I went to theater sports last night and that was pretty fun, although not nearly as entertaining as the pants, no pants night.

I'm mad at myself. I didn't get nearly as much done today as thought I would. Oh well, there is always tomorrow. Or today really. I haven't posted since "thursday" night or friday morning you might say. Well, I guess PMS hit me harder this month than it has in awhile. It was pretty bad today too. I was an emotional wreck. And it didn't help that I couldn't get my computer to work when I wanted it too. It was working all fine this morning.... even read this acticle on the BBC :
BBC NEWS | Science/Nature | Mice produce sperm from monkeysBut around 2:30 it stopped working. Lindsay's computer wasn't connecting at first too, but then we got hers back online and mine still wasn't biting. I "repaired" the connection vis Lindsay's computer and then checked for a connection and apparently I was connected, but I couldn't use anything that involved the connection. So I fucked around trying to get it to work until about 5 pm, when I said fuck it and decided to watch Sex and The City. I turned my computer off and left it there. I came back after watching Sex and The City, turned it on and presto internet was working again. Who knows why it is working now but wasn't before.

This completely wrecked my "homework" flow and I have proceed to do almost nothing tonight, despite being advised to do otherwise. I really shouldn't blame my lack of working on an inanimate object suck as my dear computer, but it is far easier than feeling guilty about it myself and it's not like shaw or my computer can feel the guilt trip I am giving them. I'm totally against guilt trips, unless they are directed toward inanimate objects. Yeah, the last thing I need is to feel guilty about something. That would completely zap my homework mojo I plan on having tomorrow.

I'm also starting to think I am a boring person. Although I know this isn't true... but I think my initial personality when I meet someone is rather dull as I am uncomfortable and show no personality around them. And if I continue to feel unconfortable, I continue to be boring...

I have no idea where this is going only that I know I am really tired and that I probably should sleep so that I don't start saying even crazier things.

Oh right- one more thing. I figured out why I hate PMS'ing so much. Okay- so you feel really bitchy and you know that if you don't think about what you are going to say next you'll probably say something you regret. So you have to think about what you are going to say, which frankly, stresses me out because I never think before I speak.

Okay... so maybe not one more thing: I did this quiz and here is my result:



Goodnight all! Hope everyone's weekend is going well or at least better than mine.

State: Bitchy- PMS'ing hardcore
Song: Globes and Maps- Something Corporate (what can I say,Daley, it got stuck in my head)

So today was... meh. good for the first half although I was really tired and it went downhill from about half way through my genetics 270 seminar. I'm not sure why I started to feel so crappy at that point, but I did. And I still feel crappy. Maybe I'm hungry. But I don't think it is that. It's like the sick feeling you get when you feel guilty about something. I have no clue what I'd be feeling guilty about right now though. Usually I know. hmmm I feel like I was such a bitch for the last half of this day. Well from about when I got home until now. Maybe that's it. I feel mean, and yet I have talked to very few people and probably said very few mean things. It is that irritable feeling. That feeling that the next words out of your mouth will be snappy and mean and you feel like you have no way of stopping it.

Fuck, I hate feeling this way. I think it may be partially due to not getting enough sleep last night, so to any of those who encounter me tomorrow.... beware. Lisa is not pleasant on the amount of sleep she will have had by tomorrow. But if you want to have lunch with me, Daley, I think I'm be hanging out in front of my lecture theater in Education or I'll be in CAB. Education if I feel this irritable after my lab. But you don't have to come if you don't want to be around me.

Oh and I think I may have said yes to going to see Sarah McLaughlin in concert on September 10 in Vancouver. I really must be in a funny mood because I said yes to Lindsay (not roommate) almost instantly and I usually like to resist with her even though I almost always end up giving in. I think its because it's Sarah McLaughlin and I like crazy plans that will cost me lots of money. Besides, I probably won't see them all summer as they will probably be staying in Victoria in their new condo. So it will be nice to visit. I'm not sure where I am going to be for the summer. If I didn't have to rent here or secure a place to live here for next year, I'd probably go back to Calgary. But it is such a bother to find a place to live. I just as soon stay. Especially if Lindsay is coming back next year. Then I'll just charge her for storage and pay my half of the rent. And maybe find someone to sublet with me...who knows. It's to late to be thinking about such things when I should be sleeping.

Oh yeah... I might be going to Theater Sports tomorrow, or I guess technically today. That should be fun. I think I'll only go if I get enough work done tomorrow though.

Okay... I really should go sleep. goodnight.

State: Fucking tired/irritated/crappy
Song: none

I had a pretty good day today. I enjoyed ALL of my classes today. Even ecology. we looked a parasites today in Ecology. This is the URL to the site we looked at:BBC NEWS | Health | Invasion of the Bodysnatchers. I think parasites are soooo cool. I think I want to take a course on them.

Anyways then I had my Safewalk shift and that was a lot of fun too. And I should go to bed... but I can't seem to stop reading articles on BBC and thus am not ready for bed.

Don't feel like sharing anything personal tonight....so I won't.

State: happy for no apparent reason
Song: Sick Cycle Carousel

Another day, another exam. Biochem went well, but I'm fooling myself if I think I actually care about the subject. I don't, and I am only studying it because I have to. The only thing I really care about is my mark in that course so that it doesn't ruin my good GPA.

I have my genetics 270 exam today. I feel prepared and yet underprepared. I think I've studied as much as I can for it so I guess we will just have to see what see asks. The practice exam was relatively easy, but I never look at those as being a good representation anymore. I've been burned by having false expectations and not studying enough. Anyhow, I'm more nervous for this one because I actually care about genetics. Which is good.

Crazy dreams last night. I'd go into detail... but I don't feel like it.

I've had some thoughts I don't have time to express right now on here, but I think I will come back later and do that.

State: Nervous
Song: Hey Ya- Outkast

This is our wall to try and motivate us not to cram... lets see if it works...

State: Sick of cramming

Okay I said I'd put a picture of my cookies up because I am cruel... so here it is:

and now I'm going to go study...

Okay... so I've crammed all day and once again I say I'll never do this to myself again... but I will. But no... I can't. Fuck, I'm soooo tired, I can't even think straight.

Here's a link to a forensic science program that looks kinda cool. Maybe I'll do this after I get my first degree. BCIT ~ Forensic Investigation (Forensic Science Option): Part-time, Bachelor of Technology

Lindsay and I made oatmeal cookies today and they were awesome. I promise I'll post a picture of them tomorrow. I took such a pretty picture.

Okay... i'm cram-drunken right now so I think I'll go to sleep.

goodnight world...

State: Cram-drunken
Song: Piano Man- Billy Joel

So I didn't end up going to bed until midnight last night because I wanted to get my stuff ready for school so that I could get to school early and sign up for gym equipment. So now I am here early feeling like I should still be sleeping... I guess on the plus side, I get to go to my Ecology lab? Hmmm I really don't see any pluses to that.

Okay here is my bit on Ecology... a lot of the time it is actually interesting. And I think the class would be enjoyable if my prof wasn't a self-righteous ass. But whe he started talking about the multi-dimention hyperspace of niche breath, that's where I lost all respect I had for the guy. Who uses words like that to talk about Ecology? I think the guy honestly chose the wrong field. Or maybe I did... Maybe Daley's right, Physics would be more useful for the type of biology I am going into. Ecology, while I see it's importance on a global scale, just isn't important to me. I understand why I have to take it.... that doesn't mean I have to like it. I did try and like it. I gave it a month and I don't really like it anymore than I did before. I think I was just pretending to like it before. Kinda like biochem. I pretend to like that course to give myself the illusion that I actually care about it.

Okay, well enough ranting about ecology and school in general. I guess I should get to my lab where we will be studying interspecies competition. Ooooh I can't wait. Really.

State: Sleepy and cynical
Song: Kill me now- Adam Sandler

Wow... this is the lastest I have gone to bed all week. I don't have to get up early tomorrow so I thought I'd stay up and finish my stats assignment for ecology. It's pretty much finished now, minus me printing it off.

I was really hyper tonight. And now I am ready to sleep. mmm sleep....

State: good- I think I'm on the brink of a breakdown though (hence the hyperness)
Song: random iTunes (and ,yes I was actually letting all the songs play)

I felt all motivated to work when I was at school and the feeling promptly left when I came home. Darn. I am determined to get that feeling back!!!

I really need to study biochem, but it really doesn't interest me to know much of anything about it other than to hear it once and say - well that is nice, moving on now. Genetics on the otherhand is not nearly as painful to study, but I still need to study it. I think I will devote tonight to biochem and maybe the latter part of this evening to finishing my stats assignment for my Ecology lab.

My first Safewalk shift was spent putting posters up inside and we walked one person to their car. This resulted in us being boiling hot as we were dressed to be outside. Oh well, such is life. I'm feeling better today, but I wish the furnace in my house wouldn't be so testy. It goes on all the time regardless of what temperature the thermostat is set at. I mean we have the thermostat set to 16 right now and it is boiling in my room... and I can't sleep in a hot room.

There is a mouse living in the hole place beside my window!!! He/she is sooo cute! Lindsay and I named him/her Legolas because it is a fairly gender neutral name and we gave the mouse some peanuts and a "blanket" a face cloth thing. He's come out for food a few times. Anyhow, as long as he isn't in our house I don't mind him living there.

