Random Thoughts of the Day

I have come to realize why blogging is more of a necessity when you are in school versus out of school. Firstly, I think about things a lot more when I am in school. Not necessarily things that I should be or need to be thinking about, but I think more regardless. Something about being employed, I found I turned my brain off at the end of the day. Secondly, when you are not in school, you have no homework to do when you get home and thus no reason to procrastinate. My room is cleaner than it ever was when I was out of school, because I procrastinated from cleaning when I wasn't in school.

In other random news, there is a company out there that makes pendants out of your pet's DNA (or as I was thinking anyone's DNA)! I really want one. Although I would not get my pets DNA. I'd either get mine or someone special's. It comes with a chain that looks like a double helix. How cool is that?

For something completely different, I have been trying out mind mapping as a way as studying. I found an online mind mapping tool called MindMeister. It works pretty well for what it does. My only gripe would be that you can only create hierarchies from one node and cannot connect two different nodes (even if you connect the ideas in your head). It is not perfect, but makes mind mapping go so much faster.

My Twilight Saga obsession continues. I can't get enough of it! One of my favorite websites on the series is one that is a blog following the journey of a guy who decides to read the series just to see what all the fuss is about. He does a pretty good job of looking at the series from less of a fan girl perspective which is always good. I guess I could be considered a fan girl, but that is really quite an embarrassing thing to admit. My other favorite website, is one dedicated to older fans of the book like me. I've also started listening to a podcast about Twilight done by two college students in Florida. They are pretty funny to say the least. Now that everyone know how deep my obsession goes, no one will want to read the book. I never said go out and become as obsessed about this book as I am, but definitely check it out. I know sci-fi fantasy love stories are not everyones cup of tea, but honestly, just give it a try. I can't wait for the movie to come out, only two more months.

One final point, change your language on Facebook to pirate english for a laugh. It pretty much brightened my day. I couldn't stop laughing. Well in the words of pirate Facebook- time to abandon ship, mateys! Arrrrrr...

Mood: Procrastinatory (I thought this might be one of my made up words, but alas it exists.)
Song: Oh You Delicate Heart- Hawksley Workman (Pretty much the only artist I've been listening to)

Wordy Awful Wordiness

I am not the world's most eloquent writer. In fact, I am quite wordy myself. I need to work on this, because I really hate reading essays that are wordy and don't get to the point. The books I have to read for my classics class are THE wordiest pieces of writing that I have ever read. I usually have to read a sentence two or three times before I understand what the author is trying to say. I'm used to having to decipher complicated scientific theory out of maybe not the best writing in the world, but this is ridiculous. I had to read a sentence three times to figure out the author was trying to explain how a syllogistic argument worked. Not that his explanation made much sense. Further, the information in the footnote was more helpful than the actual text. I'd continue this rant longer, but I have to go to school.

Mood: Frustrated with Wordiness
Song: Girls on Crutches- Hawksley Workman

New Template

I wanted something new if I was going to start writing in this again so here it is. Didn't get nearly as much done today as I had previously wished, but such is life. I am going to have to buckle down soon though because October is going to be HELL. More later when less sleepy.

Long Time No Post...

Wow... It has certainly been awhile. That last post summed up most of what I went through for the past year. I agonized about what I was going to do with my life. Rated the pros and cons of each possible career choice and sometime in October 2007 I put in an application for Education and forgot about it, and continued my numb existence. Being numb isn't all bad. I can say now that it is better than being depressed and far worst than actually being happy. Also- with numbness blogging becomes almost impossible because you aren't feeling and I don't know about you, but I can't write without feeling. So I didn't write. I filled my time with anything to take my mind off the fact that I felt like I was in a stagnant pond, stuck in the mud, unable to move.

