I can on my first set of days off. I think I shall go watch the amazing race while I try and learn about the liver.

State: wanting to gouge my eyes out with dissecting forceps because physiology is so boring.
Song: London Rain- Heather Nova

It is going to take a lot of will power for me to study hard for this physiology exam I have a week from yesterday. I hate physiology. It's all just crappy memorization. That's why I like genetics. it started out by being problem solving, which I love. Then in second year (270 and 275) turned out to be a little more memorization based. Third year we still have to memorize, but it is almost back to that problem solving based questions again. And that is what I like. I'm good at it, it is something that is intuitive for me now. I guess you could say I think like a geneticist. And you'll see that trend in my marks too. I just got the first two A's I've had since I got a 9 in first year in biology 107. And that makes me happier than you can imagine. Who really cares that my other marks are a lot lower. I broke my B+ rut. Not that it was really a rut, because B+'s are really good.

In other news, I found a place to live in Brooks. I'll be living with the other student that is going down there. The rent is kind of high, but rent is ridiculus in Brooks and it is about what I would be paying on my own, except that on my own I would be resposible for paying bills and stuff and she is just going to include everything. whoa- that was a really poorly written sentence. Meh... I guess that is why I got a B in witchcraft. I think I'm probably going to be able to move my stuff with hers. Which is awesome because we were having trouble trying to find a vehicle that isn't too big to move all my stuff.

Anyhow... I think I will crack down on this thing called physiology. I need to get a good mark in that class because it counts for two. Stupid physiology is going to be the death of me. Die physiology! Die!

State: Don't want to study, but will force myself to

Why have I not started to panic like I usually do? I haven't even started studying for population genetics and I'm only gone through almost everything in 302 once. I want to panic. I need to panic. Panic dammit. Panic works. To an extent. I need to panic enough to do something I hate, which is study.

Okay... I think it is starting to work :) Yay!

State: Pre-panic, Ideal for studying

Because it has been awhile, I've updated the quote on my blog. I guess that one sums up more how I feel right now even though I did decide to stick with the Garden State theme.

Anyhow, I have to get back to studying boundary elements, which have become the new bane of my existance.

State: Can't wait for tonight

And the study hermitage begins! As much as I don't want it to. For those of you who know what I am like around exams (Daley) you'll note the hermitage has started later this year. And although I really want to go out tonight, I think I will just have a quiet evening at home after my Safewalk shift.Some alone time you might say. I haven't been getting much alone time lately and I think it will be nice. As much as that will disappoint certain people, I need to get to bed early tonight and um focus.

Obviously, I won't be able to turn myself into a complete study hermit like I normally do, I've already planned out in my mind how that will work. I don't do a whole lot of studying past nine most nights, so this time will be available to spend with people (Namely, Ryan). As long as I am in bed (sleeping) by 12 pm. Now I may sound like my own study nazi... but it is for my own good in the long run. And on that note, off to my books. It is so nice only having to concentrate on two classes for the time being. (That is about my max that I can concentrate on at once)But like I said, I have 5 topic in one class to get through and a third of the course for the other class to get through.

State: Kind of excited about studying (I know I won't feel like this later)
Song: Random Classical

I have to say that this has been some week. I had the best birthday I have had in a really long time because birthday's can often be kind of disappointing (like New Year's) because you have such high expectations for it, but this exceeded any expectations I could have ever had.

Things are going well with me and Ryan (yes that would be the person I have been refering to cryptically for the last little while). Now I just have to figure out how I am going to get work done. I think that we are going to stay away from each other for a couple of days. There isn't much I can say beyond that.

Anyhow happy BSD for those in Calgary and happy last day of school for those in Edmonton.