As I haven't really delved deep in this entry it seems almost pointless to start now... I kinda wanted to. We were talking about stages of development in psych today, and I was kinda wondering where I fall as far as stages according to Ericson. I think I know who I am, but for all I know I still might be trying to figure that out. Apparently, in order to form meaningful relationship (which is the stage after finding out who you are) involves finding out who you are. I'm wondering if I have done that... hmmm I'm kinda thinking I have, but now the question is: Will I be able to form meaningful relationships? I'm not sure I believe the whole stage theory, but it certainly makes sense and also got me thinking at the early hour of 10 in the morning (I'm aware that isn't that early). Sigh... only time will tell :)

Anyhow, I'm really only avoiding the pain that is biochem. And it is a pain. So I think I will go and try to tackle the beast!

State: Tackling the BEAST! (I hope...)
Song: It's all understood- Jack Johnson

So today was one of those days where you always feel like you are forgetting something and you actually are but you can't put your finger on what you are missing. Kind of like Neville and the Rememberall- it's glowing red but you can't remember what you are forgetting.

Today it so happens that I forgot to count my Daphnia. If you are wondering what those are they are essentially water flees that live in ponds. I ended up skipping my Ecology class to go count them. And of course there were quite a few as they hadn't been counted since Friday.

To make matters worse, I have the feeling that I am getting sick and at one of the worst possible times. I feel very much like I have the flu. I'd go home, but I really wouldn't want to have an excused absence on my first shift of Safewalk. I'll just go home right after and eat some of our chicken soup and go to bed. Hopefully I can stop myself from getting sick.

Other than that, I guess I am starting to feel stressed about my midterms that are coming up next week. At least I get them over with in the begining of the week.

I wish I had some deeper thoughts right now,but my headache/body ache is rendering it very hard for me to actually think about anything so I'm not even going to try.

State: I feel like I've been run over by a Truck
Song: Where Is My Mind?- the pixies

I had my Safewalk training today. It was actually quite fun. We played some games and mingled and such. I think it will be a good group to volunteer for. I like that it is structured, which means I am more likely to keep doing it.

On the school front, I am not doing much better. I'm sure I'll wake up once midterms hit, but I hope that I smarten up before then so I can actually do okay on them.

Hmmm I was thinking about high school last night. I was just thinking about how holding on to feelings you have for someone that doesn't have feelings for you only blinds you to all the other fish in the sea. I think I missed some fish in high school for precisely that reason. It is really too bad actually. Oh well, one cannot dwell on what is done and should only really try to live for today. So yeah... I guess that is my deepish thought for the day. Not really that deep.

Oh well I am going to get ready for bed right so that I won't go to bed too late tonight. Goodnight everyone!

State: exhausted
Song: Aside- the weakerthans

Ahhh... I just had a great nap. I have actually discovered that while I sleep mostly on my right side it's more distributed equally between the two sides. This has resulted in my being unfulfilled in my sleep. I wake up somewhate stiff wish I could sleep on my other side. So just now I took a nap on the side that I got pierced. And it didn't really hurt. But I think that the contact with my conforter has made it bleed a little. Oh well.

Homework once again not going so hot. I just wonder where all my motivation has gone. I guess I have read over all my notes for my genetics class which is okay. But one always hopes to be more productive than one is.

Slightly more motivated after the nap, so I guess I will start the reading that I need to do for next week.

I'm kinda excited for tonight Lindsay and I are making crèpes!!! yum...When she wakes up I'll suggest going to the store.

My ecology book/ genetics articles call....

State: Unmotivated, but less so than before.
Song: Aside and Everything Must Go - The Weakerthans

I had I great time tonight at Theater Sports. I had been invited before but I figured I would take my school buddies up on the offer finally. Wow... improv is great.

The best was when I didn't realize how far they would go with this pants no pants thing. I mean, I totally wasn't expecting to see four guys drop their pants tonight. It was awesome. Not to mention they were talking about fire hoses and such when they dropped them for the first time.

When I got home, Lindsay and Daynika were still up and there were still warm cookies on the table. Mmmm chocolate chip cookies.

I am already not looking forward to the later part of today. Yuck homework and biochem. I sound like I am treating biochem as a seperate entity. Well it is.... a seperate evil entity.

And as I have Safewalk training on Sunday, I need to get as much homework done tomorrow as possible. Which basically means I should go to bed and sleep. And so I will.... to infinity and beyond!!!!!

State: Very Happy- Laughter is the best medicine!
Song: Theater Sports mix... which kinda sounds like music from about 3 years ago, music I recall listening to in Ricki's convertable.

For some reason, I always wake up feeling more like writting than when I go to sleep. It is quite weird. Maybe because I'm more refreshed and have less cluttering my mind at that point.

I have decided I am inept with boys (or men or whatever you want to call guys around my age). For some reason, I am unable to break the ice with them randomly (I am well aware of how this might sound and I am talking about talking to them- nothing more) and usually need someone to introduce me to someone before I feel confortable talking to them. I think this is some sort of defence mechanism thing. I've been hurt a few times and I guess I'm "protecting" myself. Well, I'm sick of protecting myself. It's easy to just say stop doing it... I've actually lived like this for much longer than even I might think. I mean, I was picked on in all through elementary and jr. high and I think this led to me closing up to the opposite sex. Granted, once I know a guy for awhile and I guess after I have made sure they won't completely emotionally-rape me I can open up quite easily (well relative to before).

I don't know... this is something I am working on and probably will be working for awhile. I guess I should head off to my lab... I really don't want to go, but alas it must be done.

State: pensive

Okay... not much to say. I got the top part of my ear pierced yeterday and I am quite happy with it.

I have been rather unproductive as of late and this bothers me.

Anyhow... I have a morning lab tomorrow. Sleep calls.

State: tired, zombie like
Song:Brother Down- Sam Roberts

Well it's early this morning and I'm already not making sense. I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting day. Instead of going to bed at midnight when I hould have, I proceeded to have a lenghty three hour discussion with Lindsay and Daynika about sex. It was highly entertaining as this is one of out favourite topics to talk about. I apparently I'm willing to sacrifice my precious sleep in order to engage in such interesting conversation.

So if I am a grouch today, it is my own damn fault. I'll probably still complain though. OR just find some random bench to sleep on and miss my classes. I'm feeling surprisingly awake considering my 4 and half hours sleep.

I guess I should get my ass into gear as I need to be leaving for school soon.

State: Bright eyed, all things considered.
Song: Bubble Toes-Jack Johnson

Okay, I was just looking at the layout of my last blog with all the pictures... and it looks horrible, but I really don't care.

Anyhow, on to more important things. I woke up this morning at 4:00 am. That's right... 4. I fell asleep again until about 5:15 and then never really fell sleep again. I felt like I might have been on the verge of sleep right when my alarm woke me up. If I didn't have a group meeting for my Ecology lab, I wouldn't have gotten up. And I still feel like doing very little. I should go make my lunch right now so that I can justify money spent on food this weekend, and the money I will be spending later this week. I just don't feel like it though.

I woke up feeling very frustrated and that feeling has grown over the two hours that I couldn't sleep. Frustrated on many different levels. And I feel like swearing a lot. In the words of my dear roommate when she is frustrated, "Fuck, shit, fuck!". That sums it up quite well.

State: A rainbow of frustration.
Song: This is Everything- Tegan and Sara

Seeing as I haven't done any real posting for awhile I think I'll do one now. I think I can still justify not doing homework right now.

I think I'll start with the pictures of my places and work into the more boring um I mean equally exciting world of school.

Okay so this first picture is of my bed where I do most of my sleeping. Sometimes the bed is used for doing other things such as reading for classes but generally I try and stay away from that as it usually result in me sleeping on the textbook. Sometimes people come in and sit on my bed and talk to me, so I guess you could say that it is a pseudo-couch. I really just wanted to use the work "pseudo".Okay enough about my bed.

This next picture is my desk. I'd like to say that I do a lot of studying here, but I really don't. The only time I got a lot of studying done on that desk was during final exams and frankly I think the desk is tired. I eat breakfast there and do my computer stuff, print off notes for classes and do assignment there but real studying gets done else where. In fact, I don' t think I've studied at this desk all weekend. Man, I'm getting myself far behind. It is so funny how one resolves not to procrastinate during final exams and then that all goes to shit once the new term starts.

The four above pictures are of our living room. Nothing too exciting, very funtional. I mean when you have a big screened tv and numerous DVD's what more could you want?

Okay, this is basically our kitchen. It isn't much but it certainly does the job. I mean our stove works, we have running water and a decent sized fridge. We spend quite a bit of time in here. Sometimes I do homework on the table. For the longest time we only had one kitchen chair. That was quite annoying, but I quickly changed that when I came home from thanksgiving with a chair.

These three pictures are from the area around my house. The first on is of the house behind or in front of ours depending on the direction you come from. The second one is the house on the corner near my house. I walk by it if I ever take the bus to school. The third is a picture of University Ave. Sometimes I walk down this street to go to school. It is much prettier than the main road and I like to look at the houses.