I plugged along at the job I hated, when in February- I got a letter saying I was accepted into the Faculty of Education- Major Biology, Minor chemistry. At this point I still wasn't sure this was something I wanted to do. I mean I resisted the idea with every fiber of my being since I could remember. I didn't want teaching to be my fall back plan. I wanted what I picked to be the plan all along. Life, unfortunately, does not work that way. I no longer desire to be a genetic counselor which was the original plan. The more I thought about teaching, the more it seemed like the right thing to do. That brings me to the end of April: my self imposed deadline for deciding. So I decided to take the plunge... and here I am today the night before day 3 of my second degree.

So far so good... I like my classes. I can't remember a time that I have liked all of my classes so this might be a first. I have high hopes for this decision... so hopefully it turns out better than my last.

In other, less important, fluffier news- I have recently become addicted (yes addicted) to the Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer. I would like to compare her books to maybe cigarette smoking if you had no idea cigarette smoking was addictive and you picked them up because you thought they looked cool and kept doing it because it felt good. Sigh... that is what happened to me when I picked up Twilight. I had no idea how big the books were (or how addictive the series was) when I unsuspectingly picked up the first book at the airport. The back of the book made it sound corny- girl falls madly in love for vampire that thirsts for her blood but something about the pretty black book made me pick it up. I was past the point of no return about 10 minutes into the flight.

I have since read the whole series and I am in the process of re-reading the series. I can't wait until the movie comes out, although I'm sure it won't compare to the books at all. At least they got the casting of the leading man right. Robert Pattinson (Harry Potter fans might recognize him as Cedric Diggory) is perfect for the role I think, both in looks and in the way he is portraying the character. And the schoolgirl in me thinks he is dreamy... I better stop before I start gushing about Rob Pattinson the way Bella gushes about Edward in the book. I guess there are more harmful things I could be addicted too like cigarettes or heroin or worst crystal meth. It would also be better not to be addicted to anything at all. I'm going to have to work on that. That, and going to bed at a decent time.

Mood: Tired and Wired
Music: I'm On Fire- Paper Lions

Thoughts on Graduation

I had this whole blog thought up about graduation and that sort of nostalgic feeling it gives you. But graduating from university has been so different from graduating from high school. When I graduated from High School I felt like I could do anything I wanted to- my whole life was ahead of me. It has only been 6 years since then, but I somehow have this feeling now that I am running out of time. I have a degree now, I'm working in the field that I got my degree in and yet I have realized that it isn't what I want to do. I've decided to work at my job for next year and then I am probably heading back to school. The problem is- to do what? There are so many things I am interested in. I like working with people and I like working with animals. Recently, I have been thinking about Vet school, but I don't have some of the pre-reqs to get in. I have some of the harder ones to get like direct experience working with animals- but I'm missing physics and calculus both of which scare me to death. I'm good at science, but not at math and physics. Other career possibilities have included occupational therapist, nurse or maybe a teacher. Its funny, I always thought that by the time I was this age I'd know what I want, but I don't. I'm just an older, more mature, version of the girl that graduated from high school 6 years ago.

What scares me even more is I seem to be in this unmotivated funk where I don't feel like doing anything. Part of me is kicking myself- telling myself to get off my ass and do something about my life if I don't like it. And the other part of me is the one that always seems to win. My Facebook fortune cookie seems to have some good words of wisdom," Many a false step is made by standing still." That is exactly how I feel right now. I feel like I'm messing up my life by being apathetic, by standing still. I wish I weren't so numb to the kicks that part of me is giving... because one day the numbness will where off, I'm going to feel the bruises from the kicks and that won't be pleasant.

The Ghost of Blogging Past

So I can't sleep and I decided that I would look back on blogs of the past. My blog used to be interesting or at least it seems that way to me. It is funny because I often post on my blog when I can't sleep. Which apparently happens more often than I used to think. Especially lately...

Part of me thinks that it is a defense sort of mechanism, especially when I am sort of at a crossroads in my life. I don't sleep, because time seems to go by slower when you aren't sleeping and if I can prolong awakeness tomorrow won't come as soon. Seems silly, but I can't explain it any other way.