State: Still Happy
Song: Best I've Ever Had- Vertical Horizon

Last night, I decided to blow off studying (I know, how uncharacteristic of me) and go watch a movie with my boy. When he asked me, I hesitated for about a split second before thinking- I'm so distracted right now anyways, that all I will think about if I don't go is how much I'd rather be at his place watching a movie. It was really nice. The movie was quite good too. We watched Hero and I have to say it is quite good. The cinematography is amazing and the story line is pretty good too. (And yes, we actually watched the movie...) Then we just watched some random TV. I discovered he likes watching the same sort of random TV as I do. Some matchmaker, some Sex, Toys and Chocolate, some food network... and by that time it was time to go home because otherwise I would miss the LRT home.

This is really my first experience dating someone and it is so much better than anything that went on in high school. Maybe it is because we both know who we are. I mean in High School, many of us don't know who we are or where we are going in life. Now, I just don't know where I am going in life. I'm also more confident than I was in High School and a lot happier. I heard somewhere that you have to be happy with yourself and by yourself before you'll ever be happy with someone. You can't come to someone half full (or empty, depending on how you look at it)with happiness and expect them to fill you up to the brim. (No I don't mean that in a dirty way, but I just realized it might sound dirty.) Anyhow, today I am going to study all day, and actually I feel much much less distracted. It appears going out helped with that. I guess sometimes you have to succum to the distraction before you will cease to be distracted.

State: Happy

Mmmmm that's really all I can say. There is nothing like what I am feeling right now in the world. It's honestly been too long, and I hope I don't lose my head this time. I don't think I will, because I am in a much better place.

Anyhow, I'm dead tired. I was almost falling asleep when we were out so I think I will just leave this at that.

State: On Cloud 9
Song: No Begining No end- Hawksley Workman

This will be another short post and although some of you may not get it, it describes how I am feeling to a tee. I feel like a virgin fruit fly that has been cooped up in a vile all by myself, for too long.

That's all for now..

Until after tonight, when I may have some more exciting news, good day and goodnight.

I'm so excited about today! But I was just looking through my music collection and I don't seem to have many happy songs. I need to fix that. Anyhow, off to class.

State: Excited
Song: You're the Storm- The Cardigans

Last night was amazing, but boy am I paying for it today. We went out as a lab and proceeded to get really really drunk. I honestly don't think I have ever been that gone before. I couldn't feel my lips or my hands. And I loved everyone.

It also took care of the whole being shy around the person you like thing. lol... yeah but since this isn't some random person this time, I won't say what happened.

So today, I amazingly made it to school and to all of my classes :)

Well hopefully I make it to the rest of my classes.

I will. It is the last class before the final!

State: Dead tired (or maybe this is what characterizes a hangover.I don't get them very often, but I think this one might be one.)

So it is over. I've repressed the memory of it. I hope I got good results.

People think the person I like, likes me back. Apparently he never took his eyes off of me. Anyone who is a guy- does that mean anything? If only I was staying, something would happen. Maybe he is too good a person to start something with me now, knowing it will be even harder later. Maybe I want that... I haven't liked anyone this much in a long time and maybe I am just ready to get my heart broken again. Not that anyone's really ready for that... I'm ready for the good stuff that comes before that.

Does anyone believe that we are just meant to meet certain people? People, that for some reason or another you have an instant connection. Take my friend (and roommate from last year) Lindsay, we hit it off from the moment we met each other. It was like I could tell her anything and she would understand. Most of the time, it takes me awhile to get to that point with a person, but with her it has been instant. It is the same way with this guy. Normally, I hesitate before giving out my MSN/phone number. I didn't with him. Normally, I have trouble opening up to guys I barely know. Not him... ugh! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

State: Torn
Song: What Would Happen- Meredith Brooks

I don't feel like I have a final tomorrow. That is generally not a good sign, but I think all will be fine tomorrow. I don't know why I am not worried... I'm just not. I think I might practice setting up some digests tonight. But other than just reading over all of the stuff there really isn't much to study. It is kind of like reading comprehension. Pretty hard to study for.


