Goal List... considering the 101 in 1001

I'm thinking about doing the 101 things in 1001 days. Why? Because I have a lot of things that I want to do and I feel like because I don't have them written down, I am falling short of reaching my goals... it is just a idea.

I have a start date in mind already. Graduation day. I think it is June 12 or 11/07. I'll have to check to make sure. It will literally be the first day of the next 1001 days of my life. That gives me some time to come up with some goals that I think I want to do.


Anyhow... I should go to bed. That should probably be a goal of mine. Bed. Sleep. 8 hours of it. Whenever possible.

"I say my day is spent and my spirit's dead"

I don't know where to start. The title of this post is from a song called Legs Away by a band called Mother Mother. I quite enjoy them and you should go check them out because they are awesome.

The title sums up how I have been feeling since the semester began. I'm beyond procrastinating. I've full out given up. I sit and home and do nothing. I'm not even going out and having fun, or thinking of studying. I haven't even felt like posting on here because- honestly what would I post about. How am I feeling? Shitty, but I don't really like to let people in on that. I'm sick of hiding it. Pretending I'm okay. Because I'm not okay. I'm so far from okay that I don't even know who am I anymore. I look in the mirror and think, "This isn't you. You don't slack off like this. You work hard despite not liking the class, because you don't like to do badly." Well I am doing bad now...

If I could tell you what I think is wrong- well I'd probably say everything. But that is a lie, an exaggeration. I think I am having trouble because I have no solid goal. I feel like I'm losing it. Maybe I am. For example- it is midnight the night before my Anatomy midterm and I haven't studied and I have an assignment due tomorrow and I haven't started. And I'm not freaking out. It is like it doesn't even phase me. And it isn't like I don't have goals, I do. I need to do well in my classes because I really do want to get into occupational therapy. Am I self sabotaging my life?

It looks like I am probably going to withdraw from Anatomy. Five years in my degree and I have never had to withdraw from anything, but there is no way I can salvage that class. I feel bad for letting it get this far. I probably should have gone to talk to someone when I first started feeling like this. I thought it was just a mood swing, that I would swing back to normal like I normally do. But I never did...

Have no fear. I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor tomorrow after I fail my Anatomy exam. Because I can't go on "living" like this. I don't really feel like I am living right now. I'm going through the motions. It is time to start living again.

I am a procrastiholic

Not that admitting it really helps. I guess it is the first step to recovery. I've fallen back into the bad habit of putting things off. It really isn't healthy and frankly, makes me feel awful about myself. Not that feeling awful will help me stop procrastinating. It is a vicious cycle really. I already got my first mark back. I just got my first mark back that was affected by my procrastinating. It wasn't good, but honestly I have no one to blame but myself. Hopefully this isn't a repeat of what happened in 418 where I just couldn't bring my mark up after starting so low. I don't think it is. I know why I did bad. Simple. I did know nearly enough. I think I can come back though. At least I hope I can.

I feel pretty lost right now... I have no idea what I am doing what my life and it scares me, because sometimes I wish I didn't have to think about it. Sometimes I just don't feel like thinking about my future anymore. I still think I want to do occupational therapy, but why can't I motivate myself to volunteer or do something good? I don't know what is stopping me. I'm scared that my biggest obstacle in reaching my goals will be myself and my lack of motivation at times. I don't always feel like this, but when I do, I can barely motivate myself to do stuff that I like. I've felt like this now for probably about three weeks. It probably has something to do with not doing my work and feeling guilty about it, which in turn, makes me feel shitty and not like doing anything.

Tonight, I am going to stop the vicious cycle. Starting now, I will have a few ground rules for myself.

The RULES:

1) Set attainable goals and write them down
2) Rewards only upon completion of goals
3) Reduce procrastinating
4) No wallowing in self-pity/guilt for slipping up. These are counter-productive, demoralizing and generally only lead to more procrastination

That's all for tonight. I will try and post the more major goals on here. If I don't put it off...

It been awhile

I haven't posted for awhile mainly because I was super busy. I got all my marks back and I did really well this semester. Straight A's for the first time in my undergraduate degree. Things are going good, I have had a good few days to relax with Ryan before going back to school today. I'm looking forward to this semester. It is the first semester in a long while that I have been able to take whatever I want. I dropped this music class I was in because it was going to be way too much of the feminist high horse sort of class and I hate classes like that. Not that I have ever taken one, but honestly, I know. I didn't want to do the class within the first 5 minutes of being there and it seemed like it would be so much more work than a class like that is worth. So much more. Don't get me wrong... I'm all for women's rights and equality but some of these women's studies classes take it too far. I don't want to analyze the feminist qualities coming through the music.

On the other hand, I loved my Cognitive psychology class. I think it is going to be awesome. I hear it is a hard class, but honestly I think it will be worth it for interests sake.

Anyhow... I need to go to bed, because I have a lab meeting at 11 and I want to go in and get work done before it, so I want to be up by 7:50 and out the door by 8:30. Lets see if that happens!