Anyhow... I feel like my blogging has been boring lately, like I've lost the spark for pouring my soul out onto the internet. Maybe I just don't feel as comfortable as I used to which is fair enough, I have no idea how many people read this thing. Anyhow I wanted to write down what a few of the goals I have come up with for the 101 things in 1001 days.

1) Start volunteering for two different organizations
2) Apply to occupational therapy
3) Complete an Olympic length triathlon
4) Buy a bike (probably before I do the Triathlon)
5) Complete at least 2 more half marathons
4) Run at least 3 days a week (unless sickness comes)
5) Reread the Wheel of Time Series

I had more, but I forgot what they were now. Oh right:
6) Get 8 hours of sleep a night. Good thing I haven't stated this yet... Anyhow, I think I am going to go try this sleep thing.

Goal List... considering the 101 in 1001

I'm thinking about doing the 101 things in 1001 days. Why? Because I have a lot of things that I want to do and I feel like because I don't have them written down, I am falling short of reaching my goals... it is just a idea.

I have a start date in mind already. Graduation day. I think it is June 12 or 11/07. I'll have to check to make sure. It will literally be the first day of the next 1001 days of my life. That gives me some time to come up with some goals that I think I want to do.


Anyhow... I should go to bed. That should probably be a goal of mine. Bed. Sleep. 8 hours of it. Whenever possible.

"I say my day is spent and my spirit's dead"

I don't know where to start. The title of this post is from a song called Legs Away by a band called Mother Mother. I quite enjoy them and you should go check them out because they are awesome.

The title sums up how I have been feeling since the semester began. I'm beyond procrastinating. I've full out given up. I sit and home and do nothing. I'm not even going out and having fun, or thinking of studying. I haven't even felt like posting on here because- honestly what would I post about. How am I feeling? Shitty, but I don't really like to let people in on that. I'm sick of hiding it. Pretending I'm okay. Because I'm not okay. I'm so far from okay that I don't even know who am I anymore. I look in the mirror and think, "This isn't you. You don't slack off like this. You work hard despite not liking the class, because you don't like to do badly." Well I am doing bad now...

If I could tell you what I think is wrong- well I'd probably say everything. But that is a lie, an exaggeration. I think I am having trouble because I have no solid goal. I feel like I'm losing it. Maybe I am. For example- it is midnight the night before my Anatomy midterm and I haven't studied and I have an assignment due tomorrow and I haven't started. And I'm not freaking out. It is like it doesn't even phase me. And it isn't like I don't have goals, I do. I need to do well in my classes because I really do want to get into occupational therapy. Am I self sabotaging my life?

It looks like I am probably going to withdraw from Anatomy. Five years in my degree and I have never had to withdraw from anything, but there is no way I can salvage that class. I feel bad for letting it get this far. I probably should have gone to talk to someone when I first started feeling like this. I thought it was just a mood swing, that I would swing back to normal like I normally do. But I never did...

Have no fear. I'm going to make an appointment with a counselor tomorrow after I fail my Anatomy exam. Because I can't go on "living" like this. I don't really feel like I am living right now. I'm going through the motions. It is time to start living again.

I am a procrastiholic

Not that admitting it really helps. I guess it is the first step to recovery. I've fallen back into the bad habit of putting things off. It really isn't healthy and frankly, makes me feel awful about myself. Not that feeling awful will help me stop procrastinating. It is a vicious cycle really. I already got my first mark back. I just got my first mark back that was affected by my procrastinating. It wasn't good, but honestly I have no one to blame but myself. Hopefully this isn't a repeat of what happened in 418 where I just couldn't bring my mark up after starting so low. I don't think it is. I know why I did bad. Simple. I did know nearly enough. I think I can come back though. At least I hope I can.