On to something a little more cryptic...Why does this have to happen now? I just had the most enjoyable afternoon I've had studying (or not studying, just talking to someone) in a while. Stupid timing... I hate it. I haven't been this compatible with someone in a long time or maybe ever. Is it silly that it makes me want to cry? I'm pretty sure nothing will happen. The sensible side of me says its for the best, you are leaving. I am sure something would have happened had I stayed here... but because I am leaving... questionable.

So I just got back from more procrastinating- Princess and I went out for Suishi. Well she had suishi and I had green tea ice cream. It was good :)

Okay back to work :)

I should be studying so I am going to make this quick. Well as quick as I can considering, there is just too much spinning around in my mind right now for me to concentrate on why we wash membranes with the solutions that we do.

Firstly, although I am excited that I managed to land an internship, there is that part of me that wants to stay here next year and just finish my degree. But as far as future career stuff, it is best that I go. It just kills me that the person she hired to also be a student there is such a prick. Not to mention he talks to me like I am an idiot. I don't think he likes me much either. But I understand why he got the position- he has the background with all of the courses he has taken. He of the "I'm not going to help you because university is competitive, and I don't want to give anyone an upper edge" variety. It is funny that he thinks that, because in every course that I have helped someone, they tend to help me back and I tend to do better than I would have if had just tried to learn it alone. He doesn't seem to understand that in the real world, no one ever really works alone. I've never had a job that was completely solitary. I mean, everyone may have their individual part, but usually it all comes together in the end to form a big part. Most jobs involve some sort of teamwork. Hopefully, he drops this whole competition attitude at work, because if he doesn't I might want to stab him with some dissecting forceps by the end of the year. I think we will be on different shifts after the first three months.

Secondly, my timing sucks. We will just leave it at that. Most of you who read this know what I am talking about.

Thirdly, I'm tired because of daylight saving time. I looked up why we do it though- it has something to do with saving energy. Which is cool, but it doesn't make me any less tired today. Here is a good website I found that is all about daylight saving time.

Fourthly, I noticed I start liking Edmonton again when it starts getting sunny again here. Maybe it's like seasonal affective depression disorder(SADD), except that it is Seasonal Dislike Edmonton Disorder (SDED for short). Because right now, I really like Edmonton.

Fifthly, I need to go to MEC for a new watch band.

Sixthly, I really don't have much else to say, but that I am just writing now to not go study.

Okay, okay... I'll go. Hope everyone has a nice day :)

State: Feeling very much like a good procrastinate...
Song: Rhapsody in Blue

I feeling much better about things as of late. Actually things are looking up. I have an industrial internship lined up for the coming year which is awesome. Awesome because I don't have to make any choices about what courses to take next year.

I still plan on writing a whole big long thesis on my beliefs on spirituality and the like. It might only be after the 29 though. That's right... maybe only once I have had some time to myself in Brooks to actually write it all down. I don't know why I feel the need to write it down, but I do. It is very individual though and I am not wanting to convert anyone to my way of thinking. Actually, that is the last thing I am looking to do. If you happen to agree with what I am saying, great. But this writing on my beliefs will be more just so I can write them down and so other people can understand where I stand. Not that I think that matters much either.

Anyhow... my roommates are bitches and that's all there is to it. How was I supposed to know in September that I would get an internship? There was no way of knowing if I would be here or not next year. Internships aren't easy to get in biosci. I think only 15 people get them a year. It is kind of like winning the lottery, only with better chances. Anyhow, it wasn't my intent to screw them overby only signing my lease until May. But honestly- who signs a lease until September unless they know for sure that they will be staying there the whole summer. I mean, landlords will renew leases if you decided you did want to sublet it for summer and continue to live there throughout the year. So legally I am not bound to pay rent for the summer. I will however be nice and try and rent the room for the summer.

So if anyone that reads this is looking for a place to live in Edmonton for the summer, my room is up for grabs. It is a rather large room, unfurnished. 400$ a month plus phone and cable. They might even let you stay for the school year. They won't be there for the summer so I'm sure the living situation won't be too bad.