This is the Whyte ave. Before the end of exams last term I had been inside relatively few of the shops that line this street. Mostly, Daley and I just walk up and down and go into Chapters. I mean there isn't much to do here in Edmonton. Really... other than drinking, watching movies and walking there isn't much to do.

So that is about it. This really isn't that exciting of a post but I guess I'll give some recent happening. This weekend has gone by so fast. Really. It feels like yesterday that it was Friday. I had fun on Friday. I have to admit I was very antisocial, but I guess I didn't feel like meeting people and being all fake nice and such. Especially when the people are so drunk they probably won't remember me. It's just not worth the effort. I was entertained by Daley... I'm not sure if he was drunk or not, but he was funny. Or maybe that is just because I was drinking... hmm I don't know. We went to BP's and ordered some food and that was good. Then I came home and watched the end of Dirty Dancing with Lindsay. They we talked for awhile and I went to bed at 3:00 am.

Saturday was rather uneventful. I had no desire to do anything and thus did practically nothing. I hate that. Lindsay's friend Daynika came and I cooked them dinner. It was quite good. Today we went to the Sugarbowl for Brunch and it was good as always.

I have once again done practically no homework. I'm hoping to get more done tomorrow as I am going to school early to meet my group for Ecology. yuck. I'm going to a potluck tonight and that should be fun.

I had a whole bunch of thoughts about how I am feeling and such right now, but this post is already really long and I talk about it later. I'm too tired now.

State: Tired, motivationless, among other feelings
Song: Shut up!- Black Eyed Peas

My plan was... well my plan was to do a lot of thing, but such plans don't always workout. Anyhow, What I wanted to do on here is post some pictures of my place that I have taken in the past little while but I guess that will have to wait for a time where I am less tired and actually want to post.

Wow, I still don't really have anything to say...

State: Where have all my thoughts gone?
Song: Gandalf- Johann De Meij

Wow... look at the ugly colours I got. If you want to take the test it's kinda interesting,
click here to go.

You're an Investor
By focusing on what others need, you learn the exact value and potential of each person in different situations. You instinctively know how motivated others are in supporting you. This helps you surround yourself with the right people.


The passionate you is a fast-thinking, logical self-starter. You ask pertinent questions with a no-nonsense style. Then, you tend to blurt out the obvious. You make sure that essential needs are met and you invent better ways.


The centered you contemplates how to better direct your life. You know the advantages and consequences of taking an action. When all is quiet within, you decide where to make positive changes.


The emotional you needs to feel grounded. Reality can be disappointing. Accept each situation's truth and each person's motivation before you act. Ensure that your empowering determination is focused on agendas that can be accomplished.

I'm going to go make supper now... perhaps I will actually post later today.

State: Hungry

It's weird. I really haven't felt like posting anything for awhile. I have no idea why. I just haven't. My head hurts right now and I think it is because I am dehydrated.

It's so hard to get back into posting when one has been negligent for so long.

So this is it for now.

Song: Extraordinary- Liz Phair
State: My head is pounding and thus I am off to bed...

Okay, I just spent the past few hours looking at job postings mainly for the summer. It's insane how many jobs for the summer must be applied for right now in order to get them. I applied for a few government jobs and that's it for now. I think I shall contact my reference people to make sure they still remember me and are willing to give a reference.

Today, rather, yesterday was fun. I got to see Rachel for the first time since Christmas and that was really fun. I also studied with Daley for awhile and probably got more done than I normally would have.

Anyhow I'm tired and have no real insights to anything right now so I am going to bed.

State: Tired... and it's my own fault
Song: California- Phantom Planet

Well I'm going to post only because I haven't. I have not much to say right now. Bought all of my books. There weren't very many but they were expensive.

Lindsay lands today. Actually, she's probably landed right about now. I'm going to go shower so I don't look completely horrible when she comes.

Until next time when I have more to say....

A little update for everyone... I had an awesome time last night. I thought I was going to have another boring night of either sitting in front of the computer or the TV wishing I was out somewhere when I get a phone call from Jane at 9:30 asking me if I either wanting to go Kareoke or to eigties metal with Micki and her friend Melissa. Couldn't find a good kareoke place so we went to meet micki and her friend at Morgan's on 17th for eighties metal. The bouncers were mean and wouldn't let us in, so we talked to micki and she said she would meet us up later and off to the Ship and Anchor Jane and I did go.

The Ship had a line, but it moved quickly and soon we were in the warm and smokiness of the bar. Got our drinks- a free pepsi for me as I was driving and a Keith's for Jane. Shortly after that we found a table and laughed at the wonderfully hokey music they were playing- as a pub should.

Micki and her friend joined us after about a half hour which was nice. She almost didn't come, but Jane smooth talked her into it- not that that was very hard. So we spent the next three hours catching up on old times and laughing at me being hyper. Apparently I don't need alcohol to act stupid around my friends.

Brought Jane and Micki home, which was also an adventure. They kept trying to give me directions, but um I'm not sure they were really in any state to give me such directions so I just blocked them out and went my own way and that worked out fine.

Got home at the wonderful hour of 3:15 am. I couldn't sleep... I've discovered this not sleeping to now not be an effect of alcohol so much (I always thought it was) but more the effect of staying up far to late past my sleepiness time. It's okay, I'll sacrifice sleep for my friends. I have pictures of this night- but they are far to embarassing to post so I won't... well not without permission and I don't think I'll et that.

We are going shopping today which should be fun. Anyhow... I should go shower because I am meeting them at 1:00 pm. Bye for now and Happy New Years Everyone!

State: Very Tired
Song: none... too tired to think of song

Man, this week has been a real rollercoster ride. One minute I'm happy and the other I'm in tears. I had a wonderful afternoon with my father. We went out for lunch and saw the Last Samurai. It was a much better movie than I expected. Of course a warning- if you are emotional like me you might spend the last hour crying.

Despite the sad movie I was happy when I got home. Jane had called when I got home. I called her back. It was nice to talk to her. I guess I'm more angry, no not angry, hurt upset by the past couple days than I thought. I just , I don't know what I was thinking but for some reason I feel horrible. I don't know what to do. I know what I don't want to do, but I know I'll end up doing it anyhow so it doesn't matter.

Why am I unable to tell them how I feel? I think I'm mostly afraid of being blamed for whatever even when I will know that it isn't my fault. So I guess that's why I feel it best not to say anything at all. Why do I keep my emotions so bottled up? It isn't healthy. Sometimes I keep my emotions so tightly under wraps that I don't even know myself what I am feeling.

I think I am going to go rent myself a funny movie to cheer myself up. Maybe it will keep me from crying for a couple of hours. I hope I don't regret posting this later. Oh who gives a fuck anymore?/

State: Upset and Distraught
Song: Divided- Tegan and Sara

Today was a good day. I'm feeling better about life in general today. I decided when I was going back to Edmonton too. I decided that Friday is the day. So if my friends can't see me before then, then I guess they won't be seeing me. There isn't much else I can do. Besides, I turned the heat down in my house and I have to get up there before it hits minus 29.

I don't know what I will do for New Years, but I'm hoping I'll do something good. Last New year's was pretty great, but I have a feeling this year's won't be like that. Just a feeling. It's pretty hard to have New Years we people that you can't get a hold of. I just don't want to get my hopes up so that they don't get crushed. I have a tendency of doing that.

Sigh... so yeah. I'm kind of excited to go back to Edmonton. This holiday was good, it made me realize what I like about Edmonton. Not to mention what I don't like...

I've also decided I want to take a wine tasting course. Who knows when that is going to happen though. I don't know why I have the desire to take a wine tasting course but I do. Maybe because I'd like to know a bit more than I do now. Right now I pick wine out based on the attractiveness of the label. I want that to change.

Anyhow, I think I'll go read my book. I'm reading Crossroads of Twilight By Robert Jordan. I'm feeding my silly addiction to the Wheel of Time that I started unknowingly in grade seven. Hmmm I'm really enjoying this digital camera. How fun.

State: Better than yesterday
Song: Nothing in particular- I like One Thing - Finger Eleven and Just Me- Tegan and Sarah

Okay- I was talking to Roy online and he said the following that made me laugh and cheered me up: "I love people, just not most of them." Sigh, I can always count on him to cheer me up.

Right now I am planning what courses I will take in years 3 and 4 of my degree. That's right aka- Lisa is a big geek. I'm not even sure I want to continue with this degree.

State: I think I'll go sit at Table 9- with the rest of the freaks...
Song: Wishing you were somehow here again- The Phantom of the Opera

I can't post what I want to post. I just can't bring myself to do it.

State: puzzled and upset with myself
Song: Fallen- Sarah McLaughlan

Hmmm... An interesting thought just occured to me. I'm wondering if all of my indecision on whether I still wanted to pursue genetics was mostly due to other people questioning my degree path?

I don't know why I like it- but I do. There are parts that I don't like... like bacterial genetics doesn't really excite me that much... but I am really looking forward to taking GENET 275- genetics of higher organisms. It is all the stuff I loved about my last genetics course and it sounds like fun.

I also think I am nuts to be thinking about school right now. I guess it just popped into my head. Okay, back to being on holidays and not thinking about school related stuff.