I feel pretty lost right now... I have no idea what I am doing what my life and it scares me, because sometimes I wish I didn't have to think about it. Sometimes I just don't feel like thinking about my future anymore. I still think I want to do occupational therapy, but why can't I motivate myself to volunteer or do something good? I don't know what is stopping me. I'm scared that my biggest obstacle in reaching my goals will be myself and my lack of motivation at times. I don't always feel like this, but when I do, I can barely motivate myself to do stuff that I like. I've felt like this now for probably about three weeks. It probably has something to do with not doing my work and feeling guilty about it, which in turn, makes me feel shitty and not like doing anything.

Tonight, I am going to stop the vicious cycle. Starting now, I will have a few ground rules for myself.

The RULES:

1) Set attainable goals and write them down
2) Rewards only upon completion of goals
3) Reduce procrastinating
4) No wallowing in self-pity/guilt for slipping up. These are counter-productive, demoralizing and generally only lead to more procrastination

That's all for tonight. I will try and post the more major goals on here. If I don't put it off...

It been awhile

I haven't posted for awhile mainly because I was super busy. I got all my marks back and I did really well this semester. Straight A's for the first time in my undergraduate degree. Things are going good, I have had a good few days to relax with Ryan before going back to school today. I'm looking forward to this semester. It is the first semester in a long while that I have been able to take whatever I want. I dropped this music class I was in because it was going to be way too much of the feminist high horse sort of class and I hate classes like that. Not that I have ever taken one, but honestly, I know. I didn't want to do the class within the first 5 minutes of being there and it seemed like it would be so much more work than a class like that is worth. So much more. Don't get me wrong... I'm all for women's rights and equality but some of these women's studies classes take it too far. I don't want to analyze the feminist qualities coming through the music.

On the other hand, I loved my Cognitive psychology class. I think it is going to be awesome. I hear it is a hard class, but honestly I think it will be worth it for interests sake.

Anyhow... I need to go to bed, because I have a lab meeting at 11 and I want to go in and get work done before it, so I want to be up by 7:50 and out the door by 8:30. Lets see if that happens!

Eragon

I am reading Eragon right now and I really like it. I just thought I would share a quote that I really liked from it:

Eragon: What is the worth of anything we do?
Saphira: The worth is in the act. Your worth halts when you surrender the will to change and experience life. But options are before you; choose one and dedicate yourself to it. The deeds will give you new hop and purpose.
Eragon: But what can I do?
Saphira: The only true guide is your heart. Nothing less than its supreme desire can help you.
From Eragon, pg 92

I guess I feel like I am at a crossroads, especially in terms of choosing what I want to do with my life. One path, is the one I am already on and the other is to do something entirely different. The path I am already on, well lets just say it is stagnant. Never in my whole life have I felt this unmotivated. I feel like I am walking through quicksand, trying desperately not to sink.

The other path, despite being entirely different, depends on me doing well this semester. I want so desperately to get in, but I am afraid that I have made this choice to late and that I'll probably get rejected the first time around.

Well, I should get back to studying... development awaits!

Where has all my motivation gone???

Please come back... I need you now more than ever.

Do you feel sexy?

At school today, we stumbled across an article on the front page of the Edmonton Journal that was very interesting. It was about this art project that is called We Feel Fine by Jonathan Harris and Sep Kamvar. What they have done it created a website that automatically searches updated weblog entries to log any "I feel" statement in order to gauge the feeling of the world at a particular point in time.

What caught our interest in the article at least was that Edmontonians feel 14 times sexier than the rest of the country and Calgarians feel 10 times sexier. Pretty interesting... or at least I was intrigued. The website is worth a visit. I think it is a pretty neat idea.

So this goes out to all you people in Edmonton and Calgary:

Do you feel sexy?

This is cool

I was looking at the BBC news and I came across these pictures of animals in the womb. Don't worry, no animals were harm in the taking of these pictures. They were all done by computer modeling and ultra sound. Go here to see more.