Sleep calls.

State: Decent

I had a guilt attack tonight. I'm not sure why. It could be because I am getting nothing in the means of work done. I mean I have a lab exam a week from yesterday (Monday) and I haven't started studying. And there are so many other things I need to do as well.

I hate guilt. Especially when it is undeserved. My family is all about guilt. It's how they want us to live. I guess that's what makes us such good Catholics even though we never go to church.

Fucking guilt. I managed to fight my guilt monster tonight. It wasn't easy, and I don't think the battle is over yet. Anyhow... I don't want to scare anyone. I will ask for help when I need it. I always have. I may not be my happy cheery self for the next little while, but don't be concerned. I need this right now. I need to deal with what I have going on inside right now.

So if you ask me how I am, I'll probably say fine, because any other answer will require a long drawn out explanation. Don't feel bad if I don't explain to you what I am really feeling. In high school, I probably would have willingly shared this information with anyone who'd listen.

I just want everyone to know, I will be fine. I've dealt with worse and I have felt much worse than this in my life. I'm nowhere near rock bottom lows I've hit before. I'm just not nearly as happy as I might have been before. So that that is my story... and now I am going to sleep.

State: Not peachy-keen
Song: Autumn's Here- Hawksley Workman, The Most Depressing Song- The Get Up Kids, Numb- Linkin Park

I feel very overwhelmed right now. I haven't felt this way in quite sometime. I feel like I need to reorganizing. I don't know what I want to do next year. Whether I want to take this job or not. Right now, I feel like I shouldn't. Like it would be a bad idea to uproot myself from Edmonton. The experience, no doubt would be wonderful. But do I want to go and live in Brooks for a year to do it. I have no idea. I'm definitely related to the rest of my family. All of us have problems making decisions.

I have so many decisions to make right now and so much work to do and really all I want to do is crawl into a hole for awhile and I don't know when I would want to come out.

The bottom line is, I don't think I've felt quite like this in a long. And instead of waiting for things to get better, I am going to be proactive and do something about it right away. Because I shouldn't feel like this. And I can't make this many decisions in my state. It just won't happen.

Let the reorganization of my life begin.

State: Like a black hole is swallowing me from the inside out

Wow... it seems like forever ago since last Saturday. It feels like just yesterday that I quickly packed what I could and hopped on the bus down to Calgary so we could drive down to Swift Current the net day. I can't believe a whole week went by already. It was an intense week and even that might be an understatement. Very emotional, but I really didn't expect it to be anything else.

This past week made me really appreciate my family. As dysfunctional as we are, we still all managed to come together this week and support each other through a rough time.I saw family members that I haven't seen since I was 13. It was really nice to catch up with them. I don't get to see my cousins very often anymore now that we are older. I really hope we do stay in touch, but I'm not going to get my hopes up. I mean, I have enough trouble staying in touch with my sisters- let alone my cousins.

The funeral was good and I think spending time with family was healing. I didn't have to try and think of something good to say or do. Simply being there, and supporting my other family members was enough. My grandpa lived a good long life to the age of 91 and I am happy that he is now with my grandma.

My other cousins went out to Kareoke and drank the night after the funeral. I guess that is our family's version of a wake. My cousin Kris and I decided not to go and chose to sit in my hotel room and catch up with each other as well which was really nice. We drank "apple juice" in the continental breakfast room and stayed up until 3:30 am with the kareoke bunch. I guess it probably sounds bad that we had fun the night of our grandpa's funeral, but you have to understand we'd already been mourning for days. I think he would have wanted us to have fun.

Anyhow, I'm at my Dad's now, trying to support him because he isn't taking this so well. I think I've moved on from being sad about my grandpa's death, to being really worried about my father.

But I should go to bed... I promise I will write about that list of things that I wanted to write about eventually, but tonight is not the night.