State: Pensive

I think I might be having too much fun with this new digital camera I got for christmas. What I really should be doing right now is sleeping and not playing with posting pictures on the web. Oh well, I don't have much else to do. I've been having fun fiddling with html and making tables to put my pictures in. I haven't figured out how to put the picture title below the picture instead of above. I think it kinda looks sill the way I have it but I haven't figured out how to tell the computer to do that so guess I'll have to live with it. I think spent I little too much time working on something as simple as what I have been doing. But I guess that is all part of the learning process.

It took me long enough to get the picture to show up where I wanted them in the entry let alone get the text to wrap around the picture. I think I am getting the hang of it. I'll post the other pictures that I was working with just for fun. I'm still having a bit of trouble, and I'm really just typing all of this so that I can take up space. I'm sure I have something meaningful talk about- actually I'm sure I do, but I don't feel like it right now. Or maybe I do and I am do playing a game? I guess we'll never know because I am just rambling about nothing right now.

Time for another picture. This was my just playing around with the camera and I kinda liked the effect. I wasn't posing or anything. I guess I wasn't really aware that I was taking a picture of myself however that works and that is what came out. Oh boy, after this entry people are really going to think I am nuts. That's what happens when you isolate me in my home for awhile. The isolation is my own fault. I don't call anyone so how can I expect to do anything with anyone? I can't. It doesn't work that way and I know it. So tomorrow I am going to call some people and do something with myself. Not that I didn't do anything today. I went shopping and bought some cool clothes with my christmas money. I just want to see people before I go back to Edmonton and I am running out of time.

hmmm I'm just thinking: I need to get out more. Before I drive myself nuts. I watched Freaky Friday tonight with my mom. I actually enjoyed it in a weird reliving my youth kinda way. Man, I sound so old. I really need to get out more.

State: Feeling Old
Song: My Number- Tegan and Sarah

To start off: Merry Christmas Everyone!

sigh... unfourtunately I had to get sick right before christmas. I'm not really sick, but just sick enough for it to be annoying.

Only mark I don't have is psych- which I'm not too worried about. Genetics came in at a relatively unsurprising A- so I'm happy that I didn't stress myself over studying for that one.

So far this year I'm doing better than last year. I've probably said that before... I'm kinda hazy right now due to my cold.

I feel like I am running out of time to do everything I want to do. I never seem to get anything I want to get done... well done.

Anyhow I should end this so I can get some stuff done. Going to a movie later today with my mom. That should be fun.

State: So much to do, so little time

Yay! I got my biochem mark back and ended up with a B. This is good. So far my average is a steady 3.3 which is where I'd like it to be. I hope it either gets higher with my genetics mark and my psych mark or stays the same. That would rock.

Had an awesome time with Rachel and Jane today. It was great... we hung out and OD'ed on sugar and chocolate. Finally decided to go for a walk which is one of my favorite activities and then proceeded home to make dinner. Had a hot tub while we waited for our guests to arrive... and then we ate our wonderful feast.

Rachel had to go home so after she left we played cards with Jane's cousins. It was good fun. Introduced young Nat to the game of president and also played a very rowdy game of spoons. I love that game... highly addictive. So is president, but Jane and I were summoned to clean up our kitchen mess before we could really get hooked in.

Then she drove me and now I am here. I think now I should go to bed after my endlessly fun day.

State: Enjoying the holidays :)
Song: Possesion- Sarah McLaughlan

I am now two thirds of the way through watching the 2nd season of sex and the city and I understand a lot more about the current season now that I've seen the background.

I got the sweetest jacket at value village today. It comes to about my knees and it is green with toggles. I love it... my dream jacket you might say. And all for the low Value Village Price of 20$. It looks like it costs about 120$ at least and it looks like it has bearly been used.

The holidays are going by fast... and I've hardly done anything.

Going to see Jane and Rachel tomorrow. That should be fun. I guess I don't have much to talk about.

I had a great dream last night. Great and yet I awoke feeling so alone. Most of the dream was spent cuddling in the arms of this really handsome guy. Nothing kinky... just cuddling. It was so nice. I didn't want it to end. But alas all good things must come to an end.

I could go on and on and complain more and more about my loneliness- but that really isn't going to do anything about it. So I won't.

I think I'll go to bed instead. Goodnight...

State: Same old
Song: Fear- Sarah McLaughlan

phew... I hurt. Today I used muscles I forgot existed. Went up to Kicking Horse with Jane and Caimin for Calgary Day which meant lift tickets were only 10$. I had never been up to Kicking Horse and for the most part I really enjoyed it. One thing they don't have there is good signage... I never really knew what runs I was on or what difficulty they were. It was funny because usually I warm myself up on the first run and do something easy so I can remember and the important stuff, like how to turn and such. But the lift at Kicking Horse takes you right up to the summit. hehehe so my first run was a black with lots of bumps and some powder that I did a face plant into.

My first run was probably the longest run I've ever done in my whole life and it was great. I even went into the trees a bit- my own choice and that was fun.

After lunch, I had another great but short run. Short because I couldn't figure out what run I wanted to take and ended up taking the stupid traverse the whole way down. But that's okay because my next run made up for it. That run I found some great bumps that were nice and soft. Because of the funny signage I though I was going on blues but then I would be on them and I'd be like this feels a lot more like a black- blues are usually groomed and such and don't have huge bumps and stuff. But then I was like- meh whatever I'm enjoying it so who really cares what they are. I kinda got stranded on the one side from this awesome run I had found and had to jump over this creek thing to get back to where I could get the gondola. hehehe that was amusing. But no one was around to laugh at me so I guess I was just laughing at myself.

So that was my wonderful day and skiing. Jane and I talked about going out dancing tonight but as you can see I think we both came to our senses and decided to not push our bodies much farther tonight.

I think I will have sweet snowriding dreams tonight...

State: Very sore, but blissful
Song: Summertime- Sublime

Ahhh... much better mood tonight. I love the bus service now. Got myself to Jane's house in just under a half hour and had to wander around Kensington so that I would be sure not to get to her house too early. She had already been woken up at nine with a phone call from Halifax though, so really I could have gone in.

We went to the Kilnary and I made presents for my step mom and my dad. I really hope they turn out.

Finally watched Finding Nemo... sigh. I love that movie. It is so great.

Must sleep... awakening in 5 hours and 45 minutes to go skiing... or snowblading whatever I might choose.

State: So normal= so great
Song: Beyond the Sea

And now for something a little more serious.... I think.

I guess I have been thinking too much tonight. About what you might ask? Or not. I'm not sure I even care to answer that question. Or that anyone really cares to know the answer.

Most of the time I feel like I'm an open book, and for the most part I am. I hide very little of what I am feeling from people. Or at least this is what I'd like to believe. It's the lie I tell myself. The feelings I hide from others are the same feelings I hide from myself otherwise I wouldn't be able to hide them. That's the way I work. Even I don't want someone to know how I am feeling, if I am aware of the way I feeling, it is very hard to hide the truth. I don't even know where I am going with this entry.

So maybe I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling right now. What good is a university English class if I can't even articulate how I feel? Not that I learned anything in that course. Maybe how to B.S. my way through English essays while remaining concise. I've strayed off topic...

What I have been thinking about tonight really hasn't changed much from any other night or day lately. Where am I going in life? What I am I going to do? And more importantly: Why I am doing what I am doing right now? I enjoy the classes or at least I have myself convinced I do. What I am not happy with is the amount of time I seem to have devoted to school. All I do is eat sleep and study and this has made me a dull person. It's all I talk about, because it is all I do. I've submersed myself in school and lost myself along the way. Maybe I'm not lost. But I certainly feel mechnised or something or that sort. Sometimes school, let alone living in Edmonton, doesn't feel real. It feels like I've been transported to some sort of alternate universe. Maybe that's why I could never settle in Edmonton. Although the city exists, it doesn't feel real to me. I don't feel alive there. As much as I'd like to stay there to keep my place and not have to move all my stuff back to Calgary and try to find a job here, I'm not sure I'd be able to stay there for the summer.

A month ago yesterday I wrote an entry (november 17) about my confusion about what I want to do with my life. I still don't really know. But I think through the course of studying for my psych exam I decided I don't really want a degree in that. I still might want to do some sort of counselling type thing, but I'm not sure I could concentrate all of my energy to that cause. I think I honestly do like the courses I just finished (minus biochem). It's hard to really like something when you have to constantly defend why you like it. Or maybe I don't really like it and I'm just trying to defend my choices to myself. That statement seems like an outright lie to me though.

I just wish I'd stop feeling so empty inside. I wish I was less confused. I wish I could stop thinking for a moment so I can enjoy my holidays. I guess I go to bed as there is no one online to talk to and I probably have to get up at a half decently early hour so I can make it to Jane's by 10.

Goodnight.

State: Confused, empty and alone...
Songs: Deliver me - Moist and The Scientist- Coldplay

Another mark has come in and the verdict is good :) A- in microbiology, the course I thought might kill me. Or was biochem the course I thought might kill me? hmm it still might.

I'm very happy, so far so good as far as my marks are concerned.

Got out of the house today which is always nice. I think I remember chinooks being warmer than this, but any chinook is better than no chinook at all.

Going to see Jane tomorrow at 10. That should be fun...