Eragon

I am reading Eragon right now and I really like it. I just thought I would share a quote that I really liked from it:

Eragon: What is the worth of anything we do?
Saphira: The worth is in the act. Your worth halts when you surrender the will to change and experience life. But options are before you; choose one and dedicate yourself to it. The deeds will give you new hop and purpose.
Eragon: But what can I do?
Saphira: The only true guide is your heart. Nothing less than its supreme desire can help you.
From Eragon, pg 92

I guess I feel like I am at a crossroads, especially in terms of choosing what I want to do with my life. One path, is the one I am already on and the other is to do something entirely different. The path I am already on, well lets just say it is stagnant. Never in my whole life have I felt this unmotivated. I feel like I am walking through quicksand, trying desperately not to sink.

The other path, despite being entirely different, depends on me doing well this semester. I want so desperately to get in, but I am afraid that I have made this choice to late and that I'll probably get rejected the first time around.

Well, I should get back to studying... development awaits!

Where has all my motivation gone???

Please come back... I need you now more than ever.

Do you feel sexy?

At school today, we stumbled across an article on the front page of the Edmonton Journal that was very interesting. It was about this art project that is called We Feel Fine by Jonathan Harris and Sep Kamvar. What they have done it created a website that automatically searches updated weblog entries to log any "I feel" statement in order to gauge the feeling of the world at a particular point in time.

What caught our interest in the article at least was that Edmontonians feel 14 times sexier than the rest of the country and Calgarians feel 10 times sexier. Pretty interesting... or at least I was intrigued. The website is worth a visit. I think it is a pretty neat idea.

So this goes out to all you people in Edmonton and Calgary:

Do you feel sexy?

This is cool

I was looking at the BBC news and I came across these pictures of animals in the womb. Don't worry, no animals were harm in the taking of these pictures. They were all done by computer modeling and ultra sound. Go here to see more.

It kind of reminds me of3D and 4D ultrasound pictures that you can get of your baby now. Click here if you want to see what they look like.

Well, looks like I am out of material for today. Or maybe I am just too tired to care.

New Computer

I finally have my new computer. It is so pretty and fast and I love it. I doubt you'll hear me talk about anything else for awhile. I am going to include a picture of it. And that is about it because I want to keep playing!

More later... perhaps even some pictures from my photo booth!

Who cares what "they" think?

I know that it is human nature to judge and be judged. Although I try not to be judgemental, I know sometimes I'm sure I come across as being judgemental, even if that is not my intent. I also often do not think before I speak, and this just as often gets me in trouble with people- mostly with people who are my friends. I'm not sure this is going to lead into what I want to talk about, but lets see if I can get there.

Firstly, why do people care so much about what other people think? Is this just human nature? For the most part I don't care about what people think. There are very few things that I am ashamed that I have done, and even though I am not proud of those few things, when asked I will admit to them freely despite the possibility of judgement from the other party. And I know I'm not perfect and that I have many flaws that I try to work on everyday, but sometimes I slip. You know we all make mistakes.

Second, why do people that care what other people(not family) think do things on a regular basis that they don't want the people they care about to know about? I guess it is just something I have been thinking about. I've been starting to think- why do something if I know that I'll regret/ be ashamed of it later. I think it is because I think that the only way that someone can make you feel ashamed of your actions is that if something inside of you tells you that you have something to be ashamed about or something to regret.

Maybe if I paused for a moment before blurting stuff out, I might find that I regret or feel less ashamed of things that I have said. Perhaps I could even feel proud.

OT

The more I think about it, the more I want to do occupational therapy. I met with an occupational therapist today and we chatted over dinner. It was great, she gave me some really good ideas of what I could put in my letter of intent. It really reassured me that it was something that I could do, even though my background isn't related at all. I think I want to job shadow a few more if it is possible, and if so I am for sure applying.

Of course there is always the possibility that I don't get in right away. I have back up plans... I might just work and try and chip away at my debt. Goodness knows, I'll probably have to borrow more if I do get into OT. Yay! Two more years of school. I'll be 26 before I even start my career. I guess I was always in for the long haul in school. At least I am close to getting this first degree.

Sigh... I'm done my lab work, so I am off to home for now.

Half-Marathon

Yesterday I officially started training for the Half-Marathon I plan on running on March 4th/2007. I know it probably seems like a leap to go from running shorter distances (longest being about 12 km) to more than double that, but I think I can do if I train my body. I know it will be difficult, but I am up for the challenge. I've joined a running room training clinic and I am pumped and ready to go.

This Sunday is our first Sunday run (which are the longer runs of the week). We are starting at 7 km which I know I can manage already. By then I should be recovered from all the sprinting I did in soccer. Oh yeah- I am playing women's recreational soccer. I think it will be fun. Or at least it was last time despite only having 7 players, which in indoor soccer means that you only have two subs for an hour long game that is split into two halves.

Ugh- I so much school work to do. I really should stay up to do some, but all I feel like doing is sleeping.

I give up...