State: Still tired

I just have to say, all of my friends ROCK! Especially Jeanine, who dropped me off chocolate and a card. Jeanine, I love chocolate way more than flowers. Sarah T. and Charles and all of the other people at the Genetics formal, for making me feel normal again.

I'm still sad, but I can hold off on the crying and such until the funeral (which I now know when it is). to go to that funeral, I am going to have to finish my paper tomorrow and do two days of lab work in one day, but I am willing to do it. Not to mention all the classes I am going to miss.

So I am this weird mixture of happy and sad right now. It's like there is two parts of me for the moment. One part of me that is still mourning, and the other part that carries on with life. But I am going to go to bed now... I need my sleep if I am going to write a paper tomorrow.

{edit-11:31 am} - Chad needs to be added to the list of people that rock. He just offered to find virgin females (flies) while I am gone. My friends are amazing :)

I don't know what to do with myself. I tried writing my paper, but I can't think. I tired talking to people but I don't know what to say. Everything seems wrong. I want to cry to let it all out, but little seems to come. I want to phone someone to talk to them, but I don't know what to say. They don't know what to say. I want to see my family. I don't wnat to be here. I want to be with people but at the same time I want to be alone. I don't think i'll try and do more work right now. I need to just let myself go for a bit and not worry about school. I feel so powerless and so guilty for never visiting. Finally... the tears are coming. God, it feels good to cry.

I said I wouldn't post before my paper is done, but this is really important. I just found out this morning that my grandfather died. I'm sad I didn't get to see him before he died, even though he doesn't know who I am anymore. I'm worried about my father and how this might be affecting him and argh I just want to pick and leave and go to Saskatoon, but I can't. Not until I know more. I don't want to do anything anymore... I just want to be there for my family. I hope I know more soon.

State: Sad

Due to hormonal imbalances associated with this time of the month no major decision making will happen until I am more hormonally balanced.

Things I want to post about at a soon to come date:
1) My Philosophy on life/religion
2) Enjoying life in Edmonton again
3) Chronic procrastination

Things I must do before I post about these things:
1) Sleep
2) Spend money I don't have on genetics formal ticket
3) Write my paper (or at least a rough draft for my witchcraft class)

So until then, so long and goodnight :)

State: Good
Song: When I Goosestep- The Shins

And the annual meltdown begins! It is the time of year when Lisa gets to pick her courses and cringe about what the future may bring. Here is my dilemma: I think I want to take this lab course that everyone says is really evil and hard and tells me not to take. Even after hearing how evil and hard it, I still want to take it. Something inside of me tells me I simply have to take this course. I don't know what is compelling me, but something is. Ugh, I wish I had an Urim and Thummim to help me make this decision. But I don't and I have to rely on what my gut tells me, because my gut feeling is usually right. I'm not interested in any of the other LIST C options. And most of the ones I am interested it, conflict- once again with my required courses. If I were looking for omens I am getting mixed messages. The people, which could be leading me off my path, are telling me stay away. The other omens, like me loving the lab and doing well in it, are saying, "Take it... you'll hate but in the end you'll be really happy you took it". I'm leaning toward taking it for any of you who are wondering. There are a few reasons... but I don't want to go into that right now.

So there you have it... that is the whole reason I have gotten nothing done in my school work today. It's still eating me up inside, but I think I'll live.

Song: Bad Day- Something Corporate
State: Conflicted

PS- Good stuff happened today too... climbing was awesome. What a stress reliever! We did bouldering problems... ones that we made up and my partner was awesome, so that made it lots of fun :)

I love spring. I realize Edmonton will most likely have another snowfall before the school year is out, but what is happening right now is very spring like and it makes me think that spring is here. I don't know what it is about spring, I think it is one of my favourite seasons. Spring and fall I guess would be my two favourite seasons. I guess I like them because they both have moderate temperatures, not too hot, and not too cold.