It's too cold to be sitting in my basement. So I'm going to go.

State: Enjoying the holidays

So I'm home now. And boy does it feel good. I don't think Edmonton will ever be more to me than the place I go to school. I don't know it like I know Calgary. And as corny as this will sound Edmonton hasn't ingrained itself into my soul. I think I will always be Calgarian at heart. There are even other places in Canada that feel more like home to me than Edmonton. For example- Montreal. I love that city and I feel very at ease there- almost like I have a connection with the city. And I don't feel that as much with Edmonton. hmmm Maybe I'm not compatible.

I did another silly quiz. No surprises here.

The Moon: The moon signifies the subconscious, the
dream world, imagination, fluctuation,
intuition, occult power, hallucination, hidden
forces, deception, and creativity. It denotes
the subconscious, dreams, illusion, mystery,
storms weathered, uncertainty, deception, a
loved one's misfortune, or an emotional crisis.


Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Anyhow, I think that now that I have checked my mail and my grades for the day (of which there was nothing new) I think I'll end this.

State: Pretty Happy
Song: California- Phantom Planet

So I started off this evening by watching Episodes 4, 5, 6 of season one of Sex and the City and that made me happy because it's about four single women and they are often just as alone as I am (just as often not- but that's beside the point). I really liked the last episode I watched on secret relationships. It was intruiging. I don't know- there is something very real about that show. Maybe not so much the story lines, but the feelings and ideas in the show are very real. It always manages to make me laugh and make me feel good about being single.

I just finished watching the lastest episode of the O.C.. I'm really not sure why I am addicted to a stupid teen soap, but I am. It always somehow makes me feel crappy though about being alone. I mean- you would think that because I can watch Sex and the City and their countless sexual escapades that I'd be able to watch people on the O.C. kiss. I'm able to watch, but no fail it makes me feel so lonely. There is entirely too much kissing on that show. Wow, I sound bitter. Well maybe I am. You might be too if you have gone as long as I have without kissing anyone.

I think I'm going to go watch episode 7 of Sex and the City to make myself feel better.

State: Bitter
Song: One- Aimee Mann

YAY! I'm done. The exam wasn't so bad and I must have done okay on my anthro final because I ended up with a B+. Considering the effort I didn't put into that course I'm happy. I like options that don't require a lot of work and give me decent marks!

too excited to type anything!

State: Huge weight lifted off my shoulders
Song:All or Nothing - Athena Cage

I don't know why I feel the need to post again. Maybe because I have no one here to freak out to. Instead of studying I spent an hour and half talking on the phone with Rachel. We had a nice conversation but then I decided I should go.

I feel like I haven't studied enough and that I am not ready. This isn't really what concerns me. What concerns me is that I am not concerned about this. I'm no freaking out like I did before biochem. Maybe I do know the stuff. I have no idea. That's what scares me. Oh well not much I can do about that. Perhaps I'll go to bed and sleep so I don't make stupid mistakes. That sounds good. Now the question is whether or not I'll do it. hmmm

State: Falsely confident.
Song: Where is the Love? - The Black Eyed Peas

Okay... I've been getting more done. Not much more. But more. I'm going to keep doing problems... but I think I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I might read over my notes on this last stuff one more time so I know what is going on with the DNA fingerprinting and such.

Bedtime soon... yay! Then I can stop studying :)

State: All studied out
Song: Where is the Love?- The Black Eyed Peas (I've had it on repeat for I don't know a few hours now...)

Ahh... new strong bad e-mail.

I wish I had some caffeine.

hehehe

Strong Sad + caffeine = SCIENCE

Click Here to see new strong bad e-mail!

Today I have to get stuff done. That's all there is to it. I'm just going to have to pretend I'm motivated and get some studying done. And I say pretend because I will be pretending.

It's still too quiet in my house.

I had funky weird dreams last night. It was weird- it all took place at the unversity- but a messed up version of the U of A campus. And everyone in band from high school was taking the same classes as me. And I was going to be late for my microbiology lab and it was in some weird underground place. So I asked someone how to get there. And they told me. But then Caitlin wanted me to go look at something before we went, even though I was already running pretty late having to walk from the other side of campus. Before she could show me what she was going to show me, Daley walks up to us of and announces that he's bought us each a pack of gum. Yes that's right-gum. I got spearmint, caitlin got Eucalyptus and Daley bought himself pepper mint. Then I said that we'd better hurry or we won't get any chocolate. Caitlin told me not to worry and we didn't go in for a few minutes longer. Finally I decided to go it... and they followed me and there were no seats left. I sat beside people I went to elementary school and junior high with. And the worst part of the dream: I didn't get any chocolate. And the it kinda switched and I was watching this show about U.F.O.'s and how they have video's and stuff to support their existance and the U.F.O.'s was searching around with this circular beam thing and then suddenly it disappeared. And then I woke up.

Okay, off to be productive.

State: Motivationless
Song: One- Aimee Mann

Didn't get nearly as much done today as I would have liked. I think I was too lonely. The silence of the house was really distracting me. I tried putting some music on, but that didn't help much.

So I walked to Safeway and bought myself half a litre of Haagen Daaz Vanilla Caramel Brownie and some candy canes. The candy canes are for studying tomorrow. The Haagen Daaz was for tonight. I left half for tomorrow- I case I don't learn enough genetics to feel good about the exam. I didn't feel like doing anything so I decided to do genetics problems while watching Amelie. I ended up doing one problem and the rest of the time was spent eating ice cream and just watching. I love that movie... I really relate to Amelie. I'm her before she gets the guy. Hopefully one day my story will have a happy ending.

*light bulb flashes above Lisa's head* It's just dawned on me why I feel this shitty. The fact that I am all alone in my house and have no one to talk to right now doesn't help but the real reason is PMS. Stupid hormones. Bad timing grrrr... I have a lot a power over how I feel most of the time. This is one of those time I have none. Unless I can start controling my estrogen and progesterone levels. hmmm what a novel idea.

State: Lonely, Frustrated, Annoyed, and disappointed
Song: Lonely Day- Phantom Planet

sigh... I wish I was done exams. I've had enough of this studying business. Studying is going okay. I just hope I don't walk into the exam and everything there be ten times harder than anything I've ever seen before. Mind you, I'd still probably find answers are such... hmmm.

I'm working on epistasis right now. Not that any of you know or care what that is. Well lets just say it complicates the mendelian inheritance thing. I thought it would be much harder than it is. Although some of the questions do make you want to say, "WTF?"

Granted, I still haven't practiced drawing out my inversion loops. I'm not going to explain what those are. I don't want to and you really wouldn't want to know.

I'm liking this not have to memorize a whole lot of crap thing though. I'm sick of memorizing stuff. Happy to have a nice straightforward (hopefully) problem solving exam.

I guess my genetics text book is getting lonely now that I've left him by himself for a little while... I should get back.

State: Studying against my will...
Song: Sick Cycle Carousel- Lifehouse

I'm wondering right now why I am up at 10 to 6 in the morning. Perhaps because I couldn't sleep. Yes, I think that's it. sigh... and it's not like I'm not tired. I'm really tired. I just can't seem to sleep.

I had really weird dreams last night (in the 6 hours I slept that is). The only part of my dreams that I can remember is that I drank two bottles of wine by myself over the course of the dream sequence. Two bottles of red wine no less- both different kinds of red wine. It started with going to brunch at some restaurant and for some reason I wanted wine and thus ordered it. It was really good wine... complemeted the breakfast quite well. Maybe that's something that should be invented- breakfast wine. Anyhow, I digress. A bunch of stuff happened in between I can't quite remember- and then I stopped for supper at Earls with Lindsay and we ordered a bottle of wine and I ended up drinking most of it. You'd think I'd be hammered by now, but in the dream I was not. I then preceded to go to the airport and at security they had somehow found out about the bottle of wine I drank at breakfast and were all like, "So what did you eat this morning?" and I said, "Breakfast." and they were like, "Anything to drink?" and I said, " I think I may have had a bottle of wine." And then they wouldn't let me past security and I woke up.

So I'm an alcoholic in my dreams, an insomniac in real life and I'm starting to wonder if this is my brain's way of telling me to stop studying. hmmm - Well if it is- sorry brain- looks like you are going to have to work a little bit longer. Oh my, I'm really losing it. Talking to my brain and such. I think I'll go now before people think I'm completely loony. hehehe Not like they don't already.

State: Lacking sleep
Song: No Sleep- The Cardigans

Well psych is over now and I think it went okay. I know I would have done better had a not studied it all the day of and day and night before but that is my own fault. I'm kinda mad that I screwed myself out of getting a really awesome mark in that course. The exam was really fair and if I had just spent a little more time during the term learning about perception... Oh well, I'd rather sacrifice that mark a little and do okay in everything and not fail anything.

That's 4 down and 1 to go. So happy I'm almost done... and that I finally can focus my attention to genetics. Which shall be fun because I get sick pleasure from doing genetics problems... it's really sick. Even I think it is sick.

Lindsay is leaving tomorrow morning and it's kinda sad. The house will be so empty. Without her or Daley here, how will I distract myself?I'm sure I'll find ways... although seeing as we are cleaning right now I won't be able to do that.