I don't really have time or the computer speed to post everyday. Speaking of computer speed, I broke down and bought a new computer. I am very excited, although I am not sure I can afford it, somehow I can make it work. I'm sure it will be worth it when the paper writing hell starts and I need my words to come up on to the screen as fast as I typing them. You know you need a new computer when there is a delay between typing the words and seeing them on the screen. My computer has been through a lot with me. It was good to me for a good six years. I kind of feel like Strongbad when his computer blows up. Except my computer hasn't blown up yet. And I'm not getting a lappy, because I wanted a faster computer, and I am too hard on such things that I think I would break it.

Missed One...

Yesterday, I had such a good day, that I forgot to blog. Daley and Heather were up and we had fun.

The End.

P.S. More later, I'm wiped

So excited

So it seems that I haven't been doing as bad on my 499 project as I thought. I have results and working on the number of strains I am now I should be able to get something meaningful before the end of my 499. You have no idea how much this makes me smile.

In other news, I'm absolutely famished. I am thinking about booking it to Oodle Noodle, but I am scared that as soon as I leave the house, someone will come.

Meh, screw it. It's not like Oodle Noodle is that far.

Distractions

I've been so distracted and yet so focused that the same time this past week. It's weird. I think that is why I haven't posted anything really groundbreaking or stellar. I have my mind on too much things at once. Or I am thinking about stuff that I would never discuss on here. Stuff that most people would probably shake their head at and be like, " Why would you want to know that." That's the thing about Genetics. Most people who continue on with it past the first class have this weird understanding of it, and no word of a lie it is definitely like learning a new language. I mean I take for granted ever day that I know what a hypermorph is or a neomorph.

This things sound almost sci-fi like when brought out of the context of the class. No wonder people are scared of geneticists. The thing is- there is so much we don't know. So much that we might never know. Biological systems are way more complicated than anyone ever imagined. And on that note, I should go study how DNA is repaired, which I used to hate studying and now I love it.

Facebook Addict

It is amazing how much time I spend on Facebook. I don't know what it is about it. Perhaps it is because it is like an online tabloid, but instead of strangers, you know the people. It's pretty lame that I have run out of stuff to talk about, so I talk about Facebook. I guess I would like it, because I am one of those people that likes to know stuff about people.

I think is really cool that I have found two of my long lost friends from elementary/jr. high on Facebook. not that we talk that much more now, but I love to see how people are doing. I don't really talk on MSN much. I can't multitask like that and studying in more important.

Anyhow... if you haven't joined yet, I definitely won't encourage it because it is a time sucker. I mean this afternoon, I spent an hour Facebook stalking. Facebook stalking is a term that Anne and I came up with to describe when you link to someones friend and then to their friend and their friend and look at all of their pictures and who they know and so on. It really only works within networks, because then you can usually look at people's pictures even though you aren't friends with them. Now that I read that back to myself, it is kind of creepy. I mean... when you think about it like that, how many people could be Facebook stalking you at this very moment!

I'm just lucky that I don't know too many people on Facebook or it might consume my life. And that is just sick and frankly, kind of creepy.

The Tally

It took me less time than I thought. Thanks to google search this blog button. Only 17 out of 369 posts, in guess 370 if you include this one are about being lonely. Which is surprising, because I thought I bitched about being lonely more than that. Sweet. That's only 4.6% of all of my posts which is really nothing. Wow.

I really need to sleep.

Loneliness

I had the best music class today. We watched Bugs Bunny and listened to Aida. I was thinking about my past few posts.... and really if I wasn't doing this posting thing, I would have put them up because I really had nothing to write about. I've become less introspective as I have gotten older. I think I'm past my introspective prime.

Or am I? Maybe I don't look inside myself anymore because I'm scared of what I will find. Or maybe that isn't it at all? Maybe its just that I am finally happy with my life. I'm no longer lonely, although I find it harder to be alone now than ever. Does that make sense?I guess it does, I mean humans are social creatures, so it would make sense that I am happier with someone than without. It's weird, because I wasn't really unhappy before, I was just lonely.

Maybe it is because I have surrounded myself with such great people I can't help but want to spent time with them. I mean this is the first time since second year university that I have actually liked and enjoyed the company of my roommates. I mean, we're friends and we do stuff together which doesn't often happen when a bunch of random people move in together.

But at the same time, can one really be happy and lonely at the same time? I think they can, as long as they don't dwell on the fact that they are lonely. I'd be kind of interested to look back and see how many posts in my blogging past were about being lonely. Maybe I will and I'll get back to you sometime this month- you know while I am posting everyday. Or not. We'll see. I'll keep you posted. Quite literally.

Write-Off

Okay... so this weekend is officially a write-off. I don't know if I have ever slacked this bad in my whole university career. I have two midterm next week and I don't seem to care much at all.

I went to my first soccer game today, but didn't get to play. I also went to Costco and spent a bit of money. Less than a hundred. 78$ to be exact, which is exactly what each of my other roommates spent. Weird. Anyhow... I think I am going to head off early and hopefully get up early tomorrow and study lots!

Yours, in procrastination.

Lisa