Spring always makes me feel so hopeful about the future, and while I'm walking to school taking it all in, I forget about all my worries for even just a little while. Maybe that is just the extra vitamin D that I am getting because it has been so amazingly sunny. Whatever it is, it feels nice.

Something I realized on one of these walks (I'm sure this isn't the first time I have realized this, but I seem to forget) is that although I have very real physical desires, what I am really looking for is love (or at least deep like to begin with). I think I forget this when my physical desires overrun my emotional desires. I'm looking for a connection (emotional first, physical later). I am confident that I will find the person out there somewhere. I'm not sure when, where or how, but that doesn't matter. I also realized the fact that I know exactly what I want has probably limited me. How you might ask? It limits me, and stops me from exploring completely unexpected and yet plausible possibilities.

Oh and I love climbing. It was amazing tackling stuff that I used to not be able to do. I want my own shoes... I want to climb more. The rush was amazing! I love bouldering too, but climbing the high walls is totally different. Bouldering is great for learning technique, and technique is something that really helps with climbing the high walls.

Sleep calls. Goodnight!

State: Amazing
Song: Anyway- Gavin DeGraw

I shouldn't be posting... but I am. I should be working on the lab report I have due. So last night I ended my four and half year drought. Not in a way I would have expected, and not in a way that was really very satisfying. I mean, it is one thing to have the drought end in a meaningful way, say a huge downpour that lasts for days and days and actually replenishes moisture to the cracked starved ground. But when it ends in a short, meaningless shower that barely produces mud it is sort of anticlimactic. And only leaves one dry and thirsty for more. What I am trying to say, next time I hope a monsoon ends this new dry spell.

State: Pensive
Song: Smoke Baby- Hawksley Workman

Was that me? I can't believe it- I'm capable of flirting :)

State: incredulous
Song: Lover's Spit- Broken Social Scene

Yesterday kind of sucked. I was on the verge of tears most of the day because of various stupid reasons, one of which been the absence of my lab manual. I had a splitting headache and do not remember most of what went on in class yesterday. After I took some headache drugs and drank lots of water I seemed to feel better and managed to give a rather good phone interview for an industrial internship position in Brooks. Night class was good, but by the time I got to Safewalk, I didn't know what day it was.

When I got home from Safewalk, I found an e-mail that contained the most wonderful news I've had since Monday. My precious lab manual has been located. It is now back in my hands and I hope it never leave me again.

I hear back from the lady tomorrow about the lab job. I think I will take it if I get it. Experience is everything in my line of work. It doesn't matter what your marks are, if you don't have experience and someone else does they are more likely to get the position. I know, because I have no experience at this point.

Anyhow... on to the whole reason why I am posting. I'm looking for some new music to listen to. What I'd like people to do is post (in the comments for this post) new music (stuff I haven't mentioned) that you'd think I'd like. Or you can just post what your favourite songs are or albums or anything to do with music.

State: Procrastination makes nothing happen

I was way too tired to put any sort of post together last night so I figure now is as good a time as any. Actually, I'm still kind of tired and sort of out of it so yeah...

Anyhow, on with the story. I started leg two of my coast to coast journey last Tuesday. Our flight was late leaving Calgary due to some child that was too scared to fly and therefore they had to remove their bags. I honestly didn't care because I had a four hour layover in Toronto. Yes, you saw right- 4 hours. Honestly, I don't know why I stayed in the secure part of the airport (in Terminal 3) because as I quickly found out, although terminal three is rather large, it contains very little in the way of stores/eating places. Not compared to the much smaller secure area of the Calgary airport which happens to have a decent sized food court and a pointless moving sidewalk. At least the airport had lots of those to play on... lol. All and all it was a most wonderful airport to get a lot of work done in. I have almost finished all of my reading for the term in my witchcraft class. That would be two 200 page books worth of reading. It is amazing what you can get accomplished in airports.