Oh well, not much to say. I guess I'll stop.

State: Almost relaxed... but still not completely- still one exam you see

Finally done reading all of my psych. I wouldn't be surprised if I don't do so hot on this exam. Although, even if a I didn't write the exam I'd walk out passing the course (with a D though... and I don't want one of those). I'm just hoping the multiple choice gods are on my side today.

I'm certain I know enough to pass, but I kinda wanted to do well. hehe I guess it is a little late for that. :)

Well I should get going. Last chance review session for genetics to attend before I write this psych exam...

State: Curious as to what my performance will be considering the variables. A little test of my short-term (or "working memory")
Song: Sexy Plexi- Jack Johnson- lets just say Lindsay and I have been listening to Jack Johnson's Brushfire Fairytales on repeat for the past week.

About half way through reading the 200 pages (and that isn't an exaggeration- Chapters 5 through 9 of Peter Gray's Psychology or pages 161-363) of psych I probably should have read during the term but couldn't because of lack of time and um forgetting about the course because I only had it once a week.

Mind you, this is the most enjoyable cramming experience I have had thus far. Tons of information, but at least I don't have to decode it before I memorize it. sigh... well I should get back to work... still 100 pages to go.

State: in the psych zone
Song: Where is my mind?- The Pixies

Biochem was horrible.

I'm just happy it is done.

State: Happy I only have two exams left.

sigh... I keep repeating to myself that I can pass this course. I guess deep down inside I want to more than pass biochem. I only need 30% on the exam to pass, but I'm not sure if they have some policy that doesn't let you do that. Anyways, I want more than 30%...

I guess we'll just see how it goes...

State: The smile is gone, reality has set in.
Song: Closing Time - Leonard Cohen

One down, three to go and the first one was just swell.

hehehe Why are the bacteria happy?(And it's not because they are having sex.) Why is Lisa happy? (And it's not because she is having sex.) It's because her micro prof gave her a nice gift in the form of a final exam.

I think he really did want to bring our averages up.

Anyways- back to the studying.

State: Big smile on my face because I am not thinking about how little I know about biochem for my exam tomorrow. And I found today's micro exam almost enjoyable.
Song: Ain't no Mountain High Enough

Sigh... Well here is my update. I did much better than expected on the evil lab exam from hell. A whopping 72% which sits me at 74% in the course, not bad at all. I'm feeling okay about the material. Now it just depends on how the test goes down and how he asks questions and such. It is no longer in my control anymore. I stayed up until 2 last night being quizzed out of my mind by Lindsay and got a good 7 hours sleep and I am feeling quite refreshed.

I probably won't feel very refreshed when I get home and have to study for my biochem exam. Oh well, c'est la vie. At least it is only tomorrow afternoon again. And then I get a day break! Woo hoo!

Well, I'm going to go shower and ready myself.

Song: Bubble Toes- Jack Johnson
State: Trying to get into "the zone" for my exam

I should be in bed sleeping, but alas I am not. I just needed to get my thoughts out for the day. Unfourtunately, I think I might have forgotten everything that I was going to talk about.

Oh right... weird dream last night. It think it might be all the studying. I no longer feel like I am going to fail any of my exams. Note the word feel... I have made considerable progress in the past four days. The most in these past two "less is more" days. I however still have a lot of details to memorize for my microbiology final. I'd be happy with getting the same mark as I got on my midterm which was almost 70% and it isn't curved so I'd probably get a B/B- with that and I'd be happy with that.

I've decided to stick with my schedule next semester. I need to find out the hard way whether I truly want to continue on in genetics. It isn't a bad semester when I don't think about the hell that will be my exam week. But that's a long ways off and maybe I'll be better at managing my time by then. ha... that's funny. I think I say that every semester. It's great.

I think I had something more important to say than what I wrote in this entry... meh. It's too late, I don't remember anymore.

I'm going to sleep so I can dream me some messed up dreams.

Song: Inaudible Melodies- Jack Johnson
State: Study mode, hopefully in retention mode as well...

hmmm so less is more. I'm liking this theory. I guess I'll see how it works on Tuesday. The past three days have gone by sooo quickly. And you know what's funny: I think I've gone out (yes I'm counting walking in this) more in the past four days than I have all term. Funny/crazy. I guess you could use both those words to describe me as well. I was just thinking about how I censor myself from myself. Yes that's right... self-censorship. aka- self deception. yeah... there are so many things that I would like to believe true of myself and I try to convince myself of these truths. And the thoughts I am suppressing really aren't healthy thoughts to be having about one-self. And I try and convince myself I don't have them. For example- I'd like to believe that someday someone will love me... but inside deep inside I think I carry the opposite belief. Weird and Sad... hmmm Anyhow... going to bed now so I can get an "early" start to the studying.

Song: It's All Understood- Jack Johnson
State: Pensive... and in the back of my mind still worried about exams

Okay... quiz time again...


Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you?

I better get back to work... it's going much better today though.

Less is more.
Quality over quantity.
I think I may even be able to master this proteins thing yet.
However, my back is killing me.
All the stress has gone right to my back, sending shooting pain though it.
Damn.
Wow... this is short. So are my sentences.

State: rejeuvenated, but scared.

hole in lip getting bigger.
space in head getting smaller.
i'm starting to think less is more.

Okay, I found what Q10 is... if you are interested go here.

Quite a good explanation. Too bad my biochem prof didn't tell us what it is. It could have prevented me from wasting this hour.

Okay, well now that I solved that mystery... back to work.

I'm really frustrated with my biochem notes for the protein section. Makes me want to rip out my hair! ARGH! Does anyone know what the Q10 of a chemical reaction is? I wish I hadn't slept though the protein section now. Although I'm fairly certain I was awake during that lecture as I do have notes written on that lecture slide. I guess he failed to define Q10 or everyone else knows what it is.

Sigh... if I can just get through studying proteins I can move on to study the more fun and exciting: carbohydrates and metabolism!

State: Becoming more frustrated by the second...
Song: Between the Bars - Elliot Smith

I think I've reached max capacity on studying today so I think I'll stop. I guess I can let myself on my computer now with little ill effect.

Our power almost went out... weird.

so very tired... mayhaps I will just sleep.

goodnight!

Song: Makes No Difference- Sum 41 (no reason, it just keeps playing in my head)
State: brain dead

I'm refusing to go onto msn because if I do, I know that I can kiss getting a lot of studying done goodbye.

Trying to work on biochem but I hate the notes the biochem prof has for proteins. I'm not exactly sure I know what he wants us to know for the final and this is worrysome. I've already studied an hour for microbiology. Not that it will make a difference.

Sigh... well I guess I should get back to work. I think I am starting to remember why I hated biochemistry so much before we got our carbohydrates prof. I think it might be the proteins and my proteins prof.

State: Buried in notes and books
Worry: That I am never going to learn it all...
Song: study mix playlist- various artists- iTunes

Okay- so it is going to be hard to put into words the anger I feel right now toward a particular course.

I think the best way to do this would be to tell a little story...

The Tale of Lisa and the Super Evil Microbiology Lab Exam

12:49 pm
So I'm sitting in my biochemistry class anxiously waiting for it to end. For once our biochem prof doesn't go overtime and my lab partner and I race off to our microbiology class.

12:55 pm
So we made it through the crowds of people who wanted to take their time getting to whatever classes they probably didn't have. And now I was sitting getting reading to write the lab exam which I had thoroughly prepared for. I got my two pencils and one pen out and prepared my mental calculator (as they don't let you use calculators in microbiology). As I read the exam instructions, I realize that the exam is more than half multiple choice, each question worth 3 marks each. I try and take some deep calming breathes and block the noise of 400 talking students from my mind.

1:01 pm
Just before I am handed my exam, I wish Lindsay good luck and she wishes me the same. Then I begin the horrible exam. I flip through it once to see how more stuff is on there. 18 multiple choice and 4 full legal sized pages of short answers. I tried not to panic. I took some deep breathes and began the multiple choice. That wasn't going so well so I skipped to the written. Inside my mind was saying, "FUCK!!" I kept shaking my head. This wasn't happening. I knew my stuff so well and they give me this piece of shit exam that ended up being harder than my midterm that most people almost failed. So I did the best I could on what I did know how to do and made up some crappy-ass answers which in classes like organic chem might have gotten me some marks but in my microbiology if it isn't worded the way the stupid fucking anal T.A.'s want - then you're screwed. Run-on sentence I know... but I'm mad and therefore feel entitled to some crappy grammar!

1:51 pm
I hand in my exam. Looking at it for five minutes more wasn't going to get me to remember stupid information that they shouldn't have even been testing us on. I guess anything is fair game... but this was just cruel.

2:01 pm
Lindsay and I curse a lot as we head toward SUB.

Lindsay said, "Fuck that shit!"
Lisa said, "So much for THAT bringing my mark up..."

I split a Wunderbar with Lindsay. Chocolate usually makes us feel better. We both wish our ceilings had been high enough for her to keep her punching bag.