It kind of reminds me of3D and 4D ultrasound pictures that you can get of your baby now. Click here if you want to see what they look like.

Well, looks like I am out of material for today. Or maybe I am just too tired to care.

New Computer

I finally have my new computer. It is so pretty and fast and I love it. I doubt you'll hear me talk about anything else for awhile. I am going to include a picture of it. And that is about it because I want to keep playing!

More later... perhaps even some pictures from my photo booth!

Who cares what "they" think?

I know that it is human nature to judge and be judged. Although I try not to be judgemental, I know sometimes I'm sure I come across as being judgemental, even if that is not my intent. I also often do not think before I speak, and this just as often gets me in trouble with people- mostly with people who are my friends. I'm not sure this is going to lead into what I want to talk about, but lets see if I can get there.

Firstly, why do people care so much about what other people think? Is this just human nature? For the most part I don't care about what people think. There are very few things that I am ashamed that I have done, and even though I am not proud of those few things, when asked I will admit to them freely despite the possibility of judgement from the other party. And I know I'm not perfect and that I have many flaws that I try to work on everyday, but sometimes I slip. You know we all make mistakes.

Second, why do people that care what other people(not family) think do things on a regular basis that they don't want the people they care about to know about? I guess it is just something I have been thinking about. I've been starting to think- why do something if I know that I'll regret/ be ashamed of it later. I think it is because I think that the only way that someone can make you feel ashamed of your actions is that if something inside of you tells you that you have something to be ashamed about or something to regret.

Maybe if I paused for a moment before blurting stuff out, I might find that I regret or feel less ashamed of things that I have said. Perhaps I could even feel proud.

OT

The more I think about it, the more I want to do occupational therapy. I met with an occupational therapist today and we chatted over dinner. It was great, she gave me some really good ideas of what I could put in my letter of intent. It really reassured me that it was something that I could do, even though my background isn't related at all. I think I want to job shadow a few more if it is possible, and if so I am for sure applying.

Of course there is always the possibility that I don't get in right away. I have back up plans... I might just work and try and chip away at my debt. Goodness knows, I'll probably have to borrow more if I do get into OT. Yay! Two more years of school. I'll be 26 before I even start my career. I guess I was always in for the long haul in school. At least I am close to getting this first degree.

Sigh... I'm done my lab work, so I am off to home for now.

Half-Marathon

Yesterday I officially started training for the Half-Marathon I plan on running on March 4th/2007. I know it probably seems like a leap to go from running shorter distances (longest being about 12 km) to more than double that, but I think I can do if I train my body. I know it will be difficult, but I am up for the challenge. I've joined a running room training clinic and I am pumped and ready to go.

This Sunday is our first Sunday run (which are the longer runs of the week). We are starting at 7 km which I know I can manage already. By then I should be recovered from all the sprinting I did in soccer. Oh yeah- I am playing women's recreational soccer. I think it will be fun. Or at least it was last time despite only having 7 players, which in indoor soccer means that you only have two subs for an hour long game that is split into two halves.

Ugh- I so much school work to do. I really should stay up to do some, but all I feel like doing is sleeping.

I give up...

I don't really have time or the computer speed to post everyday. Speaking of computer speed, I broke down and bought a new computer. I am very excited, although I am not sure I can afford it, somehow I can make it work. I'm sure it will be worth it when the paper writing hell starts and I need my words to come up on to the screen as fast as I typing them. You know you need a new computer when there is a delay between typing the words and seeing them on the screen. My computer has been through a lot with me. It was good to me for a good six years. I kind of feel like Strongbad when his computer blows up. Except my computer hasn't blown up yet. And I'm not getting a lappy, because I wanted a faster computer, and I am too hard on such things that I think I would break it.

Missed One...

Yesterday, I had such a good day, that I forgot to blog. Daley and Heather were up and we had fun.

The End.

P.S. More later, I'm wiped