I think my flight leaving Toronto was late too. I forget why- something to do with the crew not being there fast enough. Anyhow... we weren't too late and made up a good half hour in lateness. I met a nice guy on the plane from Halifax who was visiting his girlfriend in Toronto. He was quite interesting and we shared a common love for Calgary. He is the first person not native to Calgary that I have met that found it easy to find his way around. He also found Edmonton confusing which I think I did too when I first moved here.

So we got into Halifax at 10:40 pm and I think we stayed up until 3:30 pm chatting. It was nice to visit. But we only got up at noon because of this. I have a theory that I kind of lived on Alberta time the whole time I was there.

The next day we made our way downtown to the Maritime Museum where I learned all about the Halifax explosion. Call me sheltered but I didn't know that in 1917 Halifax was the site of largest man made explosion before Hiroshima.This site has more info on the explosion and the damaged caused by it.

That night we had a gathering of people with Jane's friends. This was the night that I got accused of having fake ID at the liquor store. He said it looked fake because of the way the birthday is raised. I told him it was a security feature, but apparently that wasn't in the book.

So we sat around told jokes, socialized and read really bad erotica. I didn't think anything could be worse than Harlequin, but the best of 1993 Erotica managed to beat it. Apparently, 1993 wasn't a good year for erotica.

The next day we went out on the bus to York Redoubt. It was pretty cool. Very fortified and lots of cannons. It was also cool that we could take the bus out to somewhere that remote. That night we went over to Eric's house and played Settlers of Catan. I won, or at least I think I did. Only after I got people off my back at the beginning and laid low until toward the end.

Friday, we toured around the country side to see the sites. Only the sites were a little hard to see in the blizzard. We went to Peggy's Cove which looked like the picture except grey and blizardy. I have to say it was really fun seeing the sites at a time when most people don't see them. We saw a few more beaches, had some warm drinks at the bakery in a small place that wasn't peggy's cove and went back to Halifax. That night, we could have gone to a party, but he decided to just hang out at home and Jane and Craig did homework... for a bit and then we played Wizard. After a bit, just before Jane's friends came over at 2:00 am we finished off the rum I bought with my "fake" ID (Jane ate her rum in apple sauce) and then we socialized for a bit- until like 3:30 am and went to bed.

I woke everyone up at 10:30 the next day, in an effort to actually get to the farmer's market before it closed. We got there before it closed, but not much before. I bought 3 pounds of Mac apples for 2$ and some fudge. Then we took a tour of the Keith's Brewery. The tour was actually kind of cute. For a virtual tour, just click on the brewery button and take the virtual tour. Then we wandered around downtown and I found a place that sells Yerba Maté tea.

Early Sunday morning (4:55 am) I boarded the Airbus to the airport and left Halifax late at 8:00 am. It didn't matter because our plane was late coming in from Cuba so my flight to Calgary was delayed.

Got back to Edmonton last night... and now I am really really really tired. But must do homework. So... I guess I will go make dinner now:)

State: Very Tired
Song: Farewell To Nova Scotia

So I figured that while I am up late doing laundry for part two of my Coast to Coast TREK, I would give a little run down of how part one of the trip (the Pacific coast)went!

I arrived in Victoria at approximately 1:00 pm on Friday afternoon. It was sunny and warm (+10C) and my winter jacket was quickly thrown to the back seat of the car and later hung up and forgotten for the remainder of the trip. The weather for the whole weekend was simply amazing! Of all the times I have been to Victoria during a reading break, I don't think it has ever been that nice. Not a cloud was seen in the sky for the whole 4 days. And those of you who know Victoria, know that this is a feat unto itself.

On Friday, we went out for really good sushi and then tried to see Leeroy Stagger play at Lucky Bar, but alas the opening band only started playing at 11 and they were horrible and there was still another band to come on before Leeroy, so one of Lindsay's friends bought both of his albums and we left and listened to him on the way home in the car.