2:20 pm
I head home... Lindsay goes and studies with Princess. I stop for groceries... ~sigh~

So that's my story... now I think I'll take my anger out on the house and give it a nice good clean. Along with my room that is. I need to remove all procrastination methods so that I can get some pure gold study time in tomorrow.

bye for now...
State: Infuriated... but the anger is slowly ebbing
Song: I feel so - Boxcar Racer

I felt like writing, but i'm not sure what to write exactly. Yesterday and what seems like will be today as, well how do I describe this feeling? Ah I think I have found the words: numb and detached.

Feeling is almost always better than feeling nothing at all. As distracting as it was, I'd almost give anything to go back to being super confused (which I still am- but I'm just not feeling it anymore). It would almost be good to feel like this during exams, except for that it wipes away all motivation along with it.

I wish I could just laugh, cry, freak out, feel something.I also wish I could curl up into a ball and just sleep the feeling off. Alas, I can't. I need to get ready for school. Put on my yet to be cleaned clothes and drag my ass to school.

Mood: Numb and detached
Song: What you wish for- Guster

So all my T.A.'s e-mailed me back today on the dilution problem I was having trouble with and that was great. They all had a different methods of getting to the right answer and some of them were easier than others. I don't know where I am going with this- I guess I'm just glad they cared enough to e-mail me back.

My Micro prof is evil.... but I still think he is awesome. I think he likes bacteria more than he likes people. He was asking us today what we wanted to have on our final and he was like, "So because I am letting you guys pick was 10% of your exam is about does that mean I can make the rest of the exam as EVIL as I want?" and there was a resounding NO! from the 400 people in the lecture theater. It was funny... and yet scary. Speaking of scary, antibiotic resistance is really scary... I won't get into that. I think I'd probably bore everyone to tears- just remember: Not all bugs need drugs!

So yeah, I think I have come to terms with the fact that I don't know what I am going to do with my life at this point. I'm not sure if genetics is for me but I am also not sure if psych is for me. Maybe I should just abandon both of those ideas and do something entirely different. Who knows... I think I'll probably end up keeping next semester the way it is just because it is alot easier to switch into psychology or something else at a later date than it is to switch back into what I am doing right now.

So I'm feeling pretty good right now considering in about two and half hours I write a final. Normally, I'd be freaking out... it's kinda weird that I'm not. Meh... oh well. Not much I can do about that :) It's almost like I don't care... also very scary. But I'm pretty sure I do care... I'd just like to think I don't.

I'm also happy because they remarked all of the first midterms from my biochem class (for a reason that is still unknown to me- I actually was not aware that they were being remarked). I got three more point which gives me 67% instead of 63% and an overall mark going into the final of 75%. YAY! Not as much pressure...and the best part about that class is that it is not curved.

Okay- I've gone on and on about the my boring school filled life for long enough. Time for me to look over my anthro notes for the last time before my exam. Until next time- ciau!

Silly Quiz time again :)


You have a dominant kiss- you take charge and make
sure your partner can feel it! Done artfully,
it can be very satisfactory if he/she is into
you playing the dominant role MEORW!


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

It's funny, but probably true... not that I've been kissing anyone lately but if I was... I think I'll stop there.

As I never get much done here, I'm off to the library for some one-on-one action with my anthropology notes and my microbiology lab manual. It looks like it's going to be another hot day with the school books ;)

Okay- so the big bad genetics lab exam wasn't so big or so bad. I think it might have even gone well. But I won't go so far as saying that because it might curse it or something. Or maybe I was writing the wrong answers... hahaha wouldn't that be great? or not... ha.

I'm so out of it... it's like body or mind is saying, "Woah, WTF?"

Maybe it's the nuclear winter of the mind and I'm Australia. haha not quite and if you don't know what I am talking about- visit the End of the World link.

Okay... I'm getting microbiology read to me so will end this here.

State: Mentally and physically exhausted
Song: Glass Vase Cello Case -Tattle Tale

It feels like thursday- probably because I spent the day studying and tomorrow will not feel like a weekend day because of THE EXAM. And then Sunday will feel like saturday and Monday will feel like Sunday but wrong and I'll get to do the exam thing all over again. I feel like jelly. Think it might be the studying. mmmm bed mmmm. Not sure if I'll remember all I need to know. Hope my math skills (what little ones I have) don't fail me. I'm feeling kinda woosy, like I have been drinking. It's actually quite pleasant. Too bad the time before this was spent in a library with a bunch of wannabe doctors cuddled up to my genetics lab manual. My genetics book and I connected tonight. Wow I just typed that witt my eyes closed. Feeling this calm the night before an exam feels odd. And I sound strangely stoned. woah. Hopefully all goes well in exam land tomorrow. The question is: Have I prepared enough to go to exam heaven for three hours or will I be sent to exam hell with all the rest of the folk who failed to prepare themselves for the thing commonly known as : THE GENETICS LAB EXAM?

stay tuned until saturday aka the "real" friday of my week to find out the fate of Lisa vs. the evil GENETICS LAB EXAM...

So I went into see what I got wrong on my psych midterm. It was kinda funny actually. I knew the answers to three of the questions I got wrong but somehow picked the wrong one. And then the others were all pretty obvious as well.

And I had my last lab ever with my TA who doesn't speak english. In some ways, I felt really bad for him a lot of the time. And he was so cute today saying his goodbyes to us. He said that we probably weren't lucky to have him as a TA but that he was sure lucky to have us. And then he laughed and said he probably should have said that before the TA evaluations. I feel bad and I think I'll go to his review session- providing it is just an opportunity to get questions answered. I might just work in the room and ask questions if I need to.

And I still don't know what I want to do with my life... but I'm wondering if anyone does really?

All I really want is simple: A job that satisfies me, someone to share my life with and to have good times with my friends and family. Is this really too much to ask?

And I wish I could get rid of the tension in my back.... damn stress all goes straight to my back... I wish I could have a back massage :)

I have three exams in the next five days so I'd better get back to studying. As usual...

mood: tense, very, very tense and oddly hyper- maybe I am just going crazy?
song: Rainy Days- Guster and Sick Cycle Carousel- Lifehouse

hehehe.. this made me laugh although I don't really agree with the reason or anything but I liked the picture so yeah... what am I talking about? the results to my lastest bout of quiz taking :)


Congratulations!! You're a shot of some good old
hard liquor!


What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

anyhow more studying to do than I have time... until next time adios :)

Well today shall be a busy one. I'm not liking this state of not knowing. This state of uncertainty. My only comfort is that everyone I know seems to have gone through this at some point, and really that isn't conforting at all.

I'm going to see the psych advisor today. I'm looking into switching out of science. It's something that actually scares me. I've been confortable with my decision to become a genetic counsellor for so long the prospect of doing something else is really scary. At the same time- so is the prospect of continuing on in biology and having to do a research project that I'm not sure, even after another year at university, that I'll be able to do. So that's where I stand right now...

You see, I'm not confident that I don't like what I am doing right now. I might like it... I'm really not sure... I'm not even sure that I really like psych. I either like it the same or equal or i don't know.

Anyhow I'm going to see the advisor just to see how much doing this year and a half in bio will put me back- if at all.

Okay... I'm going to stop rambling now. And get my butt to school so I can start working for the day :)

Okay it's that time of the week again... What time you ask? QUIZ TIME! I'm not sure I agree with my answer- but I'm happy I am the green tic tac!


You are Spearmint.
You are quick-witted and sharp. You pay close
attention to details and you can tell what your
friends are feeling. You are always the first
to understand a joke and you are valued for
your insight and advice. However, you
sometimes isolate yourself from other people,
afraid to share your own feelings.
Most Compatible With: Cinnamon


Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

not much to say...
song: Mr. Sandman- The Chordettes
mood: pretty good
activity: reading, reading and some more reading :)

Okay, so I still don't know what I want to do... but I have to get through this semester. I always knew that there was a possibility of not being totally enthused with the degree that I have decided to persue... but I'm not sure if I'm unenthused or if I am just burnt out.

hmmm that is the question...

but I also don't have time to think about all this... gobs of homework await. And I mean gobs.

Song: It's not going to stop- Aimee Mann
Mood: oddly happy despite my state of confusion

Okay... so I switched my schedule around for next semester... I think i like it better like this. hmm who knows- I guess I will see :)

I think some of my not knowing what to do may be due to the fact I am super burnt out right now. Which mean I have no desire to study.

On the other hand- I want to pass my biochem exam so I am going to get back to studying... :-P

Okay the resolution on this school computer is horrible, but I guess I will blog anyhow. Resolution does not impede typing it mere creates an eye-sore.

Okay- so I am highly confused. Highly. I'm starting to question what I want to do with my life. I don't know really... I hate this feeling. I hate not knowing... I need to make up my mind though or else I'll be wasting my time and money here at university. I know what I don't want to do. I guess that is a start. I've always known mostly want I don't want to do- it has never relaly been a problem for me. Picking between all of the things I am interested in and do want to do IS a big problem.