On Saturday, I forced Lindsay to get up early so that we could go have breakfast in Victoria with other Lindsay (we will call her Linds for the sake of not confusing you) and Michael. The food was awesome- Blue Fox Cafe, I highly recommend it. But the service was kind of slow. Oh well, it was all worth it when we got our French toast topped with fruit and cream cheese sauce... mmmm. Then we drove back to Duncan and went out to dinner with Erin and Alan(Lindsay's boy). Dinner was good... Then we watched Troy which may not be true to the story, but we highly enjoyable if only for its hot man factor. Mmmmm Brad Pitt wearing next to nothing. What more can I say? Then we had a good long chat about sex (something I miss a lot not having Lindsay around) and ended up going to bed around 2 in the morning.

Sunday, we tried to sleep in. I succeeded, Lindsay didn't. Later, we went hiking in The East Sooke Regional Park. I believe we did the Coast Trail. It was absolutely breathtaking! We even saw a seal bathing in the sun on the rocks. After the hike, we made some delicious supper and then decided we wanted to use up the bananas in banana bread and muffins. I made the bread and she made the muffins. While the muffins were baking, we fixed my Dairy Queen deprivation and went home to finish our baking. By the time our baking was done it was time to for bed.

Monday, Lindsay brought me to the airport for my flight that was going to leave at 1:15 pm. So I got to the airport at 12:15. Only our flight didn't leave until 4:30, a good 3h 15min late. This was due to the weather in Toronto. Which makes me a little concerned about my flight tomorrow being on time. Anyhow... I should go check on my laundry. Until at least 5 days from now...

State: Tired

Okay I did something totally out of character and what I consider to be something really stupid last night. But as of right now, I don't regret a moment of my time not spent studying. Why? Because I feel so much more focused now. I'm not sure if it is focus so much as panic but I'll take what I can get. The truth of the matter is I've studied more for more exam from about 1:00 am until now than I have all week for my midterm. And at the rate I was going, I wasn't going to study at all. And that would have been really horrible.

So you are probably all wondering what this stupid thing Lisa did was? Well, if you really want to know. After having a particularly horrible horrible lab where I ended up counting a whole vial of flies TWICE, I decided, why not go out for a beer after my lab? The thing is... one beer turned into well seeing as only four of us went out after the lab and only three of us were drinking beer and three pitchers were bought and drank over the course of 3 hours... one beer turned into a pitcher. It was only when I was walking home (stumbled, whatever) that I noticed the drunkenness truly set in. It is funny, because the last time I was as drunk as I was last night was the night I went out with Jane and Eric and could barely walk home. Beer seems to have that effect on me. Moral of the story, if you want to see me drunk, don't give me tequila. Give me 3 pints of beer or a pitcher. I have to drink a lot more tequila to get to the same place. And I love the fact I feel very little hangover after drinking beer. Yay water content :)We decided that we should plan to go out on the Friday after our next lab, to be a little more responsible and so more people come. And we were thinking of inviting the thurs/fri lab too because they would be done their lab too.

And it was really nice to sit and talk about my field about people who are equally passionate. And I didn't feel like a big nerd or geek or like I was only talking about one thing all night. We talked about more than just genetics. We talked about our families, experiences etc. Apparently there are people in the other lab that come to lab stoned. Honestly, I have no clue how they could do one of our labs high, not to mention how dangerous that would be. I mean we work with HIGHLY mutagenic substances. I mean they would have to be to do the cool things they do to DNA. Sometimes, I can barely keep everything straight when I am sober. Then again, my results are half decent whereas theirs probably suck. So these are the things you learn when you go out for beer with the TA.

But I feel much more sober now that I have had a three hour nap. I've also studied a good hour of witchcraft and I am planning on going early tomorrow and studying more. (we'll see, depends on how fast I fall asleep) It is funny how doing something fun the night before a midterm makes you feel all focused and ready to study for it. Anyhow... I am going to sleep again for a little while and get up and study more.

Mood: pretty good right now
Song: Virus of the Mind- Heather Nova