Okay- I still like science and I am enjoying my courses well enough- but I'm not sure I'm as passionate as I would think I should be about some of the stuff that I am studying. What I am getting at is that I am not sure I even really want to do a degree in genetics anymore. sigh... which was the whole big plan- but plans often don't work out the way you want them to. I like my genetics course and I think it is really cool- but I'm not sure I really care enough about it to do it in the detail my degree is going to require me to. I enjoy medelian genetics quite a bit and the molecular basis for in hereitance in human and stuff- all the really cool stuff. What I am not so hot on is a lot of the molecular stuff that we do... I don't think I'd really want to do research in it or anything like that. But that doesn't rule out genetic counselling which I still think I'd like a lot. The thing is- I have to get through all that stuff I don't like to have a degree so that I can even be eligible to apply for genetic counselling. There is a possibility that I won't even get accepted into one the three school that offer genetic counselling in Canada- which means I have to look elsewhere for school- like the states. And that is sure to burn a HUGE hole in my pocket. And then if I don't get into that I have start thinking of other career possibilities or be that person with two degrees that works at McDonald's.

Or I could drop the whole genetics degree thing- and just go for something entirely different - like psych or something. Which would probably make me insanely happy for awhile as all I would have to take in the next two years are tons of psych courses and tons of arts courses. But then I run into the same problem of not knowing what to do with the psych degree... I don't want to be a counsellor. ( Unless it involves genetics... haha) I was thinking psych research could be cool- I'll be in school for the next little while though - you know master's degree, then PhD, then post doctoral fellowship and then I'd probably end up being a psych prof because more researchers are professors unless you work for a private company. I have been less than successful in finding a master's program in something that combines genetics and psychology because that is what I am really interested in. I guess I'll continue my search for the illusive, non-existant graduate program and talk to my professors in the meantime and see what they think.

Or I could just get my science degree and then get an education degree and be a high school science teacher. I'd enjoy that... Except then I'd probably have to take physics and calculus (shudder).

I was also thinking of getting my degree in Medical Laboratory Science... it sounds pretty cool- but I'm not sure that it is really what I want. I have the marks to get in and I do enjoy that type of lab stuff... hmmm. I hate that I am interested in so many different things and that I can't seem to decide what it is I want to do...

Or I could hang out in the buisness building or dentistry pharmacy or medical science building and pick me up a future doctor and get married and have babies... j/k

If anyone out there reading this has any advice that would be great... if not so be it. I think I will end my longest blog entry ever and get back to work as I have a quiz in microbiology tomorrow morning and I have my last biochem midterm on wednesday. Until next time...

I took yet another quiz... this one a little odd- but I love Jack Sparrow so I couldn't resist.

You are "Welcome to the Caribbean, love."
You're more than a little world-weary, but also
intelligent and you keep your head when things
get dodgy. You're everybody's favorite
drinking buddy, but your stubbornness does get
in the way sometimes.


Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Break time over... biochem awaits ;)

Okay- procrastinating hard-core just took another useless quiz... I'm not sure I agree with the outcome but here it is:

Lord of the Rings!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

I guess I should get back to work...

Hmmm earlier I had tons to write about. Oh yes now I remember. Okay I am really annoyed... I haven't been sleeping well since I got back. It's horrible. Last night I woke up almost every hour... I was too hot most of the night. I going to try and go to bed early tonight- like 10:30 something like that.

And for something completely different: I'm so excited about the new Harry Potter Movie... that comes out months from now. The Trailer came out a few days ago.

I was fascinated by the quiz Daley had done on his blog as I study biological molecules- well all the time. Especially right now... but that is another story. So I took the quiz and I was pleasantly surprised by my result as I am a genetics major. It made me laugh.


You are DNA. You're a smart person, and you appear
incredibly complex to people who don't know
you. You're incomparably full of information,
and most of it is useless.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Anyhow- speaking of biological molecules I should get back to work... I have a biochem midterm on Wednesday that I am sooo not ready for.

No songs lately- no time to listen to music...
Mood: Kinda concerned about the possibility of failure in biochem...

I decided I really miss my friends.They are truly irreplaceable and unfourtunately scattered throughout the country.

Maybe that is the missing link...

hmmmm...

And I wish I was done copying out lindsay's notes so I can go to bed.... sigh mmmm sleep mmmm

Well after a wonderful five days with my friends in Victoria it is hard not to be bummed out. Really hard.

I spent the day doing biochemistry homework and I am hoping that some of the information when in because I really, really need to pass the midterm. Sigh... I wish I weren't so bummed out- then I might feel like doing homework more. But alas it is not so...

Maybe I should start by talking about my wonderful five days and maybe that will make me feel better. We can always hope. Okay- well Friday involved some visiting and watching half of a movie I fell asleep during so naturally I don't remember the name of the movie. We were awoken bright and early by Rachel and Craig... (7:00 am or something ridiculus like that) and that saturday morning was spent eating and lounging waiting to go hiking. Around 1 pm we headed out to our hike down to mystic beach. It was gorgeous but unfourtunately the sun sets early during the winter and we headed back home. Cornflake chicken was eaten and then we headed out for a night of dancing.

Sunday- we awoke early once again so that we could go kayaking. we spend a beatiful sunny afternoon on the ocean kayaking from Oak Bay to Cordova Bay. That night was spent making pasta- which for the most part turned out pretty good. A movie was possibly watched that night as well.... i can't remember.

Monday- finally we sleep in... had a late breakfast and then went for lunch at La Fiesta and shopping downtown. It was quite fun. I believe monday was roast night and also the night we watched the matrix. I slept through that as well. That was also the night I stuck my tongue out in my sleep... or whatever you might call what I did to Roy and Jane.

Tuesday - another glorious sleepin day... spent most of the day lounging around and I tried to get Rachel to love biology. I'm not sure if I suceeded, but I can always hope. Went out for supper at earls that night and we watched Legally Blond 2 that night and Pirates of the Carribean. I slept through most of pirates... although I do love that movie. My last night sleeping with Roy- and wednesday was also spent lounging and eating insane amounts of pancakes and hotdogs :)

and then I travelled back to my hovel... and cried :(

So that was my weekend. Hopefully my spirits brighten before too long because I'm not sure I can stand this state for much longer.

This weekend, I guess it just made me realize how much I value my friends. And how much I really do miss them. sigh... well I should go do some homework...or eat or do something...

Until next time...

In victoria right now... I'm tired but reallly hyper :)

And I got a busary from the school... how cool is that?

gotta love the free money :)

anyhow I should stop being antisocial :)

goodnight to all...

Okay I'm not liking this furnace not working business. Ugh... the pilot light keeps going out which result in cold air being blown throughout the house.

I had a good day though. I've found a study strategy that works for me so I think I'll stick to it. That is if I can get to bed early enough every night to do so.
I guess what inspired me to change my sleeping habits and my study habits for that matter was my complete lack of motivation in the area of homework and stuff of the like. So what I have come up with is the strategy of ~get this~: STUDYING AT SCHOOL! lol I don't think it is a new one... I'm far too distracted here by my computer and by homework that I essentially get nothing done.

So yeah... being far more productive in the mornings I have decided I will start to utilize my morning hours by getting up earlier and going to bed earlier.

Well I think I'll go and try and be as productive as I can in this cold place... and keep watching for my landlord's car. Hopefully he comes home soon...

Song: Learning How To Smile- Everclear
Mood: pretty good :)
physical state: cold as an ice cube :-/

Hmm what to say... I wanted to blog something but I seem to have nothing to write.

I'm excited about going to Victoria. I don't know, I guess I have plenty of inner brooding or thoughts or feeling or a mix of all of those! Maybe I just don't feel like sharing. I don't know... I guess it might be because I don't want to admit that I am feeling the way I do. I was a lot more motivated today.

I guess the simple truth is I'm lonely. Not in the "I need some friends way."I have plenty of wonderful friends that mean a lot to me. In that I'd like to find a significant other to share stuff with... and I guess the only way I'll meet one of those is by putting myself out there. At the same time, it is a huge risk. And I guess I haven't met anyone lately that I am willing to risk myself for. I'm not actually sure what I mean by risk... but I think what I mean is the risk of getting hurt. yes that's it... But then again maybe I don't know if they are worth the risk because I haven't gotten to know them well enough. hmm it's a huge vicious circle in my mind.

Oh well... I don't like talking about it. As far as I am concerned I shouldn't even be lonely in the first place. I want to be okay with being by myself. And maybe this is just a product of being alone for many years. I'm pretty sure that might be part of it. Part of the craving for companionship.Hmm I guess the faster I get used to feeling like this the better... either that or actually do something about it, which I probably won't because I'm silly like that.

Tomorrow I have my anthro midterm and I don't think I am ready. But i don't think I'll ever feel ready as it is anthropology and I never seem to feel ready for those exams and surprisingly still manage to do well.

Time to hit the sack....

Until next time...

Okay... well not much to say. Had an awesome night of movie watching last night.

Actually, Halloween turned out to be a pretty good day. Went out to Boston Pizza with Daley in the afternoon and then we hung out for awhile.

Finally got the furnace fixed so I have a warm house now. Watched Bend it Like Beckham and How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days and I highly recommend both.

I actually stayed up until 3:40 am talking with Lindsay and that was cool... except now I am ULTRA TIRED!

But my anthro readings call... because today is the day I have a date with my textbooks!

I added comments to this if anyone cares or even reads this. hehehe I don't care either way- but if someone does acutally read this and feels like replying then they have a way to!

Okay... back to work...

Mood: meh... motivationless as far as studying goes
Song: Les jours tristes (Amélie Soundtrack)